Dear Madeleine,

I work for a global company that had a very flexible work-from-home policy before Covid happened. I have been managing hybrid teams for more than 20 years and have never had trouble with performance.

We got a new CEO last fall, and he has a very strong belief (despite all the research that says otherwise) that people simply don’t work as hard when they work from home. One of his opening moves was to institute a full-time return-to-office plan that started in January.

I’m lucky. I have always come in three days a week, and I have a short commute. But about half my people had just enough time to move back, or simply move, so they could keep their job. I had to replace people who didn’t want to move, or couldn’t, and we lost some excellent talent in the process. The disruption has been epic. It all feels like a waste of time, energy, and focus.

Now that everyone is getting into the groove of coming into the office, there is a new problem no one seems to have anticipated: We don’t have enough room for everyone! People are sharing offices and cubicles, which is tricky since almost everyone is on conference calls all day. There weren’t enough headsets to go around and people had to bring their personal ones from home. There aren’t nearly enough conference rooms, and if you have one reserved and someone else gets there before you, it is a standoff. People can’t hear themselves think.

There aren’t enough parking spaces, so people are late because they must drive around looking for a spot. There aren’t enough restrooms—people have mere minutes between meetings only to encounter a line, so many are forced to step out in the middle of meetings. The cafeteria was not remotely prepared to manage the volume, so lunch hours had to be staggered and regular meetings moved. Not only are we not more productive, we are way less so.

My boss has assured me that all of these issues are being worked on—but in the meantime, no flexibility has been offered to help alleviate them. Everyone, myself included, is in a constant state of annoyance. The whole policy has been an unmitigated disaster.

I just don’t know what to do. I hate inefficiency. I hate policies that are out of touch with reality. I hate to see my smart, hardworking people struggling with stupid rules. As a senior-level manager, I have taken great pride in walking the fine line between taking care of my people and supporting senior leadership, but I am really struggling to do that at this point. I have completely lost respect for the CEO, who is oblivious to reality and blathers on about how great it is to have everyone together. He thinks he appears tough, while everyone who works for the company seems to agree that he is just stupid. More to the point, my team’s morale has nosedived and I can’t do anything about it.

I have run out of the energy needed to hold the company line and not betray that I am 100% opposed to the way things are being handled. I feel like I can’t support my boss, who is cowardly and keeps acting like everything is fine, or the executive team he reports to—and it makes me feel like a traitor. I have headhunters calling me constantly and am starting to take their calls, but I feel like I would be letting my team down. Can you think of anything I could do to turn this around?

Done

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Dear Done,

There is nothing quite as dispiriting as a new CEO who imposes new rules based on opinion versus facts and causes needless chaos for their people. It sounds like you had a good thing going and it has all been blown up. I do wonder how the whole company is doing, and if the new CEO is doing enough good things to offset this one really stupid thing.

Do I have any bright ideas for you? I wish I did. I read your letter several times, trying to spot a silver lining or creative ways you might approach the situation. You might check with your team and see what viable tactics come up—carpooling, bringing lunch from home, ways to share space that make sense. The bathroom situation is way beyond me. But I don’t think this is what you are looking for.

My suggestion is that you read what you wrote and ask yourself these questions: Whose permission do I need to find a better leader to work for? What is keeping me from finding a better situation—and taking my best people with me?

The principle here is that a leader is only a leader if people follow them. You feel like a traitor, but it doesn’t sound like your CEO has done anything to earn your loyalty. So, really—what is keeping you from voting with your feet?

Your team will be fine. One of them will probably be delighted to take your job. You won’t be betraying anyone or letting anyone down by remembering that the only people you owe anything to are yourself and a leader worthy of your respect that you choose to follow.

I could be totally off base here. If that is the case, it will probably have the effect of helping you see the silver lining and find the wherewithal to stay the course where you are. The key is that it will be a conscious choice and you won’t feel like a victim.

I wish you effective and efficient policies that make going to work and doing work fulfilling again.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a regional business unit for a global supply chain company. During the Covid lockdown everyone went remote, and the organization got rid of the office we had. I like working remotely. And it works well for my team for all the reasons people state: no one misses the commute, there’s much more flexibility to get things done at home, and you only have to be presentable from the waist up. The work part of my job is fine. What I have realized only recently, though, is that I am lonely.

I used to have lunch with coworkers, go out for drinks after work, and chat with people in the hallways. The small talk used to get on my nerves a bit when I was on a deadline, but now I have no small talk at all. Two of my good work friends transferred to regions in very different time zones, so staying connected with them has been a challenge as well.

The Covid shutdown was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. We had both traveled a lot for work and when we were forced to spend 24/7 together, it became clear that we were in denial about how incompatible we were. I started living alone about a year ago. Getting divorced was a relief, but what I didn’t anticipate was the effect it would have on my social life: all my friends are “coupled” and it doesn’t occur to them to include me in their plans. My very best friend just had twins so she literally has no time for herself—let alone for me.

I am an introvert, so doing the things I need to do to rebuild a network feels utterly beyond me. I am only in my mid-thirties and all I do is work, scroll Instagram, and binge Netflix shows. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I am feeling very stuck and sad. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Lonesome

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Dear Lonesome,

I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. There is a little bit of a silver lining in that you have at least admitted to yourself the reality of what is going on and you’ve named how it makes you feel. That is a critical first step to making some changes. I think it may also be helpful to understand that the changes in your circumstances were gradual, and what you are now dealing with is the cumulative effect of that. None of this is your fault, Lonesome—it is simply the result of a whole bunch of events that were out of your control.

However.

You must—absolutely must—take action. I hear you when you say that rebuilding feels beyond you, but rebuilding is non-negotiable. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did it. Why? The research is clear: loneliness will impact your health. You can read Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s paper, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” You will see immediately that you are not alone. The effects of the Covid-19 started a snowballing of isolation that has caught many off guard. It might also be helpful to pinpoint exactly what feels beyond you, so that you can identify what feels doable. If absolutely nothing feels doable, you might consider talking to a medical professional to address what might be mild depression. That would certainly make sense, given what you have been through. This tip is, of course, outside my expertise—but if it resonates with you, there might be something to it.

What to do? Dr. Murthy makes some broad recommendations on pg. 66 of his paper, but I can also share some ideas that came to mind when I read your letter.

Start with what you already have:

• If there is no time for small talk online, set up time with coworkers nearby to meet in person. Meet at a coffee shop to work on a specific project. Have regular one-on-ones with your direct reports in person once a month—again, meet at a coffee shop or find an outdoor space if you live in a warm climate. Plan dinners with coworkers. I know social time used to be spontaneous, but now you will have to plan it ahead. If you are worried that you have all lost the skill of small talk, bring along a list of questions to get things going. Rely on your management skill and manifest some get-togethers with people who only see each other online. This is crucial to your well-being—and there is a good chance you aren’t the only one suffering, so, as a leader, it is also the best thing you can do for your people.
• You still have good work friends. Don’t let the time-zone thing deter you. Friendships are precious, and the only way to maintain them is to make the effort.
• Assuming your ex didn’t get custody of all your “coupled” friends, get in touch with the ones you liked. Let them know you are ready to socialize again and would love to be included in whatever social plans they are making. Pick up your phone and use it for what it was originally intended for—talking to people. Text them, at the very least. You have been out of sight, so you have been out of mind, and that is something you can change. There is no law that says couples can only hang with other couples.
• Your BFF has twins? I guarantee she is as lonely as you are. There is nothing as isolating as being at home with babies. Stop by with dinner. Offer to go to her house and hold one of the babies so that she can have one-on-one time with the other one. Go over and help with bathtime. Get her out for a walk with the stroller—it is so much easier to do with two people in case one of the babies melts down or they both do at the same time. If all she can talk about is baby stuff, so what? Smile, nod, and slap an interested look on your face, even if you are bored to tears. I had my first kid long before any of my friends did, and the only friends I still have thirty-five years later are the ones who went out of their way to accommodate my new circumstances. I am forever grateful to them.

Once you have done a few of the above things, you can cast a wider net.

• Adopt a pet. If that feels like too much, but you like dogs, go to your local shelter and volunteer to walk one.
• Find a way to volunteer for a cause that matters to you or a great need in your community that you can help address. Something that gets you out of your house. There is nothing like being in service to others to get your mind off yourself.
• Join a gym—or if you are allergic to gyms, make yourself go for a walk everyday. Just getting outdoors, having a little sun on your face, will change your outlook. At the very least, it will get you off your phone and your couch. If you like to hike, find a meetup near you to join like-minded others. Or use Meetup to find people who share any other interest you may have.
• If you are a reader, find or start a book group. If you are a cook, start a cooking club.

Start small, Lonesome. Try forcing yourself to do one thing a week for the first month, then two things a week, until you get to three things a week. Experiment! Not everything will be a smashing success, but you will learn, tweak as you go, and clarify what works well.

This will be hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, but there isn’t. You are at the mercy of Newton’s first law, otherwise known as inertia, which states that an object will remain at rest or in motion unless an external force acts upon it. Objects at rest will stay at rest; objects in motion will stay in motion. It takes a big charge of energy to change your state of inertia, so you will have to apply some will to change it. You will have moments when you want to cancel; when you would much prefer to stay home in your jammies. You will 100% be uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay.

Discomfort won’t kill you, but loneliness will. Get to work. Today.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I love my job and I am good at it. When the COVID lockdown was settling in for a then-unknown period of time and everyone in my company was working from home, my partner and I took advantage of the crisis, rented out our condo in the city, and moved to our dream location. Life was beyond perfect.

Now the CEO of my company is going hardline, insisting that everyone be back in the office at least three days a week.

It is a short flight to go to HQ, and we still have our condo. In theory, I could bunk with our renter (a relative) whenever I need to. I am in negotiation with my manager to see if I might fly in for one week a month. He is fighting for me and my request, but I am not sure if he can make it happen. Even if he does, I will have to bear the cost of travel and the disruption to my home life (there are multiple dogs involved now). On the pro side, I am getting a little lonely working from home 24/7 and would welcome seeing my colleagues again.

My problem is that our CEO said at one point that he “would never force people back to the office,” which is why we made the move. I actually have the recording of the all-hands meeting where he said it. It makes me so mad. It is affecting my motivation to even make the effort to comply. My work hasn’t suffered yet, but I can feel my resentment creeping into my attitude. Part of me feels like I would actually have a case if I wanted to sue.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Resentful

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Dear Resentful,

I will tell you what I hear, Resentful. It sounds to me like you might enjoy going into HQ on a limited basis. So the change might be welcome at some level, but you feel betrayed by your CEO. If you started out respecting and being a willing follower of your CEO, that respect and willingness has been destroyed. The bald fact is that he is breaking his word. Your resentment is rooted in that sense of betrayal.

I think half the battle for you right now is in naming the emotion you are feeling—so if I am wrong about what it is, what is the right word? You might consider checking out Dr. Susan David’s website where she offers fine distinctions to get clarity about our emotions. Her book Emotional Agility provides a deeper dive.

Once you can truly name and express what makes this whole situation feel so impossible, you can own it and decide what you want to do about it. Maybe it’s a letter to the CEO. Maybe it is simply a lesson learned. Either way, it should help to clear the field enough for you to make a decision about whether:

1. you can release your resentment and comply with the mandate (or with whatever your manager can negotiate for you), or
2. you want to hang on to your resentment but still comply, or
3. you believe the loss of respect for your CEO is fatal and you need to move on to find a CEO who is more trustworthy to devote your work hours to.

To be fair, I don’t know a single CEO who was equipped to deal with what we all just went through. Every single one of them was making it up as they went and doing the best they could with no precedent to lean on. He probably had no idea what unintended consequences would result from what he said in a meeting.

So, ultimately, I don’t recommend option B, because, as has been pithily said by many, resentment is like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.

I can’t speak to the viability of a lawsuit. You would have to consult an attorney for that. I can, however, caution that no matter how in the right you may be, a lawsuit will drain you of any disposable income you may have and your peace of mind. You would need to have an awfully strong stomach and be prepared for it to take years.

Check in with yourself and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive your CEO. Maybe all the brilliant and good things he has done can outweigh this one error. Or maybe the scales can’t be tipped in his favor. Only you can decide that.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage the US Eastern region for a global manufacturing company. Our new CEO, who is in Europe, is very frustrated at our US employees’ resistance to return to the office.

He has decreed that everyone who wants to keep their job should be in the office five days a week, and that if people want to work remotely, they need special permission to do so—even for one day. He claims that employees in Europe, Asia, and the Middle East are much more compliant with the return-to-office mandates.

My Midwest and Western counterparts are doing a little better with the mandate than I am, but we are all in the same boat.

The managers who report to me are up against it. We had a remote work culture before the pandemic where many of our people were already coming to the office only one or two days a week. Several people on the East Coast gave up their city apartments during the pandemic and moved to rural areas. Some moved to other parts of the country, having been given permission to work remotely. They are now taking care of elderly parents. Their kids are going to new schools. And the people who live within a reasonable distance are thrilled not to have to spend hours every day commuting—and I know for a fact that they work longer hours because they don’t commute.

Our productivity and numbers are exactly where they need to be and our hybrid culture works very well for us. Our former CEO didn’t focus on that kind of thing; he focused only on performance and results.

To comply with our new CEO’s unreasonable demands, we are probably going to have let go of 25% of our workforce and hire new people who live in cities that have headquarters or who are at least within commuting distance. That is going to create a laundry list of problems. First of all, we don’t have the recruiting and onboarding staff to manage that kind of volume—it’s an absolute HR nightmare to let so many people go. It also will be distracting and will cause a significant drop in productivity. And the emotional impact will be, well, awful. It just seems so willfully wrongheaded and wasteful.

I have had a long career and have a lot of experience, but this one has me stumped.

Any thoughts?

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

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Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place,

This seems to be a common problem these days.

I wonder where your CHRO or HR regional partner is with all of this. Your CEO might be getting terrible advice.

 It sounds like you are the kind of person who has already tried using facts and evidence to make the case for maintaining your hybrid culture. If you haven’t, that would be a good place to start. The cost of letting people go will be massive. It is hard to understand why anyone would want to let go of loyal, competent employees. You will want to read the fine print on the employment contracts of anyone you might have to fire as well, because if the job was originally classified as hybrid or remote, you could risk a lawsuit. And the cost of recruiting, hiring, and onboarding new people will definitely set you back productivity-wise. If you were to create a clear picture of the costs of enforcing a back to the office mandate, that might make a difference.

If your CEO refuses to be swayed by facts and evidence (which is predictable), your only next option is to try to influence by simply asking questions and getting to the root of what is driving the demands. In a very interesting book titled How Minds Change, author David McRaney postulates that the only reliable way to get someone to change their mind is, first, to create rapport. Listen to their thinking on the topic. Ask open-ended questions until they essentially persuade themselves that their thinking isn’t logical and, in fact, is inconsistent with their true values. You can find a summary here that will lay out the steps to take.

See if you can get your CEO to consider all the angles by asking questions and thinking through the issue on his own. There is a chance that he might talk himself out of his dug-in position. Here are some questions to get you started:

• What is so important about having everyone in the office every day?
• How will having everyone in the office every day change things for the better?
• What bothers you so much about people working remotely?
• What impact do you think forcing a change like this will have on our culture?
• Are you prepared to see the US workforce turn over by (at least) 25%?
• What is your level of confidence that the benefits of forcing people to come back to the office will outweigh the costs? (If it isn’t 100%, you can ask why not. This opens the door to doubt.)
• Is there a compromise you might consider, if it meant retaining our best people?

The key is to never argue or challenge your CEO’s claims. Just keep asking questions and keep him talking.

I stumbled over this method accidentally about twenty years ago by simply asking one question. I was shocked at how quickly someone changed a long-held position as a result of one simple, emotionally neutral question. I didn’t really understand the science behind it until I read McRaney’s book.

If using a strong persuasion method like this still doesn’t move the needle, you will have to consider if working in this new dogmatic culture is for you. Do you even want to work for a CEO who is so demanding and willing to sacrifice common sense to be right? I hate to suggest this, because it would cause any number of big life decisions. Of course, it is up to you. Maybe this will be a one-time thing for your CEO, but I doubt it.

You are indeed between a rock and a hard place, my friend, in more ways than you may have admitted to yourself. You have a new persuasion technique to try—and then you will have some choices to make.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

In the middle of the pandemic, I took a job that I love and am good at. At the time, my boss made it very clear that the job was classified as “remote” and the deal was that I would never need to work in the office. This wasn’t just because everyone was working from home at the time; the job was classified as remote so they could hire the best person regardless of where they were located. It just so happens that I live fairly close to headquarters and presumably could go to the office if I wanted to.

Now that things have eased up, my boss is insisting that I come and work at the office. At every one-on-one meeting, he mentions that he would like to see me in the office. He has no complaints about the quality of my work and has no reason to suspect that I am goofing around instead of working; he just prefers his people to be in the office.

But that wasn’t the deal. I am an introvert, I love working from home, and I have a great rhythm in my workday that doesn’t include a 45-minute commute each way—not to mention the price of gas! I enjoy many of my colleagues and meet them occasionally for coffee or happy hour. Several of them were also originally classified as remote and some do occasionally go into the office because they are super social types who like it.

I feel that there has to be some reasonable way to push back on this constant pressure from my manager, but I don’t know how to do it without harming the relationship. I am now at a point where I am actually feeling bullied and considering looking for another job. Would appreciate any thoughts on this.

Feeling Pressured

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Dear Feeling Pressured,

A lot of managers don’t realize the power they hold or the impact of subtle little remarks. Your manager might be shocked that his nudges are having this effect on you. So if you are serious about possibly leaving, I think you need to come right out with it. You can tell your boss that you are worried about harming your relationship because you really love your job, but that the pressure being exerted on you to come into the office is becoming burdensome.

Before you do that, however, it might be wise to dig up your employment contract and make sure that you are in full command of the fine print. If, in fact, you have it right and there is no indication that your remote status is at risk due to the slow receding of Covid concerns, then you have a contractual agreement to support your position. Hopefully it won’t come to the point where you have to involve HR, but if you are clear about your contract it might highlight the fact that your boss is, perhaps inadvertently, creating a hostile work environment.

As you prepare to open the topic, consider what kind of compromise might work for you. I understand your reflexive reaction that you took the job with the understanding that you wouldn’t have to be in the office, but it might not kill you to meet your boss halfway. Perhaps he wants everyone in the office for specific kinds of meetings. Or maybe he is an extrovert who has trouble bonding with people if he can’t be with them in person. In our own business, I have heard several people who have to come in the office mention that they are lonely.

Asking some questions to really understand what is at the root of your boss’s insistence will help to frame and support your own position. You will want to avoid why questions such as the most obvious and natural one, “Why do you want me to come to the office?” Why questions tend to put people on the defensive. Open-ended questions, on the other hand, help to focus the conversation. For example: 

“What would be different if I were to come into the office?”

“What would I accomplish by coming into the office that I am not already doing?”

“Is there something you would like me to do differently that you haven’t mentioned yet?”

“Are there concerns about the quality of my work that you want to share with me?”

“What would satisfy you, if I were to come in to office?”

It might be hard for your boss to admit that your going into the office once in a while would just make him happy. It might be that simple.

Once you understand what is driving your boss, it might be easier for you to consider a small concession as a peace offering. Maybe you would be willing to show up in person at the office once a month or bi-weekly. You might ask your boss to consider paying for your gas, especially since your salary was negotiated as a remote worker. In California, where I live, gas prices are so insane that they are having a big impact on household budgets.

It will take some courage to pipe up—but really, no manager wants to find out from an exit interview that they lost a good employee over something that could have been avoided. If you aren’t confident about being good on your feet in the moment, practice what you want to say with a friend to get comfortable with your points so your emotions won’t cloud your reasoning or cause you to forget. During the conversation, listen carefully to what your boss says. Maybe even take notes and repeat back what you heard so you are sure you got it right. Take your time and breathe. Remember that, in response to anything, you can always ask to take some time to think about it.

I really hope you will be able to work this out.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My team is losing it. I have eleven employees, all of whom are used to coming into the office daily with the occasional WFH day for doctor appointments, big deliveries, that kind of thing. When we all were told to WFH a few weeks ago, I thought getting everyone set up with the technology would be the biggest hurdle. I was wrong.

It. Is. Not. Going. Well.

• Two employees have young children who are supposed to be doing school at home. The kids are running amok.

• A few people have high school or college kids who are out there running around, doing God-knows-what and making their parents sick with worry.

• Two employees are taking care of elderly parents because the regular caregivers stopped showing up. They are trying to figure out how to keep the folks safe and in groceries.

• One person is quarantined with a new boyfriend who, it turns out, is not a nice guy.

• Two people live alone and are so lonely, I can feel the loneliness vibrating through the phone. They IM me in the middle of the day and ask what I am doing.

• I am almost 100% certain that one person is day drinking. Others have talked about problems with eating junk food while they are stuck at home and have gained weight and feel cruddy about it.

How do I know all of this? Because they all tell me. Everything. I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly I feel like a full-time therapist. This has not always been the case. I’ve always maintained proper boundaries when we were all at work. But now life and work are all scrunched together and it is messy. I feel like my historically very solid team is made up of a bunch of lunatics who can’t get a hold of themselves.

We are all sick of conference calls where everyone is on camera. I am tired of looking at people’s messy hair and sweatshirts. I am tired of hearing cats, dogs and screaming children in the background of every call. BOY, am I sick of people’s children.

Frankly, I am sick of people’s lives interfering with their work. What can I do to stop the madness?

Sick of It All

Dear Sick of It All,

All of life is certainly being thrown into the blender right now, all on camera, and messy is right.

I worked from home for many years, and people would always ask me how I stayed focused and managed to not just watch TV all day. I always just treated my working hours like working hours—and it never crossed my mind to not just work during my working hours. My kids were trained, literally from birth, that when Mommy was working, she was not to be disturbed. My team was made up of professionals who behaved the same way. I never realized until this new WFH explosion how much most people rely on the structure of coming to work to manage themselves as human beings in relation to all of their other commitments.

But it makes sense. We create daily routines, practices, habits, and boundaries to be successful at work. When all of those get blown up in one fell swoop, well, you get what you’ve got—which is a 3-ring circus.

You’re already doing something very right, which is listening. People will tell you stuff only if you listen—so if you feel like your group’s therapist, at least you know you have their trust. This is not nothing. It is a really good thing to have going for you. Well done.

Now you need to step up as a leader and rise to this occasion. It’s time for you to stop judging and blaming your people—who, to be fair, have no prior experience in how to handle themselves in this new environment. It’s time for you to put yourself in service to your people. It’s time, Sick of It All, for you to suck it up and lead.

Stop complaining about the chaos. It’s your job to create order. You’ve allowed your team to drop their professionalism and default to just scraping by. It’s your job to call on your people to get a grip and step up to meet this new challenge. It’s time for you to step into the ring and be the ring master. Put on the top hat; pick up the megaphone. And keep the whip and chair handy. You may need them.

Here are some ideas for how to tackle this situation:

• Call a mandatory team meeting as soon as possible. Make the entire meeting about chartering the team to function at its best under the current circumstances. Share your observations about the reality you’re observing; i.e., how messy things have become. Say that you need to call a time out, get a re-do, and start over with some new rules. Share that you have some ideas for some possible rules but that you want the team to create them together. Have everyone on the team share their biggest challenges and brainstorm as a group how you might help each other overcome each one. No blame, no judgment, just reality. Discuss what would work best as norms that each team member can adhere to. The more you can agree as a team, the more likely everyone will make the effort to comply with the team standards.

• Reduce the number of group meetings to a bare minimum. The fewer meetings you all have, the easier it will be to be on best behavior for each one. Here’s an article you can share with your folks about how to best manage the home situation to meet the needs of working parents.

• Request that every team member come to any and all required meetings dressed for work. You can be a role model for looking like you are at work. My own boss—who is easily putting in 12-to-14-hour days—showed up on a 6:30 am call this morning in full makeup, superb hair and her usual elegant professional outfit, complete with jewelry. I guarantee that all 127 employees on the call noticed and sat up a little straighter. It makes a difference.

• Try experimenting with shifting work hours. Some of your people may find it easier to go back to work after the kids have gone to bed. It might help to give some of your employees the flexibility they need to meet all of their responsibilities.

• Have one meeting a week that’s just for connection and fun. Presumably, you are all in the same time zone, so you could do a coffee hour, lunch time, or maybe a happy hour where everyone comes dressed as their favorite rock star, animal, etc. And everyone gets to introduce their significant others, kids, or pets. One of our sales leaders recently showed up to a web conference as Britney Spears before her famous meltdown. It will be talked about forever and become part of company lore.

• Work with each individual to tackle their more private challenges. Be in touch with your HR leader to get details on your company’s Employee Assistance Program—it almost certainly has one. EAPs can address a broad and complex body of issues affecting mental and emotional well-being, such as stress, grief, family problems, psychological disorders, or alcohol/other substance abuse. As a lifelong addict (cigarettes—I’m not proud of it and have used the AA system to manage it my entire adult life), I can attest that addictions are skulking in the corner waiting for just the right crisis to pounce. I’m grateful to have an addiction, because it has given me a lot more compassion than I would otherwise have. I think it would be nearly impossible for someone to understand just what a struggle addiction can be if they’ve never experienced it themselves. If you don’t have any experience with managing one of your own, I encourage you to dig deep to find some compassion. I think it’s fair to share your suspicions with your day drinking employee and simply request that they wait until the end of the workday to indulge. Maybe it would be as simple as saying “I notice the work you do toward the end of the day tends to have more errors. I wonder if you might think about taking a stretch break in the afternoon?” It’s easy to rationalize behavior when we think no one notices, so just making the person aware that someone is paying attention might do the trick. Of course, if you’re worried that bringing it up may damage the relationship, don’t do it. You’ll use your best judgment. The thing that matters most is the quality of the work, so stay focused on that.

• Be clear with each of your people that if there’s ever a time for them to call in the cavalry, it’s now. There’s no shame in asking for help. I just saw an interesting article today about the dangers of extreme loneliness. Combined with the toxic effects of anxiety and depression, it’s no joke and should be taken very seriously. Don’t be the only one that your lonesome, stressed employees lean on—it’s too much for one person.

The fundamental requirement for being successful at work is that your people be:

1. Crystal clear on expectations and deliverables; and
2. Constantly reminded how vital they are and how valuable their contribution is.

Your job is to make sure that each team member stays focused on their daily tasks and is clear about how they add value. This will keep them more engaged and also set the stage for you to re-charter the way your team operates under these new, extremely challenging conditions.

A fun e-book about the qualities of High Performance Teams can be found here—and any practices you glean from it will help you under any circumstance. But for now, you need immediate help on how to rally your troops, right this minute. Here is a useful article on leading in a virtual environment—and there is a free webinar on the topic coming up on April 16.

I really do hear your frustration. It’s hard. You’re probably reading all these suggestions and thinking “OMG, this is so much more work for me.” Yes. Yes, it is. Leadership is figuring out what to do when there’s no one to tell you what or how to do it. Leadership is going the extra mile (or ten) to help your people thrive and shine. No one is going to fix this for you. You’ve got yourself and your team and you’re going to have to muddle through it together. It’s up to you to call the reality as you see it and extend the invitation to your team to pull it together and re-group. You can be firm with your expectations as long as you are also patient, kind, and generous.

Remember to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself so that you can be the leader your people need right now. The good news is that by the end of this experience, you’ll be a stronger leader in general and you’ll have a whole new set of skills. This is your chance to become the leader you were truly meant to be.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I know, children are annoying. And Other People’s Children (referred to as OPCs in our household, along with OPDs—Other People’s Dogs) are even more so. Just remember that they are the future. Somebody’s ten-year-old is going to do your hip replacement in 30 years, or will be your dependable plumber, mayor, or dentist. And your employees or someone just like them had to raise her. So when you hear one in the background sounding like a howler monkey, you can console yourself with that thought.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

The COVID-19 pandemic has been such a disruption over the past couple of weeks. At work, all travel has been put on an indefinite hold, all training classes and in-person meetings have been cancelled, and the entire workforce has been asked to work from home.

Working from home sounds like a dream to some, but it isn’t for me. I really don’t have a great setup for a home office—I share a studio apartment with my husband who is also working from home. He is on web conference calls all day and it is really loud. Where do I work? In the bathroom?

I miss my office—quiet space, dual monitors, great people. My job requires deep focus and I just have not been able to achieve it. I don’t want my manager and team to see how distracted I am, but it’s been impossible to pretend that I am on top of things. Serenity now!

Can’t Focus and Feeling Remote

Dear Can’t Focus and Feeling Remote,

A lot of people are grappling with similar situations right now. All of this togetherness is going to result in either much improved relationships between spouses—or divorce. I laughed out loud at the thought of working in the bathroom. I guess if you could sit in a bubble bath it could really raise the bar for ideal workspace. If only laptops weren’t so incompatible with water.

Your situation sounds stressful. The only way to go at this is to involve your husband and get creative. Let’s break down the different issues.

Physical Space. Okay, so you have limited space to work and the bathroom clearly is not the answer. I started my first coaching business in an apartment in Brooklyn with a tiny desk in the corner of the bedroom. It was less than ideal, but it worked until I could afford an office. Maybe you and your husband can take different corners? He can use headphones and you can use headphones? Maybe you could ask your boss if you can go to the office to borrow a monitor or get permission to buy one, so you can at least expand your work horizon. Or you might even be able to go into work if no one else is there—it’s is easy to practice distancing when there is no one around.

Focused Work Time. You might consider putting a sign up in your apartment building lobby to see if anyone is still going in to work or planning to go out of town and might let you borrow their space. Maybe your building has a basement. I once did a high-stakes sales call in the hallway when there was too much going on in my teeny Brooklyn apartment. If you have a car, maybe spend some time in the car? Or as the weather improves, maybe a park bench? Look at all the possibilities and ask for help—you never know where it might come from.

Isolation. You miss your great people, of course. So reach out. Take advantage of IM and Zoom calls. There is something about seeing each other that makes a difference. Schedule a 15-minute coffee break with a couple of your regulars. One of my team members has instituted a weekly 7 a.m. coffee call for anyone on the team to drop in and catch up on life. You can exchange ideas for coping mechanisms. Many of your neighbors may be around—you probably have some pals in the building who are also at home. Possibly this is the perfect time to deepen those relationships, even it is from six feet away. Hallway cocktails—everyone stand in your open door!

Finally, let yourself off the hook. You sound like a very serious person who is worried about appearing super professional even when trying to function in adverse circumstances.

Your boss and co-workers know that you are a serious and dependable professional. It isn’t your fault that you are required to work from home. I was on a big conference call this morning and there were three babies and a second grader joining us. Not to mention all of the cats and dogs. That’s what mute buttons are for! It just makes everyone smile!

I think the least of your worries is appearing distracted in front of your boss and co-workers. Everyone is distracted. We are all in the same boat, and parents at home with school-aged kids are now full-time educators on top of everything else.

So why don’t we all agree not to judge each other. Let’s help each other out and carry on as best we can. I wont judge you if you don’t judge me. We are all going to get our work done one way or another.

Love, Madeleine

PS: If you want a laugh on this topic, my colleague (who crushes it at work) recently posted Epic Fails From a Career Remote Worker.

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!