Editor’s Note: Madeleine is on summer break this week, but don’t fear! We’ve rounded up the five standout themes from the first half of the year, complete with top examples you won’t want to miss. From navigating toxic bosses to setting coaching goals that actually stick, Madeleine addresses it all with wisdom that’s equal parts practical and powerful.

Check out the top themes here, then dive into the full columns. Be sure to come back every week—you never know when the advice you need is just a scroll away!

1. Leadership Transitions and Succession Planning

Madeleine frequently addresses the complexities of leadership transitions in “Not Sure When to Let Your Boss Know You’re Leaving?” She offers guidance on timing and communication strategies for departing leaders, emphasizing the importance of succession planning and organizational continuity.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-when-to-let-your-boss-know-you-re-leaving-ask-madeleine

2. Navigating Toxic Work Environments

In “Am I Working for a Toxic Leader?” Madeleine discusses strategies for setting boundaries, maintaining professionalism, and deciding when it may be necessary to seek employment elsewhere. She also provides insights into recognizing and managing toxic leadership.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/am-i-working-for-a-toxic-leader-ask-madeleine

3. Coaching Practices and Professional Development

Madeleine addresses a common concern among professionals new to coaching in “Not Sure What Your Personal Development Coaching Goals Should Be?” She offers practical frameworks including Pierce Howard’s model that encompasses Flow, Fit, Goal progress, Relationships, and Altruism.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-what-your-personal-development-coaching-goals-should-be-ask-madeleine

4. Managing Change and Uncertainty in the Workplace

Madeleine looks at the challenges leaders and employees face when navigating organizational changes and external disruptions along with the associated emotional and operational impacts. In “Need to Interrupt the Downward Spiral?” she addresses a situation where a company is experiencing significant stress due to industrywide changes and personal tragedies among staff.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/need-to-interrupt-the-downward-spiral-ask-madeleine

5. Workplace Culture and Generational Perspectives

In our final top theme for 2025, Madeleine explores the dynamics of workplace culture and generational differences. Her column on “Tired of Your Friend Complaining about ‘Entitled Workers’?” challenges stereotypes about younger employees and encourages understanding and maximizing generational strengths.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/tired-of-your-friend-complaining-about-entitled-workers-ask-madeleine

Madeleine will be back with a new column next week. Got a question for her? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well-intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in the finance department of a national restaurant/foodservice company. I have always liked my job, brought a lot of creative problem-solving to my team, and enjoyed hosting events to create bonds among people in my organization.

My last kid just graduated from high school and left for a six-week trip abroad. My two kids in college have summer jobs away from home. I thought I couldn’t wait to finally have the kids all leave the house so I could have more time to myself and more time to work—but now that it has finally happened, I seem to be adrift. All I have is time, and I don’t know what to do with it.

It feels so strange. I don’t recognize myself. For the last twenty years I have been in constant motion. Even though I’ve loved being a mom, I’ve resented the never-ending grind. But now that I don’t feel the clock ticking, I can barely focus on work.

Ever since Covid, my entire team has worked from home. I am happily single but never felt lonely until now. Maybe I’m just really sad—the empty nest thing—because I have so been looking forward to this time. But it feels like all of a sudden I have ADHD or something.

Have you ever heard of anything like this? Do you think there is something wrong with me?

Weirded Out

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Dear Weirded Out,

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going to be fine. I promise.

Humans vastly underestimate how destabilizing it is to change our daily routines. For twenty-plus years you were on the clock, and all of a sudden you have a surfeit of time. It’s as if you had loud music playing 24/7, you learned how to dance to it all day, every day for twenty years, and someone suddenly turned the music off. The silence is so deafening it can be hard to think. You developed an entire set of skills, disciplines, and practices that made you feel productive, accomplished, and competent. Now, all you need to do is…start all over again.

The working-mom fantasy of having more time to work is common; and, like most fantasies, the reality is often a letdown. Because, let’s face it, you probably already work plenty.

One general principle that might be helpful to understand is this: just because a big change is desirable and makes you happy doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to grieve the chapter that is coming to a close. All the big, happy life transitions (graduating school, getting married, starting jobs, having children, buying homes, moving to a new location), no matter how welcome, require leaving all kinds of beloved things behind. What that means is just because you are thrilled to have made it to end of the working-mom marathon doesn’t negate whatever other emotions you may be having.

Here are a few ideas you might consider to help you through this big transition:

• Take some time off. Go for long walks, take some yoga classes, meditate, get a massage. Anything you can do to clear your head so that you can hear the soft voice inside that is offering clarity about your heart’s desire.
• Maybe avail yourself of your company’s EAP to do a short course of therapy to unpack all of the feelings you are experiencing. Identifying, naming, and feeling them will be a relief and will help you to re-focus on what is in front of you.
• Take a quiet moment to write down all the things you have been putting off for so long. Jettison the things you don’t care about and prioritize the ones that still matter. Choose one thing that is appealing and make a plan to go after it. Learn pickleball, get a puppy, discover ballroom dancing, train for a marathon, find a cooking class. Whatever makes your heart beat a little faster.
• Make a list of the people you care about who’ve dropped to the bottom of your priority list and make it your business to reconnect. Commit to either rebuilding those relationships or building new ones.

I would urge you to take it slow and start small. You don’t want to cram your life so full that you immediately go back to your old rhythms. Just because it might feel comfortable doesn’t mean it is right for you. It took you years to shape your former daily rhythms and it will take some time to experiment and find new ones. You will be able to recognize yourself in a new form soon enough (perhaps just in time for one of your kids to boomerang back home again).

Just kidding. Kind of.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is driving me nuts. I work in corporate communications at a complicated global corporation with a fast-paced, high-pressure environment. I am often given assignments with tight deadlines on top of my regular day-to-day work.

My boss will send me emails with assignments, using a request format that I thought was smart when I started. If only my boss would pay more attention when she fills it out.

The request calls for details about the audience, key messages, preferred tone, urgency level, and timing. I make the effort to weave in the company values and I put a lot of thought into each draft.

Lately, my boss has had an issue with every single piece I’ve written—but it is always because she left out something critical. Her comments contain some variation of “Oops, I forgot to mention such and such; could you redo this and weave that in?”

This throws off my schedule for the day and creates a last-minute fire drill. I feel like (1) she must have forgotten how much I have on my plate; (2) she doesn’t care enough to put thought into the original request; or, on my worst days, (3) she is trying to sabotage me.

I like the company and my co-workers, but I now dread my boss’s feedback. I have completely lost faith in her. I don’t really want to try to find another job, but I find myself fantasizing about doing just that.

How can I get her to cut it out?

Just So Annoyed

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Dear Just So Annoyed,

I hear your frustration, and I can relate—but you aren’t going to like this, so put on your seat belt.

My experience is that people who quit their job to escape an unresolved communication issue will encounter a new version of the exact same problem in their next job. You can certainly choose to jump ship, but this won’t be the last time you have to deal with an imperfect, distracted boss so you might as well use this opportunity to learn how to deal with it.

The question, as I understand it, is: how can you get your boss to give you all the information you need the first time so that you can deliver exactly what is needed?

First, it might help you to find a bit a grace for your boss by putting yourself in her shoes. I suspect this is a recent problem, as you noted that this behavior has shown up “lately.” It is possible that she also has too much on her plate, or perhaps she is wrangling with some personal problems. Regardless, the more she feels your judgment and annoyance, the higher the chance that she will make errors when working on a brief for you and eventually will start assigning the tasks to someone more easy-going so she can avoid your ire. That is a career-limiting eventuality that you probably want to avoid because, if you do decide to leave your position, you want to make sure you do it in good standing.

Once you make the choice to help your boss give you what you need in a timely manner, the next step is to figure out how to do that. One idea is to schedule a quick chat, which will give her the mental space she needs to capture all of the details before you start the work. Repeat what has been requested, and simply ask “What else?” or “Is there anything missing?” Many people think out loud, and when they become accustomed to working with someone super competent, they can start to believe (or at least hope) that you can read their minds.

If you can’t get fifteen minutes on her calendar, you might change your work style and spend less time making the first draft perfect, knowing it will need a second pass. If you go with this option be sure to mention that, in light of the recent need for revisions, you are switching up your approach and will polish the piece once you are sure that all points are captured.

Finally, I recently read somewhere that anyone who isn’t using AI in their work is almost certainly going to be replaced by someone who is. I’d like to think that isn’t true, but I suspect it is. The kind of work you are doing is exactly the kind of thing AI can help you with—so I highly recommend that you learn how to leverage it. Of course, you should check your company’s policy and use only the AI the company allows. I have spoken to many people who have avoided AI because they feel threatened by it, but that is also a career-limiting attitude.

Instead of getting mad at your boss, try a collaborative approach. Experiment with how you can help her give you what you need to do the best possible job you can. Helping her to help you will build trust—and it won’t go unnoticed. Change your work protocols to accommodate your boss’s absent-mindedness, and leverage technology to take time and effort out of your tasks. The world is only spinning faster, so anything you can do to make things go more smoothly for yourself, your teammates, and your boss will serve you well.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage R&D for a large medical device company. I am at the tail end of my work life. I wanted to retire at the end of this year, but our executive team is encouraging me to stay until I feel comfortable that someone on my team can step into the role.

Right now, I am not seeing a likely replacement. The job requires a wide mix of skills and activities. Although I have shared development ideas with my direct reports, I don’t see anyone doing anything differently.

I just sense that no one really cares much about the job or has the ambition to do anything other than the bare minimum. How can I light a fire under these people?

Where Is the Spark?

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Dear Where Is the Spark?

It might be you, my friend. It sounds like you have made some suggestions that your folks may not quite know what to do with. And they may not know why they should bother.

Getting your people fired up to develop themselves for a senior leadership role requires you to intentionally and systematically tap into their dreams and aspirations, understand their identity—how they see themselves, and convince them of their agency—the extent to which they are empowered to go beyond where they think they can go. It’s up to you to create an environment where each of your people sees what’s possible, why it matters, and how they can grow into it.

Here are some ideas for how you might approach creating such an environment:

1. Share a Vision of What Leadership in Your Organization Can Be

You can do this with your entire team, in small doses.

• Describe what great leadership looks like in your organization—not just in competencies, but in impact.
• Share examples of leaders in your company who are admired. Why are they effective?
• Talk about the difference leaders can make at a senior level. Tell stories. You might say something like: “Leadership here isn’t about position—it’s about shaping direction, driving culture, and building something bigger than yourself.”

The challenge with this idea is that you will also be held to the standards you talk about.

2. Spot and Call Out Potential

People rarely see leadership potential in themselves unless someone points it out.

• Tell individuals specifically what strengths or behaviors you’ve seen in them that signal leadership potential.
• Make it personal and credible: “I see you as someone who could be a strategic leader here because you consistently…”

Don’t wait for them to ask. Plant a seed anytime you see something a person can build on.

3. Connect to Personal Purpose

Deep motivation comes from alignment with identity and values. Who is each team member, at their core? How do they see themselves? What matters most to them?

• You might ask: “What kind of impact do you want to have?” or “What problems do you care most about solving?” or “What interests you most about what we do here?
• Once you get some answers, you can connect to ways that senior leadership might offer them a bigger lever to engage in activities that mean the most to them.

4. Share Responsibility

Growth accelerates when people feel responsible for something bigger than their job. Look at what you do daily and figure out what you can delegate. Start out small, and build.

• Assign stretch responsibilities that align with senior leadership competencies, such as cross-functional work, strategy development, or mentoring others.
• Let them lead change, not just manage tasks.
• Frame it: “This is a great chance to build the skill set senior leaders need.”

5. Make Development Visible and Structured

If development feels fuzzy or unsupported, it can easily fall by the wayside—which is what has been happening for your people.

• Build or recommend a clear pathway: rotational projects, leadership coaching, mentoring, strategic courses. Build on strengths or identify specific gaps they can work on.
• Use individual development plans (IDPs) tied to specific leadership competencies. If your organization already has these, use them. If it doesn’t, create the ones you think are most critical. Start with one or two and be careful not to overpower people with too much, too soon. The key is to start with low-hanging fruit. What is a small thing that might be possible and would make a big difference?

6. Celebrate Progress and Model the Way

People need to see development as a rewarding investment; otherwise, it just feels like extra work.

• Acknowledge each person’s accomplishments and growth in public settings. This reinforces motivation and can inspire others in the group to rise as well.
• Share your own development journey, including struggles. This normalizes growth and makes leadership feel attainable. It would require you to be vulnerable, which could be uncomfortable. But it will humanize you and remind your people that you weren’t always the boss.

You will learn a lot about your people as you try some of these suggestions. The obstacles will become much clearer. You may uncover irrational fears that you can allay. You may find that some of your folks are already overwhelmed by their workload and don’t have the bandwidth to take on anything else. You may uncover some cynicism; e.g., you may hear that the organization is perceived as very political. Cynicism is data that can help you pinpoint assumptions about falsehoods that you can dispel, or about realities you hadn’t noticed or considered important. You can help everyone shift their mindset and support them in navigating obstacles.

This will be a lot more work for you—and, of course, for them. But if they know you care and are paying attention, I guarantee a few will rise to the top. And then you can retire!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a great team. We do good work together, and we seem to always find a way to hit our milestones and deadlines. My problem is that our team lead seems to be inappropriately dependent on me.

He is pretty much AWOL most of the time and I am the only person on the team that he has regular contact with. He asked me to create a report to send him every week outlining where the team is with key projects. He sends me to almost all cross-functional meetings in his place, and I report back with updates on the agenda items, what decisions were made, etc.

Whenever anyone on the team has a problem, they hit me up on Slack and I am generally able to help them out. When I do feel the need to escalate, I send an email to the team lead and hope for a response, though I rarely get one. I usually end up using my best judgment and sending him an email telling him what I decided.

It took me a couple of months to notice just how out of contact he is with the rest of the team. I went for drinks with a couple of team members the other night and the topic came up.

It is now obvious to me that everyone on the team sees me as their leader and that nobody really knows what happened to our lead. We all feel like he just kind of fell off the planet. I am just not sure what to make of this.

I don’t really mind. I enjoy being helpful and I am able to get all of my work done, so the extra time isn’t a problem. But I worry that I am letting myself be taken advantage of. I also worry about what is going to happen when it comes to performance reviews, which are coming up soon. I know who on the team puts the time and effort in and who does the bare minimum, but I don’t feel like it is my job to be calling that out.

I am afraid my lead is going to ask me to handle the performance reviews and I need to be prepared. I think if I am going to do my boss’s job, I need to be paid more and be given the title. Ultimately, it seems unfair to me and to the team.

I have thought about bringing this up with him, but our infrequent 1×1’s are always rushed and packed with so many urgent things, there is never enough time.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

Missing Team Lead

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Dear Missing Team Lead,

I’m sorry—this situation sounds frustrating and upsetting. As someone with a high personal need for clarity, this would drive me insane. You don’t mention when it started or if something changed. Whatever happened to cause your manager to go missing in action, he should have asked you to take a larger role. He should have reached some clear agreements with you about how you would step up and negotiated how the added responsibility might be appropriately acknowledged and rewarded. It is really just that simple. You have definitely been put in an unfair position, and so far you have been a good sport about it. The question is what to do about it.

The choices available to you as always, variations on the classic:

1. Do nothing.
2. Do something.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.

As you think this through, your first step is to decide for yourself just how much ambiguity you can live with for how long, and identify what you really want. If you simply seek clarity, that might be easier to achieve than you expect. Or perhaps you simply want acknowledgement. If what you really want is a promotion, or even a bump in pay, that might be a little trickier. But if you don’t ask, the answer is always no, so getting more comfortable with asking for what you need will serve you well.

You really can do nothing and prepare to stay mum about anyone on the team. At some point your manager will either reappear, resign, or be fired—at which time hopefully you will be promoted to the role you have been doing.

The most obvious “do something” is to have the hard conversation with your AWOL boss. A model you might use to prepare, that has been extremely helpful to many of my clients, is Conversational Capacity. The author, Craig Weber, proposes that we all need to practice a mix of curiosity and candor. You might practice curiosity by asking your manager what is going on with him that is causing him to be so detached from work. You could practice candor by stating your position and how you arrived at it. You can read more about this here. Be clear about what you are experiencing, and express your concerns without blame or judgment. I recommend you practice with a friend to get both the words and the neutral tone right.

Another option would be to speak to your boss’s boss about it—but that depends entirely on your company’s culture. Only you can know if that approach would yield the result you want. If you have a good relationship with your boss’s boss, it could work. Again, avoid blame and judgment.

Removing yourself from the situation would mean trying to find another job, which would probably be overkill. But you could just stop stepping up and see what happens.

Once you decide what you really want and what you are willing to do (and risk) to get it, the choice will reveal itself. You sound level-headed and competent. I suspect you will find your way.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Hello Madeleine,

I am 44, a devout Christian, on the autism spectrum, and working on my PhD at a seminary. From the day I came here I have had one job: I work at the campus post office. The pay is horrible, but I have a Patreon so I don’t need as much as others. I mainly like to interact with the students, especially in the hope of meeting a lady someday to remarry. 

Generally, I get along pretty well with my boss. She helps me in many areas with social relationships. Working with me I think has really informed her on autism.

Some time ago, I told her I wanted to learn how to count the money we receive at the end of the day. I was extremely nervous doing this, fearing I would fail, but at the same time I wanted to impress. I always had her check my work before submitting anything. One day, the account came out $200 over. We don’t know what happened, but I wasn’t allowed to help anymore.

Then we hired a new girl. Did she get to do that? Yep. Did it stab me in the heart every time? Yep. Now that girl is gone and we have hired another new girl. I heard my boss tell her that no one would handle the money but my boss. Then a few weeks ago, I saw the new girl being trained on it.

It devastated me. Not only that, but this girl and I have clashed repeatedly. She is a Miss Manners type who is highly extroverted and expects me to answer questions that I consider small talk. I never respond. I work with her only on Wednesdays and I dread them. Last Wednesday was the worst—I could hear her counting the money in the back and it caused me terrible pain.

I don’t want to be here when that girl is here. Every time I see her, I feel ashamed and get another reminder that I am seen as incapable. 

My philosophy is you should never give up on someone who wants to learn. I have been given up on, and it hurts. I know I can do the job, regardless of what anyone says. I know I can. It’s data entry. I do that regularly. If I can’t do a simple job like that, I might as well quit PhD work right now because that’s a lot tougher.

I am talking with my therapist about this and writing out a response. Until then, what can I do? My therapist says there is a triangulation in relationship now. I go to work and I feel like the outsider.

I don’t think this is malicious at all. My boss has even said it’s not personal, but I wish it was. I would rather be told “You’re not doing the money because I don’t like you” than “You’re not doing the money because I think you’re incapable.”

I know this might sound like a small thing compared to many other business struggles, but for me, it’s huge, and it’s something I’m considering as I look ahead to my career as a teacher. I never want to give up on a student who wants to learn.

Devastated

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Dear Devasted,

Thank you for sharing your experience, I think it will resonate with many people. The first thing I want to say is that this does not sound like a small thing. I think it is painful and distracting for everyone when their boss (1) passes unilateral judgment and writes them off as limited; (2) does not communicate openly when an error is made; and (3) blatantly favors other employees.

This is your job, a significant part of your life, and it’s about being seen, heard, and respected as a human being. I might even go so far as to say that it is huge. I also think if something like this happened to anyone, including me, it would be incredibly upsetting.

My first instinct when I read your letter was to go to my books and reach out to colleagues who are neurodivergent for their perspective. One in particular had this to say: “They weren’t told they made a mistake—they were shown, silently, when someone else got a chance that they didn’t. And that silent message effectively told them: I don’t trust you.

“As someone on the autism spectrum, I can relate to this. We typically experience social interactions differently, sometimes more directly, sometimes more deeply, sometimes with a heightened sensitivity to fairness, consistency, or unspoken rules.

“And it’s not a flaw—it’s a way of perceiving and processing that is valid and valuable. But it can also make situations like this one—where there’s ambiguity, unspoken judgment, or subtle shifts in trust—feel especially painful or confusing. It’s not just about what happened. It’s about what wasn’t said, and the space that leaves for hurt.”

This made perfect sense to me. I agree that when the error was made, it doesn’t sound like any effort was made to discuss it or to go back and figure out how it happened.

Mistakes are to be learned from, not punished. Your boss simply ducked responsibility as the person supervising you to get to the bottom of what happened and make sure it would never happen again.

I share your philosophy that no one should ever give up on someone who wants to learn. And I agree that if you are pursuing a PhD you must have enough going for you from a brain power standpoint to master the task in question.

You say that working with you has “informed her on autism,” but clearly not enough. I am speculating here, but I suspect that the reason she dodged telling the truth about the error is that she was afraid to get it wrong. Little does she know that her dodge has caused a much bigger issue, which is almost always the case—for anyone.

I understand that you would probably prefer to walk on coals than have the hard conversation with your boss. But I also know learning to have difficult conversations with colleagues and bosses—and, in time, with your students—is going to help you in the long term to advocate for yourself when people don’t understand how your brain works differently from theirs.

If having the conversation is simply too daunting, which I understand, perhaps you can write your boss a note explaining how this whole situation has affected you and ask for a second chance at mastering the task. If you go this route, refrain from blaming. Simply explain how you feel and that you are committed to constantly learning and improving—and the only way you can do that is with her feedback and support.

Almost everyone who works with others needs to learn to advocate for themselves, which helps bosses and coworkers understand what their strengths and communication preferences are. It can take time, sometimes years, for most people to increase their comfort level with this.

Let’s talk about the new girl (TNG). I think your strong allergy to her is based on two separate things:

1. she is oblivious to your difference and her apparently natural behavior feels like an attack to you, and
2. she was given the task you want.

The first thing you can do something about, and the second thing is not her fault, but your boss’s. I can’t speak to the triangulation issue as that is outside of my expertise. But I will share that it probably isn’t fair for you to blame the new girl for your boss’s poor communication and avoidance of her duty as your boss to be clear with you.

You can continue to try to avoid TNG, or you could practice advocating for yourself with her. The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn’t go well and you will be totally justified in seeking to avoid her.

I asked ChatGPT to help me with an example of what you might say (based on what you shared in your letter) or what you might put in writing to give to her. This is what it came up with.

“Hi! I’m on the autism spectrum, which means I process information and social interactions a bit differently from other people. I really appreciate clear, direct communication—things like being specific, saying what you mean, and avoiding sarcasm or vague hints. I also tend to be very introverted, so I can feel overwhelmed or drained in high-energy, fast-paced social settings or when interacting with very extroverted personalities. Slower-paced, one-on-one conversations help me stay grounded and engaged. I may need a bit of time to respond or ask for clarification, but I truly value connection and appreciate your patience and understanding.”

Of course this may be all wrong, but you get the gist. I got this idea from my daughter who had surgery on her vocal cords and couldn’t talk for an entire month. She created little note cards to help others understand and navigate her limitation. She would hand them out when she needed to interact with people, and they were very understanding and kind.

Finally, and I would never do this if you hadn’t shared that you are a devout Christian, I will remind you that Jesus spoke often about giving grace to others—through forgiveness, compassion, and mercy—even when it’s hard. While He didn’t often use the exact word grace, His teachings and actions were all about extending it. Jesus urged us to forgive generously:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” (Matthew 18:21–22 NIV)

I in no way want to minimize the pain you have endured by pointing out that the real opportunity here is for you to practice and get better at advocating for yourself by explaining to people how you are different from them and teaching them how to get the best from you. It may be the hardest task you assign yourself, and you may spend the rest of your life mastering it. But the combination of giving people grace and getting good at helping them understand you will make an appreciable difference in all areas of your life.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I just have to tell you that I once had a job in a flower shop where I had to count the money in the register at the end of the day to make sure it matched the total on the register ticket and it was a nightmare, so your predicament strikes very close to my heart.

The only way I could do it was to close the shop and go in the back room and not let anyone talk to me until I got it right. My boss always wanted to chat during this time, and she could count and chat at the same time, so she called me an idiot. TO MY FACE! People still used that language in the 80s. I thought I was one, too, at some level. I barely made it through school because of math.

It turns out that I have a learning disability called dyscalculia, but nobody knew anything about that back then. I only mention it because I had a lot of mean teachers, some of whom accused me of being lazy or willfully stupid. Nevertheless, I managed to run my own business, get a master of science degree, and I now keep the books for my family. So, keep the faith!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly new manager, and I really like managing. My issue is that a young woman I hired a few years ago either cannot or will not meet expectations.

She excelled at the job during her six-month probationary period, and then went off a cliff. She has been on one performance plan after another. She often will improve in the area under scrutiny, but something else always suffers.

She seems to accept feedback and seems to be eminently clear about what needs to be done. She doesn’t miss meetings, but she just can’t seem to hit a deadline no matter how much support I offer or how much I have stressed the importance of the deadline.

It is confusing because she was so great at first. It is obvious that she can do the job. I can’t tell if she is simply lazy or maybe has personal problems she doesn’t feel comfortable mentioning.

It would be easy to simply let her go. The problem is that she has endeared herself to everyone on the team and many people across the organization. I know many people will be upset with me. I feel like I’m a failure and people will hate me.

Task Master

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Dear Task Master,

It can be so confusing when someone provides credible evidence that they are able and willing to do a job only to stop performing for no apparent reason. I caution you against the impulse to use the L word. Not because it isn’t possible that your low performer (LP) might be lazy, but because she will intuit any judgment you have about her character—and it has probably already made her feel unsafe about telling you the truth about what is going on. So let’s start with giving LP the benefit of the doubt. It will vastly increase your chances of success here.

I think you have two challenges: the first is to pull out all the stops to get the bottom of what is going on, and the second is to stop trying to win a popularity contest. Let’s tackle them in order.

I know you say LP went off a cliff right after her probationary period ended, but there is a good chance that something else changed for LP at around that same time. We can speculate all day long, but you are never going to find out unless you set aside the time, explain what is at stake (her continued employment), and make sure she feels safe enough with you to be candid about what is going on.

The list of things that might be affecting LP includes but is not limited to the following:

Personal Issues

• Health problems (mental or physical)
• Family issues or caretaking responsibilities
• Burnout or exhaustion—especially if she had been overperforming
• Life changes—divorce, loss, moving, financial stress

Workplace-Related Issues

• Conflict with coworkers or you
• Feeling unrecognized or undervalued
• Perceived unfairness (pay, promotions, workload)
• Toxic work environment or sudden shift in culture
• Micromanagement or loss of autonomy
• Lack of challenge or feeling stuck

Motivational Drop

• Loss of purpose or disconnection from the work
• Mismatch between her values and company direction
• Boredom or lack of growth opportunities
• She checked out because she’s job hunting

Change in Role or Expectations

• Role drift—maybe the job morphed into something she didn’t sign up for. Even a small change can be destabilizing.
• Overload—expectations increased without support. These may have been so small that you thought they wouldn’t make a difference, and you may have even forgotten about them.
• Poor communication about priorities or goals.

Leadership or Management Changes

• New manager, new policies, or new direction could cause a shift in behavior, especially if trust was lost. This seems like unlikely based on your letter.

I am hoping this list gives you some ideas about what you might be missing.

Prepare carefully for your conversation: stick to questions, be open and curious, and refrain from being defensive or explaining your own position until you have brought all the issues to the table. Essentially, go into it ready to listen to learn something new. Once you have done that, your path forward will become clear.

Now. Let’s talk about your concern that people will hate you if you can’t find a way to help LP get back on track and you let her go. This is one of those things that makes being a manager so tricky: you are always balancing the needs of the organization, the needs of the team, and the need to create the best possible environment for each individual to thrive.

But here is a truth that may help: team members know when someone is a low performer. And as much as they may like the person, they inevitably will come to resent them. Why? Because our brains are wired to constantly look for and fight against unfairness. There is always that little voice in the back of our heads that wonders “Why am I killing myself over here when so-and-so is slacking off?” And when the manager of the team allows a low performer to get away with doing poor work, or not as much work as everyone else, the team members will eventually lose respect for the manager.

So if you do your due diligence, create a safe space to understand what is going on, use the information to help LP get back on track, and still can’t get her to where she needs to be, you must let her go. Some folks may be bummed about it but they probably won’t hate you. If you do it appropriately, are careful about how you share the news (meaning you don’t say anything derogatory about LP), and stick to the facts, people will almost certainly respect and appreciate the decision.

If it is any consolation, this kind of scenario is the bane of all managers no matter how experienced. You stand to learn an awful lot from it, painful though it may be.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people for over a decade and now manage several businesses. There are constant fires that need to be put out. I spend hours on the phone trying to get to the bottom of what the problems are. Sometimes, after I have put in time, it turns that what seemed like a huge issue just isn’t.

I can’t tell if this is just the job, or if I need to get better at identifying whether something is simply noise or a real problem that keeps us from meeting our deadlines. My biggest concern is that I will misjudge and let a critical issue slide.

How do other leaders deal with this?

Tempest in a Tea Pot

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Dear Tempest in a Tea Pot

It is both: it’s the job and it’s something you need to get better at.

What you’re describing is a classic challenge for high-level managers: balancing urgent issues with truly important ones. Some problems feel massive but end up being inconsequential, while others sneak in as minor concerns and derail progress if left unaddressed. The people who master this aspect of leadership enjoy their work a lot more than those who don’t.

It sounds like you might benefit from implementing a structured approach for triaging issues more effectively. Here are some ideas:

Create a Decision Filter: Develop a reliable system for assessing the impact of a problem. Questions you might ask yourself include:

• Will this problem directly affect revenue, compliance, or key deadlines?
• Is it recurring or a one-time issue?
• Does it require my input or can someone else handle it?
• What is the worst-case scenario if it isn’t addressed right now?

Empower Your Team: If you’re spending too much time on the phone chasing down problems, it could mean your team isn’t equipped to handle certain issues independently. Possibly you have trained them to depend on you instead of requiring them to consider possible solutions before escalating to you. Consider implementing a clear escalation process where only specific, high-level concerns reach you.

Data-Driven Analysis: Keep a log of these fires. You may be able to identify patterns, which would point to certain processes that need refinement or proactive solutions.

Set Communication Protocols: Instead of reacting to every issue immediately, structure how your team communicates problems. For example:

• Categorize issues (critical, important, low priority). Define exactly what needs to be escalated and what you expect your people to deal with on their own.
• Have daily or weekly problem-solving huddles. This may help to develop a shared understanding and language for what is a real problem and what might be interpreted as a temporary inconvenience.
• Require that your team members submit a written report before you agree to a meeting, so that you can see the full scope before reacting. Sometimes the discipline of having to explain a situation in writing can help the person identify a solution for themselves.

Time-Box Your Problem-Solving: Instead of getting dragged into long phone calls, set a limit; e.g., “Let’s discuss this for ten minutes. If needed, we’ll escalate further.”

If you have any peers you trust, it could help to ask them how they deal with this issue. You may get some great ideas that relate directly to your business.

This is definitely part of the job; but if you’re constantly firefighting, it might indicate that you need to stop allowing your folks to use you as a sounding board, duck responsibility, or be overly dramatic. As Ken Blanchard has said, “Leadership is what happens when you’re not around.” So the more you can train them to think things through, assess risk, weigh the options, develop a community of thought partners, and make good decisions without needing your help, the more you are developing your people.

I wish you smoother sailing!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in communications in a multi-national, publicly owned company. I report to our CHRO with a dotted line to marketing. My job is to make sure our messaging is consistent across all our countries.

Our CEO and his executive team recently rolled out a complex strategic vision for the next five years, which included a small but significant reorganization and some new plans. I created the initial coms plan, which my boss took to the executive team. They made a few tweaks and signed off on it. I was so proud of the plan—I used research about change management to create it.

The big vision and the plans were announced at a town hall meeting. It went fine. Some people were freaked out, but that was to be expected. The next week I delivered the follow-up script and deck to the executive team for the FAQ meeting that had been scheduled, only to be told it had been canceled and that I should reschedule it for a month out. I complied, only to have it canceled again. I asked what date might work and got crickets. I have had it on my 1×1 agenda every week, but my boss cancels often as there are always more pressing issues. In the meantime, the entire coms plan is now a full quarter behind. In my last meeting with my boss, he informed me that the CEO doesn’t really see what he is trying to make happen as a “change” and doesn’t see the need to continue focusing on it. Our CEO apparently said, “If we keep talking about it, it will just encourage people to complain more. I want people to just get on with it.”

I get multiple emails a day from department heads asking when the FAQs are going to be ready, along with other questions I don’t have answers to. It is not my place to send anything without my boss’s say so. I feel completely helpless to influence what is looking to me like a train headed off a cliff.

I have been working in companies long enough to know anything that’s different from the status quo is a change, and change needs to be managed carefully and supported with lots of information and conversation. How can I influence my boss to influence the CEO? I am so frustrated.

Helpless

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Helpless

Yours is not the first CEO to be a technically brilliant, gifted strategist who is utterly clueless about how humans operate. Nor is he the first who fails to listen to the people hired to help them accomplish their goals. Is it ego? Self-regard? Hubris? Who knows?

Your CHRO should know better than to allow what is certainly a huge change to go unmanaged. I hate to say it, but it is on his head if the whole thing flops miserably. Cold comfort, I know. But you did your job. You created the plan—it really is not your fault if it is ignored.

You must ask yourself what is within your control here. What if you were to suggest creating a site on the company’s intranet in which you can post the FAQs? Perhaps you could create an email address where people can send questions, just so you can show your boss that the problem is escalating. Instead of waiting for a 1×1, email him to suggest these things, and let him know that unless you hear otherwise, you will go ahead. That way, you take care of people who need answers and you have covered your tail in case your CEO gets upset. There is a good chance he won’t even notice.

Part of me wants to suggest that you write a letter to your CEO explaining that sharing suggestions for what he can do to vastly improve the chances that his people will “get on with it”. But I know in my heart that it will probably not result in anything positive for you. If you thought it had a chance of working, you would have already done that. Continue to surface the issue with your own boss until he tells you to stop. Maybe you could send him a letter outlining the best practices, with supporting research and statistics making the case that he could use with the CEO. But you must guard against being too attached to an outcome.

I am sure you have plenty of other work to do, so figure out what you can do without burning a bridge and let it go. If you continue to nurse your disappointment, it will only end up hurting you.

You might, of course, consider finding work at a company where the leadership is better and you think you can make an impact. There are some decent leaders out there—just not very many.

You can’t take it to heart when people in power refuse to listen to reason. Just do your best. That’s all you can do. Chalk it up to experience, try to find the humor, and move on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

2024 was certainly a time of change. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. From navigating hybrid work complexities to tackling burnout, Madeleine’s insight and practical advice made the road a little easier.

Here is a countdown of this year’s top five most-viewed columns. Madeleine will return on January 4 with a new year of questions—possibly yours?

Working from Home and Feeling Left Out? Ask Madeleine

A remote worker reached out with a familiar concern: as the only remote team member, they felt left out of important conversations and worried their contributions were losing visibility. Madeleine’s advice? Be proactive—schedule regular check-ins, and suggest inclusive practices for your team.

Daily Back-to-Back Meetings Have You Fried? Ask Madeleine

“Help!” wrote a reader stuck in an endless cycle of meetings. Madeleine empathized, noting this is a common issue in today’s hybrid work environments. Her solution? A step-by-step plan to reassess priorities, block focused work time, and diplomatically decline unnecessary meetings.

Not Sure How to Address Burnout? Ask Madeleine

Helping people cope with stressors is a good start, says Madeleine in her third most-read column of the year. But it is far preferable to address the origin of the stressors that cause burnout in the first place. Madeleine shares some recommended resources and strategies.

Hired the Boss’s Son? Ask Madeleine

Regretting a hiring decision? A reader sought advice after realizing the boss’s son might not have been the best fit for the team. Madeleine offered two pathways—depending on the reader’s level of influence and job security—to address the situation constructively.

Team Member Is Overusing PTO? Ask Madeleine

In 2024’s most-read column, a manager sought advice on handling a team member’s excessive PTO usage. Madeleine suggested a compassionate yet firm approach: initiate a conversation about the impact of their choices and explore ways to balance individual needs with team dynamics.

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Wishing you a Happy New Year filled with growth, connection, and success!

Dear Madeleine,

I run a commercial retail real estate firm in a big city in the Midwest. We have some seasoned senior brokers, all of whom have done well working with junior brokers, training them while also benefiting from their help.

The model has worked really well, except in the case of one senior broker. He does very well financially, but has developed a reputation in town of not following through. Also, he sometimes fails to show up for meetings with landlords and even prospective renters.

He has gone through several junior brokers in quick succession because he treats them like trash and does not properly share commissions. He was a lot of fun our first ten years in business, but as the business has grown and we have all matured, he seemingly hasn’t grown up.

I am the owner of the business, but other than overseeing legal compliance and providing basic guidelines, I have been hands-off—not really a boss. I have pointed out some of this person’s more extreme behavior to him, but it is getting to the point of no return. Everyone knows everyone in our town, so people know his antics are not a reflection on me or my firm, but it is getting out of hand.

How do I get someone in their mid-40s to stop behaving like a child? I really need him as a senior broker to develop the juniors so that they want to stay and grow. And I need to stop the gossip about his partying and the impression that our entire firm is filled with people who are not serious about their profession. I should mention that he and I are longtime friends. He has been with me since the beginning, which complicates things.

Man-child Mayhem

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Man-child Mayhem,

It can be hard when you outgrow longtime friends—and when they work for you, it can make things downright impossible. I am struggling with finding a way to say what I want to say without offending you, so please forgive me in advance if I miss the mark. Here goes.

You need to face two essential truths:

1. You are the boss.
2. People don’t change until the cost of not changing becomes too high to bear. This applies to both you and Man-child.

Some food for thought based on these two truths:

You may not want to be the boss, but you are. The whole “not really the boss” thing can work as long as everybody behaves themselves, but not so much (as you are currently experiencing) when they don’t. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and that someone is going to be you. Again—you are the boss. The only way you are going to get the Man-child to grow up is to insist on it and enact appropriate consequences if he fails to comply.

There is a chance that he just doesn’t know how to be a grownup. If that is the case, you can give him very clear instructions on what is grownup behavior and what isn’t. And when I say clear, I mean literally put his dos and don’ts in writing so that you can pull up the document when you have to discuss it. Give him a few chances to get used to acting like a grownup at work.

If he does know but just doesn’t care, well, you have a choice. You can choose to tolerate the unacceptable or you can choose to part ways. If you need to part ways, you can certainly share that you hope not to lose the friendship—but you should be ready for that eventuality.

It is up to you. It is your business and your reputation on the line here. Way back when, people in your town were in the know and were able to separate the Man-child from you. But as you grow and he crosses paths with new people, they will absolutely wonder what kind of an operation you are running.

You have grown up—well, almost. You are suffering from the effects of not having completely grown up. Now is time for you to take full responsibility for your business or suffer the consequences. You know what you need from your people and you seem to be getting it from everyone but Man-child. You might consider taking it to the next level by checking out the work of Henry Cloud, an expert on boundaries. His book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships and Being Ridiculously in Charge might give you just the step-by-step direction you need to step fully into being a real boss.

Look, I hate making anyone comply with anything, so if you are having an allergic reaction to what I am saying, I get it. But part of being a grownup means accepting reality. And reality can be a harsh taskmaster.

Have the hard conversation. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Reward good behavior and do not, I repeat, do not look the other way when Man-child acts like an idiot. Give him a few chances and then—if he cannot or will not raise his standards—pull the plug exactly the way you said you would. Your business is at stake.

I’m sorry. I hope I am wrong about this. If you get a better idea from someone else, please share it with me.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a regional business unit for a global supply chain company. During the Covid lockdown everyone went remote, and the organization got rid of the office we had. I like working remotely. And it works well for my team for all the reasons people state: no one misses the commute, there’s much more flexibility to get things done at home, and you only have to be presentable from the waist up. The work part of my job is fine. What I have realized only recently, though, is that I am lonely.

I used to have lunch with coworkers, go out for drinks after work, and chat with people in the hallways. The small talk used to get on my nerves a bit when I was on a deadline, but now I have no small talk at all. Two of my good work friends transferred to regions in very different time zones, so staying connected with them has been a challenge as well.

The Covid shutdown was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. We had both traveled a lot for work and when we were forced to spend 24/7 together, it became clear that we were in denial about how incompatible we were. I started living alone about a year ago. Getting divorced was a relief, but what I didn’t anticipate was the effect it would have on my social life: all my friends are “coupled” and it doesn’t occur to them to include me in their plans. My very best friend just had twins so she literally has no time for herself—let alone for me.

I am an introvert, so doing the things I need to do to rebuild a network feels utterly beyond me. I am only in my mid-thirties and all I do is work, scroll Instagram, and binge Netflix shows. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I am feeling very stuck and sad. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Lonesome

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Dear Lonesome,

I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. There is a little bit of a silver lining in that you have at least admitted to yourself the reality of what is going on and you’ve named how it makes you feel. That is a critical first step to making some changes. I think it may also be helpful to understand that the changes in your circumstances were gradual, and what you are now dealing with is the cumulative effect of that. None of this is your fault, Lonesome—it is simply the result of a whole bunch of events that were out of your control.

However.

You must—absolutely must—take action. I hear you when you say that rebuilding feels beyond you, but rebuilding is non-negotiable. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did it. Why? The research is clear: loneliness will impact your health. You can read Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s paper, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” You will see immediately that you are not alone. The effects of the Covid-19 started a snowballing of isolation that has caught many off guard. It might also be helpful to pinpoint exactly what feels beyond you, so that you can identify what feels doable. If absolutely nothing feels doable, you might consider talking to a medical professional to address what might be mild depression. That would certainly make sense, given what you have been through. This tip is, of course, outside my expertise—but if it resonates with you, there might be something to it.

What to do? Dr. Murthy makes some broad recommendations on pg. 66 of his paper, but I can also share some ideas that came to mind when I read your letter.

Start with what you already have:

• If there is no time for small talk online, set up time with coworkers nearby to meet in person. Meet at a coffee shop to work on a specific project. Have regular one-on-ones with your direct reports in person once a month—again, meet at a coffee shop or find an outdoor space if you live in a warm climate. Plan dinners with coworkers. I know social time used to be spontaneous, but now you will have to plan it ahead. If you are worried that you have all lost the skill of small talk, bring along a list of questions to get things going. Rely on your management skill and manifest some get-togethers with people who only see each other online. This is crucial to your well-being—and there is a good chance you aren’t the only one suffering, so, as a leader, it is also the best thing you can do for your people.
• You still have good work friends. Don’t let the time-zone thing deter you. Friendships are precious, and the only way to maintain them is to make the effort.
• Assuming your ex didn’t get custody of all your “coupled” friends, get in touch with the ones you liked. Let them know you are ready to socialize again and would love to be included in whatever social plans they are making. Pick up your phone and use it for what it was originally intended for—talking to people. Text them, at the very least. You have been out of sight, so you have been out of mind, and that is something you can change. There is no law that says couples can only hang with other couples.
• Your BFF has twins? I guarantee she is as lonely as you are. There is nothing as isolating as being at home with babies. Stop by with dinner. Offer to go to her house and hold one of the babies so that she can have one-on-one time with the other one. Go over and help with bathtime. Get her out for a walk with the stroller—it is so much easier to do with two people in case one of the babies melts down or they both do at the same time. If all she can talk about is baby stuff, so what? Smile, nod, and slap an interested look on your face, even if you are bored to tears. I had my first kid long before any of my friends did, and the only friends I still have thirty-five years later are the ones who went out of their way to accommodate my new circumstances. I am forever grateful to them.

Once you have done a few of the above things, you can cast a wider net.

• Adopt a pet. If that feels like too much, but you like dogs, go to your local shelter and volunteer to walk one.
• Find a way to volunteer for a cause that matters to you or a great need in your community that you can help address. Something that gets you out of your house. There is nothing like being in service to others to get your mind off yourself.
• Join a gym—or if you are allergic to gyms, make yourself go for a walk everyday. Just getting outdoors, having a little sun on your face, will change your outlook. At the very least, it will get you off your phone and your couch. If you like to hike, find a meetup near you to join like-minded others. Or use Meetup to find people who share any other interest you may have.
• If you are a reader, find or start a book group. If you are a cook, start a cooking club.

Start small, Lonesome. Try forcing yourself to do one thing a week for the first month, then two things a week, until you get to three things a week. Experiment! Not everything will be a smashing success, but you will learn, tweak as you go, and clarify what works well.

This will be hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, but there isn’t. You are at the mercy of Newton’s first law, otherwise known as inertia, which states that an object will remain at rest or in motion unless an external force acts upon it. Objects at rest will stay at rest; objects in motion will stay in motion. It takes a big charge of energy to change your state of inertia, so you will have to apply some will to change it. You will have moments when you want to cancel; when you would much prefer to stay home in your jammies. You will 100% be uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay.

Discomfort won’t kill you, but loneliness will. Get to work. Today.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I don’t quite know how to say this without sounding like a total jerk, but I am really, really smart. It was useful getting through school—I got the highest possible scores on standardized tests without even trying. I have an almost photographic memory, and forget nothing. I got through college in three years and now have a great job in finance and data analysis while going to grad school for data science.

My problem: nobody listens to me.

There are ways we do things that could be done much more easily. There are computer shortcuts nobody here seems to know about that could speed things up. All my coworkers call me “the kid” and tease me constantly about being a know-it-all. All I am trying to do is help them get their work done faster. We have several software systems, but only three of these would be necessary to achieve everything we need. Apparently, no one understood the capabilities of what we already had when they were trying to figure out how to accomplish something new that was needed.

I have tried to share several thoughts with my boss—but he has no time for me and usually has no idea what I am talking about. He has made it clear that I am annoying him.

I am not such an out-of-touch brainiac that I don’t know I need to somehow improve my emotional intelligence. I’ve heard that feedback my whole life. But I am not sure where to start.

I was hoping you could point me in the right direction.

Smarty Pants

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Dear Smarty Pants,

It can be so shocking to find out that smart, highly functional adults can blithely ignore inefficiencies and outdated processes. It is common, so much more than you’d think, until you become aware of myriad ways attention gets hijacked by the way our brains work.

There are so many cognitive biases you are up against trying to get people to make changes that seem like straightforward common sense. As human beings:

• We have a strong tendency to focus on getting things done by completing things we’ve invested time and energy in.
• We maintain focus by favoring the immediate, relatable thing in front of us, and deferring to doing things the way we already know works.
• We notice details that confirm our own existing beliefs.

And that is just for starters. To learn more about the way unconscious cognitive biases affect behavior, you can find a beautifully organized, in-depth map of them here.

I will caution you ahead of time to not use your extraordinary recall to tell people the bias they are suffering from at any given moment, because it will not win you any friends.

I think there are two courses of action here. The first is to learn the basics of emotional intelligence, which I guarantee will serve you well for the rest of your life. The second is to create a plan to apply what you have learned to the situation you are currently in.

The resource to start with to learn more about Emotional Intelligence is Daniel Goleman’s seminal book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ. Goleman’s research outlines exactly why you have received the feedback you have—it is because high IQ and a practically perfect memory will get you so far and no further. His framework makes good sense, as there are skills you need to build your own EIQ that first involve increasing self-awareness and learning how to regulate oneself, then building awareness of others, and then getting better at moderating your own behavior to effectively communicate with people. This is the primer to start with—don’t let the fact that it was published in 2005 deter you.

Once you have laid the groundwork, you will be ready for the advanced course. There are so many great books on influencing others, but my favorites come from Craig Weber. Craig’s approach zeroes in on how to get better at engaging people in conversation by being curious about what they are thinking and then sharing your own thoughts in a way that others will be open to. His methods work for people who struggle with a lack of confidence and shyness as well as people who suffer from alienating others by being the smartest person in the room. His first book will help you to have better conversations, and his second will help you to influence people.

In the end, Smarty Pants, no one is so smart that they are going to accomplish great things by themselves. Not even you. It just doesn’t work that way. But for someone as smart as you are, who can engage the brilliance of others as well, the possibilities are infinite. You won’t be called “the kid” forever—time will take care of that. And as you practice your new skills, people will stop finding you annoying and calling you a know-it-all.

I have heard it said that navigating humans isn’t rocket science and I agree, because it is actually much harder. Humans should only be as straightforward as math and physics. But there are some rules you can learn that will make navigating them more manageable.

Your towering intelligence is a great gift, and, like all gifts, it is a double-edged sword. And you are experiencing its shadow side. I am confident that if you apply your smarts to expanding your awareness of yourself and others, and learn new skills, there will be no stopping you.

Good luck!

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I think I have a generational disconnect going on. I am a millennial (though I was born in 1981, so many people think I am GenX) and I supervise a lot of young people right out of college—classic GenZ people.

I am really struggling with this notion of privilege. When I was a kid, privileged basically meant people who had special advantages and tended to be oblivious about how much easier that made their lives, and how easily opportunities fell into their laps. To me, anyway, it almost always meant wealth.

Now, however, the term privilege seems to be used pejoratively about anyone who has something that somebody else doesn’t have. I feel like the young people I supervise are always looking around for things they see as unfair or offensive.

Just last week, I was explaining that a big project had gone to another group. Someone said the reason we didn’t get it was that the other group’s supervisor has a friend on the executive team. I replied that the choice was made because it is a global project and the other team has a lot more members on the East Coast, which makes the multiple time zones easier to manage. Some people seemed mollified, but others doubled down on their discontent.

My point here is: who cares? There are plenty of projects to go around, and there is no value whatsoever in investing in the whys and wherefores of how decisions get made. I don’t understand the knee-jerk reaction to assume that when someone else gets an opportunity you wanted, it is for a nefarious reason. It seems as if young people automatically assume the game is rigged and they will always be on the losing end.

I keep reiterating the only thing that matters is that we work hard, stay out of trouble, and produce good work. At least in our organization, my experience tells me we are created equal. If we strive to be competent and keep our commitments, that’s what matters.

Am I simply from a generation that is overly optimistic? What am I missing here?

Gen Z Confusion

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Dear Gen Z Confusion,

There is a lot to unpack here: generational differences, notions about privilege, taking offense from—well—pretty much everything. I started doing some research on all of it, went down a massive rabbit hole, and got myself in a muddle. Then, to reboot my brain, I read your letter about five more times. Here is what I have for you.

I don’t think this is a generational difference. I don’t think this is about privilege. I think what you are dealing with are some individuals in your group who have developed the habit of looking for stuff to rail against. This habit is not limited to any one generation. It has probably been part of the human condition since the advent of Homo habilis—roughly 2.8 million years. For every innovative early man celebrated for figuring out how to use a stone as a new tool, you can bet there was someone throwing shade. This insidious habit is a little like pinkeye—extremely contagious and just as nasty.

This might help you better understand what you are dealing with: the behavior you are experiencing is resentment. Brené Brown (whom my colleagues and I call “Auntie Brené” because she is such a font of wisdom) says this about it:

“Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.”

                                                                                    Atlas of the Heart, pg. 33

Some of your people are putting a lot of energy into pointing out the ways life isn’t fair. There are definitely those who will swear this is a defining feature of Gen Z, but I can attest that plenty of Boomers did it. It may be more common among the young. As people get older, they tend to develop some equanimity around the sad truth that life is not fair and learn to get on with things. At least the lucky ones do.

The question is: what can you do about it? The key is to identify the people who are infecting the whole crew and keep them from doing it.

You might start with a candid conversation with each of them, individually. As you prepare, there might be some value in understanding the part you play in the dynamic. I understand your question “Who cares?” means you don’t really care and you don’t think anyone else should, either. It is a valid point, and you are the boss, but being right isn’t going to help you here. The more you resist caring, the more resistance you will get from people who think you should care. So step one is to get curious.

You can start with some questions to better understand the grievers’ grievances. They may have some valid ones—and you might find yourself caring more than you expected to. Even if that isn’t the case, simply listening can be perceived as caring and can often diffuse negative feelings. Questions you might ask are:

• Do you think there is a lot that goes on around here that is unfair or unjust?
• How does this affect you in your day-to-day work?
• What do you think can be done about it?
• Do you think you should be getting more of something (choice projects, pay, time off, influence) that you are not getting? How might I support you in getting it?
• Do you think there is anything within my control that I should be doing something about?
• Do you see how your focusing on perceived unfairness might not be useful in group settings?
• What might be different if you focused on what is working well for the team instead of what isn’t?

This conversation alone may change the dynamic. If it doesn’t, you can make a request. Ask the most vocal grumblers to stay focused on the positive and keep their complaints limited to conversations with you so that you can troubleshoot them together.

You can also share with your entire team that you have noticed a tendency to over-focus on real or potential negatives, which bogs everything down, and you would like to experiment with how to shift it. You probably aren’t the only one to notice this tendency. You might be surprised by ideas generated by others on the team.

Consider working together to come up with a shared vision and credo for the team. It would be made up of the possibility of excellence and the team’s shared values—essentially what everyone on the team thinks is most important in terms of working well together, doing the best possible job at any given time, and what makes the team especially valuable to the organization. There might be someone on your HR or Learning and Development team who can help you conduct a workshop to do this. If you are on your own, you will find some guidance here. When the whole team has agreed on what behaviors are out of bounds, there is a much better chance you won’t be the only one having to shut down behavior that derails conversations.

Your best bet is to stop worrying about labels and treat each person on your team as an individual with a world view informed by their beliefs and experiences. Meet each person where they are. Influence them by role-modeling fairness, caring, and using any privilege you may have to advocate for those who don’t have it.

You may just win over the doom-and-gloomers to the sunny side of the street.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was made supervisor for a team at a software company about six months ago. I like the job and the people on my team, and I’m slowly figuring out how to be a decent manager. I feel lucky that I was moved to a different team so I don’t have to manage my former peers.

I have become friendly with the other supervisors—we meet to discuss priorities, stay on top of changes, and share tips. I started meeting with one of them for an occasional beer after work. At first, everything was great. But now that we’ve grown closer, they spend all of our time together gossiping about the other supervisors and trashing the people on their team.

This person talks endlessly about how stupid, lazy, and disrespectful people are. I feel like I am there just to listen to them complain. I want to talk about travel, books, movies, or fun things we have planned for the weekend.

I listen and try to empathize, but they show no interest in helping anyone or in hearing my thoughts. They are so snarky, I am afraid if I cut them off they will spread nasty rumors about me. I can’t remember what personal things I have shared—nothing terrible, but who knows what they might say?

How do I get out of this relationship without setting them off and potentially causing real damage?

Stuck with a Loser

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stuck with a Loser,

Oh dear, this is a tough one. I am sorry. It is hard when people start out great and end up showing their true colors once the hooks are in. I am always fascinated by people who do nothing but trash others and then wonder why they have no friends at work.

Part of me wants to encourage you to reflect this person’s awfulness back to them and try to get them to see that their perception of people is part of the problem. But honestly, that kind of a hard conversation would be one you make the effort to have with people you love and have a commitment to.

Your only other option is to get away from this person as quickly as you can.

You might start by inviting as many people as will come to join you after work so there is a group you can slowly fade out of. If that doesn’t work, make something up. Am I suggesting you lie? Indeed I am. I suppose some might judge me, but I am nothing if not practical. Find a (fictional) new hobby or volunteer job that requires your attention after work. Every night. Or invent a cousin with a family emergency who needs you to babysit every evening for the foreseeable future. If you can’t stand to lie, or are too worried you might get busted, maybe find a real activity—hiking, yoga, taking a side gig as a personal shopper, or committing to writing a novel. Anything that the person won’t be interested in so they won’t ask to join you. Anything that will be more pleasant than spending time with them.

Of course, you could tell the truth—that you feel like all they do is complain and talk smack about people and you can’t spend time with them anymore. I know that might feel risky, but here’s the thing: if they are saying horrible things about everyone else in their work orbit, they are probably already trashing you when you aren’t around. There is an excellent chance everybody else has this person’s number and doesn’t listen to a word they say.

You don’t owe them another moment of your time—or, frankly, the truth. Just get away from them and try not to worry. Stay focused on doing a good job with your team and cultivating relationships with people who share your values. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the founder and CEO of a specialty investment services company, which I started—for fun—after retiring from my first career in investment banking. My executive team is amazing. Since we are so specialized and the field is super technical, I have had to find the best and the brightest.

My problem is that I am ready to retire—for real—sometime soon. The guy who is slated to succeed me is a genius but, unfortunately, a jerk. He is perfectly capable of not being a jerk: he is downright warm and charming with clients, but he is horrible to the people he works with. He is extremely smart, has never failed at anything, and has no humility.

I trust him implicitly when it comes to strategy, advising clients, and making decisions. But I am afraid if he becomes CEO, people will quit in droves and the whole company will fold.

I don’t want to see all my hard work go down the drain. How do I approach this with him?

Ready to Go

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Ready to Go,

Head on, my friend! That is the only way. Tell the truth, lay out the crossroads choice that Junior has before him, make some demands, and hold the line.

Is there no one else you can trust to take your place? That is my first question. If the answer is an unequivocal no, you are going to have to bite the bullet and demand to see some change—and soon. And there must be consequences for your successor if you don’t see the changes you need to see.

I do think many people who end up in the investment banking industry are accustomed to having bosses who are whip smart but not very—shall we say—nice. This is based on my own experience working in the field and the many anecdotes I have heard over the decades. It is universally acknowledged that investment banking is a little like trench warfare.

Given that, I wonder what worries you so much about Junior taking over. What does he do, exactly, that you think will cause people to quit in droves? I suspect you have plenty of examples. Use them. You must be specific if you are going to give him feedback and demand change—and even more specific about the exact changes you need to see, so that you can track and measure the changes. You will want to come up with a list of do’s, don’ts, and non-negotiable never ever agains.

The good news is you know he knows how to act like a decent human being because you have seen him do it with clients. He just needs to figure out how to keep it up with his peers and employees.

If you have any stated company values, you might be able to use those to point to the ways Junior is not a role model for them. You could also give examples of his good behaviors with clients that are aligned with the company values that he might use to replace some of his not-so-nice behaviors with colleagues.

Another thought is to share this article with him: Level Five Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve. It is based on Jim Collins’ research about the leaders of companies who stand the test of time. An oldie but goodie, it outlines the long-term advantages of humility as an unbeatable leadership trait.

You might also share something Ken Blanchard has often said about humility: “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” People can learn to be more humane, kind and considerate to others. It isn’t easy and it takes practice, but it is doable.

Will this be the first time Junior has heard feedback about what a jerk he is to the people he works with? It may come as a surprise to him. But if he is as smart as you think he is, hopefully he will see the value of making an effort. If you give the feedback and ask for clear concrete evidence that he can change his ways, and you are met with a blank stare or a straight-up unwillingness to even try, you may want to consider closing down the business or selling it to a competitor that has a decent leader who knows how to treat people. I think if Junior knows you are seriously considering both options, he might be motivated to head off those possibilities.

Humility is a tricky character trait to develop. If a person doesn’t come wired with humility, it is usually acquired through facing excruciating life circumstances such as catastrophic failure of some kind. So Junior is going to have to either fail as a leader, or be imaginative enough to see the dire consequences of possible failure. You, in your quest to help him, will need fierce resolve. Don’t take the path of least resistance if you want to retire with no worries.

You obviously think there is some hope for Junior, or you wouldn’t have written. The question is: will you be persuasive enough to get him to rise to the challenge? Leverage everything you know about him, what is interesting to him, and how much he enjoys winning to get him to see the benefits. Your restful retirement depends on it.

Good luck with your last leadership test.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people for decades. With the advent of Covid, I put a lot of focus on getting better at managing hybrid teams. (This blog really helped me.) I have some people who come to the office and about half the group works remotely. I go in four days a week.

I have developed a reputation for being fair, working with individuals to find challenging opportunities and being flexible with work preferences. But lately I have begun to wonder if I am being too flexible, at the expense of the functioning of my team. For example, I have one direct report who has informed me that he intends to move to Australia. He just assumed I would be okay with it. I am not.

I really wish he had approached me with this as a request and not presented it as a fait accompli. I never would have approved this move. But now all the plans have been made—and if I were to say no at this point, it would cause a lot of turbulence. My biggest issue is that we already work with multiple time zones, and adding another one on the opposite side of the world is going to increase complexity. I haven’t even begun the process of talking to HR about the laws governing employment in Australia, and that worries me. This person is a good employee, but there have been some issues with accountability and entitlement. I wouldn’t mind letting him go and hiring someone new for the job.

What I really want to do is ask him if we can roll back this decision, but I worry that he only behaved the way he did because I sent mixed messages. How much of this is my fault? What can I do now?

Not OK

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Not OK,

Wow, this is so relatable. As a manager, I often have erred on the side of giving people too much freedom (which is crucial to me) and have suffered similar mix-ups. I applaud your willingness to consider the part you might have played in creating the situation and your desire to take responsibility for it. But, at least from the information you provided, it does seem like your employee took some liberties.

In the blog post you mention, Real Talk About Leading Hybrid Teams, Randy Conley points out that with hybrid teams, it is even more critical to make the implicit explicit. I think that point might be the one to focus on now.

Blanchard just sent out an updated employee handbook that outlines very clearly how employees should proceed if they wish to relocate. It begins with a conversation with one’s manager to obtain explicit permission. I can only imagine that your company has something similar. So there might be a chance that your direct report ignored precise direction.

Even if you don’t have such a handbook, you are within your rights as a manager to have a serious conversation with your world traveler. It is completely fair for you to point out that you would have preferred that he consult you, rather than inform you, before making such a huge decision. It is also fair to tell him that you need to do your homework—both with HR to see if it is feasible, and with your team to see if the time difference will correspond with the team’s workflow. Finally, assuming you have talked about accountability issues already, it is fair to express your concerns about how the distance and time difference will affect this person’s ability to stay on top of his deliverables.

I appreciate your worry that your flexibility has led to a misunderstanding, but I think a line was crossed here, and you can push back. You would need to do so even if the employee were a superstar performer. It is never too late to be explicit when needed. It really is not your fault that your employee jumped the gun. And if you can’t make it work, he will reap the consequences.

Do your due diligence. Decide one way or the other if you can make this work for you and the team. Share your thinking. You can own your part in this situation but you can also insist that your employee own his. If it can work, outline the parameters of how. If it can’t—well, it might be a hard conversation.

Be clear, be direct, and be kind.

You can use this as an opportunity to get ahead of any other non-negotiables you haven’t shared with your team. Examine additional assumptions your direct reports might be making, and make the implicit explicit.

Most people crave certainty, so the more you can give them, the better.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

I just got hired as head of sales for a marketing services firm. I’m really excited to drive the future growth of this small and mighty company.

My new team includes several very young team members. For some, this is their first professional job. I have always led more senior sales professionals and leaders of sales teams, so to lead individual contributors—especially at this junior level—makes me a bit nervous. I have children the same age as these employees, and it is a big challenge to engage and motivate them.

I’ve noticed they seem to get frustrated easily. They have a hard time dealing with the pressure of deadlines and don’t like receiving negative feedback or criticism. Also, I already see them taking advantage of our flexible time off and work from home policies.

How am I supposed to help them grow if they can’t accept that they have to change? I want to develop them into productive team members, but the level of work I need to do makes me think it’s not worth it. I’d rather just manage them out and replace them with more senior roles. Any advice before I bail on them?

Stressed-Out Boss

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Stressed-Out Boss,

It’s totally normal, no matter who your employees are, to have communication gaps and growing pains when leading a new team and establishing new team roles and norms.

Don’t get too nervous about your new employees; I’m sure they are just as nervous as you are. If you think back to when you started your first corporate job, I’d guess it was nerve-racking for you too! Just try to put yourself in their shoes.

You talk about how your new members become easily frustrated and have a hard time with the pressure of the deadlines they are given. Pressure is a common stressor for all of us, emerging and established professionals alike! Have you tried talking to them about this issue? There is a possibility they don’t know they can go to you with their problems. They may not want to disappoint you by coming to you with these issues, so they just sweep them under the rug in the hope they will be resolved on their own.

If I was in their situation where I felt I was struggling but was too nervous to tell my boss, hearing something like this would have gone a long way: “I notice you are having a tough time keeping up with deadlines lately. Why do you think you might be falling behind? What can I do to help you?”

If I know anything about my own generation, it’s that we are generally aware of our flaws—but we don’t always know how to ask for help so that we can rise above them.

Let’s be honest: nobody likes to hear that they’re doing something wrong, no matter their age. If your team members see you as someone who isn’t there to support them, they won’t open up to you—and this could become an ongoing issue. On the other hand, if your people see you as someone who wants to help them get better, they will be more likely to come to you for help in the future.

In my experience, most young professionals will respond positively once their leader cracks through that shell and listens to their needs. We really are driven by purpose! Gen Z sometimes has a reputation as difficult to manage—but in reality, we just want to make a difference in our workplace and feel that we are being heard.

As someone who works from home, one important factor that I always appreciate being set in place are the expectations my boss has for me. For example, you could try saying something along the lines of: “I would like you to start coming to the office Monday through Wednesday. On Thursdays and Fridays, you can choose whether you want to work from home or the office.” I think by solidifying these expectations you would see the results you are looking for from your team.

The same thing goes for flexible time off, although this one could be a bit trickier. When employees get their work done and demonstrate good time management skills, time off isn’t a bad thing. This situation also would benefit from a good conversation if you feel they are taking too much time off.

All this to say, don’t bail on your new team without at least trying to talk to them. Yes, they may operate in a way you aren’t quite used to yet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good workers! You just need to find what clicks for them when you bring your concerns to their attention.

I hope this advice helps you so that you can feel confident in the future when you get your next round of young professionals in the workplace. I know your new team will appreciate the extra time and attention you are putting in to try and become a better boss for them!

Best of luck!

Jaida the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Jaida Hess, Intern for Blanchard Innovation Lab.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a high performer on my team (HP) who does very good transactional work. They work with speed and most people outside our team like them.

HP has managerial ambition but does not have capabilities to be a manager. We are a small, lean team after two rounds of layoffs, and there is simply no opportunity to promote anyone in the foreseeable future. When the time does come to promote someone, it won’t be an option for HP, as they have squandered every opportunity I have given them so far.

I have been invested in HP’s growth since the beginning. In the past, I’ve given them some dotted-line reporting opportunities for more junior team members, which did not go very well. Several of the junior members on the cross-functional team mentioned that HP bossed them around and was unpleasant.

I had high hopes for this person. Unfortunately, they took my positive encouragement as a promise. I have made the situation clear and have also told them directly that they should use special projects and other growth opportunities to develop their skills. My peers have reported that they experience HP as having a fixed-mindset. HP is never interested in the growth opportunities we have on the team where I could use their help. It seems the only option that will make them happy is a promotion and a raise.

I have tried other methods: encouraging talent mobility, giving unique assignments, investing in leadership training, giving extra attention and recognition, trying to build a deeper relationship, and being vulnerable. But nothing is working!

At one point, HP said “You are dumping this job on me because no one else can do it.” So I picked another team member who successfully completed the project with a great attitude.

I am equally fair with all my direct reports, but when I recognize anyone else, HP gets very jealous. They haven’t given me bad feedback directly, but because we are so small I know that on our last two annual surveys they were the person who gave me the worst scores on my effectiveness as a leader and wrote nasty comments. HP has shown themselves to be selfish in their actions. They show team spirit and alignment outwardly, but behind the scenes they say mean things and disagree with everything. I am finding them becoming more and more unfair, manipulative, and not appreciative of opportunities given to them. 

It wasn’t always like this. Everything changed when it became clear that we don’t have a business need for another manager on our lean senior team. I am trying to keep things in perspective but am deeply hurt.

The first thing I want to do is look inward and see if I can change something or do anything else to revive my relationship with this team member and help them grow in other ways. Could you share two or three growth tips for me as a leader? I am at a loss and would love a word of advice.

Hurt

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hurt,

My first thought is this: if a friend you admire and respect were to put this case to you, what would you say?

I very much appreciate your desire to improve and grow as a leader. Some qualities you seem to have in spades: a growth mindset, an impulse to take personal responsibility, generosity of spirit, and a desire to help others on their journey.

Your High Potential (HP) had a lot of promise and did well at first. This early potential is clouding your vision, making it hard for you to see the current reality that HP’s most recent behavior betrays a rather staggering lack of character: 

• Refusing work assignments that would help you;
• Displaying a fixed mindset (one of the hardest things to help others shift, in my experience);
• Displaying jealousy when others are recognized;
• Essentially not taking advantage of opportunities that you take pains to arrange;
• And, finally, retaliating against you with nasty feedback for circumstances beyond your control.

In short: this person is selfish, small-minded, and nasty.

It sounds like your organization has been through a lot, which curtailed HP’s potential trajectory. People show their true colors when they are under pressure. I am glad for you and your organization that HP’s pettiness was revealed before they got into a position to do some real damage.

We can speculate about what caused HP to fail to rise to their best self, but there is no way to really know. It doesn’t matter in the end. You have given them every opportunity—which, as you say, they have squandered, blaming you for their own failures.

Clearly, you err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and you’re a big believer in second—not to mention third and fourth—chances. Which is to your credit. In this case, however, you are still giving them everything you’ve got while they haven’t been bothered to meet you at all, let alone halfway.

I have only growth tip for you: You must not be more generous with others than you are with yourself. You can be generous, kind, and caring while maintaining a standard for civility and decency.

What should you do about HP? You didn’t ask me that, but I can’t help myself.

Take off your rose-colored glasses and stop taking HP’s behavior personally. I understand why you feel hurt after all your efforts, but this isn’t about you. This person has declined every opportunity to do the right thing and needs to go. The sooner you replace them and eliminate the toxicity they bring to the team, the better. More to the point: the risk you run by letting HP’s antics continue is that you could lose the respect of the rest of your people. Don’t let that happen.

I wish you luck.

With admiration, respect, and, as always, love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional president for a global services company. One of my executive team members recently retired, leaving rather suddenly as the result of an unexpected health issue. We interviewed some candidates to replace him but, ultimately, I took his recommendation to go with the person who had been his chief of staff/second in command.

She interviewed well, outlined her vision and plans, and referred to herself as “strategic” multiple times. She has a lot going for her. But she has been in the role six months now and is just not stepping up the way I had been led to expect. I’m not seeing the strategic capability I need.

I know I’ve been spoiled by having a mature, experienced executive team for a long time. But I find I have little patience when providing detailed direction to someone who I think should not need it at this level. I struggle to explain exactly what she should be doing differently, but I think I’ll know it when I see it.

There are days I want to just call it a bad hire and try again—but I also don’t want to waste more time getting someone from outside the organization up to speed. Part of me feels like I should give her a chance to prove herself.

We are located in South America, so things get slow with vacations, etc. She is out for the next two weeks, and I want to be ready with a plan when she comes back. Any ideas?

Disappointed

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

At the risk of insulting you, “I’ll know it when I see it” is just not good leadership. It is possible your new person won’t have what it takes to succeed, but I can guarantee that if you continue to make her guess what that is, you will both be miserable.

The leap from second in command to executive in charge of an entire business function is notoriously fraught for anyone. Based on my experience coaching clients who have been promoted into executive roles, the biggest shock is that they are expected to make recommendations and decisions. Most people, prior to becoming a senior executive, have spent their entire careers enjoying the luxury of knowing someone else is responsible for making decisions that will be either the right ones or the wrong ones. Mistakes at this level have massive consequences, and to suddenly be the one potentially making them can be terrifying enough to cause paralysis.

In addition, I think it can be especially challenging to join an intact executive team that has been together for years. You all have a shared history, language, and way of operating together that will take a newcomer a while to learn how to navigate.

I have some ideas that will help you be ready for your newbie’s return from holiday and get you both on a promising trajectory.

I agree that bringing someone in from the outside will take more time than getting your new exec where you want her to be. It will solve some issues and present a set of new ones. Either way, there are things you will need to do for a brand-new person and/or your existing person.

1. Integrate the Person into the Executive Team

Work with your HR Business partner to create a new Team Charter that lays out the mission of your executive team, the exact roles of each team member, and the behavioral and communication norms you can all agree to. You had this with your former team: a set of implicit rules you all abided by that probably developed organically over time. It is so subtle you didn’t even realize what you had until it was gone—but if you want to get it back, you will have to be intentional about it.

If you are like most senior leaders you will find this kind of work unbearably tedious, but I promise it will be worth it. It will give everyone on your executive team a chance to reboot and create clarity about what is expected by and of each member of the team. For more detail about that, here is an eBook that may help. This will lay the foundation for the next step.

2. Find a Way to Express Exactly what a Good Job Looks Like

I know you struggle with practicing patience, which I can understand, but putting a little effort into articulating what you need will pay off. It will either provide the clarity your new executive needs to succeed, or it will provide you with the evidence you need to replace her.

To get the kind of detail required, ask yourself some questions:

• What did your former exec do that made him so great?
• What did he not do?
• What are you hoping for that you are not seeing?
• What do you wish your new exec would do more of? Less of? Start doing? Stop doing?
• What needs doing that you take for granted and you think is obvious to everyone?

You have been a senior leader for so long, you and your team have forgotten how you got to be so competent. Consider these strategic management behaviors:

• Articulating and sharing vision and overall objectives
• Formulating goals
• Assessing internal environment and external threats
• Creating action plans to achieve goals
• Planning organizational structures and resource allocation
• Process re-engineering
• Providing direction and support to one’s own team
• Being a role model for organizational values and culture
• Leading change initiatives
• Evaluating results and responding accordingly

Use this to create your own list. What is missing from this list? What is on this list that isn’t important to you? Hopefully, getting to this level of detail will help you identify the exact areas where your new executive is falling behind.

Once you have made it crystal clear to your new team member what you need from her, only then will you know if she will be able to rise to the job. Otherwise, you are expecting her to read your mind, which isn’t clear to begin with. I expect if you hired a new person for this role, you would find yourself with the exact same problem.

After you have done a little bit of re-chartering with your senior team and have made clear what a good job looks like, you will need to bolster your newbie’s confidence. It will take time for her to get her feet under her, to trust what she knows, and to develop the courage of her own convictions. If you have done your part, she will feel more integrated with her new peers and be able to hear and respond to your direction.

I hope, for both of you, that she surprises you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a rapidly growing not-for-profit. I put together a great board, our fundraising efforts paid off, and I have a great team.

In a recent chat, my head of accounting made a crack about needing to wait to share something with me because he wanted to catch me “in the right mood.” I called him and asked him to explain what he meant. He was kind of surprised I called him out on something he expected me not to notice, and was obviously afraid he had offended me. After several attempts, he finally spilled it. What he said really has me thinking.

The bottom line of his message was that I am really moody. No one on the team ever knows what state I will be in. They are always nervous I will be in “one of my moods,” and they know to watch for it and avoid me on those days.

I was shocked and offended, but I knew enough not to take it out on him. The truth is, I am moody. I have always been moody. I am super creative, I have a really high IQ, and it drives me nuts when I have to slow down or explain something more than once. I have very high highs and very low lows. I thought I was managing it so people didn’t notice, and it embarrasses me to admit this when it is so obvious now how wrong I was. I didn’t realize how much of an effect my moodiness has on my team. But now that I really look at it, I can see how it has impacted all of my personal relationships, not just work ones.

I know I need to do something about this. All my online results are trying to convince me that I have a personality disorder and need therapy and/or drugs, but that feels like overkill. I just don’t know what I can do on my own or where to start. I would appreciate your take on this.

Moody

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Moody,

“The hardest thing about being a leader is that you have to behave yourself all day.”

Lee Cockerell, who was the executive vice president of operations for Walt Disney World^® Resort for ten years and who trained over 7000 leaders for Disney, said this when he spoke at one of our company events about a decade ago.

At the time, my husband and I caught each other’s eye across an auditorium of people because we had never heard that truth stated quite so succinctly. And because he was speaking to us.

This statement is true for every leader, but it is more of a challenge for people who are super intense, who think and move quickly, and who have more ideas than they know what to do with.

You have self-awareness, Moody, which is a critical important first step. In addition, you got the memo that your natural tendencies are impacting others in a way that is eroding your effectiveness, which is the important second step. So you can pat yourself on the back and give yourself a little credit.

The next step is to dig deep to find the motivation you need and to practice the self-regulation you need to change your behavior. You may be able to tap into the purpose that drove you to start a not-for-profit in the first place. Another possible angle is to decide once and for all that your job is to serve your people, not to serve yourself and your moods. You are a powerful person, Moody, and you have power as well. It is important to always remember that your job is to use your personal and position power for good.

Finally, you will need to address your moodiness. This is a two-pronged project. You will need to do two things:

1. Figure out what causes your mood swings to see if you can make some changes.
2. Find ways to manage your behavior when you are in the grips of a mood.

These are two different things and the distinction is important. Many people mix the two together, which is what causes confusion.

1. Reducing the wild swings

You can start this one on your own. If you can’t make headway, enlist the help of a professional. Start right now by noticing your mood patterns. What affects your mood? Things to examine:

• Lifestyle: There are so many lifestyle factors that can affect mood: Sleep, caffeine, exercise, meditation/yoga/prayer, diet, proper hydration. It is astonishing the extent to which blood sugar can affect mood, not to mention our ability to moderate our own impulses. So make sure you eat high-quality foods on a regular basis. Also, the effects of using alcohol and other substances can take a toll on mood. I know this is obvious, but what may not be so obvious is that it gets harder for the body to metabolize what are essentially neurotoxins as we age, and sometimes it takes a while for people to register that they can no longer get away with the same stuff they could in their youth.
• Fun: Are you having any? Are you doing enough of the things that bring you joy?
• Tolerations: Take stock of all the seemingly small things you are putting up with, such as: A light bulb in the fridge needs replacing, but you only remember when you open it and can’t find what you are looking for. There’s a re-occurring charge on your credit card for an app or service you thought you’d cancelled. The temperature regulation in your shower is wonky so you either get scalded or shocked, and the next available date the plumber can come is weeks away. None of these things are a big deal in the grand scheme, but boy, when they start to add up, it can really push you over the edge. Tolerations need to get handled by either delegating them or making the time yourself.
• Pay attention to what elicits a radical change in your mood. Once you have a sense of what throws you off, consider what you can change: what can you eliminate or delegate or avoid? How can you change the way you focus your time and attention?

2. Regulating your own behavior despite moods

• Protect yourself and others from your moods. If you are having a bad day, move meetings and do something that doesn’t require you to interact with others—admin work, research, writing, etc.
• If you get seriously triggered, go for a walk around the block and let yourself cool off.
• You can lose your mind and write whatever you want to express how you feel, or record on your phone whatever you want to say to someone you are annoyed with. But you can never send that email, text, or voicemail. JUST DON’T SEND. You can always revise when you feel more reasonable. You will never, ever regret something you didn’t say in the heat of the moment.

The skill to learn that will help you to both even out your moods and manage yourself when your mood goes dark is mindfulness. It is a big buzzword right now, and everyone has a book or class or program to sell you. Don’t let me keep you from educating yourself, but you can start practicing right now by simply noticing—paying attention—to your thoughts and feelings as they occur, with curiosity and without judging. This will build on your initial self-awareness and help you understand your own weather systems better. Keep notes on what you notice, what works, and what doesn’t.

Don’t try to do everything all at once; choose one thing to start with. Start small and don’t give up. If you can’t stick to it alone, this is a perfect thing to work on with a coach.

If you find that you can’t manage your moods with lifestyle changes, eliminating a lot of dumb stuff that sets you off, and finding more joy in your life, find a mental health professional to address underlying issues you may have. Any decent coach will know to refer you to a therapist if that is what is needed.

If not now, when? This isn’t something to leave for later. Your efforts will make a massive difference—to you, the people you work with, and the people you live with. And of course, to the success of your business.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a team that has had a lot of turnover in the last couple of years. Although our company is very big, over time I have learned who to call to get things done. I am now considered our team’s “answer lady.”

The situation has slowly morphed into people asking me to forward their email instead of taking the next step themselves. I now spend time taking care of a lot of tasks that aren’t mine. In addition, my boss has had a lot going on in her personal life, so I frequently fill in for her.

I recently realized a lot of small things have added up to me doing so much more than I think is fair, and I am starting to get annoyed. How do I push back when my co-workers try to fob their work off on me? And how do I tell my boss I can’t fill in as much as she’d like? I have my own personal life to attend to, after all.

Answer Lady 

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Answer Lady,

How do you push back? How do you tell your boss enough is enough?

Directly, clearly, and kindly, but firmly. That’s how.

You are training your co-workers to believe you will take care of things they don’t know how (or want) to do. You are training your boss to believe you can do your job and hers, too. So cut it out.

I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you—I’m not. This happens to most people whose first impulse is to be helpful until they realize they have created a problem for themselves. The problem is if you send the message that it is okay for someone to do something, they will keep doing it for as long as you allow it. So you must stop allowing it.

This might be uncomfortable and challenging at first because you have to set new expectations and retrain people, which will be inconvenient for them. You may even find that some folks get upset—but remember, the only people who get upset with you for setting boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them. If you shy away from conflict, which I suspect is the case, this will certainly be unpleasant. But a moment of unpleasantness in exchange for not being annoyed all the time is worth it.

Next time a co-worker assumes you will take the next steps, clearly state who they should speak with and ask them to let you know how things work out. Do not volunteer to take over, forward an email, or get involved. Just stop taking on other people’s work.

As for your boss, I think it is fair for you to have a conversation with her. You can share that you wanted to help out because you know she has been having a rough time, but your workload is becoming unmanageable. Be prepared with a list of what you think makes sense for you to continue to do on her behalf until things settle down for her, and a list of activities you feel are way beyond your job scope.

This is, of course, unless you want to ask for a promotion and a raise. If you think it makes sense, you can certainly prepare to do that. You might want to rehearse with a friend how to frame your request so that you have a clean, concise approach. Something along the lines of “I understand you need coverage, and I wonder if it would make sense for you to deputize me for the duration? It might mean changing my title and possibly a bump in pay.” Avoid complaining. Instead, point out the reality and share some proposed solutions. Be kind but clear. The more you can keep feelings and emotions out of it, the easier the conversation will be for both of you.

The beauty of putting some time into practicing setting boundaries is that people often will sense the shift in you and stop asking you to do things they shouldn’t ask you to do. I am not quite sure how this happens, but I have experienced it myself and seen it happen for countless clients. But it doesn’t always. You still need to be ready to draw a line in the sand.

Start today. Stand up for yourself before you get so annoyed you say something you regret. It’s much better to strike while the iron is cold and say what needs to be said before you get heated up.

There is helping out in a pinch, and then there is letting people take advantage of you—which will continue to happen until you put up the hand.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of mostly young people, all of whom manage internal communications for a global manufacturing company. A few years ago the company went to an unlimited paid time off policy. I have read a lot about the effects of unlimited PTO, and note that the biggest risk is that people don’t take enough time off, whereas in the past they were required to take their PTO or risk losing it.

My general approach has been that if your work is done to the expected standard, taking PTO is fine. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone would take off more days than what I consider to be reasonable unless they had medical issues or were taking care of a family member. It also never occurred to me that my idea of reasonable is not necessarily what others may interpret as reasonable.

My problem is that I have one person who takes entirely too much time off. And it isn’t to deal with problems—she is off larking about with her friends. (Note: this is not my opinion; she shares openly.)

Her performance is excellent, so I can’t really make the case that she shouldn’t take PTO—except other team members are noticing and judging. She often is not available to discuss work assignments or to help others on the team when they need something from her.

I think she would be eminently promotable if it weren’t for the fact that she never seems to be around. How do I tell her that it just isn’t a good look? Her overuse of PTO is causing me, and others, to question her commitment to the job. Do you think that is fair?

Questioning Judgment

___________________________________________________

Dear Questioning Judgment,

Boy, isn’t this interesting? It highlights what happens when rules are open to interpretation and when we make assumptions.

My first thought is if Larking About can get her work done with plenty of time left over, she could be doing so much more if she buckled down and put some elbow grease into it. But I suspect that would be interpreted as old-school thinking. And we all know that the reward for excellent work is—more work.  This is how we have collectively created the hamster wheel we all perpetually bemoan. So my second thought is wow, Larking About might be on to something. My third thought, based on my experience that you never know what hard thing is coming at you, is that we should all save up as much goodwill as we can regarding PTO for when we really need it.

But seriously, as her manager, it is up to you to help LA understand the impact of her choices on her career, as well as the impression her choices are having on both her reputation and her options when it comes to optimal work assignments and advancement opportunities.

I imagine your employee handbook has some guidelines about how people should use “unlimited” paid time off. For example, my own company requires that all team members submit their time-off requests in advance to their manager for approval, collaborate with their team to ensure proper coverage, and limit their consecutive out-of-office days to no more than 15 at a time. It might be useful to find the handbook and see what is laid out in black and white that might support you when the time comes for a conversation.

Because that is where this is leading. A conversation. The first order of business is to find out what LA’s hopes and dreams are when it comes to her career. She may not think of her work as a career; she may simply think of it as a job. If that is the case, other than making sure she complies with whatever rules do exist, there may not be much you can do. LA may be just fine having a job and doing it well. No harm in that.

However, if LA does want a career, which would mean development projects and advancement, she needs to know how the intangibles—what I think of as “personal public relations”—are going to affect her future.

You can keep personal judgment out of it and simply share that perception is important and taking excessive PTO can create an impression of a lack of commitment to work. When it comes to advancement, it’s a fact that HR and leadership teams tend to favor those employees who exceed expectations over those who simply meet expectations. So if LA has ambitions to advance, she might consider taking on volunteer roles or more work for the team, which would limit her PTO and bring it in line with expectations. This, of course, would require you to define what you believe to be reasonable. I suspect what is reasonable in your mind is roughly the amount of vacation time that employees were afforded before you went to the new model. If your company does not provide guidelines, you might find some in this article: Paid Time Off Practices Around the World.

Do I think it is fair that LA’s behavior is causing others to question her commitment? It doesn’t matter what I think. That’s what is happening, fair or not. Perception is everything, and LA needs to understand that. Once she recognizes the impact of her choices (with your help), she can decide to change them. Or not. And she will reap the consequences of those choices.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a marketing director for a medical devices company. I manage all our social media and speaking engagements, which involves a lot of details and spreadsheets with tasks and tracking results. Part of my job is to conduct interviews with experts and write them up for our website, and to write articles that make the latest research accessible and engaging to our audience of doctors and nurse practioners, as well as the patients who (hopefully) need what we make.

My problem is that I block out time to write, and it always seems to get overridden by crises of the day, emergency team meetings, the limited time of the doctors I need to interview—you name it. Something always seems to get in the way. Am I just making excuses? I have tried blocking time on weekends, which works, but then I feel resentful that I am sacrificing my very limited personal time. I am behind on my writing commitments and can never seem to get caught up. I haven’t been dinged on my performance (yet), but that is only because my manager has also done a lot of writing and is sympathetic.

How does anyone manage a huge job and focus on writing projects? I worry that I have become a professional procrastinator. Any ideas here?

In Procrastinating Hell

__________________________________________________________

Dear In Procrastinating Hell,

Oh, do I ever have some ideas—because I have lived in that hell for a very long time, and so has every writer I know. Anyone whose job involves writing has to make their peace with how they make time for it. Even successful novelists have to spend part of their workdays managing administration, requests for manuscript reviews and quotes, editing finished work, etc.

I wish I had a magic wand for you, but there isn’t one. The only way, which you clearly know, is to block time. The thing you haven’t figured out is how to protect that time as if your life depends on it. I am going to share an idea that you are not going to like. I didn’t like it when I first stumbled over it (in a blog about how hard it is to get writing done as part of a full-time job that involves a million other tasks), and I still don’t.

But I can guarantee that it works.

I call it the early bird method. I deploy it when I have a critical writing deadline that I am not making progress with. Here it is:

Set the alarm for 5 AM. Do not hit snooze. Get your coffee or matcha, be at your desk at 5:15, and write from 5:15 to 6:15 AM. <Groan>

You resent giving up your personal time, which is fair, so if you want to try this, you might be able to make the case with your sympathetic manager to end your workday an hour earlier. The beauty of the early bird method is how unlikely it is that anyone will try to schedule over that time frame.

You might hate that idea so much it is an automatic no for you. You might be such a night owl that it is simply not in the cards. In that case, consider writing from 8 PM to 9 PM four nights a week. Hate that just as much? Your allergic reaction (if you are having one) to both options may provide the grit you need to aggressively guard your writing time on your regular workday calendar. If the word aggressive seems too strong, well, that might be part of the issue. It takes nerves of steel to protect your own time to focus on what is important. It is a sign of taking ownership.

Might I submit that one of the reasons you are susceptible to being pushed off course by the myriad crises du jour is that you are terrified of what I think of as the “tyranny of the blinking cursor.” This makes you normal. Writing is scary. Writing is hard. And writing, like anything else worth mastering, seems to just get harder because the better you get at it, the more you realize how much better you could be. Writing requires 100% of your focus. There is zero possibility of multi-tasking, and every interruption takes a minimum of five precious minutes of recovery.

Let’s talk about procrastination. There is compelling research from Dr. Sirois, a professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield, that proposes when we procrastinate it isn’t because we are lazy, it is because we seek to avoid negative moods around a task. So, think about it. You feel pressured (because who doesn’t?), worried about job security, nervous about your writing ability and God only knows what else. So what is needed to overcome the tendency to put off what is hard is self-compassion. Take a little walk and admit to yourself all the unpleasant emotions you have connected to writing and talk yourself off the ledge by acknowledging them, reminding yourself that all those emotions are normal, totally okay, and nobody dies trying to get writing assignments done. The upshot is that you must get better at being kind to yourself. Becoming a dependable writer is a bit of a spiritual development program, too! Unexpected bonus! The unpleasant feelings are real. One writer I work with recently admitted that the blank page gets her into such a state she sometimes takes a Xanax when she must start something brand new. I submit that idea might not be sustainable but, in a pinch, hey, I’m not judging. The point is that you must find a way to calm yourself down; intense exercise, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, singing along with Broadway shows at the top of your lungs, putting on Uptown Funk and dancing like a lunatic. Whatever it takes.

Finally, there are some little things you can do to help yourself before you sit down to write:

1. Capture ideas as you go about in meeting mode, all the stuff you do that might accommodate multi-tasking. Keep your notes app open or keep a legal pad at your side and create mind maps for each writing project as you lead up to butt-in-seat writing time. Entire outlines can come to you in the car or in the shower—don’t let those go to waste!

2. Interview yourself out loud while recording yourself on your phone. Pretend you are the interviewer who asks questions like:

• What is the big idea for the piece?
• What makes it important?
• Who needs to know this big idea?
• How would you explain it to a six-year-old?
• What is most surprising about this idea?
• What evidence can you share that supports this big idea?
• Is there a story you can share that will help others relate to it or apply it?

3. Some writers I have worked with have had some success creating small rituals to get them into writing mode; e.g., cleaning off the desk, getting tea, lighting a candle, counting your breaths. Whatever works to get you settled down and into the zone.

4. Find a dedicated writing spot. I worked with one manager who had an open-door policy and could not bring himself to turn down anyone who needed his help, so he ended up escaping to the back stairwell of his office building when he needed to write. The sheer physical discomfort helped him get the job done in record time! Some people find it much easier to focus when the silence isn’t deafening, when they must use part of their brain to tune out ambient noise. You can find them all at your local Starbucks.

5. Go for a walk. All the research shows that getting outside and walking literally doubles our creativity. It is rare to see such a startlingly clear effect in scientific research. So if all else fails, go out for a walk, take your phone (on DND), and record your genius.

Ultimately, however, there is no getting around the unpleasant fact that you must schedule and defend writing time. If you are succumbing to pressure to relinquish it, it might be due to your own unwillingness to face unpleasant emotions. Tell yourself the truth and forgive yourself. Get up early, work late at night, resort to weekends—if you can’t get it done during the regular workday, it is up to you.

Every single person who writes knows how hard it is. Experiment with some of these ideas, and, most importantly, don’t give up.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I read your last blog Not Sure How to Address Burnout? with interest. I work in consulting with one of the big five consulting firms. We hire go-getters and work them hard. The competition is fierce and only the most driven get promoted. The rewards are, shall I say, significant—but I won’t lie, the workload is intense. We never pretend otherwise.

We hire kids straight out of the best business schools because we know they’re the brightest and are used to brutally hard work. Yet, in the last few years, I have noticed a lot more complaining about workload. There seems to be an expectation among our newbies that they should get to have lives outside of work. WTH?

Frankly, that just isn’t the way it works. I keep referring them back to what was shared with them before they signed on:  There is quite literally—I mean, in writing—the expectation set that, at least for the first couple of years with us, people should expect to not be able to do much other than work. I don’t know how we could be more explicit.

I find this very tiresome. What happened to paying your dues? What happened to sucking it up and devoting oneself to high performance? What happened to dedication? I know I should be more empathetic, but when I try to empathize I always go back to feeling resentful. The voice in my head says, “Well, I worked like a dog for umpteen years, I figured it out, I never whined like a big baby, which is why I make the big bucks and get to boss your sorry ass around.” I know that attitude is not getting me anywhere, but I am not sure what to do with it.

Any insight around this?

Exasperated

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Exasperated,

If you found my blog, you must have an interest in leadership—which is good, because ultimately it is your job to figure out how to lead these young people. Your long-term success and the continuation of the big bucks, as you say, depends on it.

At the risk of offending you, may I point out that you sound like every boomer and Gen Xer who complains about millennials and Gen Zers? To be fair, you sound like every member of every generation who has reached middle age and complains about “kids nowadays.” You probably have trouble getting your head around their music, their fashions, and the way they use social media. And I can just hear you rant on the topic of gender politics. But that’s okay. It is only human.

Let’s take a look at your industry. Like high finance, medicine, and the law, many people were attracted to your kind of work back in the day because of the promise of status, money, and material success. Most of the millennials I know today are attracted to professions that are likely to afford them some stability and a shot at achieving or sustaining what you and I once thought of as middle class, let alone the opportunity to build generational wealth. The specter of student loans is big, dark, and chilling. That is how radically the world has changed.

The generations you now manage are also much more interested in meaningful work, personal fulfillment, and life/work balance, possibly because they witnessed their parents work like dogs and take very little pleasure in life. Just to provide some clarity about what younger people today don’t want, envision someone watching their dad devote thirty-five years to paying down the mortgage and trying to put something away for the kids’ college tuition only to see him drop dead a week after retiring. It’s a bracing cautionary experience.

These generations have also grown up with constant one-upmanship and unrealistic expectations set by the fairytale lives they see on social media. By the time they arrive on your doorstep, they’ve been under absurd amounts of pressure since middle school. If you are exasperated by their behavior, imagine what it must feel like to them to be judged and found wanting at every turn.

You say they are complaining. To whom, I wonder? About what? Did you never complain when you were in their shoes? I’ll bet you did. And I’ll bet that if your superiors heard about it, they ignored it. It is a normal thing to do, it is a way of letting off steam, and in no way does it indicate burnout. Complaining vociferously about how hard you work is a time-honored form of boasting—what the kids call “humble bragging.” If you are actually worried about burnout, watch for symptoms such as a radical reduction in productivity in someone who was once a star performer, unusual amounts of absenteeism, or an uncharacteristic lack of civility.

I appreciate your attempt to be empathetic. That is a great impulse. You are right that the voice in your head (which made me laugh btw, thanks for that) isn’t helping you. But if you think people can’t hear that voice, you are dead wrong. They hear it loud and clear, and it is eroding their trust in you. I encourage you to find another talk track for the voice. Perhaps a curious voice; one that asks “What might be motivating to this person? What are they looking for that they aren’t getting?”

Seek to understand what your people are really saying. Ask questions like:

• Can you tell me more to help me understand what is really going on right now?
• What exactly would you want to be different?
• What would work better for you if we could make changes?
• What does it mean to have a life? How is that different from what you have now?
• What is missing that would make a big difference to your quality of life at work?
• What strengths do you bring to the table that you might be underutilizing?
• What else do you want me to know?

Listen for what is real. There is a good chance you will find it much easier to empathize. It is entirely possible that, like most young people, your employees are perfectly happy to work incredibly hard as long as they have the flexibility to do the other things that are important to them. It is possible that just being asked the question and having a chance to talk out the answers will be all they need to go back out there and crush it.

One thing every person from every generation has in common is that no one wants to be judged. Chris Argyris, a Harvard professor and an influential authority on organizational behavior, said in the 90s that the secret to the success of the big five consulting firms—including yours, presumably—was that they identified and hired “insecure overachievers.” (I can’t find the exact quote, so it might be an apocryphal anecdote I heard from someone who worked at Boston Consulting Group.) You’ll know if that was true when you were a newbie, and if it is still true now. The reason it matters is that there is a fine line between harnessing anxiety and fear of failure to drive successful behaviors and letting it reduce you to a quivering mess. If it is still true, your job is to help your people walk that fine line to ensure their own success and, therefore, your own.

Your job as a leader is to influence your people; to help them connect to the meaning of what they are engaged in and what matters most to them. If they are in it for the money, that is an easy motivator. But many of your people may be driven by other things. Find out what they are and have conversations in which you brainstorm how to connect the work with what drives them. Listening without blame or judgment will send the signal that you care. Wait till you see how people perform when they think their manager actually cares about them. You may see a radical turnaround. Ask yourself the question “What do these kids bring that we didn’t have, and how can we leverage that?”

If you resent that nobody ever cared about you, and you had to soldier through with horrible bosses, well, okay, I am very sorry about that. But isn’t that all the more reason not to inflict those experiences on anyone else?

So suck it up, Exasperated. Cut out the judgment, get curious, and see what there is to learn in all of this. There is a good chance you could become an expert at this approach and even influence others in your company. Wouldn’t that be something?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in fashion manufacturing. I was promoted about six months ago. I manage the supply chain, timelines for delivery of goods, etc. I have a huge team and work all hours because I am in western Europe and my teams are in China, Mexico, and Vietnam.

When I took the job, things were a bit of a mess, and I am very pleased to have turned things around. I instituted new software and updated processes. We have worked through the kinks and things are humming along nicely.

My boss seems pleased with my work but told me the executive team is seeking more innovation in my area.

I have asked for more detail because I am stumped. I thought the place for innovation was in the design of the product, not in the execution required to get it to market. Taking the job felt like a big risk for me, and I am more confident now that I have had success. But my sense is that innovating requires taking risks—and there is no tolerance for errors that might impede our ability to deliver on orders.

I have zero confidence in my ability to innovate in this job. My boss is not offering any insight into what “more innovation” might mean for my group. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions.

Any ideas?

Zero Ideas

_________________________________________________________

Dear Zero Ideas,

You might be suffering from a language dilemma—because the crazy thing, ZI, is that it sounds like what you just did was innovate, and in a big way. You see yourself as someone who spots what isn’t working and does what needs to be done to make it work. A problem solver, perhaps. It probably didn’t occur to you that everything you did to fix the mess (trying new ways and working through the kinks) was, technically, innovating.

I would submit that the executive team sees you as an innovator because of what you just accomplished, and they are asking for more. So just for a moment, at least for the time you spend reading this, can you accept that you are already an innovator? It is a shift in your mindset that may require suspension of disbelief, but may be worth trying on.

Britney Cole, our vice president of innovation, has a lot of wisdom on this topic (you can read her most recent article here). She says the first step to innovation is to define it. Her definition: “Innovation is the discipline of applying ideas that solve problems in new ways to create value.”

Can’t you see yourself in that definition?

Another of Britney’s insights is that to be successful, innovation efforts need to have two specific things in place:

1. A person who is dedicated to continual improvement (you).
2. An innovation-friendly company culture.

As you seek to develop yourself as an innovator, you can rely on your natural talent for identifying problems and finding the best solutions. You can build on that talent by asking yourself these questions:

• What is working brilliantly (that might be applied elsewhere)?
• What pain points still exist in our business (that could stand improvement)?
• What new ideas have surfaced that might benefit from further inquiry (that perhaps we have discounted in the interest of efficiency)?

I suspect ideas will begin to pop immediately. For more guidance on what to keep in mind as you go, here is another article from Britney.

An additional suggestion, which I learned directly from Britney, is to apply the design thinking “How might we” approach to solving problems or making improvements. (Please forgive my total ignorance of your business, but I am going to make up a few examples based on your letter):

• Now that things are working well, how might we leverage technology to make them even more efficient?
• How might we minimize confusion caused by working across multiple time zones?
• How might we scale so that our business can grow more quickly?

It’s possible your organization may not be that friendly to innovation, so you may have to be a trailblazer to shift your culture. This might even be what the executive team is asking for. When senior leaders in companies want more innovation but have no idea how their culture actually discourages it, they tend to identify individual innovators and hope that they can help. It is a classic example of how lack of clarity at the top of an organization can show up; it is a bit of an “I’ll know it when I see it” attitude that is, frankly, irresponsible—especially since a culture of fear already exists that you will need to work against.

Here is an e-book about The Factors That Encourage and That Discourage Innovation in Organizations. This may help you identify the potential obstacles you could face from a systems standpoint as you seek to experiment.

It is totally fair that you require more detail, and you are probably right that asking more questions may help you get what you need. Your instinct to ask questions is right on the money. The key is to keep asking until you get the insight you need.

Here are some ideas. If none of these is quite right, I hope at least they will spark others that feel more useful.

• What will the executive team see or have if I innovate more?
• What results would make a difference to the organization?
• What is making the executive team most nervous about our business/ the marketplace/ the economy?
• What problems does the executive team see that innovation would solve?
• What is most important to the executive team, and is maybe not being addressed?
• Are there things our competitors are doing that we need to be doing?

And finally:

• If we rely on the above definition of innovation, how might our business add or create new value that would excite the executive team?

Your first step, ZI, is to shift your self-concept. That alone will increase your confidence. Continue to do the things you are good at: spotting problems and solving them. Keep asking questions. Go slow. Build plans and get feedback. Get buy-in every step of the way.

I suspect you will surprise yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager and have managed people for decades. I am a student of leadership and work every day to be a better leader. Here is something I am having trouble putting into words, but I hope you have some inspiration for me.

I make a big effort to help my people develop their skills so they can achieve their career goals. I put a lot of time in, most of it listening and offering guidance. Many of my team members have gone on to great things, both in my own company and elsewhere. But just as many, if not more, have not. It is frustrating to see so much potential wasted. Everyone has their reasons for not taking advantage of the opportunities in front of them. Sometimes I know what the reasons are, sometimes I don’t.

It didn’t dawn on me until recently, as I watched a brilliant and gifted young person self-sabotage despite my best efforts, that I am tired of being disappointed. It is making me second guess the value of the investments I make in people. I wonder if I should bother.

Appreciate any thoughts you have.

Disappointed

_______________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

Well, you did a good enough job of putting your thoughts into words to make my heart ache. I have heard this kind of vague sadness from others, and have felt it myself, but I think you hit the nail on the head. This is one of the reasons managing people is hard. And the more you care, the harder it is.

Disappointment literally makes our brains hurt. The research reveals that disappointment produces a significant chemical response in the brain that makes us feel terrible. The brain stops releasing dopamine and serotonin suddenly and the result feels intense. The higher the expectation—and thus the extent of the disappointment—the more dramatic the yuck. You are not imagining it.

It kind of makes you want to tell people when they first start working with you, “Look kid, I am going to give you all I’ve got, so don’t disappoint me, okay?” But you won’t. And you shouldn’t, because it wouldn’t work. Why? Because it is your own expectations that are setting you up for the letdown.

There is no blame or shame in having expectations, but if they continue to cause you so much pain, you might think about finding ways to temper them. Some ways to temper your expectations:

• Gain clarity. Spell out for yourself what your expectations are. Perhaps have conversations with your people in which you find out what their own expectations of themselves are. There may be gaps in both your and their expectations that will help you to modify your outlook.
• Ponder a distinction. There is a difference between having a big hopeful vision for someone else and expecting something of them. Sharing a big hopeful vision—what you see as possible for someone—can be a huge gift. It can shift how someone sees themselves in a transformational way. But it is simply a gift, given with no expectation or pressure. If someone requires pressure to achieve what is possible for them, that needs to come from within.
• Work on your attachment. It might help you to reframe your call to go the extra mile for your people as a mitzvah. Mitzvah is a Hebrew word that means “good deed” or acts of empathy and kindness. Right now it seems you are expecting something in return for your generosity—which, don’t get me wrong, is totally normal. It just isn’t making you happy. Take something Nelson Mandela said as a guide: “There is no greater gift than that of giving one’s time and energy to others without expecting anything in return.”
• Remember that everyone has choice. Ultimately, no matter how valuable the gift of your time and attention, every person on whom you bestow your gift is going to choose what they do with it. In the end, it is completely out of your hands and out of your control. You are letting yourself get really upset about things that are entirely uncontrollable. You, too, have a choice.

Your conundrum reminds of a wonderful poem, “On Children,” from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. I know you are not a parent, but many see the parallels between managing and parenting. I hope this excerpt might resonate for you:

“You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

This may provide the perspective you need to sustain your kindness. Your other option is for you to just give up and decide to not bother anymore. That would be cynical and it sounds like you are no cynic.

So take pleasure in the wins, but remember they are really other people’s wins. You may mourn the losses as well, briefly, but remember that they also belong to others.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I will take this opportunity to encourage anyone who reads this and is reminded of a manager who made a big difference in their life to reach out and say thanks. Just a brief note on LinkedIn would do the trick—or, of course, a handwritten note is always welcome if you have the address. I know—so retro.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team in a big company. Here is my problem. I start my day at 7 a.m. with a meeting, and then my entire day is back-to-back meetings. Almost every meeting generates work for me to do or to delegate to someone on my team—which requires another meeting.

When am I supposed to get all my work done? After ten hours of meetings, I feel like that’s when my real workday starts. But by then, I’m fried.

Thoughts?

Meeting-ed Out

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Meeting-ed Out,

This is a perennial problem for almost everyone. Unfortunately, substantially changing anything will probably require a shift in company culture. There has been so much written on this topic. You might think about collecting the facts and presenting them to HR to see if you can garner support for changing the collective habits in your company. If you are suffering, everyone else probably is, too.

But hey, trying to shift culture will result in—more meetings. Just what you don’t want or need. So what could you do short of that?

Some of what is required in your situation is a shift in mindset. Right now you are accepting any and all meetings. You might need to harness your courage and take control of your time. No one can do that for you. Here are some ideas that might work for you:

• Review your meetings and take a hard look at which ones are yours or your team’s. Those are the ones you have the most control over. Challenge yourself to see if any of them can be consolidated, shortened, or moved to bi-weekly.
• At the very least, you and your team could agree to implement “no-meeting Fridays.” We have implemented this in our organization, and it has made all the difference.
• Another thing you can do with your team is to make all meetings 30 minutes. It’s very easy to fill time, but there’s no law that says meetings need to last an hour.
• Patrick Lencioni wrote a great book called Death by Meeting. In it, he says there are four kinds of meetings: Daily check-in meetings, which should last 10 minutes max. Weekly tactical meetings: 45 to 90 minutes, max. Monthly strategic meetings: 2 to 4 hours. Quarterly off-site reviews: 1 to 2 days.

I’m not saying these rules are the only ones to follow, but at least Lencioni provides a framework that can show how some meetings are not necessary or could be better run.

• Look hard at all the meetings you are in. Do you really need to be in all of them? Can you send someone else on your team? If you are delegating, is it possible that the person you are delegating to should be in the meeting instead of you? If so, make sure they send you the bullet points about any decisions made in the meeting or actions to be taken as a result of the meeting. If you’re worried about perception of others, or being judged, share your reasons. You might start a trend.
• Request that any meeting you are invited to have an agenda sent out in advance. If there’s nothing on the agenda that requires your input, decline—and request that you be sent a transcript of the meeting.
• Block off focused work time on your calendar, and don’t accept meetings that are scheduled over that time period. You don’t have to explain to anyone (except your boss or their boss) why you aren’t available. If people really need you in a meeting, they will find a time that works for you. (Note: This may require some re-training of people who have become used to your being available all the time.)
• Finally, challenge yourself to use technology. Zoom now has a feature that can transcribe meetings. Almost all companies have technology you can use to have a quick chat, delegate tasks, etc. Not everything has to be a meeting.

This situation probably crept up on you over time. And it will take some time to unwind it. Be bold, be fierce, and be relentless, so you can get your brain and your life back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I just read one of your past columns entitled Latest Team Member Causing Chaos? I recognized the person as what I call HOF—“Hair On Fire”—and we have someone like that at our company. I have been working here for 35 years. I now work directly with HOF herself, and I’ve begun looking for a new job. Your post resonated with me so much. I was stressed out last year and now again. She even pushed me into the hospital once.

I’m a scheduler, and HOF basically makes schedule changes for her benefit. Whatever suits her. Everything you mentioned is exactly how she behaves. I’m trying to think of anything I can do other than just saying “sure, no problem.” I just give her whatever she wants. That’s what everyone on the team does so they don’t have to deal with her ridiculousness. When HOF is away, things are quiet, organized, and well run, so we all know who the instigator is. The whole team agrees she is a psycho.

I really need some advice! HOF is making me crazy.

Firefighter

________________________________________________________

Dear Firefighter,

I’m sorry the stress caused by this person is making you ill. You aren’t the first to have to contend with an HOF (what I call a “crazymaker”), and you won’t be the last.

Julia Cameron, in her wonderful book The Artist’s Way, coined the term crazymaker. She defined the characteristics beautifully in one of her own blogs here.

I once ran a high performing team that was almost destroyed by a crazymaker. When I checked in with her leader, I found out she was wreaking havoc everywhere in the company. So I was lucky—she was let go, and we were all able to get on with our work.

I see two potential focus areas for you:

1. Find a way to let HOF’s behavior roll off your back and learn how to manage your own stress more effectively.
2. Find a way to band together your whole team to revolt and stop HOF from getting away with acting like a psycho.

Learning how to manage stress is a lifelong pursuit. It will probably serve you well regardless of what happens with HOF. I am not an expert on the topic, but there are countless resources available to you. Just ask Google.

The usual stress-reduction advice includes breathing techniques that stop the flow of adrenaline and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (this works—I know). Other typical suggestions are: getting exercise (especially outdoors if possible); hanging out with pets;, meditation; a mindfulness practice; prayer; getting proper sleep; working with a therapist; and, as a last resort, medication. Pick one or two to try, adopt the one that feels like it helps and, well, do it. If anything will help you avoid another trip to the hospital, it is worth committing to.

Also, as it happens, stress reduction methods include developing the ability to set appropriate boundaries with people and say no to inappropriate requests. It sounds like you and everyone else on your team of schedulers could use some help with that—unless, of course, you have somehow received a message from above that HOF must be accommodated at all costs. For more detail on setting boundaries, you can find a post on that here.

Sometimes a crazymaker is so successful at bringing in business, closing deals, retaining high-paying clients, and getting referrals, it’s clear that everyone should do everything they can to accommodate the person. This is often a tremendous source of frustration for those who support rock stars. However, I will also note that such stars often run out of goodwill and end up being only as good as their last deal. They have no friends to get them through the dry spells, and it rarely ends well.

Which brings us to your second avenue for action. My questions are:

• Where is your boss in all of this? Is anyone in management aware of the problem, and do they have the power, influence, or skills to escalate it to someone who can do something about it?
• How does HOF have so much power over a whole group? Is it real power or simply perceived?
• Is there a chance the whole team of schedulers might collectively refuse to work with HOF if she doesn’t comply with the norms everyone else seems to be able to live with?
• HOF is either aware and doesn’t care, or simply unaware. Can you tell which it is? If it turns out she is unaware, is it possible she might change her behavior if someone were to make her aware?

If, in your assessment, HOF is aware and doesn’t care, but adds so much value to the organization that no one is willing to call her on her misbehavior, finding a new job is probably your best bet.

Here is the thing. It is ultimately up to you to set appropriate boundaries. If you can convince your teammates to do the same thing, it might just work. Of course, I don’t know the details of your work, but it could sound something like this:

• “Your request to move those four appointments is going to cause chaos in the schedule. I understand you need to ask us to do it in this instance, but please try to avoid these kinds of shifts in the future.”
• “This request is not appropriate. It will cause a domino effect we can’t control. You will need to get my supervisor’s permission for that.”
• “We booked those appointments because your calendar was open. In the future, please keep in mind that if your calendar isn’t up to date, we won’t feel confident booking you and your bookings will decline.”

If you get better at setting boundaries, HOF’s next move will be to find someone else on the team who isn’t as good, and she will abuse that person until they quit or get sick. Or, ideally, they’ll follow your example and push back with kindness and respect.

Remember, the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them.

One universal law to be aware of: if you don’t build your own skill for setting boundaries in your current situation, you will undoubtedly run into a different version of this problem in your next job.

So in the spirit of “nothing left to lose,” I suggest you try to:

1. Learn and commit to at least one stress-reduction technique.
2. Get help from above.
3. Agree as a team to just say no to the crazy.
4. Practice respectfully setting reasonable boundaries.

Crazymakers get away with their shenanigans because people let them. You can always hope and pray that they change (they won’t) or that you’ll never run into another one again (you will). Your life will be vastly improved if you learn to stand up for yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

The year 2023 will be remembered as a time of high managerial expectations from an in-demand workforce. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. Here is a list of this year’s top five most viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 6 with a new year of questions (possibly yours?) from well-meaning managers.

Trying to Stop Interrupting Others? Ask Madeleine

A reader asks Madeleine for help with a common problem in today’s fast-paced world—how to stop interrupting people. Madeleine shares four triggers that might be causing the problem, along with strategies for improvement. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/trying-to-stop-interrupting-others-ask-madeleine 

Not Sure How to Exceed Expectations with Your Boss? Ask Madeleine

A reader shares that in their last performance review they were asked to “find new ways to add value to the organization.”  The reader asks Madeleine for help decoding what that means—and how to address it. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-how-to-exceed-expectations-with-your-boss-ask-madeleine

Just Promoted—and Drowning? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine helps a recently promoted manager who is struggling with the demands of their new high-profile job. Madeleine shares that half the battle of being a senior leader is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/just-promoted-and-drowning-ask-madeleine

Does Every Hire Need to Be a Rock Star? Ask Madeleine

A reader raises an interesting question about hiring for a position that requires someone to simply keep their head down and get the job done. Their boss is advocating for a young, ambitious candidate. The reader believes it makes more sense to hire someone who will not be disappointed with the lack of a career path. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/does-every-hire-need-to-be-a-rock-star-ask-madeleine 

Want to Be a Better Mentor? Ask Madeleine

In the most read column of the year, a reader asks Madeleine for advice on how to be a great mentor.  Madeleine shares a roadmap and strategies for the mentor-mentee relationship, and how mentors can know at the end that they have done a good job. https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/want-to-be-a-better-mentor-ask-madeleine

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Best wishes for the New Year!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a call center that delivers customer service for highly technical products. I have been a supervisor for about six months. I have a great manager and a great team.

My problem is that I overcommit. I work much longer hours than I should. Everything I have read on the topic of managing tasks and time suggests I need to get better at saying no.

I am confused, because I have been told that one of the reasons I was promoted was because I am so helpful, jump in to fix things, and generally go the extra mile. I see it as a success strategy. I watch as some of my peers duck responsibility—one of them actually has acquired the nickname “Teflon” because nothing ever seems to end up on his desk. I don’t want that to be me.

How do I know when the extra mile is one mile too many? How do I know what to say no to?

Overcommitted

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Overcommitted,

I would bet that your manager is grateful for you. You make some excellent points—going above and beyond is indeed one of the habits that can ensure job security and career growth.

“Teflon’s” reputation is a cautionary tale you have taken to heart. At some point you will hit the wall and have to draw a line. You are clearly close enough to reaching your limit to be asking these very good questions.

You say your problem is that you overcommit. What does that mean? Do you take on work that should really be done by others? Do you end up doing things that aren’t your job, or that you aren’t good at, or that you hate? Is it that you are helping others, or is it that the task is critical and there isn’t anyone else to do it? Or is it really because you don’t know how to say no?

These distinctions are critical because if you are, in fact, being used by others, that cannot stand. Slackers have radar for people who will bail them out—so you must be clear about the criteria you use to decide whether you will cheerfully pitch in. If you do need to decline, you can practice simply saying that you have other plans or you are not available. If you are allowing others to take advantage of you, you will eventually come to resent it. You can try on a few ways to say no by practicing these statements out loud:

• I’ve made other plans; I’m so sorry I can’t help you out this time.
• I’m currently focused on completing a report and can’t commit to anything else right now.
• I think _______ (someone else) might be better qualified to assist you with that.
• I’m not available right now; I’m sorry I can’t help with that.
• I wish I could help, but unfortunately, my current workload doesn’t allow for additional tasks outside my responsibilities.

Getting comfortable with and being ready to decline something that isn’t your job (especially if it doesn’t sound like fun) will make it easier for you go the extra mile in ways that make sense.

When trying to make up your mind about what to say no to, it might be helpful to consider the criteria for what you say yes to. These include but are not limited to:

• Helping someone who is having a rough day, especially if you know they would do the same for you.
• Doing tasks that are interesting, that you will learn something from, or that are fun and easy for you.
• Jumping in to assist when it looks like your boss will end up holding the bag, and she is already overloaded.
• Volunteering for tasks that will enable you to meet other people in the organization and expand your network.

Using this kind of litmus test will ensure that you are investing your time and energy wisely, not just indiscriminately trying to please everyone.

If you find yourself unable to say no even when you want to, ask yourself what core need you are getting met by doing this. It might be that you need to be liked. Or you need to be the hero. Or you need to avoid conflict. If so, you will want to build your awareness of that need and find ways to get it met that won’t hurt you in the long run.

You say you work longer hours than you should. Who is the judge of that? The only rule around this is the one you make. The question is: what is the cost to you? If you have a lot of energy and don’t have a ton of commitments outside of work, maybe working long hours is appropriate for you right now. It probably won’t always be that way, but if isn’t hurting you I am not sure what the problem is. Are you disappointing family members or friends? Are you forgoing proper rest, exercise, or healthy meals? The key is to articulate your own standards for what you need to stay healthy, whole, and energized.

If others in your life are complaining about your work hours, find out what their complaint really means. Do they want to spend more time with you? If this is the case, ask yourself if you want to spend more time with them and make a choice. But if others are applying their rules to you, frankly, it is just an opinion—and most likely an unsolicited one. It is meaningless. Sometimes people who enjoy working a lot are threatening to people who don’t. I know one young woman who left a job because her boss said her work ethic was making the rest of the team feel bad! Just when I think nothing can surprise me, that sure did.

So who is the judge and what is the judgment based on? Answer that, and you will have your own rules for how much work is the right amount for you. Clarify your own standards. Define what you say yes to. Defend yourself against people who see you as a softy. Be your own judge and set your own rules.

Don’t worry, you will never be a “Teflon.” I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a few teams—data scientists, bio engineers, research fellows, project managers—in a fast-growing biotech company. I have teams in Southern California, Canada, Eastern Europe, and Indonesia. The teams pass work off between time zones; if one person doesn’t complete their piece during the workday, it puts their counterpart behind. The pressure is tremendous. When we hire, I am very candid about the nature of the work and the expectations. We only hire people who have completed grueling academic programs, so they are used to the pace.

Lately, things are more intense than usual. We are very close to reaching our goal but our last round of funding is nearly exhausted and we have missed some deadlines.

I recently heard from our HR person that someone has filed a complaint against me, saying I have been bullying them. I am not sure who made the complaint or what I am supposed to have done and I am not at all clear about the potential repercussions. Our HR person is new, does not seem particularly competent, and has never worked in a global company as far I can tell. I live and work in Eastern Europe and am not sure what laws apply, as the company is headquartered in the US.

I admit I am very tough on my people and we have all been under a lot of pressure. I have been called a lot of things—demanding, exacting, even harsh. But I have always tried to be fair and have never thought of myself as a bully.

What is the difference between having high standards and being results-oriented, and being a bully? What can I do about the accusation? How should I protect myself? How can I stop this kind of perception? Maybe what I am really trying to figure out is:

Am I a Bully?

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Am I a Bully?,

This is a big, complicated topic, and I encourage you to discuss all of these questions with the HR representative—especially what you can do about the accusation and how you can protect yourself.

The question I can help you with is how you can change the perception. I can only imagine that all of the reflection prompted by this event and the conversations you will be having will help you decide for yourself whether or not you are a bully. That is not for me to judge.

The truth is that someone who intends harm, plots ways to make others miserable, and derives pleasure and a feeling of power from doing so is most definitely a bully. A person who feels compelled to exert power or belittle others for reasons conscious or unconscious but feels terrible about it afterwards may also be a bully. Ultimately, however, the experience of being bullied is the singular and subjective reality of the person having the experience. So, the exact behavior that is registered as a direct conversation by one person might be experienced by another as an aggressive attack. When you are navigating multiple cultures and everyone is under a great deal of pressure, the situation becomes extremely complex.

Let’s take a look at a definition of bullying from The Workplace Bullying Institute: “Workplace bullying is repeated mistreatment and a form of ‘abusive conduct.’ Bullying is a non-physical form of workplace violence.” Another more universal definition from The Centers for Disease Control and Department of Education includes three core elements:

• unwanted aggressive behavior
• observed or perceived power imbalance
• repetition or high likelihood of repetition of bullying behaviors

At work, this would mean a perpetrator targeting someone for repeated mistreatment. This mistreatment can take the form of making threats, intimidating, humiliating, or shaming (either in private or in front of others), sabotaging or stealing another’s work, or verbal abuse. This is not the definitive list, just the usual suspects.

Does any of this sound familiar? I can only assume that you have never intended to be hurtful, but it does stand to reason that there might be people who experience a boss who is, in your words, “very tough, demanding, exacting, even harsh” as hurtful.

In my experience, leaders can get away with being all those things when every team member trusts that the leader has good intentions, has their backs, and acknowledges good work as often as they redirect subpar performance. Notice in the definition is says “unwanted aggressive behavior”.  One might wonder what kind of aggressive behavior is ever wanted, but, I guess, to each their own.

• Ask yourself: Is it possible that I have a negative judgment or attitude about a team member that is revealed though my words or actions? If the answer is yes, this is something you need to deal with. Revise your judgment, check your attitude, have the hard conversation—do something. If you are tolerating poor performance or lack of competence but are hoping it will go away, this could be tripping you up.
• Ask yourself: Do I give negative feedback to anyone in front of others? If the answer is yes, cut it out. This can cause intense suffering for the toughest among us.
• Ask yourself: Do I ever make disparaging remarks about people (even those who aren’t present), use demeaning language, or call people names? If the answer is yes, there might be team members who think it is only a matter of time until they are in your cross hairs.
• Ask yourself: Do I ever raise my voice in conversation with people who have less power than I do? If the answer is yes, just know that this behavior may roll off the backs of some, but others will find it destabilizing.

It sounds as if there is more than enough adrenaline and cortisol being produced within your teams. To get the results you need, you are going to have to balance your demanding and exacting nature with efforts to ensure that people feel safe enough to think properly. You can find some tips on how to do that here.

Once you get more details about what you are being called to account for in the complaint, you might consider discussing the whole matter openly with your teams. To get some insight into why this might be a smart move, and how to go about it, read this article.

You are who you are. You can develop awareness about the impact you have on different kinds of people, and you can change your behaviors. You can also help your team better understand you, your intentions, and how you are working on yourself, so no one experiences you as a bully. Download this very cool e-book about Building Trust that will give you a sense of some things you can try immediately to change perceptions about you.

If you were truly a bully, I don’t think you would have bothered to ask this question. But it is going to take some work to make sure your intentions match the impact you have on people. The more power you have, the more amplified your impact is—so getting that part right matters more than ever. And the more pressure you are under, the more important it is for you to ensure that you don’t inadvertently affect the care with which you treat your people.

If this all makes sense to you, now is the time for you to embark on a journey of personal transformation. You may choose not to, of course—but then I suspect this complaint will be the first of many to come. That will, eventually, seriously limit your career goals. If you decide to up your game, it won’t be easy and it won’t be comfortable, but you will never regret it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is the Chief Revenue Officer for a billion-dollar, publicly traded company, and I am watching her melt down in real time. She has been in the job for two years and has made one spectacularly bad decision after another.

Sales have tanked to an all-time low. I know for a fact that the earnings reporting is…not accurate. The stock price is slipping.

On Zoom calls she is manic, erratic, often making bizarre proclamations. I watch the faces of my peers and to a person the eyes are wide, lips tight. But no one is saying anything.

I can’t understand why our CEO, whom everyone acknowledges is a genius, put her in the job to begin with or has tolerated performance that has gone steadily downhill. It makes no sense.

Things have just gotten so weird; I don’t know who I can get a reality check with. It feels like I am losing my mind. I have been with the company a long time, and it has always been on a healthy upward trajectory. The CEO never would have tolerated such poor performance in the past.

I have a lot of stock options as part of my comp, and I am thinking now would be a good time to vest, with the stock price so low. I get calls from headhunters all the time, and I am beginning to think I should take them. I would feel bad abandoning my team, all of whom I love and care for. I am so conflicted.

Should I Bail?

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Should I Bail?

It sounds like a topsy-turvy world. I think when people start behaving strangely, especially when the CEO is asleep at the wheel—either actively ignoring an obvious problem or, as you imply, is somehow misrepresenting the numbers—you must assume something shady is going on. If no one is pointing out that the proverbial Empress Has No Clothes but you see it clearly, I would say you should trust your own judgment.

I can’t tell you to leave your job but I can ask you this: If your best friend told you all of what you have told me, and you trusted his judgment, what advice would you give him? If your immediate answer is “are you kidding, get the heck out of there!” —well, there is your answer.

There is no harm in taking the calls from recruiters, exploring your options, and getting a sense of what opportunities are available out there. You can brush off your resume and update your LinkedIn profile to be poised and ready to exit if your instincts prove correct. The only person who is going to care about your career and financial stability at this point is you, so preparing is smart. I applaud your concern about your team; it would be painful to feel like you are letting people down. If you do bail, you must trust that they will take your lead, start looking for options, and all land on their feet.

I often ask successful people what their biggest mistake was, and fascinatingly, almost to a person, it is a variation on “I didn’t pay attention to my gut and went along when I knew I shouldn’t.” You have been with the company for long enough that you can tell when you are seeing things that don’t add up. If you are not habitually negative and think something is going terribly wrong, then you are probably right.

Good luck to you.

Love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted and I am drowning. I am still supporting the person who took my former job while trying to get my head around my new job. My new team is huge, and I didn’t know any of them until I stepped into this job. I couldn’t get through my email if I spent ten hours a day trying. And that doesn’t include all of the stuff coming in on Slack.

My new boss has no time for me and clearly expects me to be able to hit the ground running, but I just can’t. I am supposed to get an assistant, but HR wants me to interview people, and I don’t have time. They have offered me a coach to help me—but again, I am supposed to talk to a few and choose one and I don’t have time for that.

My partner tells me I am headed toward burnout. I don’t think that is true. I’m not depressed or apathetic, just in way over my head. How can I get a grip? Any ideas you might have would be appreciated.

Need to Stabilize

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Need to Stabilize,

You have collapsed how you are feeling with reality. You are feeling like there is an emergency when there is no actual emergency. It sounds like you are in such a state of alarm you can’t think straight. And thinking straight is what you need to be able to do right now.

 So the first order of business is to turn off all of the noise and simply hear your own thoughts. Turn off Slack. Close your email. Turn your phone off. If you work in an office, go to another part of the building. A client I worked with once used to go to the stairwell. If you work from home, go to a coffee shop or a park. Step away from your normal environment and go someplace where no one can find you.

Put an out-of-office message on your email that indicates you will be focused elsewhere for the next 48 hours, and if the sender of an email deems it critical, they can resend in a few days.

Now write down everything you need to do—everything from the biggest, most complex things down to the smallest, and then prioritize it all.

Then delegate. Anything that someone else could conceivably do is to be done by someone else. Presumably the folks in HR are good at hiring, so tell them to choose the best candidate to be your assistant. Presumably the people offering you a coach have a pool of highly qualified coaches for you to choose from—and, honestly, any decent coach will be able to help you right now. There is zero research that supports the idea that anyone has an appreciably better coaching experience when they choose their own coach. Have the folks managing the coaching assign you a coach.

Do not spend a single minute doing anything that somebody else can do.

Tell your replacement that you need seven days to focus on your new job, and that they should collect their questions to bring to you then. They can text you if there is a potential train wreck about to happen.

Your boss expects you to hit the ground running? I love that expression because it sounds like something James Bond does when he drops out of a plane. It is not a real thing. But when your boss has no time for you, you can only assume you are on your own and you will have to use your best judgment. Draft an email to your boss outlining what you think is most important and what you plan to focus on for the next thirty days. They may ignore your email. Maybe they will respond with “OK fine, go go go,” or maybe they will suggest some changes. They may suggest (I have seen this before) that everything is a priority, which would be a cop out. If everything is a priority, nothing is a priority, so you will have to use your best judgment. Either way, you will have kept up your end of the implicit bargain by sending the email.

Getting to know your team is a priority. Once your new assistant is in place, have them set up 1×1’s with each of your new direct reports. Have them send you an email before their meeting in which they answer the following questions, (obviously you should edit these to suit you):

• What are the tasks and goals you are working on?
• What direction or support do you need from me on each of those tasks?
• What should you be doing that you are not doing and what is getting in the way?
• What is worrying you?
• What are you pleased about?
• What are your top strengths?
• What is your superpower?
• What do you want me to know about you?
• What do you want to know about me?
• What do you think I should know about your world, and about the team?

As you meet with each person, ask yourself what things are on your list that you might put on their list.  You will probably be able to find a few things. Will they do it the way you would do it? No. Will they do it as well? Probably not. But they might do it better—and either way, it will be done. Done is better than perfect, at least for now. You are never going to be able to do everything yourself, so you might as well start getting things done through others right now.

Finally, remember that you were promoted because someone thought you were competent enough to figure things out. And I suspect that you will be, once your brain is available for use.

So.

Nobody ever tells you that half the battle of senior leadership is choosing what to pay attention to and what to ignore. Stop. Breathe. Turn off the noise. Think. Breathe some more. Focus. Decide what you are going to do first, and what you will do in the next five days. Ignore everything else, for now.

You’ll feel much better.

“But what about the fallout if I make the wrong decisions?” you are asking. That may happen, but, well, then you’ll know, and you will learn from mistakes. I don’t know what your business is, but I am assuming that no bridges will fall down and no babies will die if you just take a step back.

Whatever ideas you have about how someone else would be doing way better in this situation are wrong. There is only you, right now, and it is up to you to take control.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior analyst at an insurance company. I want to start building my leadership influence.

I know my position is not at manager level yet, but I think leadership can happen at all levels. I am also very young compared to my colleagues who are at the same level in the company. I used to think influence meant popularity (e.g., numbers of likes and comments on my LinkedIn posts), but I am starting to feel that this is not true.

I read in a book that leadership influence means how many people would follow a leader and change their behaviors after interaction with the leader. Do you agree? Do you have any advice on how I can begin developing influence at my position?

Future Influencer

______________________________________________________

Dear Future Influencer,

This is a great question, and the topic could be a whole book. There are, in fact, plenty of books on the topic, most of which focus on communication skills. So I will try to hit some highlights, and maybe share a perspective you might not get elsewhere.

I agree that leadership can happen at all levels, starting with the self. I think the definition you share sounds right. Influence isn’t the same as popularity, and it is definitely not something that can be measured by interaction with others on social media.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary says influence is “the power to change or affect someone or something—especially the power to cause changes without directly forcing those changes to happen. Influence can also refer to a person or thing that affects someone or something in an important way.”

To boil it down, I think it means being able to get people to support you and your ideas or do stuff you need them to do, especially if it is inconvenient or isn’t really their job.

You might start by zooming in on three areas:

1. You: Who are you, and how do you add value to any situation? Get clarity on your own personality and core needs. Understanding others is much easier when you understand yourself because you can figure out how you are different from others, why it matters, and what you can do about it.

A great way to discover more about yourself is with our content on Essential Motivators. Watch this webinar to get going: Developing a Deeper Understanding of Yourself and Others. You will also want to understand what combination of traits, experience, and skills add up to being your superpowers. What are you naturally great at and what do you love to do that might be useful to others? You can use this knowledge to get involved with projects or committees in your organization that will help you find ways to contribute while vastly increasing your network.

2. Your Dreams: What do you dream of accomplishing (not job title or salary)? What kind of culture do you want to create around you? What kind of impact do you want to make in the world? What kinds of changes do you want to see in your industry? What is your vision for yourself, your team, your company? Do you know your values well enough to use them to make decisions? Do you have a personal mission?

All of these dimensions will help you begin to build a personal brand. All of these will provide you with a clear drive that people will recognize and be attracted to—because it is compelling to support others who are up to fun and interesting things. It’s great to be goal-oriented, but you want to aim for something more than just a title or salary band. As you aspire to leadership, ask yourself what will make you a leader others choose to follow.

3. Relationships: Connections on social media are rarely real relationships. Having a relationship with someone means that person knows who you are and will include you if they believe you have something useful to add to a project. You’ve heard the complaint about successful people, that “It is always who you know.” Well, it is true—maybe unfair, but true—because people can’t help you if they don’t know you. And they won’t know you unless you make sure they do.

The best way to increase the number of people you have relationships with is to create a Relationship Map:

• Identify the people you need to know—they might be senior to you, peers, or newbies. You never know what assistants might be able to help you if they feel inclined.
• Analyze each person. What are their goals? How might they benefit from knowing you?
• Make a plan to form a connection with each person. And I don’t mean on social media. If a person is very senior to you, maybe ask for a short meeting to interview them about their job—what they love about it, what skills it requires, what advice they have for you. People love to give advice!

If you find someone super interesting, ask them to mentor you. With others, try to find a common interest. This is where social media may come in handy. Talk about leadership books or baking. Get together for coffee or cocktails, or do something you both enjoy—hiking, taking your dogs to the dog park.

For more on this topic, you can find an articles on Relationship Mapping here and here.

You are well on your way, Future Influencer. The fact that you are reading books on leadership is already a great start. Warren Bennis wrote “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It’s precisely that simple, and it’s also that difficult.” You might want to put his book On Becoming a Leader on your list.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am director of client services for a global financial consulting group. I have a direct report who has a lot going for her. She is a hard worker, always organized and prepared, and a top performer. She is ambitious and has lofty goals.

But she lacks gravitas.

Like her, I am a woman who looks much younger than I am, and I know from experience that people like me must almost overcompensate by being very serious. This is especially true when seeking to establish “trusted partner” status with customers.

This person has a hard time receiving negative feedback. When I have mentioned this issue to her in the past, she was not open to hearing it. I just received survey results from members of our team, members of other cross-functional teams, and some customers that made it clear that I’m not the only one who sees the need for change.

How do I approach this with my team member? I don’t want to demotivate her, but I am 100% certain that she will not achieve her goals if she doesn’t pay attention to this issue and do something soon. I feel I will be doing her a disservice if I don’t say something. What would you advise?

A Little Stumped

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear A Little Stumped,

It seems like you care about your team member, and you really do have her best interests at heart. She probably has no idea how lucky she is to have you in her corner. And I agree that if you don’t tell her now, it will only get harder for her to understand why she isn’t advancing the way she thinks she should be.

There are two important parts to helping your team member:

First, help her permanently shift her relationship to feedback. Being open to hearing feedback, thoughtfully considering feedback, and finding a way to make feedback useful are critical skills for anyone who has ambitious career goals. This may be harder than anything else, but it is kind of a precursor to the gravitas piece. Foundational.

I once read a study showing that some people come wired with an openness to feedback, and you must hire for it because it can’t be taught. The study wasn’t replicated, so I am not 100% convinced, but it did stick with me—especially when I am hiring. And it hasn’t stopped me from trying to help people shift. The thing about working as a professional coach, however, is that people who sign up for it are de facto willing to hear feedback and open to change.

How might you help her shift? Possibly by using a coach approach and asking questions like these. (Note: These are just ideas—hopefully your experience with your person will help you to pinpoint a few that might work)

• I have noticed you have a bit of a hard time with feedback. Can you tell me a little bit about that?
• What do you think might be contributing to your reaction?
• What is your understanding of the purpose of feedback in professional growth?
• What do you think are the potential benefits of being open to feedback, even if it makes you a little uncomfortable at first?
• Have you ever had a situation where feedback led to a positive outcome? How might that experience be useful now?
• Have you noticed any patterns or recurring themes in feedback you receive? Is there something useful to consider there?
• What might it take for you to be more open to receiving feedback?
• Can you envision a future version of yourself who is more open and receptive to feedback? How could you move closer to that vision?
• What advice might you give to a friend who struggles with feedback?
• Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to hear feedback from me? And conversely, is there anything I do that makes it hard for you to hear feedback from me?

Getting this person to make the shift to seeking and using feedback will help her for the rest of her working life. You would be doing her an enormous service. I personally had a crossroads moment with a teacher who helped me with this exact issue, and I am grateful to this day.

Now the gravitas part:

It is tricky, right? Because the risk is that we are saying we want you to be authentic—but not that authentic.

Here is a past blog I wrote on this topic that might be useful. The biggest issue with a concept like gravitas is that it is a combination of a couple of very specific things that contribute to the effect of not having it.

There are so many little micro behaviors, often habitual, that conspire together: tone of voice, volume, affect, use of language, energy management (too much/too little depending on mood), lack of discipline with interrupting others, allowing others to interrupt. It goes on and on. With women especially, a common habit that diminishes presence is touching the face and/or hair. It is so unconscious, almost no one I have worked with had any idea they were doing it. 

 I am guessing you can identify a few of the little things she does that diminish the impression that she is a reliable person with authority. The key is to choose the behaviors that are most egregious and help her to notice those.

The first step is always to just pay attention and notice. 

 Then, have her consider what she might do differently. If it is a behavior that needs to be stopped, it can be helpful to brainstorm what she can do instead. For example: “Instead of touching my face, I should always have a pen in my hand and a notebook, and never take my hands off of those items.”

The other angle to gravitas is dress and grooming. This is so hard because it is so personal, but if someone doesn’t tell you, you won’t ever know. If that is the issue, you can share pictures of appropriate clothes for executive women. People can get a little cranky when you tell them that they can’t wear crocs to client meetings, or that shaving one side of their head doesn’t send the right message in their chosen industry. As people rise in organizations there has to be a certain level of being willing to wear a “costume” to signal who you are to others. It may feel disingenuous or shallow, but it is simply human nature.

Start with the crux of the matter: learning to deal with feedback is non-negotiable. Then tackle the gravitas concern. She may become demotivated. She may blame you. She may take it so personally that she can’t recover. If that’s the case, she does not have what it takes to achieve her goals, and that won’t be on you.

Be direct but kind. Tell the truth as you see it, including that fact that you are motivated to tell her these hard things because she does have so much going for her, and you would hate to see her held back for any reason.

 You will have done your best to help. The rest will be up to her.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am really worried that my company is going to replace my entire team of graphic artists with AI. What can I say to people who have spent decades to get really good at their craft only to see themselves replaced by technology?

I am literally losing sleep over this. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Losing Sleep

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Losing Sleep,

Boy, do I get it. I am old enough to remember seeing the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey in which the Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic computer (HAL) famously takes over the spaceship.  It made a huge impact on me.

Have you asked ChatGPT? I did, and the answer was pretty good! The first four suggestions were almost exactly what I might have proposed. What AI did not do is add the color commentary that I will.

1. Stay Informed – on this one, AI did not suggest, but I do, that you talk to your boss and listen to what is happening through the grapevine to gauge how realistic your concerns are. Are other jobs in the company being replaced by AI? Is there an overall intention and strategy to replace humans with AI? The more you know, the better you can prepare for what is coming.
2. Encourage Your People to Develop Their Skills – The people who can bring something to the table that AI cannot (yet) are the ones who will keep their jobs. With graphic design in particular, I would imagine that those individuals who can ask the right questions and hone in on exactly the feel that is desired will be irreplaceable. The ability to create fresh, new, and original work will be valued.
3. Foster Continuous Learning – Identify things that only humans can do and help people find ways to get better at them. Problem solving and devising new ways to express things will be in demand.
4. Cultivate a Practice of Flexibility and Adaptability – In our industry, we have often expressed the constant change people have to deal with as “the cheese has moved,” based on Spencer Johnson’s book Who Moved My Cheese. The pace of change has been a challenge for the last couple of decades, and it appears that it is only speeding up. Those who can find a way to build their resilience and roll with change will have a much higher quality of life. The question, of course, is how?

Neuroscience research shows that the brain is a predication machine and is much more comfortable with certainty. However, experience shows that nothing is ever certain, so we can predict all we want but we can’t ever be sure what is going to happen next. The best advice I ever heard on this topic came from Ben Zander, the co-author of The Art of Possibility.  Best known for being a charismatic and brilliant conductor, he is also a wonderful and very entertaining speaker. Ben suggested that instead of giving into our impulse to panic when the unexpected pops up, we should stop, take a breath, observe, and say to ourselves “how fascinating!” Essentially, he encourages us to be curious—to engage in whatever is happening with an attitude of inquiry.

So. Losing sleep is not going to help you now. Read up. Talk to people in your company. Listen to podcasts. Get informed. Get curious, stay curious, and encourage curiosity in your people. They are artists, so by definition they must be creative. You might lead with the question “What can we create in this new paradigm?”

I am going to try to follow this advice myself, believe me.  And I will admit the whole thing scares me too. I’ve spent the last twenty years getting better at writing only to find that nobody reads anymore. There are some who are concerned that my entire industry might be replaced by AI.

I really think the only way to deal with today’s world is to keep growing, learning, and changing ourselves. It isn’t comfortable for most of us, and it isn’t easy. As a leader, you can choose to be a role model for your people.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a business unit for a medium-size business. I have a group of six regional managers who report to me. We have been working remotely since long before Covid and have been using video conference for our team meetings forever.

I have a direct report who has begun to refuse to be on camera for our weekly team meetings. About a year ago, we did a team charter where we all agreed that having everyone on camera improved the meetings. We are pretty informal, and we all get tired of sitting at our desks, so some people stand and do yoga poses, some people pace, etc. Certainly if anyone needs a quick bio break, they go off camera for a few minutes. Everyone has kids and dogs they must deal with when they work from home and coworker interruptions when they are in the office. That is just normal.

I have spoken to this team member about the issue a couple of times, and she doesn’t seem to have a good explanation for her choice. She just says she is sick of being on camera all day. I do sympathize; I also think it is tiring. She runs an office, though, and many of her people come in, so she has plenty of in-person time with people. She doesn’t seem to have a problem being on camera for our regular 1×1’s. I am flummoxed.

This situation is affecting the team, and I don’t know what to do next.

Thoughts?

Shut Out

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Shut Out,

It is funny when, with no explanation, someone just decides to not comply with a rule they had agreed to follow. We could speculate all day long about what is going on, but it wouldn’t help us much. Try once more to discuss it with her. This time, be candid about the importance of her being on camera for the team meeting. Make it clear that if there is no real reason, it is not acceptable for her to be off camera.

Perhaps you could prepare some details about how you see this affecting the team. Ask some questions to get your camera-shy person to gain some insight into how her choice impacts the team. Some ideas:

• Is there something I need to know about what is going on with you?
• Is there something happening within the team that is making you feel unsafe or uncomfortable?
• What impact do you think it might have that you are choosing to go against what the team agreed to?
• Is there something we could all do together that might reduce your on-camera fatigue?

You haven’t said anything about this person’s performance, so I assume all is well in that area. If, in fact, there is a significant performance issue, that might be part of the problem. If she is feeling bad about her performance, that is something you can address head on.

If you press the issue, she might choose to share her reason(s), which could help you understand. If she says something that helps you make sense of her decision, you can make a call, and then share it with the team. That seems like a long shot, though. My personal experience is that people who consistently choose to be off camera in regular meetings do themselves a disservice, since it makes it easy to forget that they are even present.

In the end, as the boss, you will probably have to insist on compliance with the group’s decision. Of course, she may refuse, and then you have that to deal with. You may have to decide if this issue is worth losing an employee. That will be up to you. The most important thing to know is that whatever happens will set a precedent—and it will send a message to the whole team about what is important to you and what isn’t. Your leg to stand on here is that being on camera was the team’s decision, not some arbitrary rule that you are enforcing to assert your power.

You might think about bringing up the whole matter with the team and revisiting the on-camera rule together. Maybe the whole team is sick of it.

Everyone is finding their way in this new era of hybrid teams. You will want to tread lightly and be sensitive to individual needs, while also keeping the best interests of the team at heart. It is always a bit of a balancing act.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a manager for a couple of years. My company provided zero training. I kind of figured things out as I went along, and took a lot of online courses. I’m doing okay.

My issue is that there is just too much work. I’ve tried putting in ten-hour days, being super organized, using time management systems—you name it. But even when I work 55 to 60 hours a week I still can’t get it all done. My partner keeps telling me I’m going to burn out, but I don’t really feel that way. I love my job and am convinced there is a better way to get things done. I keep hearing that I need to work smarter, not harder, but I don’t really know what that means.

I am beginning to think there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I’m just not smart enough.

Any suggestions you have would be welcome.

Up Against the Clock

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Up Against the Clock,

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are smart enough.

There is just too much work.

And your partner is right. You are in danger of burning out.  In fact, I might suggest that your recent attack of self-doubt is an indication that burnout is already happening.

Humans are simply not built to sustain that much intensity 24/7/365. If you were saving orphans in a war zone, it might make sense, but even that would come to an end at some point. High intensity can work well for special projects—situations that have a beginning, middle, and end. But even CEOs and business owners have to find ways to take vacation and modulate intensity, and they are generally well compensated for their commitment. The situation you are describing sounds like a long, dark tunnel with no hope of light at the end of it.

You must take action. Now.

You have a few options.

1. Get help. I am not sure where your manager is in all of this, but if you have not escalated this situation to them already, now is the time. You can’t expect your manager to know you are overburdened unless you tell them. If they are available to you at all, ask for a 1:1 to go over everything on your plate and brainstorm how to get some of it off your plate. If they are not available to you, make a spreadsheet. List everything required of you, the time each thing takes, what you need to hand off to someone else, what you are going to do in 45 to 50 hours a week, and what you are not going to do. Then email it to your manager. If you can’t get support from your manager, you might think about escalating the situation to your manager’s boss or even HR.
2. Prioritize. Choose the deliverables that are going to make the least impact on your team and others and find a way to delegate them or just don’t do them. A client who had just completed an MBA from Harvard Business School once told me that one thing Harvard teaches in MBA programs is how to prioritize. The way they do it is by assigning so much work that it is almost impossible to do it all. The students who succeed figure out which assignments to invest their time in and which to coast on. This story may not be true, but it makes sense to me because no one can do everything that could be done, or even should be done. The dirty little secret of working smarter is that you decide what you’re not going to do or what you are going to do less well. You must choose what you will focus on and what you will not focus on.
3. Schedule and take a vacation. It sounds like you have climbed on a hamster wheel and you can’t get off. Impossible as it may seem, you must step away and get some perspective. And I don’t mean a long weekend. I mean at least one entire work week during which you totally unplug. If you can’t do it, that is an HR matter. Seriously. It means that the staffing and resourcing for your team is wrong.

You will notice I am not suggesting you delegate more, because every situation like yours I have ever seen suggests that you are either already doing that or you don’t have anyone to delegate to. If that is the case, you need more people. Fight for it.

This is a crossroads moment for you. And I know you know that, or you wouldn’t have written this letter. The only person who can put up the hand, stop the train, call a time out, and rebuild your work life so it makes sense is you. Your number one priority is personal sustainability so that you can continue to contribute to your organization, grow your career, and enjoy your life.

The moment is now.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a national mortgage company and recently took over a team from a leader who had led it for 37 years. Every single person on the team is more experienced in the business of the team than I am. And every one of them is very disengaged because their former leader clearly had checked out a long time before he left.

A lot of the processes—some of them possibly of no use whatsoever—are outdated and labor-intensive. When I ask why things are done the way are done, the answer is always a variation on “that’s just how we’ve always done it.” There are some time- and labor-intensive tasks where the owners aren’t clear why they are done or who cares about them.

All of my questions seem to be making people nervous. I am confused as to how this happened. The other parts of the company I have worked in are well run and up to date, and we were always asked to look for efficiencies. My manager has no explanation for me, and precious little guidance.

I am intensely frustrated with the condition of the team. It feels like everyone is lost in the land that time forgot. It needs a massive overhaul. I am pretty sure we don’t even need half the people on the team. I don’t want to scare anyone, but as the team leader, I can’t let things go on like this.

Any suggestions for how to approach this mess?

Need a Reboot

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Need a Reboot,

I understand your frustration and your confusion. It is uncommon these days to uncover parts of a business that have not been forced to slim down or to leverage technology to do more with less. For reasons you may never know, your predecessor was left to his own devices with little to no oversight. The people he left behind probably are either delighted to have a job they can coast through, completely burned out, or too bored and worn down to care.

I think you have a great opportunity here to rebuild your team from the ground up. At Blanchard, we define team leadership as an influence process focused on helping the team reach and sustain high performance. We define a team as two or more people working interdependently to achieve a common purpose with shared accountability for results. Let’s not call this group of people a “team” until they actually behave like one. You can find more detail on our thinking about teams here.

The thing that will trip you up is a deadly combination of too much, too soon, too fast. Slow and steady wins the race. It doesn’t sound like your manager is paying attention anyway, so why rush?

You might start by sharing your vision for the team with the team. This will be personal and sound something like, “Our team is an energetic and creative group that adds value to the organization by providing x, y and z.” You can share your plan to make some changes, but that you are committed to carefully planning each step so that all points of view are considered, nobody feels overwhelmed or left behind.

Next, outline some high-level goals—the first of which is to really understand all critical deliverables, who in the organization wants/needs them, and the purpose of each one. Once you have that figured out, you can brainstorm ways to go about delivering on them.

Then, get to know each individual on the team. Get detailed information about what they do, what they are good at, what they like to do, and how they see themselves contributing moving forward. You can assign specific tasks like research around software or updated ways to accomplish things to match skills and interests.

Create a first draft of a plan, get input from everyone on the team, tweak, and refine. Once you have a plan, you might think about creating a Team Charter.

A Team Charter is a co-created document that outlines:

• Your company’s vision
• Your company’s values
• Your company’s purpose: What does the organization do? For whom do they do it? Why do they do it?
• Team Purpose: What do we do? For whom do we do it? Why do we do it?
• Team Goals: What are the measurable outcomes the team is responsible for in order to achieve the team’s purpose?
• Team Roles: What are the key responsibility areas of each team member for achieving the team goals?
• Behavioral Norms: What are the behavioral expectations and team practices (strategies and processes) that the members agree the team should follow? What are the ground rules? These can include but are not limited to: communication, decision making, problem solving, and accountability.

Along the way, your group of employees will either be excited by the opportunity to make a tangible contribution to your company or they won’t. If you are vastly overstaffed for the work required of the team, this process will make it easy to identify the people you can probably get along without.

Stay focused on moving forward and let go of your distress about the past. Make a concerted effort not to criticize anyone or anything done in the past—the person responsible for it is gone, and it will just make people feel like you blame them. Let people know you have the backs of those who are all in on creating a future together. Put a road map together and move deliberately, step by step, toward your milestones. You will definitely have some bumps, but at least you will be acting as a team and creating a landscape that makes sense.

It will be an adventure, but it sounds like you are ready for one!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

This isn’t really a work problem, it is a life problem caused by success at work. I am the CEO of a respected company and have been successful beyond my wildest dreams. I was the first in my family to go to college, let alone get an advanced degree. I am incredibly persistent and have worked hard—but, to be fair, I have also been lucky.

My problem is that my success is visible, so my family members and friends constantly ask for financial support. I am a single mother of two kids. I pay for their secondary schooling and am trying to save for them to go to university as well as for my retirement. I already contribute to the school fees of all my nieces and nephews and pay rent for some of my aunts and uncles. Once I have paid my own bills and all the others, there isn’t much left for savings.

People see that I drive a good car and have nice clothes and they think I am made of money. My own assistant recently asked me to help with her mother’s medical care. People always say they will pay me back, and we all act as if the money is a loan, but I can’t see how anyone will ever be able to pay me back.

I know that the things people ask me to help with are legitimate. It isn’t that I feel taken advantage of—it is simply more than I can pay. I recently made a loan by putting something on a credit card, so now I am paying interest on that loan and I just hate it. I am really struggling with saying no.

Victim of My Success

__________________________________________________________

Dear Victim of My Success,

This is such a classic conundrum. It makes it hard to enjoy your success when it puts you in such an uncomfortable position. I think you might be able to apply a couple of principles here that will help. You will have to gather your courage to be tough and firm, but it sounds like you are tired enough of the situation and are ready to do that. You aren’t going to like what I am going to say, but I am going to say it anyway.

Your suspicion that none of what you give away is truly a “loan” is dead right. Unless you have some kind of payment plan that you are willing to hold people to, you are really just giving money away. The way people who officially loan money (like banks or loan sharks) get unpaid loan money back most of the time is to seize assets or terrify people into compliance. Of course you are not going to do that.

So the first thing you need to do is change your language when you do offer help. Call it a gift. Then when people insist they will pay you back, you can say they are welcome to do that, but you don’t expect it. You never know, someone may repay your generosity when you need it most in the future. I call that pennies from heaven. But you must construct your financial life as if that will never happen. It takes a lot of pressure off the relationship. Everybody wins, you get your need to share and be generous met, and people get help when they need it.

Then, you need to clarify your own boundaries: how much money must you protect for yourself, your children, and the commitments you have already made? It is simply math. You know what comes in every month, and you know what goes out. With anything left over, you decide what goes into savings and what is left over to give away. You can literally build a giveaway fund—and when it is exhausted, that’s that. No more. The well is dry. Until you decide to replenish the fund.

And, unless you are committed to being in debt for anyone other than your children, such as to pay for education or co-sign a mortgage, I highly recommend that you first use the fund to pay off your credit card debt. I am no financial planner, but I know enough to know that credit card debt is brutal and is to be avoided at all costs.

This will be hard for you. You help people because their needs are legitimate, and you care for them. But legitimate need is infinite. It will never shrink. You will be on this vicious and exhausting cycle until you put a stop to it. No one can do it for you.

People will stop asking only when there is nothing—and I mean nothing—left to give. You really don’t want that. Sometimes people are victims of circumstances beyond their control. This is not the case for you.

You have choices here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to a VP role in my company. It was a bit of a surprise as I thought my boss would never leave—but he did, quite suddenly. I have been in the role now for about five months.

My new boss keeps telling me I need to “get out of the weeds” and be more strategic. I have no idea what that means. I am still doing my old job while now also supervising the work of all my peers. I am at my wits’ end with the workload. The meetings alone are killing me.

My biggest issue is that I am most comfortable simply getting things done—making my list of tasks and systematically checking them off. I suspect that isn’t particularly strategic.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

How to Get Out of the Weeds

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear How to Get Out of the Weeds,

I can appreciate your overwhelm and confusion. The transition you are going through is one of the hardest, in my opinion, because everything you have done in the past that has made you successful is now getting in your way.

It is very common among people who are great at execution to be at sea with how abstract and unproductive “strategic” activity can feel. It is a shift in mindset that very few people recognize and even fewer are able explain or help with. It sounds like your boss might be one of those folks who expects you to just figure things out on your own.

I recommend a couple of do-nows—things you can do right now that will set you up for success in the near future.

• Identify someone in the organization that you respect and ask them to mentor you. Tell them you specifically need help to figure out how to be more strategic.
• Ask your boss what five things they need to see from you that will give them confidence that you can be more strategic and that you can do the job the way they want it done.
• Replace yourself: find someone who can do the job you were doing before. Either promote from within or request to hire from outside the organization. Nobody can be successful doing two full-time jobs.

Once you have done all of the above, or have them in process, you can turn your attention to what it means to be strategic.

This issue has come up so much with my coaching clients that I have developed a list of things a strategic leader does, gleaned from my experience and from reading books and articles. There are a million books on this topic and even more opinions, so remember this is just my take on it. Maybe use this list with your boss to see what they agree with and what they think might be missing or not quite right. That will at least get you two on the same page.

What does it mean to be a strategic leader?

See the big picture:

• Anticipate what is coming. Note and develop plans to navigate the unknown.
• Get the big ideas right.
• Stay aligned with reality while entertaining innovative ideas.
• Use big ideas to set direction while considering potential contingency plans.
• Craft the short-term and long-term objectives that will move people in the right direction.
• Communicate about objectives and direction clearly and repeatedly. Use storytelling and share inspiring wins widely.

Translate the abstract into the concrete:

• Help design tactics to achieve objectives, especially those that require cross-functional cooperation.
• Oversee implementation and execution of tactics—create dashboards of the most relevant data to create transparency, visibility, and accountability.
• Track analytics—interpret data to formulate meaning found in analysis.
• Refine big ideas, direction and objectives, and tactical approaches as activity surfaces new information.

See all, know all, intervene judiciously:

• Re-direct to maintain focus.
• Measure and evaluate performance.
• Track successes and breakdowns—help tackle hiccups in processes and systems.
• Support solving of complex entrenched problems.
• Make sure people feel noticed, seen, and heard.
• Keep your ear to the ground to get advance notice of potential problems and to surface time-wasters—policies that aren’t producing intended results. Anticipate.

Focus on the future:

• Create multiple paths for generating and testing ideas.
• Create an environment of learning and innovation.
• Develop opportunities for high potential performers.

Master political agility:

• Cultivate relationships incessantly.
• Challenge the status quo without provoking outrage.
• Be masterful at shuttle diplomacy—conducting negotiations, especially between parties at odds with each other, but also parties who can’t see how their goals can be aligned.

As you can see, a lot of these activities involve thinking or relationship building, which can feel like anything but work. And to be fair, it isn’t work as you have known it. But it is work—it is strategic work and someone needs to do it. You can expect this transition to take some time and a lot of getting used to. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some grace. As long as your boss is getting what they need from you, you will be okay.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a large regional business unit, and a few years ago all managers went through a coaching class. We learned to ask fewer why questions when coaching, and I have found it to be a helpful tip. I know it’s generally not a good idea to ask why questions, because they can put people on the defensive.

What is your advice on what to do when someone asks a why question?

I was recently asked one by a manager who works for me, who also went through the training and should know better.

I find myself not wanting to answer the question for fear I will appear defensive by even answering. I don’t see a good or productive way to answer the question, mainly because the way it was asked seemed to presume that I had done something wrong.

Is it rude to reframe the question the into a form I could answer? Like a politician?

This incident has made me realize that I seem to get a lot of these kinds of questions from this manager—questions I would prefer she answer for herself. It makes me concerned that she either can’t answer the questions or is kicking the questions up a level for some reason. Maybe she is asking for more support?

Confused and Confronted Leader

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Dear Confused and Confronted Leader,

This is an interesting one! For readers who wonder what is being discussed here, you can get some background from this article: Important Coaching Techniques Every Leader Should Practice. In most coaching skills programs, ours included, a fundamental is to ask better questions. This means, by and large, to ask what and how questions, as they tend to produce more useful answers. And it is true that why questions tend to put people on the defensive.

In your case, it is hard to formulate an answer without more detail, so I will proceed with general principles that hopefully pertain to your situation.

• Asking why questions when one should know better is simply a habit. I wouldn’t read too much into it. You might suggest that the why question be asked as a what or a how question.
• Just because someone asks a question doesn’t mean you have to answer it. If someone really needs an answer they will probably follow up and ask the question differently, or ask a different question altogether.
• The best way to respond to any question that makes you feel defensive is with curiosity. I guess you can always reframe the question, but you might try answering a tricky question with another question. For example: To respond to “Why was my team not told about this decision beforehand?” you might ask “What is happening among your team that concerns you?”
• One rule of thumb to consider whenever you feel defensive is to never take anything personally. You could ask yourself “How might I see this differently if I weren’t feeling attacked?”

The situation where your direct report keeps coming to you with questions she should be able to answer herself seems like a perfect opportunity to put on your coach hat. When anyone comes to you with questions you know in your heart they have the answers to, you can evoke their wisdom and simply ask (nicely of course) what they think the answer is. Either they will have good answers or you will discover they need a lot more direction than you realized. It is entirely possible your people do not see the big picture or have forgotten the reasons for a change being made. As a leader, you have to remember that anything you think is obvious, is not.

Finally, it sounds like you are uncomfortable with your people challenging you or doubting your authority. But it is better to have people around you who do that than a bunch of “yes” people who praise every decision and laugh at all of your jokes. That spells doom for any leader.

If your people seem to doubt your authority, you can always rely on the world’s best questions from our Conversational Capacity Program:

• What am I not seeing that you’re seeing?
• What’s your take on this idea?
• What does it look like from your angle?
• Are you seeing something I am missing?

Maybe they are doubting your authority and you would be well served to listen to them. Or maybe they just don’t understand and need you to spend more time explaining your thinking. Either way, they will be much more likely to have your back.

I hope there is something in here you can use.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a business unit for a global manufacturing company and have been in the role for about 18 months. I took over for someone who was completely checked out and it was a bit of a mess. It has taken me this long just to untangle the log jams and uncover all of the critical tasks that weren’t getting done. I had to replace a few key managers who weren’t enthusiastic about being held accountable.

All of the processes and systems are now up and running, and things are smooth enough that I have devoted some time to doing skip-level meetings with people who report to my executive team members. These have been enlightening, to say the least. It has become clear to me that one of my team members, who has delivered stellar results, has also created a toxic work environment. He yells at people in front of others and his team members live in fear of making a mistake. I believe it is only a matter of time before they start quitting in droves.

I was put in this job because my strength is process, so I am a little at sea about what to do about this situation. My instinct is to call him out in front of the rest of the team so he knows what that feels like, because that’s exactly what he is doing. I am so mad that this is the only thing I have come up with so far. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Process Master

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Process Master,

Congratulations on your success.

Skip levels can indeed be illuminating. You have somehow earned enough trust in the organization that people are willing to tell the truth about their experience. The problem is now that you know, and people know you know, you do need to do something about it or you risk losing that trust.

The question is: what?

Your instinct is understandable and your hesitation is smart. You don’t want to role model the exact behaviors you are trying to curtail. You have already shifted the culture of the organization to be process focused. What else do you think is important to the culture? If culture is values in action, what are the values you want to see? There are clues in your allergic reaction to the way your direct report is treating his people.

If you see yelling at people—especially in front of others—as unacceptable, what should replace that behavior? Possibly this indicates that you think leaders should treat their people with respect and should give feedback in private. What exactly would that look like?

If people live in fear of making a mistake, how should mistakes be dealt with? The way you answer this question reveals the value you want your leaders to embody. Perhaps you think that mistakes reveal a lack of competence that needs to be addressed. This might represent the value of preparedness. Possibly you feel people have too much on their plates and need help to balance their workload. That might represent the value of fairness, say, or load balancing.

What else did you hear from your skip levels that leads you to diagnose the environment their leader has created as toxic? What exact specific things did you hear that the leader does that makes you believe people will quit in droves? This is the only way to shape the requests you can make of your direct report. It should be direct and straightforward, so that there is no confusion about the message you are sending.

It might sound something like this:

• “I understand you routinely yell at your people in front of their peers. That is not an effective way to build trust among your people. I request that you never raise your voice and offer redirection in private. Keep things matter of fact, never personal.”
• “I heard your people live in fear of making mistakes. I request that you treat people with respect and treat mistakes as information that something is not quite right. Get to bottom of what is causing the mistakes and fix it.”
• “Your results have been excellent, but you won’t be able to sustain them if everyone quits. So I need to see if you can produce the same results while creating an environment that people enjoy working in.”

Write down your requests, and, if possible, practice with someone safe. Do not allow yourself to make room for excuses or get drawn into a debate. That will take you down a road that will not serve you.

Once you make clear requests, make sure your direct report knows you will be following up to check on his compliance with them. Be ready to share the consequences he will face if he does not change his behavior. He has already seen that you will not tolerate lack of accountability, so that should work in your favor.

As the leader of your unit, it is your responsibility to share the values you expect your team to use as they lead their people. You seem to have gotten the message across that process alignment and task completion are the most important. Now you can add other values—maybe respect, or kindness, or appreciation for employees. One leader I worked with had a value he called “No Jerks.” His people knew exactly what that meant.

I can’t tell you what your values are—only you can sleuth those out by noticing what you don’t want. That will help you to articulate what you do want, what is most important, and what is unacceptable. Those are your values. Once you figure them out, share them with your people regularly. Use them to shape the feedback you give. Track the extent to which your leaders are guided by those values in performance reviews. As you know, anyone can get great results through bullying in the short term, but it will tank results in the long term.

I suspect you will rise to this new leadership challenge.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have raised three children while working full time. I am now a senior executive. I love my job and am normally a very even-keeled, cheerful person.

Recently, however, I am feeling out of sorts. What does it mean when everything is irritating and everyone is aggravating? Thought you might have some ideas for me.

Vexed

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Vexed,

These days, of course, my first thought is that you might be coming down with Covid, the flu, RSV, strep throat, bronchitis, or pneumonia.

Once you’ve ruled that out, you have to look at the big life events that, even if positive, can cause massive stress. On the positive list, are you moving your home? Getting married? Planning a wedding for one of your kids? Have you gotten a puppy? (Don’t even get me started on the puppy thing.) All of those events can really knock you off center, even if they are wonderful and fun. And then the not-so-fun biggie: Perhaps you have lost someone you love recently and are still grieving, but are thinking you should be over it by now. I find that grief lasts a lot longer than anyone wants it to . And it can wreak all kinds of havoc.

If you aren’t sure, you can take the assessment on The American Institute of Stress website. There was no mention of global pandemics or significant political unrest, so that page needs to be updated.

If it isn’t big life stuff, it may be that you are tolerating entirely too much.

Tolerations are seemingly inconsequential little things that drain away your energy. Thomas Leonard, a trailblazer in the coaching profession, coined the word to describe all of the small stuff that takes up mental space and distracts us from the task at hand. Tolerations have a way of accumulating, like barnacles on the hull of a ship. A few are not a problem, but layers of them seriously impede the vessel’s speed and seaworthiness. A ship covered in barnacles will require twice the fuel to get to its destination than a ship with none.

It is such a simple construct, the idea of tolerations. These dumb little things, taken by themselves, are not a big deal—but when they add up they can make you feel like you are carrying rocks everywhere you go. Everyone has a critical mass. Some can put up with a lot more than others. The way you know yours has been reached is exactly how you described it: everything is irritating and everyone is aggravating.

Make a list of all the dumb little things you are putting up with around your house, at work, in your relationships. Identify a few you can knock down today or this week. You will be back on an even keel.

Examples might be helpful:

• You walk five miles a day and your shoes are shot.
• Your dog keeps scarfing food off the counter whenever you turn your back.
• The light bulb on your front porch is out and you can’t see well enough to put your key in the lock. And you live someplace really cold.
• Someone at work keeps scheduling meetings over meetings you have committed to. They can easily see your available time but are somehow not checking.
• You never wear half of what’s in your closet, and there is no room for new things.
• You have stuff in your freezer from 2019.
• Your folder system on your computer is outdated and it takes 6 clicks to get to the stuff you are currently working on.
• Someone has stolen your phone charger in the kitchen so you can’t plug it in so you can listen to your podcasts while making dinner.
• You know you are paying for subscriptions you never use but haven’t taken the time to cancel all of them.
• The person in the household who is supposed to take the trash out has to be asked. Repeatedly.
• The person who thinks you should be taking the trash out has a different definition of full than you do.
• You need new windshield wipers, but only remember when it rains.
• Every time you pick up your mail, you swear to yourself you will move everything to paperless billing, but you keep forgetting.
• You need a new battery for your TV remote. It still kind of works, but only sporadically. It needs a special battery that you never have on hand.
• Your favorite plant is doing so well that it needs to be re-potted.
• You are tired of your book club but worry that quitting will hurt someone’s feelings.
• You are a serious golfer and hate your putter.
• Someone in your life does not plan well, and they consistently try to make their perfectly avoidable emergencies your problem.

See? Little things. Dumb. No big deal. But you probably have over 25 right now, which is the upper limit for most people. Get some of them off the list, and you will be back to your cheerful, even-keeled self in no time. I promise.

Tolerations tend to build up over time, and I highly recommend making a list twice a year and creating a plan to address them all. It feels amazing.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

2022 will be remembered as a year of continued change as workers adapt to a post-COVID, hybrid work environment. This was reflected in the questions Madeleine received from her readers. Here is a list of this year’s top five, most-viewed columns. Madeleine will be back on January 7^th with a new year of questions from well-meaning managers—possibly yours? 

Feel Like a Fraud?

A reader who started at an entry-level position, got an MBA, and rose steadily in her company shares being dogged by a feeling that she isn’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think she is.  Madeleine shares how imposter syndrome troubles many well-meaning leaders and how to address it. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/feel-like-a-fraud-ask-madeleine

Serious “Resting Face” Issues?

Madeleine helps a friendly, but somewhat serious, manager who has been told she told she has a resting b*%*# face. Madeleine commiserates and shares some strategies. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/serious-resting-face-issues-ask-madeleine

Boss Is Always Criticizing You?

Madeleine offers practical tips for a reader dealing with a new boss who is constantly criticizing everything they do and seems to be trying to make them feel terrible in small and large ways. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/boss-is-always-criticizing-you-ask-madeleine

Not Sure about Blowing the Whistle?

A reader asks a COVID-related question that begs a bigger discussion of what to do when you face an ethical dilemma. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-about-blowing-the-whistle-ask-madeleine

Considering Working with a Coach?

Madeleine helps a reader sort through the pros and cons of working with a coach—including some key questions to ask. https://resources.kenblanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/considering-working-with-a-coach-ask-madeleine

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@kenblanchard.com. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Best Wishes for the New Year!

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a sales manager for a specific product in a large US company. My team is small and we all work very hard. As a result, I applied to hire a new team member to accommodate the sharp increase in opportunities.

I ended up going with an internal hire who came from another sales team. I will call him K. He got up to speed pretty quickly and seemed to settle in well. At about the same time he started, my boss, the EVP of sales, rolled out a new CRM system.

Even though learning a new system was stressful for everyone, we all got a lot of training. This system does things our old one didn’t do, so we were all enthusiastic about the change.

We are now held accountable for several new tasks as part of our sales approach. One is to ask for introductions to other potential buyers in the organizations we sell to and to provide detailed records of this effort. Another is to keep detailed notes of all contacts that are made.

Most everyone on the team, except K, seems to have found a groove with these new requirements. We all keep the system open all day and enter information as we go. It isn’t hard once you get the hang of it. K, on the other hand, is using his old system of keeping his incremental activity in a notepad. He claims he will enter everything at the end of the week.

Part of my job is to go into the system at the end of each week and create a report for my boss of all activity. The first month we were all on a learning curve, but now, three months in, K’s records are spotty at best. I am cc’d on a lot of emails and also have attended some of K’s sales calls, so I know for a fact that some information is not where it should be.

I have spoken to K about this three times and pointed out the gaps where things are missing. I’ve asked him if he is having trouble getting the hang of the new system. Last Friday I offered to sit with him and help while he got all of his information in, but he declined. He tells me he will absolutely pay more attention to putting his information in, but then Friday comes and—no change.

My boss is concerned and is challenging me to confront K, but I just don’t know what to do when he keeps yessing me and then not doing anything differently. I don’t know if he is just not taking me seriously, if he thinks I am pushover, or if he thinks he can fly under the radar forever. I don’t want to be mean, but how do I get across that he needs to step it up and comply with using the new system properly?

Being Yessed

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Being Yessed,

This kind of situation is so frustrating. Being unable to gain insight into what is getting in the way of someone doing what they say they are going to do (and what they need to do) leads inevitably to speculation about what is going on in their head. Speculating can lead to making assumptions, which can lead to all kinds of trouble.

Our time-tested performance management model, SLII®, would suggest that K is stuck at the development stage called “the disillusioned learner.” This stage is a deeply unpleasant combination of low competence, often a lack of confidence, and low commitment to improving. It can look a lot like an attitude problem. If you as the leader cannot successfully help him find his way past it, this stage could easily be terminal—meaning you would have to let him go.

I think one fair assumption is that something is getting in the way of K’s lack of compliance. The only way to find out what it is, is to ask him. You can start with questions like:

• What is stopping you from using the system the way the rest of us do and keeping track of your activity as you go?
• What is really going on with you?
• Do you understand that our keeping detailed reports is a requirement? That it is not optional? That I am held accountable by my boss to ensure compliance, and that I am now getting in trouble?
• Do you understand why my boss and I both think having accurate records is important?
• What do you think might help you to get the proper records done by end of business every Friday?
• What kind of support or extra training might be helpful?

If K persists in shutting you out, you can explain that your job is to partner with him to help him be successful, but he has to meet you halfway. If that doesn’t help, you can explain that compliance with basic processes is a condition of employment, and if he is unwilling or unable to do the job the way it needs to be done, you will have no choice but to replace him. That sounds harsh, but it is the truth. You can tell the truth as long as it is without blame or judgment, and it might actually get the message across.

You may or may not be able to compel K to change, and you need to be prepared to respond appropriately. Be ready to explain the consequences of his choices.

You can certainly ask if there is anything you are doing that is contributing to the situation—but ultimately try to not make it about you. Keep the focus on K and what he needs.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the operations lead for a region in a global manufacturing company. I oversee physical plants and offices, and work closely with HR around issues of safety and compliance and supply chain. You name it, most problems end up on my desk. I manage four teams that report to me.

I am direct, no nonsense, and very matter-of-fact. My strength is that I am a creative problem solver and I get things done. I am not unfriendly per se, but no one would call me warm and fuzzy.

My boss, the EVP of Operations who reports directly to the CEO, is grooming his successor and I know he wants it to be me. I am single and have no kids. It would be easy for me to relocate to HQ and I know I can do the job.

Here is the challenge: I have been told, and others have given feedback about me, that I am intimidating. I have heard it my whole life. I’ve tried to be “nice,” but I don’t believe it has made much of a difference. I don’t get it.

The part that really bugs me is that I know if I were a man, this simply wouldn’t be an issue. Most of the people I work with are men and I suspect this is just straight-up sexism. What can I do about this?

Intimidating

________________________________________________________

Dear Intimidating,

Oh, I hear you, my friend. You are probably right about the gender thing. Sexism is probably a strong word to use at this point because, so far, it seems you have not suffered from active discrimination. But you are suffering from perceptions governed by deeply ingrained cultural norms.

It is simply true that when people feel intimidated by a male boss, it feels normal to them, but when the boss is a female, it somehow feels wrong. Intimidating men are Alphas. Intimidating women are—well, you fill in the blank. There are a few tactics you can try to reduce that perception, but ultimately you are still going to be you and you are still going to be female—and there is very little you can do to change either of those things. I will share a couple of tips in a moment.

First things first. You need to ask your boss how important this feedback is and how much effort he thinks you need to put into changing your MO to reduce the intimidating impact you have on others. You may be over-focusing on it. You need to find out if it will be a deal breaker when it comes to your promotion—and you should try to find out exactly what you do that makes people feel intimidated by you. It may be something you are completely unaware of. Perhaps you interrupt people or cut people off if you disagree with what they are saying. Maybe you roll your eyes when someone says something you think is stupid. Perhaps you use subtle language that telegraphs your judgment of others. Or maybe you do none of these things. But if there are one or two specific little things you can stop doing, it will make it easier for you to choose how to change.

Here are some small things you might think about doing to try to reduce your intimidation factor.

• My experience of females who get this kind of feedback is that it isn’t as much that you are intimidating as it is that there are people out there who are easily intimidated. You probably have a lot of energy and can be laser-focused on the matter at hand to the exclusion of paying attention to the people around you. So spend some time noticing the people you work with, their personalities, and their communication styles. Both men and women expect women to be more interested in the details of their lives. Is this fair? No, it is not. But it is the reality, so in your no-nonsense way, get over it. The more you can learn about what is important to your people—kids, sports, cooking, dogs—and connect with them over those topics, the more they will warm up to you. This may be boring to you, but think of it as part of your job. Spending five minutes before launching into problem solving to ask people how their weekend was, how their kid is who got Covid, or how the soccer game went goes a long way toward making you a little more human. It will be a stretch for you, but if you breathe and listen, you can do it.
• Remember that you came wired with a force field around you. People feel it when you walk into a room. When working with a team, especially with people who don’t know you yet, you can make yourself a little bit more accessible by simply explaining: “I move very quickly and tend to focus on solving problems and getting things done. It isn’t personal, and if I move too fast, you should let me know. I am always interested in what you have to say. And though I may seem stern, I am fair and will always tell you the truth.”
• I hate to say it, but I have learned this one the hard way. This is especially true in the US, but it is also universal, and I have worked with men on this, too: Smile. Smile when you greet people. If you are happy to see people, tell your face. Smile when you are listening to people—not a big fat smile, but not the frown you probably wear when you are listening for problems and your wheels are turning a mile a minute. Thank people for their hard work, acknowledge them for a job well done, and smile when you deliver the message. It is a tiny thing and will be a new habit, but it will probably make the biggest difference.
• Watch your language and your sense of humor. I once worked with a female leader who, upon hearing about a big mistake, would say things like “Who did that? Heads will roll,” and “I need to know what throats to choke.” She was always (kind of) kidding, but people were terrified of her and would not escalate problems appropriately. Her entire unit was chaos.

It sounds like you run a tight ship, and your region probably runs like a well-oiled machine. The key is to remember that your people are not simply cogs in that machine.

Part of being a senior leader is knowing how to bring out the best in people and to make them trust that you care about them and have their backs. There is an interesting thought piece that just came out about the disastrous impact Elon Musk is having at Twitter and how out of touch he is with the expectations of modern leaders. The most important assets of any of today’s companies are its people. People stay with companies when they feel like they matter. It is really that simple.

So you can be the smartest person in the room, and as direct and no-nonsense as you are, while still sending the message that you care about each person you are working with. You will probably still be intimidating to some because of your exceptional competence. But at least people will know you are on their side and are using your superpowers for good.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team in a large company that recently went to an Unlimited PTO policy. I am glad, because tracking and trying to get people to take their PTO was a pain.

So far, it has worked pretty well. The policy is that people need to request holiday time in advance, mainly so I can cover for people and not have too many people out at the same time. As a team we try to stagger summer holidays and take turns being on call for the big ones that everyone takes, summer Fridays, etc.

My problem is one of my team members—I will call her “S”—who calls in sick almost every Monday. I didn’t really notice it until it started to happen regularly. I also have noticed that she never accepts Monday meetings. Other team members are making jokes about how we can’t have certain meetings on Mondays if S needs to be there.

When S comes in on Tuesdays, I can smell the alcohol on her. I suspect she is partying so hard on the weekends that it bleeds into Mondays and she thinks that is okay. I actually don’t know if that’s true, but something really feels off about this. Thoughts?

Monday Madness

______________________________________________________________

Dear Monday Madness,

Something is off. When other team members start cracking jokes about something, it is your cue that it is long past time to address it.

I can only assume you have an HR business partner, so you need to check in with that person to get the details on the Unlimited PTO policy. Most require the employee to clear PTO with the manager in advance (as you mentioned), and a doctor’s note is required for extended time off due to illness. The whole idea behind PTO is to give people the flexibility and freedom they need to manage their lives and choose how to manage their time to get their work done.

The fact that you and your team are having to schedule around S is an indication that she is using the policy incorrectly—so you must step in. Her cavalier “I just don’t work on Mondays” thing is way out of bounds and you need to put a stop to it pronto. The reasons ultimately don’t matter. If S actually is dealing with an illness, she needs to tell you and work with you to manage her schedule and properly support her in getting the help she needs.

The question of her smelling of alcohol is a separate issue. If she is partying like a maniac, it isn’t really your business unless it keeps her from showing up to work. And you don’t know if that is the case, even though it might seem that way. You can be prepared to share information about mental health and substance abuse support if your company has an EAP program in case S reveals anything that makes that appropriate.

There is a good possibility S is just confused about what Unlimited PTO really means.

Get the facts, get some solid language from HR, practice if you feel shaky, and then say what needs to be said without blame or judgment. Be clear with S about what is required and what is unacceptable. And offer appropriate help if it is needed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am the CEO of a small but rapidly growing global employee relocation services organization. It is a complicated business. One of the complexities is that employment laws are different in every country and they change constantly.

Our chief legal counsel is very talented and business savvy. But when we are trying to land new business, when time is of the essence, she never seems to be able to review contracts in a timely manner. She has the largest team by far on the cost side of the business and she doesn’t delegate well. When she thinks her people are overwhelmed she takes over their tasks, which I think is ridiculous because she has her own very critical time sensitive work that needs tending to. My top salespeople get frustrated and call me and then I have to call her out, which creates a lot of tension.

I want to talk to her about this but I am stuck. I just don’t think someone at her level (not to mention her salary) should need her CEO to talk to her about how she is managing her time.

Replacing her is not an attractive proposition. This is a highly specialized industry and she does know a lot. When she actually focuses, she is brilliant and has helped us avoid a lot of challenges. But something must change. Thoughts?

Sick of Babysitting

_________________________________________________________

Dear Sick of Babysitting,

This does sound frustrating, but you have everything you need to rectify this situation.

One obstacle you can clear easily is your own attitude, which sounds roughly like: “I shouldn’t have to provide direction to someone this senior who is so well paid.” You are not alone. This mindset is pervasive. I hear it all day long—and I get it, I really do. But it is the natural result of the fact that people tend to be promoted because they are smart, hardworking, and technically excellent in their area of expertise—not because they are good managers or particularly talented businesspeople.

You are the CEO and it is your responsibility to make sure each person on your executive team:

1.  is crystal clear on their priorities, and
2. demonstrates that they have arranged what they focus on and how they allocate their resources (time, people, budget) in ways that are aligned with those priorities.

This essentially bypasses any confusion about what senior level, highly compensated employees should or should not be able to do. If such people are not doing what you think they should be doing, in the way you want it done and in the proper time frame, it is almost always because they either don’t understand the priorities (or don’t think they are important), they disagree with your priorities, or they simply don’t know how.

If the situation you describe continues, you can ask these branching questions:

• “Are the priorities clear?”
  • If the answer is no, repeat them. If it is yes, then ask:
• “Do you disagree with these priorities?”
  •  If yes, listen carefully, discuss, and find some middle ground. If no, then ask:
• “Do you need some help with figuring out how to align with them?”
  • If no, great, you can expect to see specific changes and you can brainstorm ways to track accountability for these changes. If yes, brainstorm what would be most helpful.

If it seems she can’t figure it out and does need some help, you can provide her with training or a coach or spend a little time with her yourself.

All this needs to be done without any blame or judgment on your part, so you will probably have to practice some self-regulation. It will help if you can convince yourself of the fundamental truth that just because you think someone should know something doesn’t mean they will.

From what you shared, it seems that your CLC’s priority is taking care of her own people, which is admirable, but serving her internal customers should be at least equally as important.

This plan assumes that the two of you have a decent relationship and that she will feel safe enough to tell you the truth. If you don’t think that will be the case, you may want to look at the possibility that you have built a culture of fear, and your direct executive team has stopped challenging you. This would mean you have a bigger problem: you have surrounded yourself with yes-men and yes-women and are flying blind. Let’s follow up on that if you think it might be true.

To put it in a nutshell, get over yourself and help out your legal eagle.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have had a film/video production business with a cofounder and partner for about seven years. We have been friends since college. I am the business operations and sales guy; my partner is the creative one. Some difficulties in our company were coming to a head right before Covid hit. We ended up taking quite a long hiatus because of Covid and are now back in the trenches. All the problems we had previously are now intensified, and I am beginning to think I need to just walk away.

My partner—I will call him K—has become increasingly unstable. I am now seeing that what drives his terrible behavior is anxiety, which ramped up during the pandemic and is now really interfering with our work. When I bring in new projects, even though he participated fully in creating the plan so I could price it and staff it, he calls and yells questions at me. On jobs, he contradicts himself so that our employees and contractors get confused and make mistakes. Then he yells at people, telling them they are incompetent. He has fired a few people who were completely adequate. Of course I am the one left to clean up the mess, talk people off the ledge, make excuses for him, and find new people to replace the ones he fired for no reason.

I am worried someone will sue us. He is often rude to clients and has put many different projects at risk. I know there is always a bit of an expectation that creative people are volatile—but his extreme behavior is ruining the business and my life.

He is brilliant when he isn’t acting nuts. I have spoken to his wife about it, and we both agree he needs to get help and, hopefully, medication. I am not really sure how to proceed. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Tired of Cleaning Up the Mess

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Tired,

My heart aches for you. This is an old friendship, your professional reputation, and your livelihood all wrapped up in one big disaster.

When it comes to mental health topics I am way out of my league, so I can’t advise on what exactly is wrong with K. However, I have had a fair amount of experience with people who struggle with anxiety and are affected by unreasonable behavior so I can certainly empathize with how tricky dealing with this situation can be.

The very short story here is that you must take care of the business, yourself, and, as much as is possible, K. In that order.

The longer story is this: If you weren’t tied up in business with K, and literally at his mercy in terms of your clients, your employees, and your income, you could draw some boundaries and leave it at that. But in this situation you are essentially being forced to do something. You just can’t allow this situation to continue or, God forbid, get even worse.

It is good that you have K’s wife’s support, because I think the two of you will have to sit down with K and have the hard “you need help” conversation. In some circles it might be called a psychological intervention. Again, this is not really my field, so you might consider hiring a consultant who knows what they are doing to help the two of you plan and execute something that could work. You might consult the National Association for Mental Illness (NAMI) website to get more information and find resources.

If you are thinking, “Oh no! I don’t think things are that bad,” I say, “Think again, my friend.” What you have described is not okay, and you must put a stop to it. The one thing I know from experience is that we all tend to normalize behavior that is out of bounds in an effort to keep the peace and not rock the boat. We do this until there is an incident that we can’t normalize, and you are headed straight for one of those. There will be a lawsuit—or worse, someone will get hurt or feel threatened enough to call 911. Please don’t wait for that.

Sit down and make a list of all the incidents you can remember where K’s irrational behavior caused loss of time, money, or staff members. It will probably shock you, and that would be a good thing. You need those concrete examples to make a coherent case for need for a change.

In the meantime, you need a Plan B. Explore potential partnerships with other creative talent who can step in, either as a stop gap or permanently, to keep your business going. Review your legal agreements to see what you can do to protect yourself in case K quits in a huff or needs to take time off.

I understand your desire to walk away. If you and K weren’t such longtime friends, you probably already would have. But you clearly feel an obligation to your partnership and to the friendship, so you will regret it if you don’t at least try to impact this situation. It might end up costing you, but if you have your ducks in a row, at least it won’t cost you the business. You will be sad but not destitute.

If you don’t take action, you could easily end up losing everything you have built. There is simply no other option in the face of a brewing mental health crisis.

Not the answer you were looking for, I am sure. I am so sorry.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage three large global teams. They do similar customer service, but for different product lines. They all have very seasoned team leads and produce excellent results.

Our business really took off because of the pandemic and we implemented a data-driven way to measure results that has worked well. For a long time there was friendly competition among the three teams, but we always felt like one department. People would cover for each other and even go out of their way to help colleagues on other teams when appropriate.

Recently, though, it seems that the competition has gotten less friendly—to the point that one team lead just accused another of sabotaging his team’s big push for the end of Q2.

It is very hard to assess whether or not the accusation is true. To really get to the bottom of things I would have to mount an inquiry, interview people, and probably get HR involved. I don’t know if I really want to do that. I’m not sure I have the skills or want to spend time on it. I also wonder if something else is going on here. All three teams had excellent Q2 results, regardless.

Would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Out of My Depth

_________________________________________________________________             

Dear Out of My Depth,

You can never underestimate the capacity of human beings to find ways to create tribal conflict with groups perceived as “other.” In the paper Tribalism is Human Nature, the researchers state: “We conclude that tribal bias is a natural and nearly ineradicable feature of human cognition and that no group—not even one’s own—is immune.”

Without knowing details about the actual accusation, any evidence that was provided to support it, or any harm done, it is hard for me to formulate an intelligent response. I wonder, for instance, what exactly the accuser wants you to do about the allegations. What redress is sought?

The whole thing puts you in an untenable position of referee—or worse, judge and jury. If, in fact, the accuser is expecting some kind of retribution, you will have to get HR involved. You could be at risk of a lawsuit.

If it is more at the level of he-said-she-said petty squabbling, perhaps you can choose to pull all three team leads together. Do a big reset in an attempt to get past this and back to the more cooperative all-for-one, one-for-all culture you had before. You might take the time with your leads to walk through the tenets of trustworthiness. Here is a terrific article on the behaviors you could all commit to moving forward: The 10 Commandments of Communication to Build Trust.

Another thought: I learned a long time ago from a pair of gifted coaches, Paul and Layne Cutright, that people are never upset for the reason they think they are. This means your accuser may be upset about something his co-lead did that he either hasn’t admitted to himself or is having a hard time articulating. To get to the bottom of it, you could ask questions like:

• What upsets you most about what happened?
• What do you think might be done to prevent something like this in the future?
• What do you think was going on that caused things to go the way they did?

Just keep asking questions until something useful is revealed. When people perceive a lack of fairness, they often behave irrationally. You might learn that the accuser felt he was being treated unfairly in some way.

The one thing you don’t want to do is ignore the situation. You will have to assess whether things are ugly enough to bring in the professionals (HR) or whether it would make sense to have both team leads engage in dialogue to find a way to get back on an even keel. The Cutrights developed an excellent process to use for a heart-to-heart conversation that can help both parties get all thoughts and feelings out on the table. I will put that process at the end of my response.

Once you have addressed the situation, you will need to rebuild with your team leads and make clear that anything other than cooperation will not be tolerated. That is your job as a leader.

Good luck!

Love Madeleine

PS: Here’s more on the Heart to Heart Process by Paul and Layne Cutright.

Heart-to-Heart Talks, adapted from Layne and Paul Cutright’s book Straight From the Heart

If the participants are committed to the health and success of the relationship and approach this process with a desire to be authentic and vulnerable, this can be a powerful way to discuss difficult issues and allow everyone to be heard.

The process involves three rounds of discussions and the speaker and listener have very specific roles. The speaker has to use a series of lead-in statements that structure the context of how they express their thoughts and emotions. In order to let the speaker know they have been heard and understood, and to allow additional information to be shared, the listener can only respond with the following statements:

The first round involves a series of Discovery statements designed to create openness among the participants and to learn more about each other’s perspectives. The speaker can use the following sentence starters:

The second round comprises Clearing statements that allow for the release of fears, anxiety, and stress, and to increase trust. The speaker can use the following sentence stems:

The third round involves Nurturing statements that create mental and emotional well-being in the relationship. These statements allow the participants to put closure to the difficult issues that were shared and to express appreciation for each other that sets the stage for moving forward in a positive fashion. The speaker can use the following phrases:

The facilitator can structure the process in a number of ways, but the important thing is to establish a rhythm for each round where the speaker gets a defined amount of time to share (using the lead-in statements) and the listener responds after each statement. It’s important for the listener to respond each time because it sets the proper rhythm for the discussion and validates the thoughts being shared by the speaker. The speaker should be encouraged to share whatever comes to mind without censoring their thoughts or saying what they think the other person wants to hear. If the speaker can’t think of anything to share, they can say “blank” and then repeat one of the sentence starters. Encourage the participants to keep the process moving and the thoughts will flow more quickly. At the conclusion of the three rounds, it’s important to close the discussion with a recap of the desired outcomes and any action items the participants want to pursue.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I have a problem with lying. Yes. I am a liar.

But I’m not a compulsive liar by any means. What I mean is for a long while I’ve been thinking about little lies that most everyone I know so easily uses—and it bugs me a lot. I’ve analyzed how these “little white lies” suck energy out of the people who use them, meaning the actual liars.

Now I’ve developed a kind of comfort in telling little white lies. Then sometimes, a little bigger lie slips in out of fear of hurting a coworker or family member, or losing a client (new fees or increase in prices).

It is bothering me. What do you think? Should I just roll with it, or is it a problem?

Liar Liar

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Liar Liar,

First, can I say how much I appreciate your self-awareness and being willing to tell yourself the truth. That might be half the battle. I think a lot of people who lie are lying to themselves first.

It really is not for me to say. I am not the judge or jury, or in the position to take some kind of moral stance. I do want to point out the language you use: “I have a problem with lying,” and “it is bothering me.” Language is revealing. If you think you have a problem, you have a problem. If it is bugging you, it is bugging you.

Lying just becomes a habit for some people. The original reflex is rooted in the mistaken thought that lying makes life easier, smooths the way, keeps the peace. And that might be true, short term. There are some white lies that just grease the wheels of life. But if you lie once to your Aunt Mildred about loving her meatloaf, you can count on seeing that meatloaf for the rest of Aunt Mildred’s life. If I were your Aunt Mildred, I would much prefer to serve you something that actually gives you pleasure.

So in terms of your white lies, you need to think of the long-term consequences and how important it is that the people you care about trust that what you say is true.

Trust is the bigger issue. I had a dear lifelong friend who I realized early on was a compulsive liar. I just knew to never believe a word he said. So I loved him, but I didn’t trust him. I never depended on him for anything. In some ways, I could see how it served him: he designed his life so that he never had to think about anyone but himself. I get that. It is one way to go. But if your own lies are bugging you, it is probably not the right way for you.

You have to decide for yourself if it is important, in terms of your self-concept, that family, friends, and business partners really trust you. Do you want to be a WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) person? It could mean a short-term hit, but may be better in the long run.

When my kids were little, I learned about the concept of under promise/ overdeliver in my coaching program. Essentially, it leads to situations in which you will never disappointment someone. My kids would wheedle me to promise stuff, and I would always say “Look, I can’t make that promise. I’ll do my best to ensure it will actually happen, but a lot of details are out of my hands. When I do make a promise, you can be sure I’ll keep it unless I am in the ER or dead.” I think it gave them a sense of security because they knew with certainty what they could and could not expect.

The other to thing to think about is your memory. I always thought I would never be a good spy because my memory is so weirdly selective and I am much more likely to remember the truth and lose track of my lies. So I just decided at a certain point in my life not to lie, because it was the only way I could be 100% certain that I would never be caught out and embarrassed.

There are ways to tell the truth that will minimize hurt feelings. You don’t have to say “I hate meatloaf,” you can just say, “I prefer your lemon chicken.” My husband is a genius—he figured out early on never to answer the “do I look fat in these pants” question. Some questions just have no winning answer. He came up with “those pants aren’t doing you any favors.”

In terms of clients, and pricing, you might want to think about always telling the truth but making special deals for long-term customers. Something along the lines of “We are raising the rates for all new customers but will be offering you your same rate for the next six months because you are such a great customer.”

From a coaching point of view, it is ultimately about choice and cost. Who do you choose to be? What do you want to be responsible for remembering? Do you want to go short-term easy or long-term trusted relationship? What does it cost you to lie? What would it cost you to tell the truth? Is the cost worth the payoff? Right now it seems like the cost may not be worth it to you because it is taking some kind of toll.

In the end, I am a fan of decisions that will decrease the noise in my head even if they inconvenience someone else. Take all of this into consideration and make some decisions.

I think you already know what you want to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team that has been working together for a long time, although one person recently left. Her replacement is a new high performer who is settling nicely into the job. He has all the experience and skills we were looking for, but he hasn’t quite figured out our culture or the accepted communication norms in our organization.

When I give him feedback on his communications to make them more aligned with expectations, he gets really defensive. The last time I did this he said, “I do good work; I think you’re too picky.” I was taken aback and didn’t say anything, because nothing I could think of saying would have been appropriate. I am not used to an employee talking to me that way.

Ultimately, it is my job to give him feedback to help him be successful here, and I don’t think it is appropriate for him to make personal observations about me. I am not picky, really, but I know my boss and the executive team are. They have expectations about the way my team does things that they have made clear.

How do I approach this? I am not sure quite where to start.

Dealing with a Defensive Direct Report

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Dealing with a Defensive Direct Report,

You are right on both counts: it is your job to give your people feedback so that they can be as successful as possible in their jobs, and it is not appropriate for anyone at work to make personal observations about you.

Shut. It. Down.

It is your job to swiftly and clearly put up the hand and make clear that you will not tolerate that kind of response in the future. If you don’t, your new team member will assume that what feels normal to him is okay with you.

You were wise not to get defensive right back. (I can’t believe you didn’t say “excuse me?”) You are obviously thoughtful and have good self-regulation.

Now leverage that thoughtfulness to prepare for a conversation with your direct report. Think through the messages you want to get across. Choose the most important points and start with them. In your case, it might look something like this:

1. My job is to give you feedback so that you can be as successful as possible in your job. I need to be able to offer you the guidance you need to be successful without being worried that you are going to get defensive and make personal observations about me.
2. If you are not willing to take feedback and use it, we may have a problem.
3. You are certainly allowed to disagree with me, but you must treat me with respect.
4. Of course you do good work—if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be working here. But there is a difference between my giving you feedback on details and my giving you a wholesale critique of your work in general.
5. The feedback I give you is directly related to the expectations and standards of my boss and the executive team. Yes, I am picky around things that I know others in the organization are picky about.
6. Our team’s purpose is internal customer service, and it is important that we all use a consistent approach with all of our communications.

I am sure I got some details wrong in these examples; suffice to say the more to the point and succinct you can be, the easier it will be for you to get through the feedback and for him to understand it. It might also be a good idea to write it all out and send him the summary in an email, so you begin a record of the interactions.

If it turns out that your direct report refuses to use feedback to meet expectations and continues his defensiveness and hostility, you will want a clear trail of evidence. No matter how good someone’s work is, there is no reason to tolerate disrespect.

You could take another approach entirely, of course, and go in with questions to get to the bottom of the defensiveness and possibly get insight into what is prompting the behavior.

Questions:

• How might I frame feedback for you in a way that makes it easier for you to accept?
• Clearly it is important to you to do good work; how can I help you to make sure it is exceptional?
• Help me understand what makes you think I am too picky.

But on second thought, no. I think the questions might be the continuation of point #2:

• If you are not willing to take feedback and use it, we may have a problem. We can talk about what I can do differently to make that easier for you.

I really think the first order of business is to be unequivocally clear about what is and what is not okay with you. You are the boss and no one else can do it for you. If you don’t do it now, your new DDR will just keep pushing you around until you have no influence over the quality of his work. And you will have allowed it to happen.

Harsh? Probably. There are very few things we have control over in life, but this situation is one of them.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I get no feedback.

I like my job, my boss, the team I work with, and my company. At every annual review I write my own review first and my manager adds her two cents, always pointing out ways I contribute that I hadn’t thought about or had forgotten. So I do get feedback, and it is always positive, which is nice.

I realize this sounds crazy, but I want more constructive feedback so I can grow and get better. I guess I want to be more challenged.

How can I go about getting more feedback without seeming dissatisfied?

Wanting More

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wanting More,

You don’t sound crazy. You sound lucky. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate your position, because it is a rare one: Your boss obviously thinks you are great and is totally happy with the job you are doing.

And—I get it. It sounds like you might be a little bored.

I think your first stop is your boss. Tell her you are looking for a challenge and you either want to get better at the job you are doing or maybe take on something new. You can be crystal clear that you aren’t unhappy or dissatisfied, just wanting to shake things up a little. The ideal time for this is at your annual review; but if that seems too far away, you can ask for a meeting. I am surprised your manager hasn’t checked in with you about your dreams, your job satisfaction, your career aspirations.

Another thought is to ask your colleagues, teammates, and internal and (if applicable) external customers for feedback to see if there is anything you could do that would make working with you easier. You could simply ask:

• Is there anything you wish I would start or stop doing?
• Is there anything you wish I did more or less of?
• Is there anything you think I should know that could make me more effective or help me add more value?

You never know what you might find out.

I guess it is always possible that there is something you do that stops people from offering suggestions or developmental feedback. Is it possible that in the past you have become defensive? Only you can know the answer to that, and it will serve you to admit the truth to yourself. If you think this might be the case, make sure you go into asking for feedback with an open mind. It takes some grace to accept feedback that might be a surprise or feel personal.

Prepare to respond to anything you hear with one of three options:

• Thank you.
• I understand.
• Tell me more.

This will ensure that people who have the courage to tell you something they think you need to hear will feel heard and won’t feel punished for going out on a limb.

There is also a big difference between seeking/hearing feedback and making a decision to actually do something with it. One way of rewarding people for giving you feedback is to loop back with them and let them know what you are doing with their advice. If you choose not to do anything, you can just tuck it away for future reference.

Remember also that feedback always says more about the person giving it than the person getting it. So write everything down. Give yourself some space and time to absorb, process, and decide what is going to make a difference to your success and what isn’t. Resolve to take nothing personally.

You might be opening a can of worms here, so you will want to be prepared for that. Or maybe you are like Mary Poppins—“practically perfect in every way”—wouldn’t that be grand? If that is the case, your next step will be to figure out if you are, in fact, bored and what goals you might set next to create your next challenge.

Thanks for asking such a surprising question.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I want to be a rock star at my job. I have always been driven and ambitious—but now, a few years into a professional job after college and grad school, I find myself a bit at sea. I work in a big company and I love what I do.

Here’s the problem. My boss checks “meets expectations” on all counts at my regular performance reviews. I want to get “exceeds expectations” on all counts, but I can’t get to the bottom of what that means. I see myself as getting to VP level quickly and having a shot at C-Level, but unless I can understand what that actually takes, I can’t make a plan.

Thoughts?

Want to Be a Rock Star

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Want to Be a Rock Star,

What a great question this is. I have often wondered the same thing, mainly because it seems like a mystery to everyone.

Ultimately, the only person whose opinion you really need on this topic is your boss’s. So first, I suggest you interview your boss and find out what “exceeds expectations” means to them. You don’t want to go out and do a bunch of extra stuff that’s not the right stuff or that causes static in their world.

I do think the reason this is such a mystery is because most bosses don’t know what their expectations actually are, let alone what it might mean for someone to exceed them. So don’t be surprised if asking your boss doesn’t shed much light—they may not know what “exceeds expectations” looks like until they see it.

Some questions to ask your boss might be:

• Have you ever had a direct report who consistently exceeded expectations? If yes, what did they do that made them stand out?
• Is there any way I don’t live up to your expectations? Have I ever failed to live up to expectations in the past and wasn’t told?
• What exactly would it take for me to exceed expectations in these different areas?

I spent a week asking all of the senior executives I know what it means to them when a team member exceeds expectations. Here is a synthesis of what I heard:

Generally, an employee who exceeds expectations:

• Shows up to 1×1’s prepared to discuss all tasks and goals with clear requests for direction, re-direction, ideas, requests for resources. They show respect for their manager’s time by having thought in advance about what they want or need.
• Thinks things through—when they run into an obstacle, they troubleshoot and come up with ideas for possible solutions rather than just presenting the manager with a problem to solve.
• Never complains, never makes excuses—if something isn’t working or they can’t complete a task, they surface the situation matter-of-factly and share ideas about what they might need to get back on track.
• Does what they say they are going to do without being reminded.
• Meets deadlines and doesn’t procrastinate. When a big, high-stakes project is approaching deadline, they get their work done as far as they can and present it to the manager and others for input and feedback with plenty of time to iterate and make changes so the final product is next level.
• Submits work that has been proofed. They take the time to review their work for errors or inconsistencies. This doesn’t mean they never make mistakes, it means any errors they make are from lack of experience or knowledge, not from turning in sloppy work that was rushed through.
• Pays attention to what is going on around them and connects the dots in the event it isn’t obvious.
• Goes out of their way to support coworkers, spends time helping new people, volunteers for tasks that aren’t necessarily part of their job but that make a contribution to the team. For example, one person shared: “when our organization rolled out a new software system we all hated, one of my people spent time over the weekend watching tutorials on YouTube and then shared a bunch of tips, tricks, and shortcuts with the whole team at our next staff meeting. That was above and beyond. Everyone else, including me, just whined about how unintuitive the platform was. She made all of us pull up our socks and get on with it.”
• Figures out where to go to get things done. They take the time to look at the organization around them, what people’s job roles are, and what matters to them. They go out of their way to create relationships with all types of people and make the effort to understand what they do. If they don’t know how to do something, they tap their network until they find someone who does.
• This seems obvious, but they are always on time, always ready to work, always on camera, bright and shiny. It isn’t that they don’t have bad days. Everyone does. They just don’t let a bad day get in the way of getting the job done.

One person put it succinctly: “They have high attention to detail, and they get things done on time without fuss.” Anything you can do that will make your boss’s job easier is always a good idea—taking on extra projects, going the extra mile, submitting excellent work that doesn’t need extensive revisions.

Finally, keep careful track of what you do. There is always a good chance your boss will forget the times you went above and beyond. When the time comes, submit an accurate, detailed record of everything so your boss will have no choice but to give you the highest possible rating. Anytime a direct report does this, I am always a little astonished at everything they have done; especially when they are the kind of person who makes it look easy.

These ideas should get you on your way. In terms of your ambition to get to the very top, I will tell you that becoming an expert at anything you do will help. Be disciplined about never complaining or gossiping about people. Also, creating and nurturing a wide and deep network of diverse relationships will always help, never hurt.

Rock on, my dear. I have a feeling you will get where you want to go!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Can someone be a great leader and not be self-aware?

I believe all great leaders are self-aware. If you don’t know how your behaviors affect others, it’s difficult to lead successfully. Furthermore, leaders who aren’t self-aware can cause significant damage. The news is filled with reports about highly visible executives (I hesitate to call them leaders) who lack self-awareness and the damage they cause to their people and their companies. Their stories have unhappy endings.

The Two Parts of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is foundational to inspiring leadership. It has two parts. The first part is being able to observe your own feelings and thoughts and their relationship. It’s challenging to do and requires observation and patience. The second part is being aware of how you affect others and how they perceive you. Observing your thoughts is an internal knowing. Being aware of your impact on others is an external knowing.

If you want to be an inspiring leader, you must have some degree of mastery over both parts of self-awareness. You need to know what’s important to you, why it’s important, what triggers you, and what your values are. When you have answers for these elements, you will be able to intentionally influence people—a key requirement of leadership.

Internal Knowing

• Gain internal knowing by expanding your feelings vocabulary. To gain a better understanding of your internal self-awareness, a best practice is to develop an extensive feelings vocabulary—descriptive words for emotions that help you accurately identify what you are feeling and why. It helps you move aware from vague explanations of “I am upset” to “I am disappointed and discouraged.” If you have difficulty describing what you are feeling, you may have a limited understanding of your emotions and difficulty taking appropriate action as a result. For some leaders who are less in touch with their emotions, this will require a lot of intentional practice.

Being able to identify an emotion is powerful. When you can describe it, you can name it, tame it (by understanding what actions might help minimize or address the feeling), and ideally reframe it—because it now feels manageable.

One way we help our coaching clients is to provide a vocabulary sheet for them to refer to a set number of times throughout the day to identify what they’re feeling in the moment. There’s a big difference, for example, between frustrated and disappointed, between stressed and panicking, and between content and proud. The vocabulary sheet helps the person become more self-aware and teaches them how to accurately describe their emotions and take appropriate action.

• Gain internal knowing through rightsizing emotions. Rightsizing emotions is another one of my favorite strategies. It’s best described through an example most can relate to: Someone cuts you off in traffic and you become enraged. You ask yourself if the intensity of your emotion is appropriate to what just happened and if your emotion is helpful. In this situation, your emotion is doing nothing but giving you high blood pressure. It’s not changing anything in the world. The best thing to do is to rightsize your rage—decrease it to a mild frustration—and let the anger go because it’s not serving you.

When you feel an intense emotion, first think, “Why does this feel so intense for me?” Then, “Is this intensity going to create a helpful outcome?” If the answer is yes, think about the outcome you want. If the answer is no, think about a more appropriate emotion or one that would be more helpful in helping you achieve your desired outcome.

Variations of this scenario happen at work all the time. Someone hurts you and you feel righteous anger for a while—maybe days or even weeks. Once you learn to look at the intensity of your emotion and determine the outcome you want, you can move past the emotion. The next step would be to either move on or address the issue—ideally, with the person who caused the hurt.

External Knowing

• Gain external knowing through a 360 assessment. One of the best ways to become more self-aware is to learn what people truly think about you. Most leaders don’t take the time to get feedback. They assume they know what would be said—and it’s surprising how often they are off track.

A multi-rater 360 is a fantastic way to improve self-awareness. It allows people to provide anonymous feedback, which increases accuracy. The feedback is gathered in a consistent manner and grouped together so it is nearly impossible for you, the leader, to identify who gave what rating. The pooling of perceptions can also help you be more detached from the results, allowing you to have a clear picture of how you are perceived and what you might want to do about it.

• Gain external knowing through interviews. Have an objective third party act as a surrogate multi-rater. You might choose an executive coach who does not work in your organization. They interview your key stakeholders and keep all answers confidential. Then they summarize the answers to protect anonymity and share with you what they find.

Don’t assume you know what they’re going to discover. Even though the information people share through this confidential approach is often very surprising, leaders usually appreciate being informed than being kept in the dark.

The Unexpected Rewards of Becoming More Self-Aware

The rewards of becoming more self-aware are significant. When you are aware of your feelings, you can rightsize them. You can pivot easily. You can work better with difficult people. When you know the affect you have on others and how they perceive you, you can entertain different perspectives of a situation. You can be an inspiring leader. You are in a place of choice.

Being self-aware brings tremendous freedom. And that makes you a better human and a better leader.

“Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lie our growth and our happiness.”

This is one of my favorite quotes, most often attributed to Viktor E. Frankl, Holocaust survivor and author of Man’s Search for Meaning. It holds an answer to managing negativity in the workplace. But first, I want to be clear about negative thoughts and emotions.

It’s okay to feel anger, worry, and sadness. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to get upset. We all experience a spectrum of feelings throughout the day. It’s normal. Besides, the more we squash negative emotions, the more they appear. But we can learn how to respond when we want to hold onto those negative emotions.

The first step is to acknowledge that we all feel big feelings, then feel compassion for yourself when you have them and, eventually, for others when they do.

Recognize Negative Tendencies

We all have natural negative tendencies and thought patterns. So don’t beat yourself up—or at least try not to. Recognize these leanings and attempt to catch yourself before you go into your habitual swirl of doom. You know what that looks like. You might be one of those who identify what’s wrong before you recognize what’s going well. Perhaps you like to vent—a lot. Or, if you are like me, you get defensive when you get feedback and see it as a criticism. These knee-jerk reactions can go completely unnoticed by us because they are ingrained habits and impulses—learned behaviors we acquired long before we were functioning adults.

The key is to acknowledge a feeling and then identify if your reaction to it will be helpful or unhelpful. We obviously don’t want to act out negatively or do something that’s hurtful. But sometimes our natural tendency does exactly that.

I’ll give you an example. Last week I was triggered by one of my colleagues who provided input on a strategy document I wrote. The comments, I felt, were not useful. Instead of dismissing them as a reflection of the person’s own issues, I was triggered and unleashed. I felt annoyed and wanted others to feel my irritation and validate my frustration. So I immediately texted and called a couple of my closest colleagues and complained. I distracted myself from the issue at hand and got wrapped up in a negative cycle of judgment and griping. And while my peers understood and empathized, I can only imagine that my rant did not put a positive spin on their day; perhaps it even impacted them later on. It was not an issue that I was triggered, but it was that I let it play out with my teammates and truly created a negative work environment. Not helpful and not fair—to myself, my peers, or that clueless colleague who was trying to give me some honest feedback.

Don’t Gossip

Here is a confession: I struggle with gossip. I want to follow the Golden Rule. If I hear someone speaking negatively about someone or something else, I don’t want to participate or share a juicy story of my own. But I usually do. I sympathize and likely continue enabling the rumor mill. Why? I also struggle with being direct, so gossip is an easier way for me to process my feelings. Great job, Brit, on being self-aware. But I need to take this a bit further.

Really, the better course of action is to either not participate or change the subject. Have more empathy and compassion for those who are at the center of the story. We are all just trying to do the best we can with the information we are presented with at the time.

Goodbye to Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity is as bad as gossiping. It can be used to gloss over any unpleasant truths in the workplace. Rarely are statements such as “it could be worse” or “don’t stress” or “look on the bright side” helpful to the individual who is having a bad day, for whatever justified or unjustified reason. Toxic positively feels a bit like gaslighting—as if the other person’s feelings don’t matter or aren’t appropriate.

As with gossip, the answer is empathy and compassion. How do you show empathy and compassion? Through listening with the intent to understand, validating those strong emotions, and offering support—even if it’s just an ear.

Flip the Negative Script

A very close friend of mine and I work together. We use a technique to manage negativity so we can help each other share strong feelings but also get some forward momentum. If this person calls wanting to air out grievances, I ask, “Do you want to talk to Work Britney or Friend Britney?” My response is different based on who this person wants to talk to. If it’s Work Britney, I’ll say something like, “Want to work out a solution together?” If she is looking for a friend, I’ll say, “Dude, that stinks. I’m here for you.”

You can use this technique with your people. Let them know you’re going to wear different hats based on their need. This way, you can either play the role of boss or lend a friendly ear. I’ve asked my leaders in the past to do this. It’s helped me be able to share my feelings and then make a plan–which often means being more direct with the object of my aggravation.

Find a Release Valve—A Healthy One

People call work a “pressure cooker” for good reason—we all need a release valve. But you need to find one that works for you. Maybe it’s journaling, or exercise, or yoga—whatever helps you process the big feelings. But watch out. Doom scrolling, gossip, toxic positivity, and other nefarious habits that cause more self-harm may seem to be effective release valves, but they clearly only perpetuate the negative cycle on yourself and others.

Set the Tone

Leaders have more influence than they realize. Just consider that a poor relationship with a leader is the top reason people leave a job. You can flip this dynamic on its head by asking people how they are doing, what problems they are facing, what’s their biggest challenge.

Just as important, you can set the tone for these conversations. Instead of focusing on the negative, you can ask people about their big wins in the past week. I recently asked my people what their best day at work was in the past six months. Smiles began appearing on every face. Their brains were working hard. Then they shared great stories—and the whole nature of the conversation changed.

You Be the Example

A leader’s job is to manage the energy in the workplace. If there is negativity everywhere, notice it, acknowledge your role in creating or perpetuating that environment, and make a conscious decision to do something different.

It’s an unrealistic attitude to think every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. Just do your best to be more mindful of negative patterns. Craig Weber calls it “Catch It, Name It, Tame It.” Meanwhile, “Catch people doing things right,” as Ken Blanchard would say. Celebrate the small wins. Celebrate when things go well. And little by little, you’ll change the environment.

It all goes back to the Frankl quote. “Between stimulus and response lies a space. In that space lie our freedom and power to choose a response. In our response lie our growth and our happiness.”

We have a choice. Do we want to bring people down or lift them up? Do we want to share the latest gossip or simply move on with our day? Negative emotions are shared by all of us, but a negative environment doesn’t have to be. We have the power to create more shared experiences that are positive. It’s about asserting our freedom and remembering that we have a choice in our response—and then choosing the path that leads to our growth and happiness.

In our new book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust, my coauthor, Randy Conley, and I cover a lot of topics—fifty-two, to be exact. As the subtitle suggests, a primary focus of the book is the area of trust in leadership.

To be truly trustworthy, a leader must first possess a strong sense of self-awareness. Why? Because effective leadership starts on the inside. Before you can hope to lead anyone else, you must know yourself and what you need to be successful.

Self-awareness gives you a special kind of perspective as a leader. When you are grounded in knowledge about yourself, you are mindful of the people, experiences, and values that have made you who you are as a person and as a leader. You are aware of your thoughts, feelings, temperament, and what motivates you. You know how your behavior affects others around you and how to model trusting servant leadership for your team.

Self awareness and trustworthiness go hand in hand. It’s all about leading at a higher level.

We found the best way to describe trustworthiness in leadership was to break it into four qualities leaders can use to define and discuss trust with their people. These four characteristics make up the ABCD Trust Model.

Leaders who are Able demonstrate competence. They know how to produce results and they have the leadership skills necessary to empower and encourage their people to get the job done.

Leaders who are Believable act with integrity. They are honest, fair, ethical, and treat their people with equity. Their values-driven behavior builds trust and creates an environment of psychological safety.

Leaders who are Connected demonstrate care for others. Their focus is on their people’s needs and development. They are good listeners who share information about themselves and seek feedback. 

Leaders who are Dependable honor their commitments and keep their promises. They are accountable for their actions, responsive to others, organized, and consistent.

Along with the ABCD Trust Model, we developed an assessment leaders can use to gauge their own trustworthiness in all four areas. (Find the free assessment here.) Then, to help leaders gain even more self-awareness, we encourage them to have their team members fill out the same assessment to rate the leader’s trustworthiness. What a concept—leaders vulnerable enough to ask their people to assess them as a trustworthy leader!

I liked that idea so much, I asked my work team to fill out the trust assessment with me as the subject. When the responses were tallied, we learned that my ratings on the Able, Believable, and Connected behaviors were excellent! However, my ratings on the Dependable behaviors needed work. The reason? I’ve never heard an idea I didn’t like! In other words, I say “yes” too easily. Despite my good intentions to please people, I often found myself overcommitted—which put pressure on both my team and myself. The strategy we worked out to help my Dependable score was simple. My assistant at the time, Margery Allen, suggested that when I went on business trips and got in conversations with people, I should give them Margery’s business card instead of my own. That way she could screen callers and talk with me about what was realistic for me to say “yes” to. This process worked better for all of us and helped me become more Dependable. Looking back, I now see how that process also helped me with my self-awareness about my strengths and weaknesses in the area of trustworthiness.

It’s never a bad thing when you learn something new about yourself as a leader. You can take a tip from the One Minute Manager: If you find out you are doing something right, give yourself a One Minute Praising. And if you discover you are off track in an area (like I was on Dependable behaviors), give yourself a One Minute Redirect and get back on the right track.

The more self-aware you are, the better you will be able to serve, care for, and lead your people. When people believe their leader has their best interests at heart and is there to support them in achieving their goals, trust grows by leaps and bounds. Today more than ever, people long to follow a trustworthy leader. When they find one, they will offer that leader 100 percent of their energy and engagement. And when a leader has the trust of their team, all things are possible.

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted to executive vice president in a company where I started as an entry level coordinator right out of college. I took advantage of the company’s training and generous education reimbursements, got an MBA, and rose steadily. I never dreamed I would get this far, and I am thrilled about it.

Until I am not.

I have excellent mentors and feel very good about my plan in my new role, but in the quiet hours of the night I have serious doubts. I worry that someone will do a double take and ask “What is she doing here?” I worry that someone will look at my college record and realize I did two years at a community college (to save money and live at home) before going to University. I worry that someone will find out I didn’t get a 4.0 average in my MBA program. I worry that I am the emperor with no clothes and that someone will realize it.

My partner laughs at me, telling me I am being irrational, but I just can’t shake this feeling. Is something wrong with me?

Feel Like a Fraud

______________________________________________________________

Dear Feel Like a Fraud,

Every so often, a topic flares up everywhere I look. In a week’s period, I heard the same theme from a colleague, a couple of clients, and an old friend. The theme is imposter syndrome.

That, my friend, is what you are suffering from.

Imposter syndrome might be defined as being dogged by a feeling that you aren’t quite as good or quite as smart as others think you are. It shows up exactly the way you describe: feeling like a fraud and worrying that someday people are going to figure out you didn’t deserve to get the award or the promotion or to have your book published.

I first encountered it decades ago, in my early twenties, when my then-husband was working as an actor in a new play by a very successful songwriter and playwright. They were hanging around together during the endless tech rehearsals and got to talking and she admitted she felt like a fraud and had no idea why she had been so lucky as to have received so much recognition. She said she worried that one day soon everyone would collectively wake up and realize she had no talent at all. I was struck at the time by how horrible that must feel and worried what it meant for people who hadn’t achieved any success or recognition at all. I mean, if someone that successful felt that way, was there any hope for the rest of us?

Around that time, someone shared this Winston Churchill quote with me: “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

That quote kept me going, striving through crappy job after crappy job, and it sustains me to this day.

Much later, when I became a coach, I learned how common imposter syndrome is among very successful people. In my experience, it is remarkably common among folks who have undeniable achievements. It is not a sign of a mental health issue or even low self-esteem—rather, it’s a sign of impossibly high standards and of big dreams and ambitions.

Here is a little video that might be useful if this resonates with you.

The strategy that seems to work best when imposter syndrome rears its head is to talk about it with people you trust. Your partner laughing at you isn’t helpful, so find others. I suspect you will find that others share a similar feeling—people you think of as brilliant, hardworking, and wonderful! So it kind of reflects back that if others who are crushing it feel that way, absurdly, it is probably okay that you do, too. It will almost certainly give you what you need in terms of perspective.

Ultimately, I think it is probably healthy for us to sometimes wonder Am I doing my very best or am I phoning it in? Are we challenging ourselves to go the extra mile or are we coasting? Did we really work for the last stellar performance or did we get lucky? Maybe a little of both? There is no shame in any of it, as long as we are telling ourselves the truth.

I do think some feelings that come with imposter syndrome are mixed up with the confusing concept of who is deserving. Good things happen to terrible people. Terrible things happen to good people. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. For folks who have a strong religious grounding or spiritual practice, what we do and don’t deserve can seem pretty straightforward. But even those folks can have a strong “why me?” response to any event, good or bad. There is no way to establish what anyone really deserves. Personally, I have given up on the whole idea of what I do or don’t deserve because it ultimately seems subjective.

Martin Seligman, in his book Learned Optimism, affords some useful insight on this. Seligman’s theory is that we learn to interpret events from our parents. Natural or adapted optimists tend to interpret bad events as random or the fault of someone else and good events as a result of their own hard work or good decisions. Pessimists tend to do the opposite. An example of this is someone coming out of the grocery store to find that a shopping cart has rolled into their new car and dented it. An optimistic person might think, “Wow, what is it with people who can’t put their carts away? What a bother!” while a pessimist might think, “Oh no, I should never have parked here, this is all my fault!”

I am not advocating we all blame others for our misfortunes, but there is probably a middle ground in which we can look at, and learn from, the part we might have played in what happens to us. It is true that people should put their shopping carts away, and it is also true that it probably makes sense to be vigilant about where we park when we care a lot about our car.

Which brings us to our collective confusion about luck. What is luck? Why are some people so lucky and others not at all? There is no law that defines who gets to be lucky. But I can share this observation about luck: to get lucky, you must at least have goals. Everyone who has goals attempts and fails. Everyone who has goals is wrong sometimes. Everyone gets lucky sometimes and everyone has strokes of terrible luck. So here is the other quote that has always stayed with me: “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” (This one is widely attributed, so I am going with Seneca.)

As far as I am concerned, the only answer is to keep plugging away, keep your eye on the goal, do your best, and pray for good luck and the stars to align. And when they do, try to enjoy it. Don’t second guess it. Just say “thank you” and strive to be worthy of your good fortune.

So go ahead and enjoy your new role, knowing that you got it because you impressed enough people with your smarts, your work ethic, and your effectiveness as a leader. And go ahead and be grateful for the recognition. And keep doing your best, not because you are afraid of being found out but because it is simply what you do. A little self-doubt can be healthy. You should worry if the feeling of being not quite good enough keeps you from trying to do something you want to do and think you might be able to do. If you find it holding you back in your new role, it might be something to work on with a therapist.

Honestly—in my experience, anyway—the people who never feel any self-doubt are the ones who should be worried.

Finally, here are a few things I know for sure:

1. No one cares that you did two years at community college. Anyone with a brain knows that is just smart. You graduated with your undergraduate degree. Period.
2. No one cares what your GPA was in your MBA program. You got yourself a graduate degree. Period.
3. All anyone cares about is that you bring your education, smarts, and work ethic to the job at hand, and that you take your leadership position seriously.
4. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I promise.

Okay?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a large team for a media company. The CEO has a lot of strengths but is inconsistent and often irrational. My team is constantly on the hook to respond to endless PR issues, so we never quite know what is coming at us.

Before Covid we all came to the office early and stayed late—it was just a given. My job is global, so it is literally 24/7. Now the CEO has told his management team he wants everyone back in the office, but he won’t make it company policy because he is afraid people will quit en masse. Instead, he has tasked his management team with lowering the boom and insisting that people come back to the office.

My team members and I managed remotely through Covid. I think we are far more effective in person, but none of them have an interest in coming back to the office. In fact, they seem emboldened with their newfound freedom to the degree that they are now telling me what hours they will be working.

It would be so much easier for me if the company would just create a back-to-office policy instead of forcing all the managers to be the bad guys.

How should I approach this?

Hate Being the Heavy

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hate Being the Heavy,

It is so easy to blame upper management for things people don’t like. I understand your resenting being left holding the bag on this issue; however, I think the opportunity here is to create a hybrid environment that works for everyone on your team. If your senior team won’t insist that everyone come into the office every day, you don’t have to either. You can’t be held accountable for something your senior team refuses to say out loud.

What was it, do you think, that made you more effective pre-Covid? It’s true that when working remotely you lose the opportunity for quick after-meeting chats and catch-ups in the hallway—so think about how you might build those into your remote day schedules.

It is not appropriate for your employees to inform you what their working hours will be—but it does make sense for you to speak with each team member to get insight into what would work best for them. You can be clear that you are gathering intel to make the best possible plan and you can’t promise your final plan will suit every individual perfectly. As long as your people feel heard and understood, and they trust you to use your best judgment, you should be okay.

Once you have heard from everyone, you can create a plan for your team. Maybe everyone comes in the same two days every week, each person can choose which day will be their third day, and everyone WFH on Fridays. Do whatever you think will work best.

You can make almost anything work if you follow these tips:

• Have at least one all-hands meeting in person per week. Maybe include a lunch to sweeten the deal. Use lunch time as an opportunity to socialize, letting people catch up on personal news.
• Make sure everyone is crystal clear about deliverables and deadlines. Provide ways for people to keep you up to speed on what they are working on. Anything you can do using technology to increase visibility into workflow will increase trust and communication.
• Create some rules about communicating and being available on chat during working hours.
• Have a dedicated office hours time each day where you can be free for a quick check-in with whoever might need one.
• Have team members choose one day a week to be on call, since part of the job is crisis management at all hours.
• Send the message that “showing up” can mean either in person or virtually—but showing up is an expectation.

Once people have a taste of the freedom that comes with remote work, it is hard to go back. In fact, I suspect there is no going back to the way things were. But this is an opportunity for you to get input and create something new that will afford some of the freedoms your people have become accustomed to even as you insist on some new norms.

A lot of leading indicators point to what we are going through as not so much The Great Resignation as The Great Switcheroo. People are taking advantage of the opportunity to move to jobs that are more aligned with their passions and values, with the kind of flexibility they have become accustomed to. So the more you can include your people in the design of your new work structure, the more successful you will be.

Do your research and then be bold and clear. You are the boss of your team, even if some of your team members may have forgotten.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

People want an empathetic leader. Many managers strive to be one. But ask someone to define the term, and you’re likely to be met with silence.

Let’s start with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, empathy means “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

The logical question is: why is being empathetic an important quality of a leader? It seems to have nothing in common with achieving tasks or succeeding in the workplace.

The importance of being an empathetic leader starts with the simple truth that leadership is about people. If you’re going to lead effectively, you must be attuned to your people’s thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This translates into creating real partnerships rather than exerting power. It means walking alongside your team members and guiding them in the direction you need them to go.

Why Empathetic Leaders Are Needed Now

The topic of empathetic leadership has been getting a lot of press lately, mostly due to the adverse effects of the pandemic. COVID has bruised people in many ways: losing a loved one, losing a job, pay cuts, health problems, and on and on.

People are reevaluating their relationship with work in the wake of the pandemic. Some are deciding life’s too short to leave their spirit at the door and endure long workdays just to bring home a paycheck. They want an environment that nourishes them in a profound way.

The Empathy Deficit

Forbes says empathy is the most important leadership skill, but only 40% of people rate their leaders as being empathetic. It’s tricky to single out one skill as being the most important—anyone can argue that other skills deserve top billing. That qualifier aside, this statistic reveals a huge disconnect between what people want and what their leaders are providing.

But leading with empathy isn’t easy. If empathetic leadership were part of a college curriculum, it would be a 200-level class. It presumes that people have all the basics down—and many leaders don’t.

Leaders are often promoted to their roles based on their success as an individual contributor. But being a first-time manager requires a whole new set of skills—for example, emotional intelligence—that are more important than technical expertise. Many managers either haven’t had the opportunity to develop these skills, are resistant to doing so, or don’t have an interest in them.

When you add up all these reasons, it’s easy to see why we have an empathy deficit among leaders and their people.

Know Thyself

Becoming an empathetic leader starts with having excellent self-awareness. This requires doing inner work on understanding your motivators, your temperament, and your personality style. It also includes knowing your communication style, your reaction to feedback, and how your values shape your behavior.

The first step in your journey is investing in your own development. Once you are more self-aware, you can begin to adjust your leadership style to the needs of your people.

Senior executives play a pivotal role in this. They must put organizational resources behind self-awareness initiatives to show they are serious about developing empathetic leaders. Investing in training is an example. Just as important, they need to model the behaviors they want the organization’s leaders to demonstrate. They also should have caring conversations with managers who don’t appear to be growing into empathetic leaders.

Understand Others

The second part of empathetic leadership is striving for a good understanding of your team members. This includes improving your communication skills, such as being curious in conversations instead of being defensive or aggressive. It also includes learning how to eliminate fear in your interactions with your people—trust cannot survive if there is fear in a relationship.

Building trust with your people is essential if you’re to be an empathetic leader. They must know you are on their side and you mean them no harm. You must show them your role as a leader is to help them succeed. The better you understand your people, the better you’ll be able to serve them in a meaningful way.

Be Helpful

Finding practical ways to serve others is a concrete example of empathetic leadership. Our Self Leadership course teaches five points of power you can use to help your people succeed:

• Position Power: Having the title or authority to make certain decisions
• Task Power: Having control over a task or particular job
• Personal Power: Having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a personal vision of the future
• Relationship Power: Being connected or friendly with other people who have power
• Knowledge Power: Having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials

Empathetic leaders use these points of power to build up their people, help them feel safe and secure, and increase their confidence. When leaders do this, their people know they care about them. This opens many doors of possibility.

Be Compassionate

Empathetic leaders are compassionate and extend grace to others. They know how to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. But remember: organizations have goals that must be accomplished. Leaders must balance compassion with clear expectations that are understood by every team member.

Leaders who are empathetic place great importance on creating psychological safety—an environment where a person feels free to speak their mind, take risks, and admit mistakes without fear of being punished or reprimanded.

Empathetic leaders also balance great relationships with great results. Ken Blanchard and I share how to navigate this tricky intersection in our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust. 

Simple Truth #1 in our book is “Servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships.” Many people have an either/or mindset when it comes to leadership—they focus on either achieving results or developing relationships. You can get both if you set a clear vision and direction for your people, then work side by side serving them in ways that help them accomplish their goals.

Set Boundaries

Empathetic leaders know how to set clear boundaries that benefit everyone, such as letting people know how many hours a day they’re supposed to work or that sending late-night emails is inappropriate.

When everyone has clarity on work boundaries—including rules and expectations—there is tremendous safety and freedom. Boundaries create a guardrail so people don’t unduly sacrifice themselves to accomplish something. Boundaries also promote autonomy. They let people know what they can and can’t do. 

An Empathetic Leader in Action

Seeing an empathetic leader in action turns philosophy into concrete reality. Try to imagine yourself as an empathetic leader who practices the following behaviors on a daily basis.

An empathetic leader:

• Asks rather than tells
• Listens rather than speaks
• Serves rather than commands
• Cares about people’s concerns
• Is receptive to feedback
• Doesn’t overact to people’s questions or concerns
• Doesn’t interpret concerns as resistance

When you demonstrate these behaviors, your people will be loyal to you. They’ll be engaged. They’ll give their best effort. They’ll be more innovative. And they’ll speak highly about your organization to their friends and colleagues.

Call to Action

At its core, empathetic leadership is about being an others-focused leader. It’s about leaders being in tune with the needs of their people and responding in tangible ways that demonstrate their care and concern. And how do people respond when their leaders act this way? They pledge their loyalty, trust, and commitment to that leader, which results in greater productivity, innovation, and creativity. Who wouldn’t want that?

Dear Madeleine,

I recently got a new manager. At first everything was fine. She did a big reorganization of our group, some of my duties where shifted, and I took on some new ones. I am still on a learning curve but I am getting there.

She also hired four new people who followed her from her previous organization. All of sudden it feels like I am being left out of important meetings, missing critical information, and getting called out for mistakes.  After years of excellent performance reviews, all of sudden if feels like I can’t do anything right.

I can’t pinpoint what I am doing wrong, but I am starting to dread sitting down to work. What can I do?

Left Out

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Left Out,

It is the worst feeling. Of course, you feel dread—there is a new “in group” that you are not part of, and you have lost the feeling of competence and control that you had been used to. Yuck.

The neuroscience research has found that being excluded activates almost the same parts of the brain as physical pain. It has been shown that over the counter painkillers will actually make you feel better when you are in that kind of emotional pain. This astonishes me. Heck, it is worth a try, at least in the short term. But you can’t let the dread go on for too long; that kind of stress will lead to burnout.

Beyond that, there are a few avenues you can take:

1. Talk to your manager.
2. Create and nurture relationships with the new kids on the block.
3. Take really good care of yourself.

You must first raise your concerns with your new manager. Since she is new, making tons of changes, and onboarding a bunch of new hires, she has probably lost sight of the process and communication threads. Somehow, you are being left off of meeting invites and memos. The worst thing you can do is take it personally—you must just raise your hand, point it out, and get it fixed. If your workplace is like pretty much every workplace I hear about (and my own), everyone is moving at warp speed just trying to keep up. You must raise your hand and keep raising it, without getting huffy, until things smooth out.

Next, identify each new hire and make it your business to get to know them. It is your business. Set up time for a meet and greet, over web conference if needed, and just introduce yourself. Be ready with questions: what did you do at your last company, married/single? Kids or pets? Favorite food? Favorite vacations? Hobbies? If you are shy, introverted, or both, this will be harder for you—but you must do it. Think of it as part of your job, not extracurricular. As a member of the old guard, the more you extend your hand and make new people feel welcomed, the less left out you will feel. People tend to gravitate to the people they know—so make sure people know you and you know them. This will go a long way toward decreasing your sense of isolation.

While you’re at it, make the effort to connect or reconnect with other work colleagues that you already have a relationship with. It takes effort to blast ourselves out of our Covid stupor—I have experienced it myself—but the effort really does pay off.

Finally, do whatever you can do to take care of yourself. Get together with friends who love you, indulge in things that make you happy and remind you of what is great about your life. This is a lot of change, which increases uncertainty, which can cause a negative spiral. You must find ways to stop the negative spiral and get your feelings moving in the other direction. It will make everything seem much more manageable.

Manager first, then new people, and then plan some fun things that give you joy.

You can and you must.

You are going to be okay.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

There’s been a flood of articles lately about psychological safety—and for good reason. It is essential if people are to be engaged and productive. It is the foundation for a dynamic, vibrant workplace. And it is woefully missing at most companies.

Psychological safety happens in a workplace when people feel free to speak their mind, take a risk, or admit to mistakes without fear of being punished. The pandemic has made it a hot topic. Many people have felt psychologically battered and bruised over the last couple of years. They’re raw and they need a work environment where they feel safe.

The Great Trust Experiment

The pandemic has been a great trust experiment. Literally overnight, organizations were forced to extend massive amounts of trust to their people by letting them work from home.

We all know what happened. By and large, remote work has been a great success. Many employees have proven more productive than they had been in the workplace. This has shined a spotlight on how relatively unproductive things had been prior to the March 2020 shutdown.

Post-Pandemic Psychological Safety

Sometimes you don’t realize you’re missing something until right after you get a taste of it. In the last two years, many people have developed a taste for freedom and autonomy. Companies trusted them to work from home—without supervision—and to bring their brains to work. Now that offices are slowly reopening, these people, understandably, don’t want to return. They don’t want to go back to the way things were.

What’s the lesson here? People experienced a world where the boss was no longer a few steps down the hall, checking in to make sure they’re doing their work—and they liked it. The Great Trust Experiment showed people the importance of psychological safety.

The thought of returning to a psychologically unsafe environment has many people on edge. Considering that about three out of four people don’t feel psychologically safe at work, every leader should be asking “How do I create a psychologically safe environment?”

Seven Keys to a Psychologically Safe Workplace

Ken Blanchard and I share ways to create a psychologically safe environment in our new book, Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust.  Here are a few choice strategies you can use to create the culture you want in your workplace.

Eliminate fear: Fear is the enemy of trust. Lack of trust destroys psychological safety. People flourish in a safe and trusting environment.

People must know there won’t be repercussions if they share ideas or their perceptions of the truth or if they make a mistake. Your job as a leader is to live this truth.

Praise often: Unfortunately, we are hardwired to focus on the negative—so much so that it takes five praisings to counteract one criticism. For example, our natural inclination is to interpret emails in the worst possible light. The takeaway for leaders is to praise your people often and keep your communications positive.

Share yourself: People tend to form one-dimensional caricatures of their leaders from short interactions. “So-and-so was short with me, which means they are uncaring in every situation.” You can overcome this mental kink by helping your people understand that you are a multifaceted person, just like they are.

I’m not suggesting you share deeply personal information. It is, however, completely appropriate to talk about your values, what’s important to you, what motivates you, etc. Doing this builds trust with your people, which is essential for psychological safety.

Create clear boundaries: Everyone in the workplace must know what is and isn’t acceptable. Everyone must agree to abide by the same rules. No one should get a free pass because of position or seniority. Everyone must treat each other with respect and decency.

Keep a level playing field: People sometimes think a leader will rush to their defense in a moment of conflict. But if that happens, all the other team members will be fearful of making a mistake or stepping out of line. In a psychologically safe workplace, there are no favorites and there are no scapegoats.

Allow curiosity: At your workplace, do people feel secure enough to try new things, to explore unusual ideas, to express alternate views? Or do they hold back, afraid of possible negative consequences? When people feel fearful, their engagement plummets. But when you give them permission to be curious, you’re providing an open, safe space for them to experiment without fear of repercussion. When they make a mistake, reframe it as a learning opportunity.

Think about this from an employee’s perspective. Instead of bracing yourself for a tongue-lashing, you receive honest, encouraging feedback. How would that make you feel about your workplace?

Be clear about your expectations: Research shows that many people don’t know what’s expected of them. This is a recipe for mistakes and misunderstandings, which undermine psychological safety. You can circumvent all this with a simple activity: Have your people write down what they think their responsibilities are and you do the same. Then compare. Chances are you’ll be quite surprised by the differences between the two lists.

You can also use this tactic for aligning your people’s priorities with yours: Have them write down what they consider their most important tasks, and you do the same. Then compare notes and discuss. A little exercise like this can clear up lots of confusion.

There’s no magic bullet for creating an environment of psychological safety. It takes lots of intentional effort on the part of leaders and it takes time to build the bonds of trust. But the rewards are great.

Unleash the potential of your people. Help them feel comfortable returning to work. Turn the Great Resignation into the Great Renewal!

About the Author

Randy Conley is Vice President of Professional Services and Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. His award-winning blog, Leading with Trust, has influenced over 4 million viewers since its inception in 2012. His LeaderChat posts appear the fourth or last Thursday of every month. You can follow Randy on Twitter @RandyConley or connect with him on Linked-In.

It’s Women’s History Month—time to celebrate women’s accomplishments in the workplace! It’s essential to take a moment to recognize our contributions when you consider that in 2020 women still made just 84% of what men earned for the same job and were significantly underrepresented in leadership roles, according to Pew Research.

The argument about whether women can be great leaders is one that needs to be put to rest. Research has long shown that women excel in leadership roles. To empower women colleagues and to reassure anyone who may have an unconscious bias against women who apply for leadership positions, I share these findings:

• Women leaders are rated as being more competent than men on 11 out of 12 dimensions of leadership, according to Forbes.
• Women leaders score higher than men in 17 of 19 leadership competencies, according to Harvard Business Review.
• And 33% of people who work for a female manager are engaged at work, compared to 27% who work for male managers, according to Gallup.

There’s more: Female managers are more likely than male managers to encourage employee development, check in frequently on their employees’ progress, have regular conversations about their performance, and praise their people.  They are also better at collaborating and are perceived as being more empathetic and trustworthy. And they are significantly better listeners.

Perhaps Forbes best summed up the facts:

Having women in senior leadership roles also translates into greater profitability. A study by Credit Suisse found 25% of women in decision making roles had a 4% higher average return on investment—and companies with 50% of women in senior leadership had a 10% higher cash flow return on investment.

“With incontrovertible evidence like this, organizations not aggressively pursuing the cultivation of women executives are making the expressed, intentional choice to disregard evidence, severely undermining performance and compromising their organization’s potential.”

It’s crystal clear that your unique voice is needed to help people thrive! So, as a way of encouraging dynamic women such as yourself to climb the leadership ladder, my acronym WOMEN shares five strategies you can use to create the future of your dreams!

W = Ask WHO Questions

From my experience, successful women are fabulous at focusing on what they need to do, when they need to do it, and why they need to do it. Then they go out and get it done!

We’ve got the what, when, and why down. Now, as more women seek to move into leadership positions, we might want to focus on who. Here are some who questions you can ask to rocket your career to new heights!

• Who can help me do this task?
• Who can I delegate this to, so I can protect my time and build competence in others?
• Who do I want to meet?
• Who can I observe to see how the best and brightest do this task?
• Who do I want on my personal board of directors?
• Who can I endorse and build their confidence, so they are ready to step into a leadership position?
• Who do I want as a mentor?
• Who can I partner with who energizes me?
• Who can I and other leaders champion to help them get more visibility?

O = Be OTHER-Focused

Great women leaders are other-focused while keeping their eye on their own work. If someone asks them for help, they are immediately of service. They think of that person and what is important to them, and ask themselves, “How can I best help them?” They never lose sight of what that person wants to accomplish, sending them articles and ideas, checking in on their progress, and being an accountability buddy to ensure the person is successful.  

Other-focused women leaders know when to tell people how to do a task and when to ask someone to share how they think they would like to do a task. They know this because, just like a good doctor, they diagnose the task and the person’s demonstrated competence before responding. They are mindful of individual differences and communicate, recognize, and encourage people in a way that is meaningful to them.

M = Use MOMENTUM to Make Things Happen

Inspiring women leaders are energized by momentum. They are always seeking to do things better and faster, help the greatest number of people to succeed, and drive organizational vitality. They are always learning, reflecting on their actions, analyzing what they think would be best, and sharing their insights with others.

Momentum comes in many different forms such as speaking up in meetings. Here’s a helpful tip to ensure people listen to your ideas: Instead of giving your suggestions or recommendations in the form of a question such as “What if…” or “How about…,” be direct and say, “Here’s what I think we should do.” That way, people don’t think you are asking a question that drives their need to problem solve.

When you present your ideas, remember: if you hear no, it doesn’t necessarily mean no. No can mean lots of things such as “I’m hungry” or “I’m too busy today and don’t have the bandwidth to consider it.”

Here’s a funny anecdote that some of you may have experienced, between my very rational husband and me. We were driving home with the kids from a long hike, and everyone was hungry. My husband said, “Let’s go out to dinner!” Then he asked me, “Where would you like to go?” I said, “How about that new place?” He thought for a minute and said, “Nooo.” Then I said, “Well, how about the ABC restaurant?” And he thought for a few seconds and said, “Nooo.” And then I said, “I’ve got it! How about if we go to the place everybody loves, the XYZ restaurant?” And again, he said, “No I’m not really feeling that tonight.”

At this point, I thought to myself how come we never get to go where I want to go? So I decided to address that. I asked, “How come you never want to go where I want to go?” He said, “Well, you didn’t say where you wanted to go.” What’s the moral of that story? He was right. I just kept asking questions—and, being a rational guy, he just gave me his answers. Remember this when you’re pitching ideas in the boardroom. State your recommendation (like I should have): “Let’s get off at the next exit and go to Buca de Beppo.” Which I did, and we went, and it was delicious.

One last tip. If you have to say something that might upset someone, don’t start your sentence with “I’m sorry.” Say something like, “Thanks for taking the time to chat.”  This expression of gratitude makes the listener more receptive to what you’re about to say. 

E = Be Comfortable with EMOTIONS

Awesome women leaders realize that emotions should be acknowledged and embraced. Leveraging emotional intelligence is one of their superpowers.

When I was in my doctoral program, I read In a Different Voice by Carol Gilligan of Harvard. It was revolutionary for me. I did have a different voice—a woman’s voice. When I was a school administrator, colleagues would often tease me by saying, “Oh Vicki, you’re so sensitive! Do you always have to ask how this will impact the students (or teachers or parents)?”  This often triggered a sense of shame and powerlessness that came from my childhood admonitions. When I was little, I was often told I was too emotional. If I got excited or upset, I would constantly hear negative comments from my parents that sent the message “People like you don’t make it in the real world!” In other words, they felt expressing emotions would hinder my success.

The truth is the opposite. Now, in a time when people are feeling so strongly about everything, the ability to be aware of and acknowledge your emotions and the emotions of others is the ultimate relationship builder. Creating a place where your people can release negative emotions and amplify positive ones is a special gift. It’s what makes women leaders such a tremendous benefit to an organization.

N = NURTURE Yourself and Others

Nurturing is a profound concept. It encompasses mindfulness, boundaries, and caring for ourselves and others. Fabulous women leaders realize that our bodies are the holding tanks for our brilliance. No bodies, no brilliance.

Because of this, women leaders protect their time, helping their people take brain breaks and look after their bodies. They run effective meetings so that people are energized, not drained. They stop every hour for a “mindfulness minute” to drink water, exercise for a minute, call someone, or praise someone. They know self-care renews their energy, their ability to be compassionate, and their ability to focus. And they know it’s much harder to be compassionate when you’re drained.

Last, women leaders watch their thoughts carefully. As Margie Blanchard, one of my favorite women leaders, says: “Don’t say it unless you want it!” They realize there is a profound connection between their thoughts, physiology, and outcomes. Since the brain stores information in images, which the body reacts to, they keep their minds filled with desired outcomes and a vision of what they want.

For example, if I say, “I’m exhausted,” what happens in my body? It wilts. But if I say, “I am so energized and excited to go into this meeting and learn something from everyone,” my body becomes energized.

Embrace Yourself. Embrace Success.

Women leaders: the world needs your unique point of view and your energy—for unleashing the power and potential of others!

Keep on leading. Keep on inspiring. Keep on challenging yourself to take even better care of yourself than you already are! Let others hear your powerful voice. Model for others the gifts of clarity, influence, and autonomy. And watch the world return it to you in abundance.

Dear Madeleine,

I started working for a US-based company about nine months ago. It is a hybrid role where I go into the office two to three days a week and work from home the other days. The job is perfect for me—just challenging enough. I feel that I can do my best and do well.

My problem is an older male colleague. I am female in a predominantly male industry and role (environmental engineering), and every time I see this colleague, he says “Smile, Danika (not my real name but I am from Denmark), things can’t be all that bad.”

Now, I have been told that I have resting b*%*# face. It is true that when I am thinking hard about something or simply paying close attention—which is all the time—I tend to frown. Ever since I moved to the US for graduate school, people have been telling me to smile more.

I. Am. Sick. Of. It.

It is only matter of time before I tell my jolly colleague where he can shove his remarks, which I know will not win me friends. What to do, though? Any ideas?

RBF

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear RBF,

Oh, how I can relate, my friend. I grew up in France and Belgium and also have been hearing “Smile!” since I moved to the US. It is definitely an American thing. I just spent three weeks with a bunch of South Americans and noticed that the women only smile when they really feel like it. The rest of time, their faces stay quite neutral. I felt out of place with my bizarre American habit of smiling all the time just to keep from putting people off. Some members of my group looked at me askance.

I am pretty sure it is only women who are told to smile constantly. I actually got a comment that I should smile more on a 360-feedback report that I engaged in recently. I was shocked—at this point in my career and life, someone (I am certain, a man) still feels the need to tell me to smile more. And I make an effort already! Honestly, it is enough to make a woman scream.

To be fair, I have worked with some male leaders who are terrifying to their team members due to their seniority, physical stature, authority, or sheer IQ. These men have benefitted from simply remembering to smile when they see others in the office or on zoom, or when they ask how someone is. It makes people relax a little bit and remember that, brilliant and authoritative as the boss is, he is still just a human being.

And you are right—a witty comeback will not serve you, as satisfying as it may feel in the moment. So here are some ideas:

• When you greet people and are perfectly happy to see them, tell your face. Remember that you might be intimidating to some. Reminding everyone you greet that you are just a regular person who cares about them as a person can’t hurt. It takes some practice, but it is worth a try.
• If someone continues to be annoying with their reminders, practice a comeback that is the truth—something like “Hey, I grew up in a culture where people don’t smile all the time, and I am trying to get used to this American smiley thing” or “Oh, hi, I was just noodling on the intractable water purification problem we are wrestling with on the Sanoz Project,” Or “I’m trying, but I hate Mondays, don’t you?” And if they keep it up: “I am trying, I really am! Thanks for the reminder!”
• Share one of my favorites: Substitute your own country of choice and say “You know why (French) women have no wrinkles? They never smile!” Haha. Not to insult anyone, but you get the idea.
• Put a sticky note on your computer screen to remind you to smile, especially on web conferences.
• Put up a little mirror at your workstation to remind you to smile. I have seen this done in call centers because even with zoom, people can hear it when you smile.

Americans are just weird with the smiling thing. I could go down the rat hole with the whole gender and culture thing, but we aren’t going to solve those issues today. Remember that you are working in an American company with American people, so doing what you can to fit more comfortably into their culture will probably ease your way. There is also research that shows that smiling lifts your mood—strange but true. So as long as you don’t resent feeling like you have to smile, it might actually feel good.

Clearly, you are serious about your work and you tend to focus hard, so this will be a stretch for you. But in the end, you are working with people and you can’t get anything done without them, so whatever you can do to get them to warm up to you will help you achieve your goals. At the end of the work day you can go home and do whatever you want with your face.

You might feel that your intellect, problem solving ability, and work ethic should be all people should care about. And I would agree—but that just isn’t the way things are. Since I also need to take this advice, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. Worth a try, though? I guess you’ll have to find out.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

In my new book Simple Truths of Leadership: 52 Ways to Be a Servant Leader and Build Trust—cowritten with my colleague, trust expert Randy Conley—we take a look at some practical, day-to-day leadership principles leaders can apply in their organizations.

Simple Truths of Leadership is broken down into 52 concepts/quotes, half on the topic of servant leadership and half on trust. Each concept has descriptions and activities that will result in increased trust, collaboration, innovation, and engagement in relationships involving leaders and their team members.

A focus on both servant leadership and trust is an important consideration in today’s work environment. It’s a one-two combination that Randy and I believe will bring renewed focus to the importance of empathy and the human touch in workplace relationships.

Here’s a sample of the first three Simple Truths we cover in the first half of the book.

SIMPLE TRUTH #1: Servant leadership is the best way to achieve both great results and great relationships.

Organizational leaders often have an either/or attitude toward results and people. For example, leaders who focus only on results may have trouble creating great relationships with their people and leaders who focus mainly on relationships may have trouble getting desired results.

Yet you can get both great results and great relationships if you understand the two parts of servant leadership:

• The leadership aspect focuses on vision, direction, and results—where you as a leader hope to take your people. Leaders should involve others in setting direction and determining desired results, but if people don’t know where they’re headed or what they’re meant to accomplish, the fault lies with the leader.
• The servant aspect focuses on working side by side in relationship with your people. Once the vision and direction are clear, the leader’s role shifts to service— helping people accomplish the agreed-upon goals.

MAKING COMMON SENSE COMMON PRACTICE

This one-two punch of the aspects of servant leadership enables you to create both great results and great relationships:

1. Let your people know what they’re being asked to do by setting the vision and direction with their help. In other words, vision and direction, while the responsibility of the leader, is not a top-down process.
2. During implementation, assure your people you are there to serve, not to be served. Your responsibility is to help them accomplish their goals through training, feedback, listening, and communication.

It’s important for servant leaders to establish this both/and mindset toward results and relationships.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2: Every great organization has a compelling vision.

When I explain what a compelling vision is to some leaders in organizations, they either give me a blank look or say something like “I’m sure we have one on the wall somewhere.” So what is a compelling vision?

According to my book with Jesse Stoner, Full Steam Ahead! Unleash the Power of Vision in Your Work and Your Life, a compelling vision includes three elements: your purpose (what business you are in), your picture of the future (where you are going) and your values (what will guide your journey).

A compelling vision is alive and well in companies that are leaders in their field, such as Disney, Southwest Airlines, Nordstrom, Wegmans, and Starbucks.

MAKING COMMON SENSE COMMON PRACTICE

Here’s how you can incorporate the three elements of a compelling vision in your organization:

• Make sure the people in your organization know what business they are in. For example, when Walt Disney started his theme parks, he said, “We are in the happiness business.”
• Confirm that your people know where they are going—what good results would look like. At Disney, the picture of the future is that all guests of the parks would have the same smile on their faces when leaving as when they entered.
• Find out if the people in your organization are clear on what values will guide their journey. Disney’s first value is safety. Its next values are courtesy and “the show,” which is about everyone playing their parts perfectly, whether they are a ticket taker or Mickey Mouse. Disney’s final value is efficiency—having a well-run, profitable organization.

If you can share your compelling vision as clearly as Disney does, congratulations! You have just made common sense common practice.

SIMPLE TRUTH #3: Servant leaders turn the traditional pyramid upside down.

Most organizations and leaders get into trouble during the implementation phase of servant leadership if the traditional hierarchical pyramid is used. When that happens, whom do people think they work for? The people above them.

The minute you think you work for the person above you, you assume that person—your boss—is responsible and your job is to be responsive to your boss’s whims or wishes. “Boss watching” can become a popular sport where people get promoted based on their upward-influencing skills. As a result, all the energy of the organization moves up the hierarchy, away from customers and the frontline folks who are closest to the action.

Servant leaders know how to correct this situation by philosophically turning the pyramid upside down when it comes to implementation. Now the customer contact people and the customers are at the top of the organization, and everyone in the leadership hierarchy works for them. This one change makes a major difference in who is responsible and who is responsive.

MAKING COMMON SENSE COMMON PRACTICE

To make servant leadership come alive, implementation is key:

• Communicate to your people that you work for them, not the other way around. Your job is to serve, not to evaluate.
• Empower your people by letting them bring their brains to work. In this way, they become responsible— able to respond—to their internal and external customers. Your job is to be responsive to them, helping them accomplish their goals.

This creates a very different environment for implementation and makes it clear to everyone who is responsible, and to whom.

I hope I’ve piqued your interest in learning about how you can introduce our commonsense leadership practices into your organization. If I have, check out the free eBook we’ve put together that shares a little more information about Simple Truths of Leadership—and check out what others are saying about the book through retail booksellers such as Barnes & Noble or Amazon.com.

The world is in desperate need of a new leadership model—one that focuses on results and people. Trusted servant leadership is the approach Randy and I believe in. Let us know what you think!

The time for virtual reality (VR) in leadership development has arrived.

VR simulations are becoming more immersive. Equipment and development costs are falling. Leaders are busier than ever. And the pandemic has scattered workforces and required social distancing.

A Giant Step for Leadership Development

VR represents such a giant step in leadership development that it’s worth reviewing the past. Ten years ago, most leadership training happened in face-to-face classrooms. Over the last few years, much of it has evolved into online training modules and stretched learning journeys. While these modalities are more accessible to the learner in a moment of need, these online modalities came with the difficult challenge: how do you allow people to practice new skills and reinforce new concepts in an e-learning design?

VR for leadership development addresses these challenges by integrating learning into the flow of work. New concepts and skills are immediately reinforced. This turns theory into behavior.

That’s just the beginning. We are truly at a watershed moment.

Learning Becomes Behavior

What makes VR so powerful is that it is experiential. It sticks with the learner as a lived memory. In scientific terms, experiential learning creates episodic memory. For the purposes of learning, episodic memory results in unmatched retention and behavioral change. That makes VR one of the most powerful ways to turn learning into behavior.

Another powerful benefit of VR is that behaviors in real and virtual worlds are easily transferred. L&D professionals can create experiences that intentionally cultivate specific behaviors in learners. And what learners practice in simulation is likely to be demonstrated in the workplace. In fact, VR is so powerful that skill transfer can happen spontaneously and unconsciously.

Safe Practice Builds Skills

VR lets leaders practice new skills without worrying about real-world consequences. While this “safe sandbox” benefit applies to any type of online training, the stakes within leadership development are often much higher, as they can have ramifications across an organization. VR defuses much of the performance anxiety a learner might have.

VR is also less likely to produce anxiety in learners. People aren’t as worried about making a mistake or saying something stupid. When the brain is less preoccupied with stress, it can learn more easily.

VR Gives Objective Feedback

It’s common for trainers in face-to-face workshops to facilitate 20 to 30 people, with ten or more table teams or breakout groups to coordinate. Even the best facilitators will struggle to keep track of how all the learners are faring and to give each learner thoughtful and objective feedback. Additionally, learners can be biased and ill-informed when they evaluate themselves and their colleagues.

VR removes any subjectivity and inexperience from learner evaluations. Every learner choice is scored, every individual receives a thorough diagnosis, and every leader receives impartial feedback.

It also ensures consistency of experience. When you’re partnered with another learner, your experience is largely dependent on the aptitude of your partner. With VR, you’re always working with the perfect partner.

VR Is Incredibly Powerful

Early research shows that VR may be the most powerful learning modality. PricewaterhouseCoopers found that VR learners got up to speed four times faster than classroom learners and almost two times faster than with e-learning alone. VR also results in greater focus and fewer distractions on the part of learners.

VR is accessible when you need it. It offers a risk-free proving ground. It enables real learning and behavior transfer. And it provides personalized, accurate feedback every time. Put leaders in a well-designed simulation and they can quickly master skills that may have eluded them for some time.

VR has changed the way pilots and surgeons train. Leadership is next in line.

Every day there seems to be a new story about an irate customer behaving badly. These unfortunate situations create psychological stress for frontline employees and additional pressures for businesses.

What can employees and companies do to provide Legendary Service while facing the headwinds of the pandemic?

Hard Times Demand Legendary Service

We’ve all been struggling through the pandemic. Everyone is tired and cranky. Everyone is lonely. And everyone’s patience seems to be at a breaking point, including executives, managers, and employees. No matter our role, we’re all human—and no one is immune to what’s been happening in our world.

Still, businesses need to stay in business. Organizations must remind their employees about the enduring value of providing Legendary Service to their customers. In fact, now is the moment for organizations to show their true colors and prove to their customers how much they matter.

Every team member must understand the importance of being patient, kind, and compassionate. When customers are difficult or wrong, the mission is to turn a bad experience into a great one. This makes the organization shine.

Look After Your People

First, make sure your people are not burned out—that they have the energy and emotional capacity needed to provide Legendary Service. Many companies are asking their employees to do a lot more with a lot less. That’s like putting people in a pressure cooker.

Then help your team members understand why serving customers is so important. That starts with making sure they have the mindset and skills to serve customers at the highest level.

How to Create Legendary Service

The CARE model (Committed, Attentive, Responsive, and Empowered) we teach in our Legendary Service training program is an excellent framework. CARE means:

• Committed: Commit yourself to helping your people. Have their backs. Never ask them to do something you wouldn’t do yourself.

• Attentive: Be attuned to the needs of your people and help them feel valued. Pay attention and give them grace when you sense they are fatigued. Praise people when they do well and redirect them when they get off track. Cheer them on and celebrate their accomplishments.

• Responsive: Serve your people by being there when they need you. Use the correct leadership style for the person’s development level on different tasks. There’s no such thing as over-communicating during difficult times.

• Empowered: Empower your people to provide the highest level of service without needing to call a manager. Empowerment isn’t about giving a pep talk. It means providing the training and skill sets people need to succeed.

When leaders follow the CARE model, they demonstrate that they understand what it takes to give Legendary Service. They show that they believe in a service mindset and they care about their people and their customers. It’s a virtuous cycle of continuous improvement.

The Challenge of Empowerment

Empowering your people can be a challenge. As a leader, you want your people to feel empowered to solve customer problems. At the same time, you don’t want them giving away the farm.

If your team members have never been trained in customer service, it’s likely they don’t know about empowerment. One of your first goals is to make sure people understand what is in their scope of authority. They need to know what they can say ‘yes’ to, what is in-bounds, and what is out-of-bounds.

When people know the extent of their authority, they know what they are able do to help a customer. They can resolve problems on the spot. They also know when to reach out to a leader.

Ken Blanchard says, “You want people to bring their brains to work.” Make sure your people feel empowered to use their best judgment to serve their customers. Encourage them to build relationships and emotional connections with both internal and external customers. When people bring their brains to work, they can take preemptive actions to build loyalty.

The Delicate Art of Expressing Empathy

Sometimes a customer’s problem can’t be immediately resolved. When that happens, it’s a perfect time to take pause and put yourself in their shoes. When you look at a situation from the other person’s perspective, you might feel empathetic. That doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with the person—customers can be wrong sometimes. But showing empathy can go a long way in diffusing a situation.

For example, think about the mask mandate currently in place for air travel. Some people are angry about it. They feel the CDC’s rules about masks are always changing and the law is inconsistent. A flight attendant raising their voice won’t calm a passenger. But empathy might—especially if the flight attendant says something like, “I get it. I understand. I’m also tired of wearing masks. I know it can be hard to breathe.”

Practicing difficult customer interactions with your team is an excellent way to plan for them. Imagine worst-case scenarios and then have your people respond to the challenge. Customers can get aggravated, frustrated, or angry, and you don’t want people’s reactions escalating the situation. Ask your team members to imagine what customers are feeling in these situations. Uncover why they might be frustrated and what response may aggravate them. Then have people practice acknowledging the customer’s feelings instead of just apologizing.

Humor as Your Friend

Humor can take tension out of a situation. It’s like deflating a balloon. It really is the best medicine, especially in a stressful or challenging moment. But it comes with a huge caveat—never make the customer feel as if they are the target of the joke. That will make the situation even worse. Just make sure that there’s no chance your humor will be misunderstood. We all could use a good laugh sometimes to blow off steam—as long as it isn’t at someone else’s expense.

The pandemic continues to run its course. Stress levels will remain high for the foreseeable future. Customers will be frustrated. But despite these challenges, we can still provide Legendary Service and turn difficult situations into winning ones.

Exhaustion is in the air, but you can generate the vitality you need right now.

We need first to understand why we’re all feeling depleted. There are two types of depletion: physical and psychological. We all know the signs of physical depletion and its remedy: take a walk, eat healthy food, do yoga, rest. But if you’ve ever had to drag yourself out of bed, even after a good night’s sleep, it probably has nothing to do with your physical reserves. More likely, your low energy results from your mental state. You are psychologically depleted.

Our psychological well-being depends on the feeling that we have a choice in a situation, are connected with others, and are competent enough to meet the challenges at hand. Consider the current world situation, and it’s no wonder that our choice, connection, and competence feels under siege.

How the Pandemic Limits Choice, Connection, and Competence

The pandemic has challenged our sense of choice. “I have to wear a mask. I have to get a vaccine. I have to work in a virtual team.” Suddenly, it appears that your choices are limited.

But choice is a matter of perception. Some people have struggled during the pandemic, feeling that their freedom is restricted. When this happens, they often react by making questionable choices to restore their sense of control. Other people think, “I can go to the store and wear a mask, or I can choose to stay home and order the item online.”

The pandemic’s effect on connection is obvious. We are in the middle of a global experiment in social distancing. It’s risky to get together in groups. People’s feelings of loneliness are skyrocketing.

As for competence, we’re all in unfamiliar territory filled with new conditions and demands. Competence can be as simple as trying to prevent your glasses from fogging up when you’re wearing a mask. More demanding examples include mastering new technology, homeschooling your kids, and caring for a sick loved one. It is an unrelenting barrage.

The erosion of choice, connection, and competence leads to feeling depleted—your psychological well-being has diminished. But you can restore your sense of choice, connection, and competence and generate much-needed vitality.

You Always Have Choices 

You always have choices—even in the most difficult situations. You may counter that a prisoner doesn’t have options, but that’s incorrect. We can choose how we will respond to any challenge.

Viktor Frankl, a neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor, wrote Man’s Search for Meaning. He shared that when he was in a concentration camp, he felt a surge of energy when he shared his bread—even when he was starving. He would also help someone up if they fell, although the punishment was being whipped. In these dire circumstances, he concluded that nobody could take his autonomy away. That is certainly true for us. We always have a choice.

Mindfulness increases our awareness of the choices we have. If we are weighed down with worry, we’re less likely to see and appreciate the options available to us. Stay in the present. Ask yourself, “What choices do I have at this moment?”

Creating Connection

We are hardwired to connect with others. A great way to feel connected is to volunteer; to contribute to something greater than yourself. Even with social distancing, you can seek out opportunities to help others.

There is overwhelming evidence that helping others is physically and psychologically beneficial. Helping others is helping ourselves. So if you’re feeling disconnected, you can remedy it by participating in something larger than yourself; something that unites people, not divides them.

Connection is also a matter of finding meaning, whatever your circumstances. Meaningful is not a selfish, self-centered, or me-against-the-world attitude. It is about contributing to the greater good. And it’s exhilarating when we do this. The best choices are meaningful choices.

Just a word of caution in our divisive times. Belonging to a tribe that pits one person or group against another or is based on an us-versus-them mentality won’t give you a true sense of connection. It might momentarily fill a void, but it will ultimately leave you empty.

Competence: Be Gentle with Yourself

We need to be gentle with ourselves. The pandemic is a unique situation in our lives, and we’re all stumbling as we navigate the challenges of a new world. We need to give ourselves a break and take a page from SLII®. We are all disillusioned learners (called “D2”) who struggle to master the world around us. We’re at D2 when wearing a mask, getting distracted while working at home, and on and on.

Being at D2 is uncomfortable. (Read our blog on becoming comfortable with this unavoidable phase). Keep in mind that being at D2 is a natural stage of development. With proactive self leadership, you will move through it to attain mastery.

Build Your Psychological Well-being on Choice, Connection, and Competence

Choice, connection, and competence are the building blocks of psychological vitality. And that stimulates physical energy. So the next time you’re feeling sluggish and depleted, consider if your need for choice, connection, or competence is under threat. Then take steps to consider your choices, connect your choices to meaningful values that contribute to the greater good, and appreciate how much you’re learning. You’ll soon be feeling vital.

Dear Madeleine,

My company has recently started offering coaching to all managers at my level. It is optional. I have read what our HR department has posted about it, but they didn’t give much information.

I always thought coaching was for underperformers, but that isn’t how they are selling it. What would I work on with a coach? How would it benefit me? It seems to take a lot of time, which isn’t something I have much of. Maybe you can share some insight?

Coach or No Coach?

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Coach or No Coach,

Well, this is right up my alley, so thanks for that. I think it might be easiest to break the whole thing down into a few points:

• What is coaching
• Why work with a coach
• How to get the most out of coaching
• Questions to ask your HR department about coaching

What Is Coaching

Ask ten people what coaching is and you will get ten different answers. That might explain why your HR department is having trouble expressing the value of it. The International Coaching Federation (ICF—the largest, though not only, global professional association for coaches) defines coaching as:

 “Partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. The process of coaching often unlocks previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity and leadership.”

In our book, Coaching in Organizations, Linda Miller and I defined coaching this way:

“Coaching is a deliberate process using focused conversations to create an environment for individual growth, purposeful action, and sustained improvement. Coaching is a one-on-one process and a relationship between an individual and a coach, with specific objectives and goals focused on developing potential, improving relationships, and enhancing performance. Coaching uses a formalized yet personalized approach that integrates proven techniques for change with behavioral knowledge and hands-on practice. Coaching breaks down barriers to help achieve greater levels of accomplishment. It is a process of self-leadership that enables people to gain clarity about who they are, what they are doing, and why they are doing it.

“The one-on-one coaching relationship is used to:

• Unlock an individual’s potential and maximize his or her performance
• Challenge and aid individuals in taking effective action
• Lead individuals to an understanding of the essence of themselves (their character) to achieve satisfaction”

Professional coaches who work in organizations like yours tend to have a lot of experience working in companies, both as former employees and as coaches. They are adept at dealing with the predictable issues people have at work, which include:

• Managing complexity and multiple priorities
• Time, task, and meeting management
• Leading, managing, and developing others
• Career planning
• Leveraging strengths and mitigating weaknesses
• Developing a growth mindset
• Setting boundaries and creating habits that will ensure personal sustainability and avoid burnout
• Polishing interpersonal communications, managing political situations
• Developing and nurturing a network of relationships

Why Work with a Coach

Coaches can do good work only when clients are ready, willing, and able to devote a little extra time and brain space to their own growth. Coaching isn’t the right thing for everyone, all of the time. It would be a great time to work with a coach if you:

• want to be a better employee
• want to be a more effective manager
• have big career goals but aren’t making the kind of progress you’d like
• want to be more creative, assertive, or organized
• know you could develop more effective work habits
• want more time and space to reflect
• fantasize about having more of a life outside of work
• are frankly dissatisfied with your work life in any way

Many people I have worked with come back for a little while when they get a huge promotion, run into a difficult situation, or need to make a big decision. Working with a good coach will leave you with the ability to self-coach in the future.

Just for the record: it is important to distinguish that coaching isn’t consulting (although the coach might fill knowledge gaps when needed), counseling, or therapy. If you feel you might be struggling with depression, anxiety, or past trauma that is interfering with your ability to be at your best, coaching is not the right professional intervention.

If you feel like everything is absolutely perfect at work, you love everything about your life, and you wouldn’t change a thing, well, good on you! Now is probably not the best time to avail yourself of the opportunity to work with a coach.

Get the Most Out of Coaching

If you decide to go ahead with working with a coach, they will probably tell you this—but I will tell you anyway. You really will want to show up fully, with a beginner’s mind and a growth mindset. This can be defined as: “[when] people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” Dweck, 2015

You will want to:

• Schedule your appointments, keep your appointments, and protect your coaching time from intrusions.
• Work with your coach to set crystal clear, attainable goals for the coaching. Ask yourself: How will I know the coaching was a success? It is great to really like or even love your coach, but you still want to have something concrete to show for the investment.
• Ask questions. Share any of your doubts, concerns and impressions with your coach.
• Remember that you are the client. Ask for what you want. Tell your coach how to best serve you. If your coach isn’t asking enough questions, is talking too much or too fast, or is doing something that annoys you, tell them immediately! Think of it as designing an alliance with the sole purpose of serving you.
• Be willing to stretch in your commitments throughout your coaching sessions. You know you will have a safe place to process the experience and learn from it.
• Only commit to actions you are sure you will be able to follow through on. Start small and build, rather than shoot for the moon and feel disappointed.
• Be willing to share with colleagues your experience with being coached. The best way to internalize and integrate what you are learning is to talk about it and teach it to others if possible.

Questions to Ask

You will want to ask your HR department some basic questions like:

• Is the coaching confidential? (It should be; however, in most cases, as agents of the organization the coach is obligated to report on things that are out of compliance with company policy, such as sexual harassment, theft, or ethical breaches.)
• What will you, the organization, want to know about what goes on between me and my coach?
• Will I be able to choose my coach? Are all the available coaches certified?
• What if I don’t click with my coach?
• What if I want to keep working with my coach once the contracted time is up?

This should give you a place to start. I know that your time is a precious resource and it can be hard to imagine how making one more commitment will improve things. You might think about simply testing it out. Try doing an intro program for three months. Any decent coach will provide incalculable value from the word go, so if it feels like a waste of your time, either the coach isn’t good or it isn’t the right time for you to work with one.

Use your own judgment based on all of this. If you go ahead with it, I hope it is a brilliant experience for you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Reading about how tired we are is fatiguing. So let’s try something different.

We’re built to want to be part of something that’s meaningful. We’re eager to learn. We love wrestling with a challenge. It’s in our nature and we can’t help it. So instead of focusing on how everyone is depleted, why not appeal to our better selves?

Here are things you can do to re-energize yourself and your team.

Make Meetings Energizing

Here’s an all-too-typical meeting: a leader doggedly works through a PowerPoint deck while a restless audience scrolls through social media, checks email, or stares vacantly at the slides.

How do you avoid this and make your meetings more dynamic? Make sure everyone participates!

• Invite people to ask questions, and then elaborate on their answers.
• Ask attendees to call on other participants to share insights.
• Compliment people when they make an insightful observation.
• Have designated people share best practices, then open it up for others to contribute their brilliance.
• Put people in break-out rooms where they work on and create solutions to a current problem (Called Highly Paid Experts Activity.)

If you really want to engage people, ask, “What can we do that will put us out of business?” The purpose of this provocative question is to identify a real-work problem that perpetually pops up. Then have your team fix it. You can end the meeting by having all team members share their inspired ideas and then piloting the best solution.

Beat Meeting Fatigue

What to do if your team is inattentive?

Here’s an obvious solution: Hold shorter meetings. Schedule meetings of 20 instead of 30 minutes or 50 instead of 60 minutes. This will reduce cognitive overload and meeting fatigue.

You could also assign a different team member each week to run the meeting. They would be responsible for gathering agenda items and creating interactive exercises.

Here’s a different suggestion: stop the meeting and ask, “Is there anything we should start doing so we aren’t so drained? What should we continue doing? How can we make sure we’re serving customers and each other at the highest level? If you were running this meeting, what would you do to keep everyone engaged?”

You want to spark a courageous conversation. Your goal is to discover why your people are frustrated. Listen to their answers and weave their solutions into the fabric the workplace.

Hold Short, Weekly One-on-Ones

What? We are recommending another meeting?! One-on-ones are something different. Hear me out.

One-on-one meetings with your people are one of the most powerful tools a leader has to re-engage a fatigued workforce. They’re also one of the greatest gifts you can give someone—you are creating a reliable space where they set the agenda and share what’s on their mind. Another benefit? Since your people know they have this time coming up, they’ll contact you less often about the little things.

Your first job is to just listen. That’s easy to say—but hard to do. Our minds are so busy planning the next big thing that we often listen halfheartedly. What are people’s favorite three words to hear from you? Tell me more.

Here’s a common example of halfhearted listening: instead of focusing on what you were saying, your manager was scrolling through their phone. Now think of a time when you talked with a boss who leaned in, heard what you had to say, and even confided their frustrations and hopes. As the direct report, how much effort would you want to give to the manager who was preoccupied versus the one who genuinely cared?

Make one-on-ones with your people meaningful by asking these questions:

• What’s most important for you to discuss today?
• What would make your life easier here?
• What is energizing to you? What would you like to do more of? What consistently drains you?
• What can we do to make our team more effective?
• What about your job makes you want to take the day off?

Foster Connectedness

Fostering connectedness is a great antidote for fatigue. We can get energy from being around other people. Leaders can create connection by building a culture where people get to know each other, celebrate successes, recognize accomplishments, and generously give praise.

One idea is do a round robin where people share the goals they are working on and you share why they are so important to the team and organization.  This not only builds community, but fosters interdependence.

The business world has historically been a conservative place. But we are living through a unique time. We all need to be inclusive and welcome one another with open arms. People will thrive when you make them feel that they truly belong and introduce them to the amazing talents on their team.

Be Caring

Show others you care. Everyone has been affected by the pandemic—and everyone needs some compassion and support.

If someone looks frustrated, request they stay after the meeting and ask: “What’s going on with you? How can I help you? Do you need more direction on anything? How would you like me to support your ideas?”

Leaders can forget to do this when they’re under pressure—or worry they may create additional stress. But that’s not true. As a leader, your caring words will energize and engage.

Take Advantage of Emotional Contagiousness

Emotions are contagious. Here’s an example that proves it.

We all know what it’s like when that certain person walks into a room. You’re laughing with your colleagues, and all of a sudden, the energy is sucked right out of everyone. The part of the brain that recognizes and reacts to these kind of signals moves incredibly quickly and is observing all the time. So how we present ourselves is extremely important.

Each of us has to decide whether we want to be an energy vampire or an energizer. If you’ve read this far, I know you want to be an energizer.

Think about what energizes you. If you’re not sure, look for things that excite you when you talk, when you share, or when you hear an idea that piques your interest.

We need to acknowledge negative emotions so people can let them go, and also embed positive emotions by calling them out and “catching” their positivity. Energy follows focus: to create a high performing, energized team, be sure you are helping your people pay attention to what’s important.

Engage Online Audiences

Online meetings are a breeding ground for disengagement. People easily get bored staring at a screen, so they start multitasking or don’t pay attention. The fact is, people who are online need interactivity every two to three minutes to keep them focused.

Your challenge is to inspire your people to participate so they feel energized when they leave the meeting. A great way to generate interest is to ask “What was your biggest success this week?” After someone shares, ask them how they achieved it. By doing this, you are engaging and empowering speakers.

Chats, breakout rooms, and polls are other effective tactics for engaging virtual learners. A game/contest at the end of a meeting can add spice. You can create a crossword puzzle or hold an impromptu quiz show where your audience tries to stump top performers/leaders. And remember: repetition and engagement are needed if people are to transfer what they learned to the workplace.

Give the Spotlight to Your Top Performers

Have an employee who’s knocking it out of the park? Ask them to share with the team what they’re doing that helps them be so incredibly successful. Let them share their secret sauce.

When you do this, you’ll energize the person who gets to teach. You’ll also give your team a huge gift because they’ll learn how one of their peers is successfully tackling a challenge. Now all of your people will be energized because you have painted a picture of what a good job looks like and had someone show what to do to achieve it.

So there you have it: Lots of tips to fight pandemic fatigue.

We’re passing through extraordinarily difficult times, but we can still bring energy and vitality to the workplace. When you share the gift of connection and engagement with your people, you’ll inspire them and help them thrive.

About the author:

Vicki Halsey is Vice President of Applied Learning for The Ken Blanchard Companies. She is the author of Brilliance by Design, Legendary Service: The Key is to CARE, and Leading at a Higher Level. Vicki is the co-developer of Blanchard’s Legendary Service, and SLII® training programs.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team of seasoned, expert professionals in a fast-growing global company. My boss has told me in no uncertain terms that my biggest priority in the next year is to develop my team and groom a successor.

My biggest obstacle is, although every one of my team members is very good at their job, not a single one of them seems to have any idea how to rise above their day-to-day and see the bigger picture. I’ll give you an example of how this shows up.

I recently gave one of my people—I’ll call her Sharna—the opportunity to present to our executive team, which my boss is part of. It didn’t go well. I laid out the requirements for the presentation, which was two weeks away. I gave her clear direction on what the ET would want to hear about and what and how to think about it going in. I offered as much support as I thought she would need.

The meeting was scheduled for a Monday afternoon. She sent me her initial draft the prior Friday afternoon. I gave her feedback over the weekend and she sent me her final deck a couple of hours before go time.

I knew it wasn’t going to meet the ET’s expectations, but it was so close to the meeting that I thought it would do more harm than good (in terms of her confidence) to get her to make changes at that point. I did provide a few comments and she made some last-minute edits, but there were still typos and some repetition. It wasn’t up to standard at all.

My boss was not happy—and he, quite rightly, blamed me. But Sharna is a seasoned professional and an expert in her field. She had delivered much higher quality work in the past, and I had no reason to think I couldn’t trust her. Did I really need to express to her more clearly how important the presentation was? I thought it was glaringly obvious.

This is just one example. I guess I am expecting all of my people to be able to understand things that I see as self-evident. How do I to get them to think more strategically? I have to somehow get them out of the weeds—but I don’t want to turn them into versions of myself.

My People Are in the Weeds

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear My People Are in the Weeds,

Oh dear, this is a can of worms. Essentially, the leadership competency you need to build is Developing Others. As Stan Slap has said (I am paraphrasing; he is so witty), most leaders would prefer to go where they need to go by themselves and then send a postcard to their people saying “wish you were here”—because it’s so much work and so time consuming to get people to see your vision and help them walk the path you need them to walk! The problem is you simply can’t do it all yourself, which is what your boss is trying to get you to see. You must shift from doing everything yourself to getting things done with and through others.

If your people could see what you see, they would have your job. It sounds like you might suffer from a condition I, too, have, which is that if something is obvious to me, I assume it is obvious to everyone else. Big mistake.

So you and your people all need to develop some new skills. On top of the 24/7 scrum of day-to-day work, it feels like a lot. Because it is.

For you, this will mean getting crystal clear about your expectations. And don’t stop repeating them until you see evidence that each person not only understands them but also has a plan to figure out how to meet them.

This will require patience and diligence on your part. Expect it to be tedious. You are addressing people who have been successful their entire careers because of their subject matter expertise and their ability to get things done. You are asking them to think differently and step out of their comfort zone, which takes practice. And it is scary for people when they are asked to try new things they know they aren’t good at.

To help them think bigger picture, your people need to understand what the executive leadership team is thinking about, their immediate concerns, the problems they are trying to solve, and the threats they see coming at the organization that are keeping them up at night. If your CEO is not sharing all of that intel regularly, it really is your job to relay anything you know to your team. The more you do that on a regular basis, the more your people will develop the habit of paying attention to how their job connects to the bigger picture. You just cannot expect them to tear their eyeballs away from their day-to-day tasks and look to the horizon unless you are directing their gaze there.

Regarding the presentation, I agree that the lack of thoughtfulness and preparation was clearly not where it needed to be. We all know that there is simply no substitute for preparation and time to iterate and practice. You might just get curious and check in with Sharna with some questions. Something along the lines of: “What happened? I expected more preparation and for you to allow time for iteration and you came in hot. Is there something going on I should know about?”

Is it possible she has an issue with presentation skills? Subject matter expertise is critical, of course, but taking into consideration who is in the audience, what they need to take away from the presentation, and how they prefer to consume information is a whole skill in itself. You might turn her on to the work of Nancy Duarte, who helps people master the art of using data to tell a story and shape information so that it connects to their chosen audience. She has multiple excellent books and workshops.

I hear your concern about not wanting to micromanage people so they simply parrot what you want them to say. I have heard this from many leaders. But here’s the thing: If people knew how to do what you want them to do, they would be doing it. So be specific about what you want, teach them if you have to, and stay alongside them until they can fly solo. They are still going to be themselves and bring their own strengths to the party as they get more comfortable with the task. Don’t worry about turning people into mini-me’s – it won’t happen, I promise.

You are obviously a pro, a high achiever, and a hard worker. You can do this if you think it is important enough.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

That’s not a big surprise to Ann Rollins, a solutions architect with The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“Most companies employ newsletters and email as the number one way to reinforce learning,” says Rollins, “even though they know having managers hold learners accountable is the best method.

“Including different people in the organization requires more mindshare, but we know it pays off. If you’re not engaging organizational leaders in this way, you’re leaving money on the table.”

Rollins also suggests focusing on two important aspects of the learner experience (LX) when thinking about reinforcement strategies.

“In the case of leadership development, leaders need both a mindset shift and skills. If you don’t take the time to set the context and get to the mindset of the leader, you’re just teaching them to fight fires. The challenge is how to deliver both in tandem. That’s where good LX design comes in.”

Rollins recommends that L&D professionals take a marketer’s approach and build a learning content funnel that starts with awareness at the top, knowledge in the middle, and skill development at the bottom of the funnel.

“At the top of the funnel, we might place a brief article on challenging assumed constraints. For the learner who wants to learn more, we would provide some additional resources.

“From there, the learner could access a collection of assets that layers on, builds, and extends the learning experience—it’s going from a first blush to dipping their toe into the middle stage of the funnel. If the learner wants some additional skill development and tools, they can sign up for a 90-minute session that is very specific to challenging assumed constraints, which is the bottom of the funnel.

“This is the opt-in approach. We use curated content to generate interest. And when people want to learn more, they have a clear path to a short-form, virtual experience and then a deeper dive option to get the tools they need.”

Would you like to learn more about best practices in design and reinforcement?  Join Ann Rollins for a webinar on December 15: Designing Effective Learning Experiences for a Hybrid Work Environment

Rollins will share strategies and techniques for successfully navigating the challenges of learning design in a time when people are fatigued with virtual life, fighting distractions, balancing priorities, and constantly multitasking.  Use this link to learn more.  The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Have you noticed that some people in your organization can be counted on in critical situations to consistently deliver a stellar performance? These people seem to play the game at a higher level. Liz Wiseman calls them Impact Players. In her latest book, Impact Players: How to Take the Lead, Play Bigger, and Multiply Your Impact, Wiseman explains what these people are doing differently to offer peak performance.

Based on the kind of extensive research we’ve come to expect from Wiseman, she identifies five ways Impact Players are different from other people.

1. While others do their job, Impact Players figure out the real job to be done.
2. While others wait for direction, Impact Players step up and lead.
3. While others escalate problems, Impact Players move results across the finish line.
4. While others attempt to minimize change, Impact Players learn and adapt to change.
5. While others add to the load, Impact Players make heavy demands feel lighter.

Furthermore, Wiseman reports that when leaders offer a little coaching, all employees can develop the mindset they need to begin to contribute their best. The book includes 25 stories of top performers in action that will inspire you—and make Wiseman’s book impossible to put down.

For more information about Liz Wiseman, visit www.thewisemangroup.com

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Liz Wiseman, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today.

If you ask some people how they feel about their boss as a leader, they might say “It depends on what day it is.” Some leaders’ moods and behaviors are subject to things as random as their morning commute, the day’s financials, or whether they skipped breakfast. They can be relaxed and pleasant one day and snarling the next. I once worked with a company where a few managers who reported to a vice president confided in me that they never knew which version of the boss was going to appear. Sometimes the VP would be fun and other times he would attack. The managers even took bets on which one of them was going to trigger his wrath that day! Sound familiar?

When leaders show up in different ways on different days, direct reports can’t help but be confused. They don’t know what to expect from their leader or what their leader expects from them. This can be detrimental not only for the workers, but also for the leaders and their organizations in terms of employee retention—especially now during the “Great Resignation.” In fact, studies show that less than half of employees don’t know what is expected of them—and 75% of workers say the most stressful aspect of their job is their immediate boss.

A Proven Approach for Leadership Success

In his book The Leadership Engine, Noel Tichy proves through his extensive research that the most effective leaders have a clear, teachable point of view they are willing to share with the people they work with. These leaders know what to expect from themselves and their people so that, together, they and their organizations can succeed.

My wife, Margie, and I realized that leaders who identified and shared their leadership point of view had a crystal clear picture of their intentions as a leader. We were so fascinated with this approach that, along with our company cofounder Pat Zigarmi, we created a course called “Communicating Your Leadership Point of View” and teach it as part of the Master of Science in Executive Leadership degree program at the University of San Diego. 

Determining Your Leadership Point of View

When reflecting on and composing your own leadership point of view, focus on these three elements:

• Think of key people and events that have influenced your life and your beliefs about leadership
• Identify and define your values in terms of your leadership
• Detail your expectations of yourself and of others, as well as what others can expect of you

It’s important to take your time with this exercise. As you write, think of the effect sharing your leadership beliefs, values, and expectations will have on your people—how they will feel knowing you care enough to share your feelings about yourself as a leader. Good leadership is a side-by-side partnership. Communicating your leadership point of view to your team members gives them a sense of connection with you because it clarifies the leader you endeavor to be.

Following Up is Crucial

This point may seem obvious, but I believe it needs to be emphasized: great leaders must walk their talk.

After you share your leadership point of view, your people will be watching to see whether your behavior matches your words. Get ahead of this by giving them permission to give you feedback. After all, you have just finished telling them who you really want to be as a leader—now show them. Let them know you are accountable and want your actions to align with your values. Say something like “Now I need to ask you for your help. Even though I strive to achieve these standards every day, I sometimes fall short. Anytime you see me diverting from the behaviors I’ve just described, let me know. Your honest feedback will help me be more consistent in my leadership style so that I can be the leader you need me to be.”

Sharing your leadership story means your people won’t have to guess how you will show up each morning. You have stated in your own words the kind of leader you want to be and have given them permission to hold you accountable. It’s a powerful way to define and demonstrate your leadership style, to instill trust, confidence, and loyalty in your team members, and to strengthen your own feelings about yourself as a leader.

What’s your leadership legacy? How do you want to be seen as a leader? How do you want to be remembered? Your leadership point of view is something only you can give. It’s your signature—your unique perspective on leadership. Let your people know who you are.

Editor’s Note: Looking for more information on the Leadership Point of View process?  Visit the Leadership Point Of View information page on the Blanchard website.

In a perfect world, your leaders are inspiring, people know how to succeed, and everyone is engaged. In the real world, leaders are a source of tension, people aren’t sure what to do, and employees are disengaged.

A few distressing facts show how dysfunctional the typical office is

• 75% of workers say the most stressful aspect of their job is their immediate boss_[1]
• 54% of workers are “not engaged” and 14% of workers are “actively disengaged”_[2]
• 50% of employees don’t know what is expected of them_[3]

Leaders not understanding either their leadership points of view or how they affect others is a cause of these troubles.

Most leaders haven’t taken the time to reflect on their leadership values or how they want to lead. Because of this, direct reports have little insight into a leader’s motivations. This can leave them confused by their leader’s actions and suspicious of their intentions. Misunderstanding, lack of trust, and disengagement quickly follow.

But you can create a dynamic workplace with Leadership Point of View (LPOV): a transformative learning experience that takes leaders on a journey of self-understanding.

LPOV helps your leaders identify experiences that shaped how they lead. Blanchard coaches assist them in developing a compelling narrative that turns these pivotal events into a leadership story. Leaders then share their journey with their colleagues.

Sharing a Leadership Point of View is a deeply personal experience that wins the hearts of listeners. By being vulnerable, leaders reveal themselves and their leadership philosophy. People gain a new perspective of their leader and a better understanding of their motivations. A leader is freed to be more authentic and inspiring. Their people find a renewed commitment to working with them.

Several Blanchard leaders recently participated in the LPOV. We asked them to share their experiences.

What was your biggest challenge before sharing your LPOV?

Lindsay Ray, Senior Director of Client Services: Before discovering my LPOV, I had never taken the time to dig deep and really consider what life experiences have defined how I lead today. I get stuck in the trap of thinking “there is nothing that interesting about me,” so I had to do some real reflection. I felt a bit nervous and unsure about what the outcome would be. 

Diana Johnson Urbina, Head of Coaching Services: I tend to be action oriented. I make fast decisions, with the intent to test each idea. It’s rarely a final decision when I make one. Some of my people were struggling to believe this. They perceived me as dictating how things should be done, and I never intended them to feel this way. I was disappointed to learn that some had made these assumptions and I was frustrated with the resulting dynamics on my team.

Richard Pound, Vice President of Indirect Sales: People knew me, but didn’t know how I became the person I am. Sometimes, they didn’t understand why I considered something important. That could be frustrating to me and those that I work with.

What was your LPOV experience like?

Richard Pound: It was a discovery experience. I say “discover,” as your LPOV is already inside you, but the process I went through helped me surface, clarify, and articulate what is important to me as a leader. It helped me understand my core personal values and share the events in my life that have shaped me as a person and as a leader.

It was a very safe, supportive, and rewarding experience—and a challenging one because I had really dig deep to explore the experiences that made me who I am.

Diana Johnson Urbina: The experience I had with my coach was wonderful. It felt like a chat with an old friend about how I came to be the leader I am today. I was given an opportunity to share how my experiences shaped me and what I value. I was able to draw a clear line between my values and expectations.

Lindsay Ray: It gave my colleagues a frame of reference about me that they never would have had otherwise. It put language to my values, and gave me something to refer back to, especially when things at work are challenging. 

What changed after sharing your LPOV?

Diana Johnson Urbina: Everyone was so appreciative that I was willing to share and be so open and vulnerable. It helped them connect with me. Some of my team members who were guarded became more open and felt more comfortable with my leadership approach. I asked them, “Given my values and expectations, where are we aligned and where are we at odds? How can we navigate the gaps we have?” They felt comfortable to answer honestly.

Lindsay Ray: My people reacted very positively! Everyone was supportive, asked great questions, and was genuinely interested in learning more about me and my story. We felt closer because of it. Some of the stories I had shared only with the people close to me, so it was a big step to share them professionally. 

Richard Pound: My team had a better understanding of what to expect from me. They also knew what I would expect of them. This deeper understanding was extremely valuable. My people also really appreciated me showing that kind of vulnerability.

Sharing my key values was also helpful. People understood why I do what I do, and why I am what I am.

Because my people now had a much better understanding of my priorities, they are more committed to accomplishing things I consider important. I feel empowered to be a better leader. And being a better leader improves the lives of the people you lead.

Anything else you’d like to share?

Richard Pound: This has been an invaluable discovery process for me, and I see the real impact that it has had on the way that we work as a team. Going through the LPOV process with my work colleagues was also very rewarding. I learned more about them and built deeper relationships.

Lindsay Ray: It was thoughtful, deep, and inspiring to hear the story of others. Overall it was a wonderful experience! 

Diana Johnson Urbina: To sum up the impact it had,it improved psychological safety for my team. It gave them permission to be real. Now we all operate at a much more authentic and appreciative level.

How about you?

Ready to start your leaders on their journey of self-discovery with Leadership Point of View?  Visit the  LPOV information page on the Blanchard website.  Interested in learning more about the LPOV process from a first-hand experience?  Join us for a complimentary webinar on October 20, Creating and Sharing Your Leadership Point of View.  The event is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

[1] https://www.mckinsey.com/business-functions/organization/our-insights/the-boss-factor-making-the-world-a-better-place-through-workplace-relationships

[2] https://www.gallup.com/workplace/313313/historic-drop-employee-engagement-follows-record-rise.aspx

[3] fastcompany.com/90679528/i-spoke-to-5000-people-and-these-are-the-real-reasons-theyre-quitting

Dear Madeleine,

I am the executive director of a well established not-for-profit organization. I am passionate about our mission, and I know we do great things for our community.

My problem is that I am exhausted—physically, mentally, and psychologically. We have recently been through a couple of big hiccups with one bad hire, one very reliable director who has had to go out on medical leave, and some intractable logistical issues.

It just never seems to end. Problems come at me all day and it would take 12- to 14-hour days to get it all done. That would probably be okay, but I have kids at home and a partner who is getting fed up with my mono-focus on the job.

I know I need to bring in more of the right kind of help, but hiring takes a lot of time—and I am gun-shy from the last hire that turned out to be nightmare. I never have time to think anything through. I am in constant reaction mode.

I have always been driven and I just don’t seem to be able to turn it off—especially when there are so many critical things that need my attention. I envy people who don’t have to work, because they can go to yoga and take walks—things I have always done to stay centered. I can’t remember the last time I did either.

There has to be a better way but I just don’t know what it might be. Would appreciate your thoughts.

Feeling so Done

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling so Done,

Boy, do I understand your situation. It sounds very familiar, and very difficult. I would say almost every client I work with—every one of them as driven as you—is up against similar circumstances. The rapid change everyone is dealing with, the challenge of finding the right people to fill important roles, and the constant press of needing to do more with fewer resources are all conspiring to push many folks to the brink.

Here is the thing, FsD. Your nature—to set big audacious goals and then drive toward them with unwavering commitment—is part of the problem. It can be easy, when you have experienced real success because of your drive, to let your drive take over your life. But now it is impacting your mental health and your family life. Drive is like any kind of useful energy—let’s say fire. A well controlled fire is a miracle, and useful in innumerable ways. But an uncontrolled fire is a disaster. It is up to you to use this uncomfortable moment to make a permanent change—from letting your drive have power over you to leveraging your drive to power you. Drive is a wonderful gift. But like all great gifts, it has a dark side.

At the risk of offending you, I might submit that your boss is a relentless task master who needs to cease and desist. Of course, your boss is you. If you go down, which you will if you keep this up, the whole house of cards will go down. It is up to you to stop the madness. Have a chat with your boss (take a walk and have a long chat with yourself) and negotiate for a saner way through this difficult time. You are down two important people, so you simply aren’t going to be able to accomplish everything you had planned. Look at your calendar and cancel stuff.

“I can’t!” you are silently screaming. To which I reply, “Yes you can, and you must!” But how?

• Call people you have made commitments to and negotiate a change in deadline and/or deliverables.
• Block off your calendar for a walk or a yoga class every day. I promise you that you will be much better equipped to deal with all of the problems that need solutions. You will think more clearly, be better at creative problem solving, and be much more optimistic. All of the research shows that this is true—and you know it is true from your own experience.
• Choose a couple of things that you will put off until you are properly staffed.
• Work with your partner to understand what their complaints are and what they think would be satisfactory from you in terms of after-work time. Negotiate an approach you believe you can commit to, and then follow through. If you decide to be home to be with family at 6:00, don’t schedule any meetings after 5:00 so you have time to review the day, look at the next day, carry over tasks, and breathe. That way, when you walk through the door you can be fully present with the people you love the most in the world. People like you really need the full support of their family. And your family can tell you how much they really need you at home: what is “nice to have” and what is “have to have” for them.

I think of these techniques as personal sustainability: these are the things you need to do to go the distance. If you keep going the way you are currently going, you will just burn yourself to the ground.

A word about envy: I learned this from my dear friend and colleague Laura Berman Fortgang, and I have never heard anyone else say it. But I think it is so true. Envy is simply data. It is information about your deepest desires, your wildest dreams. So when you notice that you get a stab of envy when you see others going to yoga, or taking their walks, that is an indication of exactly how critical it is to you. Let your envy inform your priorities.

There is no shame in stepping back and reshuffling priorities in the face of changed circumstances. The problems coming at you will still be there tomorrow. Your to-do list will be there tomorrow. Remind yourself that nobody will actually die if you do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

No one else can do it for you, FsD. Only you can reclaim your sanity. You have everything you need to do it—you just have to decide that you are going to.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small group of what we call WMS professionals—Website Marketing Specialists. They all work remotely, and the group has developed into an extremely effective team.

I am very proud of our work; together we have found a way to really add value to sales and to the company. Taken individually, each woman (the team is all female, totally randomly) is delightful, professional, and easy to work with.

My problem is that, together, they fan the flames of their worst instincts, and—there is no other way to say it—they are a group of “mean girls.”  I have gotten several complaints; from other marketing teams, from salespeople, even from our service representatives, who are responsible for serving the contracts when we land them.

On our weekly team calls, the WMS women talk smack about other people in the company. They have nothing nice to say about anyone. As a group, they send out rude emails when colleagues don’t do things the way they think things should be done. Several have been forwarded to me with “WTH” and multiple question marks.

On a recent call with our head of sales—who is my boss—they were goofing around in the chat and paying no attention at all to the presentation. I was amazed—this was their boss’s boss. He mentioned that he noticed it and was put off.  It was just straight up bad behavior that none of these women would tolerate from their children, let alone colleagues.

I don’t want to de-motivate anyone by criticizing, but the reputation of the team is starting to suffer and undermine our excellent work. I need to do something; I just don’t know what. Where would you start?

Mean Girls Running Amok

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mean Girls Running Amok,

Although the Mean Girl reference made me laugh, I would argue that you have a slightly different problem. A little research on the Mean Girl phenomenon revealed that the term defines the behavior as “relational aggression” or using friendship as weapon. So, if a couple of bullies on the team were terrorizing one of its members, that would technically be a Mean Girl situation. The good news here is that you have a powerful intact team versus a potentially trickier situation, where some of the women on the team are ganging up on other team members. The bad news, of course, is that your team has closed ranks against other teams. I would describe your phenomenon as one where a team has formed such a strong, even tribal bond and feels so great about itself that it sets itself apart, above and beyond other teams and others in the organization. This is the dark side of strong team bonding. You may think I am splitting hairs here, but I believe the distinction is important. Plus, most adult women would object to being called girls, regardless of the context.

You are right not to criticize—the last thing you want is for your team to gang up on you, which is a very real risk.  But you must have the hard conversation—with the whole team. If there is clear ringleader, you might be tempted to start with her. But that could backfire by undermining the cohesion of the group—which you want to continue to maximize. So that means having the conversation with the whole group. For that you will want a model for how to have a challenging conversation, and my favorite one comes from Conversational Capacity by Craig Webber.

Blanchard’s Conversational Capacity program defines conversational capacity as the ability of an individual or a team to engage in open, balanced, non-defensive dialogue about difficult subjects and in challenging circumstances. It is also the sweet spot where innovation happens.

Craig says that to get yourself into the right mindset, you need to find the sweet spot between minimizing behaviors and winning behaviors. Minimizing in your case might sound like: “Hey team, I think we have a pattern that might be hurting us,” while winning might sound like: “Team, you are all behaving badly, and you need to fix it or else.” You are going to want to find that sweet spot between the two that might sound something like: “Team, I have observed some behaviors—and have gotten feedback from others—that some things being done are tarnishing our reputation and undermining our great work. I want to share those with you and think through together what we might do differently.”

You will want to strike a balance between candor and curiosity. You can rely on candor to outline the problem as you see it and the potential negative consequences you all face. Then, you can apply your curiosity to understand the underlying reasons for the damaging behaviors and really hear all points of view on the topic. Craig says we can achieve this balance by:

• Stating our clear position
• Explaining the underlying thinking that informs our position
• Testing our perspective
• Inquiring into the perspective of others. (pg. 78)

Some sample inquiries might be:

• How do you guys see this situation?
• What is your take on this?
• What is your reaction to what I have just laid out?
• Does what you are hearing sound like the way you want to be perceived as a team?

There is a good chance that some members of your team will be appalled and embarrassed, and you will need to be okay with that. You will also need to be okay with the person who minimizes by getting defensive and claiming that people are too sensitive and should get over themselves.

Once you have gotten some input and allowed your team reflect a little, you will have to make an official request for a change in behavior. You may be able to lean on the company values, if they exist. In our company we have a value we call Kenship (I know, isn’t it adorable?), which is defined as: “We value Ken [Blanchard]’s spirit of compassion, humility, and abundance. Kenship describes a sense of connectedness, a commitment to serve others, and a desire to have fun.” We also have the value Trustworthiness, which is described as: “We do the right thing. We are fair and ethical and do what we say we’re going to do.” Values like these make it easy to call out behaviors that are not aligned and help to keep the conversation objective. If your company doesn’t have stated values, now might be the time to craft a team charter, working together to define team values that will serve to guide everyone’s conduct moving forward. You obviously have a lot going for you already, so this could be a great way to develop the team into something even better.

Trashing everyone outside of the team is a way for the team to build connection; it is a habit the group has formed together. It is also a form of unhealthy entertainment. The key will be to help them shape new, good habits to replace the old bad habits, while continuing to nurture their connection.

What you can’t do is nothing. It is up to you to work with your team to repair the damage that has been done and lead them to become a team whose success is celebrated across the whole organization. It sounds like your team members are all fundamentally good and decent people. Once they see their dysfunctional behaviors reflected back to them, they will probably be willing to change. Lead on!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP for a major insurance company where I have been leading a large team for five years. I was just getting the hang of things when COVID hit, and since then it has been a mad scramble to keep up with all of the changes. I have a hybrid workforce now, with over 50% of our employees working from home most of the time. Our CEO resigned and we have an almost completely new executive team.

We are just now getting back on an even keel, but I’ve noticed something unpleasant happening. I am lucky to have relationships all over the company so I hear things through the grapevine—and I’ve been hearing weird gossip and crazy rumors.

One rumor was that we are selling an entire section of the company. Another whopper was that I am planning to leave. None of it is true—but what is true is that my people are on edge and the gossip mill isn’t helping.

How can I stop this nonsense?

Hate Gossip

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Hate Gossip,

So do I—unless I am the one doing it. It’s so much fun to gossip! I spent a full year a long time ago abiding by a “no gossip ever” rule and it was excruciatingly difficult. I defined gossip as talking about anyone who wasn’t in the room, or repeating news that I wasn’t 100% sure was true. In an organizational setting it wasn’t sustainable, but my experiment certainly shed some light on where the fine lines are.

Gossip itself isn’t all bad, all the time. It’s the way humans seek to understand the world—what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior in the shared culture. Anyone who is the parent of a middle or high schooler can see budding gossips at work as their kids seek to get their arms around the unspoken rules.

Evolutionarily, gossip is a survival mechanism—a way for us to manage uncertainty and plan how to navigate our own path. Gossip is the way to spread information (and, of course, misinformation) across large social networks. And it is one of the ways we create relationships and connections—bond with others. Our brains absolutely love gossip because it releases little bursts of dopamine that hit the reward center just like chocolate, shopping, alcohol, and drugs—in short, gossip can become addictive.

Humans tend to share information that provokes strong feelings, even if we’re not sure it’s true. It’s fun and entertaining to provoke strong feelings in others and it deepens relationships. In fact, just receiving gossip can make us feel like we’re part of the “in group.” It’s simply the way we’re wired. So shutting down all gossip is probably an unachievable goal.

But here’s what you can do: you can tackle the situation head on. Tell your team it has come to your attention that some people, both inside and outside of the team, are spreading rumors that are not true—and that this is triggering negative feelings for no reason and causing enormous distraction and damage. Then make a clear request, something like:

“When you hear something, please…

• Notice how it makes you feel.
• Check it out with someone who knows the truth. Feel free to start with me. If I don’t know, I will try to find out.
• Don’t spread information that you are not 100% certain is true.
• Be a force for bringing us together, not creating division.”

Then, when someone does come to you, thank them for checking it out with you. Don’t shoot the messenger!

You could also make a commitment to being a role model by noticing how and when you engage in gossip yourself. You may be inadvertently condoning gossip by sharing questionable info with your own team members or peers without even realizing it—after all, you’re only human.

Finally, gossip (especially the whopping, tall-tale type) tends to increase when people are stressed by extreme and rapid change. So you can probably take it all with a grain of salt knowing that it will subside. Your being a role model for telling the truth and holding a safe place for people to share their fears will help them feel more settled and focused on what matters most.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I recently had a situation that I now see I handled very badly with one of my second-line reports in India. Sandeep (name changed for confidentiality) had gone completely AWOL. This coincided with his direct supervisor (my direct report) going on maternity leave early. Her back-up person wasn’t in place yet, so it escalated to me. Sandeep had been totally inaccessible and had missed deadlines with no communication. His team was short staffed and the service was suffering. His team was in an uproar, people were mad at Sandeep, and things were going downhill fast.

I got Sandeep on the phone and read him the riot act. I have always been direct and focused on performance, which has always worked for me. Plus, I was stressed because that wasn’t the only crisis landing on my desk at the time.

Months went by and I thought nothing of it until my direct report returned from her leave.

As it turns out, Sandeep’s mother and father suffered life-changing impacts resulting from a critical COVID infection and hospitalization. I knew India had been particularly hard hit by the Covid situation, but the area where our office was had yet to be affected. Sandeep had been sending texts and emails to his direct supervisor, but of course she was having her own crisis with her pregnancy and was radio silent.

I have just learned about all of this, and I feel terrible about it. My reputation has suffered and I am being viewed as a heartless task master. How do I recover from this? How can I restore my reputation? Yes, I am performance focused, but I am really not a monster.

Recriminating

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Recriminating,

Clearly you are not a monster. I acknowledge your self-awareness and your willingness to take responsibility for causing someone pain and hardship. So many would just shrug it off and get on with things.

There is one short-term action you might take, and other longer-term ones to consider.

Let’s start with the short term, as in, do now: Apologize. Why is it so hard for people to say “I’m sorry”? It is a bit of a mystery to me. In The Fourth Secret of The One Minute Manager, Ken Blanchard and Margret McBride share that people who can’t apologize derive their own self-worth from their performance and the opinion of others. Is it the fear of appearing vulnerable? Probably. Mostly, I think people don’t know how to do it. Or they know it will be super uncomfortable, so they just choose to avoid it.

Ken and Margret outline some key points to keep in mind when it has come to your attention that you probably should apologize:

• Apologize as soon as possible after you recognize your error.
• Be scrupulously honest and specific about what you did wrong and how you would correct it if you could.
• Let go of any ideas you have about the outcome or results of your apologizing. You can’t go in with an authentic apology hoping for a quid pro quo.
• Create a plan for how you might fix the situation you caused and share it with the appropriate people.

Long-term action is going to involve your taking some time to reflect on how your belief systems or attitudes about leadership and people influenced the way events played out. What might need to change to prevent such behavior in the future? Essentially, you have broken trust with your people. It might be helpful for you to take a look at our Trust Model to assess the specific areas that may apply to you. I love the way this model takes something that can seem very abstract and makes it crystal clear and tangible. Our model breaks trust down into four components: Able, Believable, Connected, and Dependable.

It sounds like the area you could focus on is Connected, which means you care about others. This is the trust area I personally struggle with the most. When there is a lot at stake and a ton to do, the first thing that flies out the window for me is Connection, so I really empathize with you.

This area breaks down into these three dimensions: Benevolence, Communication, and Rapport.

Some questions might be:

• Are you perceived as generally kind and decent?
• Do you actually care about others’ well being?
• Are you capable of demonstrating empathy?
• Do your people feel that you have their backs?
• Do you schedule time and spend time simply connecting and conversing with your people?
• Do you communicate enough with each of your people to feel like you know them and they know you?
• Have you made appropriate efforts to develop rapport with everyone on your team?
• Do you look for opportunities to acknowledge, encourage, praise, and advocate for others?

If you really do care—and it sounds like you do—the next step is to take concrete steps to show it. (If you really don’t care, well, that is a different problem and I would recommend you examine that point of view.)

Start with your immediate team and then branch out to peers and your skip-level folks. Concrete steps could be regular one-on-one meetings and group coffee chats. I understand nobody wants more meetings, but getting together is a basic human need. Our CEO used to have a monthly lunch with everyone who had their birthday in that month. Our company got too big, and we had too many folks in the field, and then, of course, COVID. But it lasted a long time and made a big difference for people. Something—anything—you can do to simply spend time getting to know people will help.

Work relationships are like all relationships—they just require a little attention. Nobody wants a lot of friends who only call when they need something. You don’t want your team to automatically assume they are about to get yelled at when they see your name on their phone.

A couple of rules of thumb to consider:

• Unless you have previous evidence the person doesn’t deserve it, give them the benefit of the doubt. If you really can’t do that, your hiring practices might need some revising.
• There is always time to read people the riot act after you have ascertained that is what’s needed.
• When in doubt, ask questions first. What’s going on? is a always a good place to start.

All of your natural tendencies to be direct and to focus on performance will still be there, don’t worry. No one is going to think you’ve gone soft. People might actually perceive you as someone who cares—and honestly, how can that be a bad thing?

As solutions architect Ann Rollins, my colleague and friend, recently wrote in an email: “Tomorrow is a new day indeed, and we own our script. What are the things you have been thinking about that you can choose to do differently? We’re only here for a short time, friend. Let’s make the seconds, hours, and days add up!”

Well said, I think.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of project and program managers responsible for keeping software implementations on track for a global company. I have five regional directors, each of whom manage about fifteen individual service representatives.

The frontline folks are highly skilled—their jobs require a lot of technical experience and real expertise. They are dedicated and hard working. The problem is that as our sales have taken off, no one seems to understand how much the volume of work has increased for my group.

My people are all working way too much and at all hours, because so many of our customers have teams in multiple time zones. A rep might have a 4:00 a.m. call, work all day, and then have another call at 9:00 p.m. It’s just too much. Things are falling through the cracks and we are not able to return some help calls in the prescribed short time frame. Salespeople are getting upset and accusing my folks of not being on top of things.

I think we need to revisit job design and fine-tune how we deal with the time zone situation, including hiring more people in more time zones. I have been researching how other companies are dealing with this and I have some good ideas.

My EVP’s idea is to roll out customer service training to all frontline professionals. That is the last thing they need as they are very service oriented. There is only so much one person can do. I think if we try to get our people to attend customer service training, they will revolt and quit. My EVP doesn’t get it.

I am a quiet person and get very nervous when I need to negotiate and take a stand for my point of view, which is what I know I need to do. I just don’t know if I can. What do you suggest?

Need to Negotiate

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Need to Negotiate,

It sounds like you truly care about your people and understand your business. I understand how intimidating it can be to have to push back on your boss and make your case for a different approach.

You are right that asking your people to go through service training instead of redesigning systems to make their workload more manageable will not get the results your EVP is looking for. I know exactly what you mean, having had the experience of doing coaching skills training for overwhelmed groups who literally walked out because the training was so beside the point for them.

So, yeah, you do have to take a stand. Losing your skilled people would be disastrous for you and for the folks who remain!

Your first line of defense is data. Your EVP needs to understand the toll of the “24/7 Always On” situation. It is not sustainable. I’ll bet you have kept very good records of how much and when your folks are delivering to clients. The more you can clearly demonstrate the reality of what is going on, the more effective your negotiations will be. Use your data analytics to paint the picture in a way your boss can clearly understand. To do that, think about what language your boss speaks most easily. Some people speak Excel (just numbers), some speak Word (numbers with anecdotal evidence), and some speak PowerPoint (graphs and visuals).

Next, write up your ideas about job redesign. Present your two best options and compare the cost of each to the cost of irrelevant training. Be clear about where the ideas came from and be ready with evidence to support your assertions. Having everything down on paper, well thought out, and presented in a way your EVP can understand will give you a lot of confidence.

Nervousness can often be alleviated with proper preparation. Trying to make your case without all your ducks in a row would not be effective. Get your presentation together and practice it, preferably with another person or persons. Give your practice audience questions to ask and encourage them to ask other questions that occur to them so you are prepared for something that might come out of left field.

You can lean on how much you care about your people to help you overcome your nerves, too. Remember: this is about them, not about you.

Senior executives know what you are thinking only if you tell them—and it is your job to prevent disaster here. Nobody will appreciate an “I told you so” after the fact. So practice saying “this is my position on this, and here is how I got to it.” I am not saying this will guarantee success, but at least you will have given it your best shot.

If you really want to sharpen your negotiating skills long term, my new favorite book on that topic is Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. I have been testing out some of his simple but effective techniques and I’m very intrigued. His material may not immediately make you a crack hostage negotiator (at least it hasn’t happened for me yet), but it could be a start.

This is your chance to lead. A lot of quiet folks think their predisposition to introversion will work against them, but I have not experienced that to be true. Yes, you have to work on your confidence. But you are well positioned to prepare with unimpeachable analysis and to take courage from your purpose to properly care for your people.

I’m betting you can.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director-level leader in a national insurance organization. The culture here is that things get done slowly, and only when everyone agrees with the change.

I have been tasked with spearheading a ton of change, which is desperately needed. I have not made any friends with my approach and my boss has told me that my “brand” is suffering.

Apparently, I am seen as arrogant—and I am arrogant, I guess. I am an expert in my field and I just don’t understand why people can’t just take my word for it when I explain what needs to be done.

My fiancée has pointed out that I get combative and defensive when my expertise is challenged. She thinks my ego is getting in my way. I concede that that might be true, but I have no idea what to do about it.

Would appreciate any ideas.

Ego is Getting in My Way

_________________________________________________________________

Dear Ego is Getting in My Way,

You wouldn’t be the first to deal with this particular issue. The good news is that you are aware of how you have contributed to creating this situation, which is maybe the biggest hurdle. I worked with a speaking coach many years ago who said something I will never forget: “They won’t buy the message if they don’t buy the messenger.” It is just about as true an adage as I have ever heard.

Your first step is to adopt a little humility. Your ego might well be your problem, and it might be combined with a strong need for expediency or for being right. Probably both. That’s okay. Your needs won’t tank your career, but trying to get them met in a way that repels people will. Notice when your need is driving your behavior—and, if you have to, put your hand over your mouth to keep yourself from saying something that won’t get you the results you want. Ken Blanchard says, “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” Another brilliant adage. So instead of reflexively getting your own needs met, think about the needs of the people you have to influence. Almost everyone needs to be considered, heard, and respected. People often use the word arrogant about someone when they feel devalued by that person. So stop sending the message that you feel you are surrounded by idiots.

Now either create or nurture your relationships with every single person you need on your side. “Oh wow,” you might be thinking, “who has time for that?” You do. Because it is the only way you are going to be successful. Make a map of every single person you need and make it your mission to get to know them and to let them get to know you. In these days of social distancing it is harder than ever, but it must be done. If there are some folks located near you, set up breakfast, coffee or drinks meetings. Keep the focus off of work and simply get to know people. Years ago the NYTimes published a wonderful article called The 36 Questions That Lead to Love. (If you need a subscription to see that, here is another way to get to them.) You may think “What? What does this have to do with love?” Everything—because you actually really need to know the people you work with and they need to know you. Once people really know each other, they tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you can’t get together in person, do some “getting to know you” calls over Zoom. It will feel really weird and uncomfortable, but you just have to do it.

You will still be yourself. You may even continue to be arrogant. But it won’t bother people as much because they’ll see all the other stuff about you that makes you great.

People will assume you are an expert. You wouldn’t be in the job otherwise. So stop trying to prove it all the time. When you are challenged, listen carefully to the challenges, repeat them back so the person challenging you knows you have heard them. Show respect by taking concerns seriously and showing that you care about the person even as you might be thinking they have no idea what they are talking about.

One of the hardest things for leaders who are ascending quickly to understand is that being the smartest person in the room and being a champion problem solver is the ante to get into the game. The thing that keeps you in the game, and winning it, is relationships.

I’ll bet this is not what you wanted to hear. But I guarantee this approach will go a long way toward rehabilitating your brand.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I run a compliance and risk group for a large regional credit union. We have a new CEO—I’ll call him “K.” K was our organization’s CFO for several years before he was named CEO, so I know him well. We have always had a good relationship.

K has been in the CEO position about nine months now, and things are in total chaos. He throws out ultimatums that he subsequently forgets about. He moved an entire HR function to marketing in a move that has mystified everyone—especially the head of marketing, who has zero HR experience. A couple of our HR leaders resigned in protest.

Several big initiatives that are supposed to be collaborations between finance, HR, and my department are at a standstill because no one knows who is in charge of what. Every day is a new fire drill with critical tasks that either have been done incorrectly or simply didn’t get done.

Every time I meet with K, he adds entire functions to my group with no extra headcount. My people are already maxed out. To get extra heads, I am supposed to make a business case with full financial scenario plans. It is not my strength to do that kind of thing, and it takes me hours.

In the past, K always trusted my judgment when I needed more help, but now he just puts roadblocks in my way. I am behind on critical deadlines and my people are behind because they have been given too much to do. K only finds fault, and routinely spouts variations on “someone could lose their job over this mess-up.” In the meantime, every time he catches me in my office working late, he tells me I work too hard and I should go home. How can I tell him I could stop working so hard if he stopped wreaking havoc?

I am barely staying afloat here. Help?

At Wits’ End

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear At Wits’ End,

Well, this sounds stressful. I’m sorry.

Here is the thing. Your CEO probably assumes his executive team will push back on him. He is depending on you to tell him when you can do no more. So you have to tell him. If he insists and is unreasonable, then do what you can. But the more you suffer in silence, the less he knows.

You simply have to stand up for yourself. And your team.

He used to trust your judgment. I think it is fair to remind him of that. Tell him you need help now and don’t have time to build extensive business cases for each position request. Do a sticky note calculation of the cost of being understaffed—including having to replace you. Be kind and clear, but speak up. It’s time.

In terms of getting clarity with your peers about who is in charge of what, you have a classic case of everyone being accountable—which means no one is really paying attention. I suggest you meet with your fellow leaders and hash out exactly who is in charge of what. That isn’t really your CEO’s job, so you guys need to get it together.

There is an oldie but goodie management tool called a RACI Matrix—the letters stand for responsible, accountable, consulted, and informed. You can use this model to think through and assign exactly where the buck stops on any given project, who is held accountable for what tasks and deliverables, who needs to be consulted or tapped for parts and pieces, and who needs to be kept informed of any changes or developments. It seems glaringly obvious, but when you start getting into the nitty gritty it becomes clear that no one person sees it the way the others do. This is a way to have everyone—literally—get on the same page.

It would be a good idea to have someone facilitate who really knows what they are doing; a person from learning and development or training, or an outside consultant. If you can’t find someone, you may need to do it yourself or ask one of your counterparts. However you do it, driving for role clarity will help you with your stress level.

It sounds as strange as can be that HR was moved to marketing. This is not a common experiment as far as I can tell, and I am working in multiple organizations at any given time. I am flummoxed by it and will have to get back to you after I ask around a little. I’d love to hear what readers have to say in the comments if they have any insight on that one.

If you hadn’t had a good relationship with your CEO before, I would be more worried for you. But you did—and if you put yourself in his shoes, you might see that he really is depending on his executive team to keep him from messing things up too badly his first year. Make sure he knows you have his best interests at heart, but be clear that things can’t go on the way they have been going. In the worst case scenario, you still have a board you can go to, presumably; but I hope it won’t come to that.

This is a call for you to step up as an executive leader. It requires strength, courage, and grit. There is a lot to lose here, not the least of which is your sanity. But if not you, who?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Hybrid teams are nothing new. Pre-COVID, many hybrid virtual teams existed. Some team members worked from the office full time, some worked from home or from the road full time, and others did a mix of the two. So what’s so different as we look ahead to work in the future?

What’s different is the sheer volume of people who are looking to work either full time or part time from home. One of the lessons we’ve learned from the grand global experiment is that both individuals and organizations can be far more productive when people work from home at least part time.

To be effective hybrid team leaders in today’s world, we need to adopt three fresh mind shifts and four skills to guide our team members as we embrace the new future of work.

The 3 Mind Shifts

1. Remote first. Whatever we do as leaders, we must think about the potential impact on remote team members. Among other things, this means all meetings should be virtual. No more having some of the team in a conference room while others dial in. Make everyone connect remotely.
2. Recognize and mitigate proximity bias. We naturally favor those team members who are physically around us on a regular basis. This issue existed before the pandemic. Remote team members often felt left out of new projects or growth opportunities.
3. Continually experiment and learn. We saw this happening in abundance throughout the last year and a half. Let’s keep trying new things and learn from the experience.

The 4 Skills

1. Make the implicit explicit. Leaders must express their expectations to their people clearly and in detail, leaving no room for confusion or doubt. What are the core hours the leader expects everyone to be available? What are the expectations if the leader will be away from their computer during core hours? What are the expected response times for chat and email? These are just a few of the things that need to be made explicit.
2. Foster community. Many teams did this well during the pandemic. Pre pandemic you rarely saw remote team members on camera and things like virtual coffees and happy hours were unheard of. Teams have learned to be creative in the way they have fun and celebrate virtually. We need to learn from those experiences and continue to make this a priority.
3. Promote well-being. Well-being was and will continue to be an important issue in our hybrid teams. As leaders, we need to pay attention to our own well-being and promote activities that will encourage others to do the same.
4. Ensure hybrid meetings are effective and engaging. We are meeting way too much and many of these meetings are an ineffective use of our time. As leaders, we need to plan our hybrid meetings so that they are engaging. We should meet to discuss, collaborate, and do the work of the team—not just present information. Every meeting should have a clear purpose and agenda. Keep them short and end at least 10 minutes before the hour or half hour to provide time for employees to have a break between meetings.

We have learned a lot from the worldwide work-from-home experiment that is COVID. Now we need to take these lessons and apply them to our work. The future won’t wait!

Editor’s Note: Would you like to learn more about successfully leading in a hybrid work environment? Join The Ken Blanchard Companies for a free webinar series designed for leadership, learning, and talent development professionals looking to upskill their leaders for a new world of work. Learn more here.

A misnomer is floating around—the concept of return-to-work. This phrase conjures up images of coming back from a sabbatical, a leave of absence, or maternity/paternity leave. But today, return-to-work is used to describe how employees should return to the location where they did most of their work prior to the pandemic.

We have to be clear: this term is not about returning to work. Employees have been working—hard.

The issue employers are struggling with is the decision to return-to-office—and to what degree they should accommodate employee preference. Just as important is the question of what employees can do when they are not aligned with their employer’s desires—and subsequent policies—about returning to the office full time. How do organizations develop a strategy that both addresses safety and shapes policy? How do leaders flex and have conversations with their employees when preference and policy aren’t aligned?

Balancing Safety and Increased Flexibility

Most organizations today are trying to determine if formal policies should dictate an employee’s work environment. Prior to the pandemic, work-from-home policies existed but weren’t widely adopted.

Now, as requirements begin to relax, organizations find themselves at a crossroads. What policy updates should be made, if any? Should organizations mandate that employees be vaccinated and return to the office? When should organizations encourage working remotely vs. working from the office? How should organizations accommodate employee preference?

For instance, Microsoft has prioritized physical, mental, and emotional well-being to guide decision making. The office is a place where employees and teams can choose to come together to innovate and collaborate. The focus isn’t on return-to-office, but on flexibility in the environments where employees and teams prefer to do their best work.

Enabling People to Do Their Best Work

Leaders have an opportunity to interpret evolved policies and navigate their people’s anxiety, uncertainty, and preferences in a way that is a win-win for both employer and employee. Keeping an open mind and flexing leadership styles based on each employee’s individual needs is leading in a way that allows for a hybrid approach to management.

To lead employees through continued change and evolution, leaders must:

• Adopt a learning-focused mindset. Employees are going to have concerns about returning to the office. Leaders need to explore the views of each employee and realize the leader’s and the organization’s views may contrast with those of the employee. Even though many employees are ready to return to the office, not all are.
• Identify blind spots. Organizations and leaders are making assumptions about what employees want right now. Some employees have strong feelings about continuing to work remotely rather than returning to the office five days a week. How might leaders partner with their employees to develop a plan that honors organizational policy as well as individual employee preferences?
• Be curious. Leaders must ask what employees want—genuinely ask, and listen to the answer. Leaders also need to ask if they see themselves remaining with the organization if there is a mandate either for continuing to work from home or for returning to the office. When leaders are sincere and humbly inquisitive, employees are more apt to share and less likely to minimize their needs and feelings.

This is a time to be transparent and direct about the direction of the organization and the strategy for whether to return-to-office. It’s also a time to listen attentively to employee preferences and desires—consider it a temperature check of your team. Otherwise, all the productivity gains made with remote work will reverse and employees will look for new ways to do their best work—at a different organization.

Editor’s Note: Would you like to learn more about successfully navigating the future of the work environment? Join us for a free webinar. Over the next five weeks, The Ken Blanchard Companies® is hosting weekly webinars focused on the different aspects of work post-COVID. Join us for one, two, or all five events. The series is free, courtesy of The Ken Blanchard Companies. Learn more here.

About the Author

Britney Cole is Associate Vice President, Solutions Architecture and Innovation Strategy at The Ken Blanchard Companies. With more than 15 years’ experience in organization development, performance improvement, and corporate training across all roles, Britney brings a pragmatic and diverse perspective to the way adults desire to learn on the job.

For years, Victoria Labalme thought she couldn’t succeed without a clear plan. She made choices along the way that were not typical but felt right to her. Even when she felt like she was falling behind, she kept pursuing what interested her. One day, out of nowhere, she received a call that changed the course of her life. Looking back, she realized that the times she had started a project, trip, or dream without having a plan or an expected outcome were the times she had the best results—because she had kept moving forward, not knowing where things would lead. Those times led to her ultimate success.

In her new book, Risk Forward: Embrace the Unknown and Unlock your Hidden Genius, Labalme shares strategies that will help you, too, move through uncertainty and achieve success you wouldn’t have thought possible.

Labalme presents these strategies, developed through 25 years of performance coaching, in a unique, easy to read format. She encourages you to use Risk Forward as a guidebook and focus on whatever thought-provoking activities stimulate you to action. It isn’t a book that needs to be read from front to back. You can open it to any page and be enticed with an exercise to challenge your thinking and help you identify possibilities you otherwise might not have considered.

Labalme shares the most important question you must ask yourself to identify what really matters. She also offers four insights to help you find your way and three questions to ask when you need advice.  With chapter titles like Embrace the Fog, Begin from Within, and Honor Your Instincts, this book will have you looking at opportunities with a brand new mindset.

Risk Forward is filled with real-life stories along with practical tips and tools to help you put your talents to work and chart your own path to success. If you’re ready to do the work, this book is for you. To quote the author: “Some people in life know exactly what they want to achieve. This is a book for the rest of us.”

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Victoria Labalme, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. 

For more information about Victoria Labalme, go to www.riskforward.com/book or www.victorialabalme.com

Now that we’ve dealt with the initial implications of leadership and development in a COVID environment, L&D professionals are increasingly turning their attention to what the future will look like in a post-COVID world.

Remote working will not go away after COVID—in fact, many research firms predict that 2021 will see the number of employees permanently working from home double from pre-COVID times. If these predictions are correct, organizations will need to transform how they manage their workforce in several important areas.

For example, from what I understand from client sessions as well as research I’ve been reading, at least half of employees may look for other jobs if their current employer doesn’t provide a work-from-home option in the future. It doesn’t have to necessarily be full-time, but it must be an option. That’s going to require a major shift in the day-to-day leadership practices of managers worldwide. Although the immediate need to keep doors open and lights on has been met, there is a lot of work to do to keep working from home a viable alternative.

In some ways, the COVID-19 pandemic has exposed the need to implement a lot of policies that should have been in place before COVID. For instance, people who worked remotely used to feel like second class citizens who often were forgotten about when it came to development opportunities, being informed on what was going on in the organization, and, of course, social gatherings. Once nearly everyone was working from home due to COVID, this situation drastically improved. Many people report that they know their team members much better now than they did before.

But there are still issues to be resolved. A majority of at-home workers feel overworked and have trouble setting boundaries when there is no explicit end to the workday. Solving this problem may require more discipline around how, when, and how often we meet using online platforms.

Managers also need to be more aware of each individual’s home office setup. One colleague of mine is working out of a 400-square-foot apartment in Hong Kong with his wife and two children. They both work and homeschool their kids. That’s radically different than my home setup with a separate office and two monitors.

For managers, this means recognizing if somebody’s kids aren’t able to go to their physical school, there may be a certain time during the day when they’re in class and need their parents’ attention. That parent won’t be able to attend a meeting during that time. Kids will end up back in the actual classroom, of course, but it will still be important for remote managers to be aware of people’s personal environments.

Performance management will also change. Measuring an employee’s productivity by the amount of time they sit in an office chair was never the right thing to do. The future of work is to measure by outcomes. That means managers will have to become even more skilled in proper goal setting—clearly identifying what is to be accomplished by when, and having reporting processes that are transparent to everyone.

Management now will be seen as more of a partnership. Good managers will check in with their people instead of checking in on their people. These new post-COVID leaders will make regular one-on-ones a priority just to see how people are doing, and will ask questions such as “How’s it going?” and “What do you need from me?” In the future, we will see more shared scorecards that everyone can access and keep up to date so all members of the team can see what their teammates are up to.

L&D has an important role to play in this future. We’ve made great strides in converting content to virtual and digital formats over the past 12 months. The next step will be refining our content to address the new skills needed for leading in a virtual world.

Training can help. In addition to goal setting, performance management, and day-to-day coaching, we will help future leaders build awareness, trust, and community. You can learn more about the complete list of 12 skills The Ken Blanchard Companies has identified here.

As we all step into this new virtual world together, leadership qualities such as being available and being responsive are more important than ever. These characteristics will be valued more highly than were some of the qualities we thought we needed from leaders in the past. Successful companies will work on equipping their virtual leaders to excel in more areas like these.

To learn more about some of the ways The Ken Blanchard Companies can help you on your post-COVID leadership journey, visit the Leading Virtually homepage on the Blanchard website.

We all want to achieve our professional dreams, but a lot of stuff can get in the way. Often, we label that stuff as a blocker to success, whether it’s an external factor (e.g., no time, no money, lack of resources, an ongoing pandemic) or an internal factor (e.g., don’t know enough, not enough influence, not feeling ready). These blockers—or constraints—can really get us down and be used as a crutch for not realizing greatness or achieving our goals.

But is the constraint real or assumed? Internal factors—that negative internal dialogue, that excuse, the blame game, the internal swirl—often are assumed. There are ways forward. And there are skills you can master to help get out of your head and get out of your own way.

For instance, let’s think about influence and power. In The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Self Leadership program, participants learn how to develop the mindset and skillset needed to become proactive self-starters who know how to ask for direction and support, solicit feedback, and sell their solutions. A key concept is to become a proactive self leader who can identify and activate your points of power.

Yes, you activate! You look for where you have influence and power and find ways to harness that energy for the greater good. Here are descriptions of the five points of power:

1. Position Power: When you hold a position managing people or controlling resources.
2. Personal Power: Your character, passion, persistence, charisma, and wisdom, enhanced by interpersonal skills like being a persuasive communicator.
3. Task Power: The ability to help or delay the completion of a task.
4. Knowledge Power: Having expertise or skills in a particular area. We’re all good at something, so we all have some form of knowledge power.
5. Relationship Power: This comes from associating with others—having a mentor or champion or being a personal friend of someone in power.

Where is your power? What can you do that others cannot? Take a moment and outline your strengths in each point.

One word of encouragement: don’t be timid about claiming your points of power—especially when your intention is to help others and bring good into the world. I hope you’ll find the exercise to be uplifting. Success awaits!

PS: Want to learn more about becoming more proactive in determining your success at work? Check out information on a new 6-week Self Leadership Online Collaborative Course to develop a self-starting mindset so you can take the reins, achieve your goals, and accelerate your development.

About the Author

Britney Cole is Associate Vice President, Solutions Architecture and Innovation Strategy at The Ken Blanchard Companies. With more than 15 years’ experience in organization development, performance improvement, and corporate training across all roles, Britney brings a pragmatic and diverse perspective to the way adults desire to learn on the job.

Dear Madeleine,

I have been reflecting on 2020 and have just read the document with my goals for the year. I may laugh someday, but right now I am sad and demoralized. I accomplished literally not one single goal I had set for myself in 2020.

I wanted to lose some weight and get in shape. Nope. I joined a gym around the time of the shutdown and was so gung-ho that I paid for the whole year up front. Who knows what happened to that money?

A couple of my goals required money, which I am making a lot less of now than I was a year ago.

I had some developmental activity goals for my kids, but now I am just glad they are still alive after being quarantined at home, with me trying to work and them doing online school.

My partner and I had big plans for a romantic vacation—that’s off the table now.

I am thinking of just letting myself off the hook for 2021. Do you think that is a bad idea? Or is it smart? I really feel like just…

Giving In             

__________________________________________________________

Dear Giving In,

I found my goals, too! But I did laugh, because I am in pretty much the same boat as you and I have already cried a lot.

So here’s the thing, Giving In. Think about all the stuff you did accomplish that you hadn’t planned on achieving at all: You still have a job! You haven’t hurt your children! You and your partner are still together! These are all massive wins, my friend. If you had seen what was coming and your only goal had been to survive it, you would be feeling pretty great about your goal setting right now. So I think you must let yourself off the hook for 2020—you and the rest of the world.

Now, what about 2021? I say don’t give in, because here is what we know about goals: under normal circumstances people who set goals and write them down simply achieve more than those who don’t.

But the wisdom of good goal setting also tells us that our goals have to be realistic. I’ve always seen good results—for myself, my teams, and my clients—when goals are a bit of a stretch, but not ridiculous. We never really know what the future will bring, so you can only set goals with your current reality in mind. Ask yourself: what does my heart long for that I could take some steps toward right now? Find something you can actually do with just a little focus and the support of your partner, friends, colleagues, and kids. Maybe it’s a fitness routine you can do at home. I got through this year using Aaptive, an app that offers all kinds of workouts for folks at all levels. Maybe it’s walking around the block three times every day. Or maybe there’s something you could do with your kids at the end of online school every day. Given that nothing will be all that different for a while yet, setting an achievable goal will undoubtedly make you feel more optimistic and hopeful.

I would recommend this, however: Set one goal. Only one—but one you can crush. Leave the long list for another time. Or never. The biggest reason people don’t achieve their goals is that they have too many of them. There isn’t much research to support that assertion, but I am 100% convinced it is true based on my experience. Let’s tell the truth about what it takes to just get through the day, adulting and behaving yourself, paying the bills on time, showing up for work and speaking in complete sentences, and making sure dinner will happen somehow (cereal counts). Then let’s throw a pandemic on top of it and all bets are off.

You will probably need to mourn the dreams you had for 2020. It’s okay to be sad. But making some headway on a new dream, a dream that makes sense in light of our current reality, will give you a sense of control, autonomy, and mastery that will set you up to be ready when the world shifts back toward what we once thought of as normal. And history does teach us that it will shift.

So make a list of what you accomplished that you hadn’t planned to. I’ll bet it is really long, and something to be proud of. Be as sad as you need to be for the losses of 2020. And then get moving toward something you really care about that has deep meaning for you. Enlist help from anyone who can help you. It will make you feel better, I promise.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Today’s blog covers the promised Part Two from last week’s blog post. If you missed it and want to see the whole letter and the context, click here.

Here’s the part of the letter, signed Paralyzed, that I am addressing today:

“I asked my manager to tell me what she thought the most critical thing was for me to focus on and she told me she thinks I have trouble making decisions. She is right. I have friends who tell me I am wishy-washy. My partner agrees. I agree. I am a data geek and I like to be able to look at things from all sides before making decisions. The problem is that this approach doesn’t work when time is tight—which is always.”

Dear Paralyzed (Part Two),

There is a vast and constantly growing body of research and scholarship on the art and science of decision making. Entire classes and books are devoted to it. I’ve tried to boil it all down, but you can be 100% certain that I have left something out. My aim is not to review every possibility but to offer useful advice, tailored to where you are in your development (early career, high potential, being considered for promotion).

Here are some thoughts:

It is a personality trait—and you are getting a core need met: Folks with a very specific personality type are more attached to accuracy than the rest of us. As a self-described “data geek,” you may fit this profile—which means you may have a need to be right. The more complex the decision and the less clear the alternatives, the more your need to be right will hamstring you.

If you think this might be the case, you will have to get that need met in other ways and detach it from decisions that have to be made quickly. You must literally practice moving ahead even though you might be not quite right, or even wrong. How on earth to do this?

Try making some low-risk decisions without enough data, to build your tolerance. Get used to the discomfort. It will never go away because the decisions only get bigger with the jobs. Here is the silver lining: although you are aware of the drawbacks of being a poor decision maker, the opposite problem—making decisions without sufficient thought or information—can cause just as much damage, although it often is seen as a strength and corrected way too late.

It’s a habit: Consider that your wishy-washiness is less a character trait and more of a habit. Habits are notoriously hard to break, but even good habits can outlive their usefulness. Try to notice when you are defaulting to habitual waffling and choose another tactic. When the risk is low, just roll with your first gut response and see how it goes. If you think this might be your problem, learn more about habits and how to break them, from Charles Duhigg, here.

You don’t have a system to make good decisions: Oh dear, where to start? There is so much interesting stuff on this topic, and boy, did I go down the rabbit hole. To save myself (and you) from going completely off the rails with this, I went to one of my all-time favorite resources: The Owner’s Manual for the Brain by Pierce J. Howard. I hate to recommend 1000-page books, but, since you are a geek, it might be your cup of tea. I was introduced to it by one of our company’s resident geniuses, VP of Applied Learning Dr. Vicki Halsey—and as a social neuroscience devotee it is a go-to resource for me. Chapter 26, “Creating Leverage: Brain-Based Decision Making” is worth the price of the book (and the weight) all on its own. In his Concern Analysis Flowchart (Fig. 26.3, pg. 704), Dr. Howard recommends a few methods to get you started:

• Mind Mapping: I am a huge fan of this technique because my thinking style is so wildly random that it Is almost impossible for me to think anything through using linear reasoning. Using a mind map helps you get all relevant thoughts on a piece of paper at once and then put them in order. This way, you can tease out the most important details and the relative importance of everything else. It also helps you make connections you otherwise might not have seen.
• Pareto Analysis: The Pareto Principle (also known as the 80/20 rule) is the idea that by doing 20% of the work you can generate 80% of the benefit of doing the entire job. Using it to analyze your items when making a decision might help you quickly discard the less relevant items. The mindtools website has massive amounts of material on decision making, among other useful topics, that you can data-geek out on at your leisure.
• Fishbone Analysis: This method originated with the Total Quality Management method. It is also known as the cause-and-effect diagram or the Ishikawa method. This tool helps organize your thinking around the root cause of a problem.

You simply struggle with self-doubt: Don’t we all? Okay, some people don’t, I guess, but I haven’t met them. The more practice you get at making decisions, the better you will get at it. Success will breed success. A couple of actions you can take right now to decrease your doubt are:

• Know what you know and what you don’t. Consider literally reviewing what you know—about your departmental activities, your entire organization, your industry—on a regular basis. In reviewing, you might uncover some gaps you need to fill the whole picture. The more you stay on top of what is going on around you, the more prepared you will be to pull your thoughts together quickly.
• Build your expert posse. You can’t possibly know everything all the time, but you can know who to go to for what. Identify the people around you who are as geeky as you and who have a depth of knowledge on topics that aren’t your specialty. Build relationships with each of them, enough to ensure that they will answer your text in a hurry when you need them. Offer your own expertise when they need it. As we say at Blanchard, “None of us is as smart as all of us.”
• Know your waterline. It is easy to get paralyzed by the fear of risk when you aren’t entirely sure what the consequences will be. So you need to know exactly where your decision-making authority reaches its limits. You need to know the tolerable mistakes you can make on your own, compared with those you have to escalate because they could sink the ship. In other words, you must know where the waterline is and which decisions could affect the soundness of the whole boat.

I learned this concept from my husband, Scott. He was blown away by it when he worked with W.L. Gore & Associates, where it is one of their company values. They define it this way: “We are all shareholders, and we will consult with the appropriate Associates before taking an action ‘below the waterline’ that could cause serious damage to the long-term success or reputation of our Enterprise.”

Sit down with your manager and establish where your waterline is—which consequences are acceptable, if imperfect, and which consequences will cause big problems. This concept will serve you well when you start managing people.

The wishy-washiness part is fun for you: I have a dear friend who agonizes over the menu when we go out to dinner together. It is maddening. She is a wildly successful professional who, though thoughtful and deliberate with big decisions, does not, thank God, belabor them. But her menu scrutiny would delay our order and, thus, my dinner. She finally noticed my annoyance and called me out on it. We discussed it and uncovered that, as a true foodie, she enjoyed the process of examining every item on the menu and discussing its possible merits, while I was simply hungry. We devised a solution: I would quickly order an appetizer when we sat down so that I could manage my blood sugar. She, then, would be able to take her time savoring her options. My point? You have to recognize when you can indulge your desire to go deep and savor the moment, and you can’t.  Do it when you can, enjoy it.  Cut to the chase when you have a tight timeline.

I know, Paralyzed. This post was too long. I hope I haven’t made you sorry you asked. I had an awful lot of fun coming up with your answer, though, so for that I thank you. Remember: you are going to be just fine. Einstein (no dummy) said “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” And Winston Churchill said “Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.”

So geek on out with these ideas, and then go forth and be decisive. You will absolutely make some mistakes. It is the only way for you to grow and become more valuable to your organization. You will get smarter and braver, and be well on the way to fulfilling your very high potential.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am in a high potential program at a large global company and am being considered for fast track promotion. As part of the program, everyone did a battery of assessments. I have learned all kinds of things about myself, my strengths, my preferences, how others see me, etc. It has been enlightening and has left me a little overwhelmed.

I asked my manager to tell me what she thought the most critical thing was for me to focus on and she told me she thinks I have trouble making decisions.

She is right. I have friends who tell me I am wishy-washy. My partner agrees. I agree. I am a data geek and I like to be able to look at things from all sides before making decisions. The problem is that this approach doesn’t work when time is tight—which is always. It is impossible for me to formulate an opinion when I’m asked to share in meetings. I tend to shut down and say nothing, especially when I am with upper management.

My lack of decision-making skills is jeopardizing my chances to be seen as promotable. And now that I am hyper aware, I seem to getting worse—not better.

Paralyzed

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Paralyzed,

You are going to be just fine. Assessments are totally overwhelming under any circumstances. When it feels like the results could be used to make decisions about your career advancement, it can feel particularly threatening. But you have a bunch of things going for you:

1. You were chosen to be part of the high potential program. Don’t forget this. I’m not sure where you got the idea that this one issue is jeopardizing your promotability, unless you have been told this directly. I have to ask you: Is this a story you are telling yourself? If it is, cut it out. Yes—work on this, but for goodness’ sake, take some of the pressure off.
2. You have a manager who is paying attention and willing to be honest and will help you.
3. The problem you are having with decisions is much easier to fix than the opposite problem. I know it doesn’t feel that way. But it is much easier to gain confidence in your own thinking than it is to try to be less impulsive and self-assured.

You are actually dealing with two separate issues here. One is you need to speak up more in meetings, the other is you need to get more comfortable with making decisions. They are not the same thing. I will deal with the first issue today and take up the second issue next week. These are big, common issues (and I have been told my blogs are too long).

The fact that upper management wants to see you speak up in meetings means they actually want to know how you think and that you are willing to put yourself out there. No one expects you to solve the problem or have all the answers. They just want to see that you can contribute. You are obviously bright and competent enough to hold down your job and be chosen for a hi-po program, so really, just how far off can you be in your thinking? What are the chances that you are going to say something so devastatingly boneheaded that you will tank your opportunities? I say, low to zero. So before the next meeting, try doing a couple of things:

• Prepare. Most of us are moving so fast that we come into meetings with almost no idea what the meeting is even about. You cannot afford that luxury right now—and a little preparation will pay off big time. Pay close attention to what the meeting is about, read all of the pre-reading material, have a pre-meeting with anyone who you think knows a lot more than you, and dig around and do a little extra research on any topics you aren’t up to speed with. If you find a recent, interesting, and relevant article, podcast, or infographic, bring it to share with everyone. You will worry that people won’t like it, or will think it isn’t interesting, or will judge you in some way. Don’t. Your peers will envy you and everyone else will be impressed that you prepared and cared enough to bring something that you thought would add value. Almost no one will actually follow up (click the link, read the article, or listen to podcast) anyway. Most people have the attention span of a sand flea and will just remember that you showed up with something of interest.
• Show up early, breathe deeply, stay calm, and feel your feet on the floor to stay present and grounded. I mean, literally, feel the soles of your feet inside your shoes and how they connect to the floor. It is an old trick to combat stage fright that I read about in Laurence Olivier’s (considered one of the great actors of the 20^th century) biography. I have used it ever since, as have hundreds of clients. It is brilliant. It gets you out of your head (a noisy, crowded, scary place) and into your body (a much quieter place). This will provide the additional benefit of helping you access your gut feelings, which can be very wise. Recent research has established that our gut has a direct neuron circuit to the brain, so gut feelings should not be discounted.
• Greet each person as they come in for the meeting, and remind yourself that each person, regardless of seniority, is just another human being who is paying no attention whatsoever to you. They are thinking about their own problems, what others think of them, what groceries they need to pick up on the way home after the meeting, or their troublesome teenager. Not you. I promise you, this is true.
• Keep your attention on the matter at hand. Every time your attention wanders over to yourself, swat it back to what’s going on in front of you. Your mind has been trained to be focused on you and you need to untrain it. Paralysis comes from obsessively focusing on yourself. Shift your attention.
• Take notes in the meetings. Jot down any ideas that float across your mind, and all of your questions. When you are called upon to speak, you can always float a question. When someone asks for your opinion, be ready with: “I think I probably need to know more, but based on everything I have heard so far, I would consider_________.” Or even, “I agree with Marcy, and here’s why.” Remember, no one expects you to be 100% right, or to be the person who comes up with the whole solution or plan. They just want to know what you think right now. This tells them that you are, in fact, thinking, that you were prepared, and that you are paying attention.

This will get you started on the “showing up in meetings” challenge. Next week, we will talk a little more about actual decision making and how you might be able to speed up your process.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have been on sick leave for the last few months. Before that, I worked as an essential medical worker—administrative, not patient care—in a big city. It was intense. We had big refrigerated morgue trucks in the parking lot, and it felt like no one who was not in medicine understood quite how crazy things were.

I did, in fact, contract COVID and was sick, but I recovered fairly quickly. I am now on sick leave because of a chronic condition that I now realize was very much exacerbated by the stress of my job—and by the fact that my former boss was really, really mean.

I was told before I went on sick leave that I was being let go from the job that I had, but would be eligible to apply for other jobs in the hospital. I am not worried about finding a job. I am really good at a very narrow specialty and there are few people who can do what I do. But now that I’ve had some time to step back a little, I realize how awful my boss was to me. He was a bully who believed that my condition was all in my head and I just used it as a ploy to get sympathy. He even made fun of me in staff meetings. I laughed it off at the time, but now I see how wildly inappropriate his behavior was.

Now I’m wondering about myself. What on earth is it about me that allowed that ugliness? Am I just a victim? And how do I prevent that in my next job? Should I even try to go back to the hospital? Should I confront the bully? I keep going in circles and not getting anywhere. Any ideas you might have would be welcome.

At a Crossroads

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear At a Crossroads,

Well, wow. I am always amazed at what people are capable of. Look at what you have been through, At a Crossroads, and yet here you are picking yourself up off the floor and getting ready to fling yourself back out there. My hat is off to you: your resilience, your courage, your clarity about what happened, and your self-awareness and willingness to wonder what part you might have played in how things went down.

Let’s get you out of circles and moving toward some action, shall we? I’ll address your excellent questions in order:

What on earth is it about you that allowed that ugliness? Are you just a victim? I ask: Indeed. Are you? Only you can tell, since you would have to look at your history. Has this ever happened before? If yes, is it a pattern? If yes, then you definitely will want to find a good therapist and take a good hard look at what is going on and how you can break the pattern. If no, this is an isolated incident, it’s possible you never really noticed how messed up things were because there was so much other crazy stuff going on.

Adults who are targets for bullies tend to be people who stand out because they are super competent, nice, and a little isolated. But most important, they don’t draw boundaries or fight back. You can read about another situation here. Many bullies will cease and desist when the person they are picking on simply says something like, “Are you serious right now?” or “That really hurts my feelings,” or “Wow, that is just mean. Are you trying to be mean?” Some people who are perceived as bullies are, in fact, bad people—but some are simply oblivious and have no idea how their behavior impacts others until someone calls it out.

How do you prevent this kind of thing in the future? If this isn’t a pattern, you are probably going to be fine. You will have your spidey sense up in the future and it will never happen again. You can certainly vet your next boss by asking questions about their leadership style and what is important to them. And you can also not accept a new position until after you have interviewed others who work for the potential boss.

Should you try to go back to the hospital? If you think you can stay out of Mr. Meanie’s way, sure. But think about the big picture. If you start from scratch, you will be able to research culture, training programs, and leadership development programs of different hospitals to find a place where leadership matters. Also, you can check out things like location, pay, benefits, and opportunity for advancement. Why not go for your perfect job? Or, if everything at your last position was perfect except for your boss, why not go back?

Should you confront the bully? Maybe. You would have to decide what you want to get out of it. Most fantasy scenarios never play out in real life. If you think your bully might be open to hearing feedback on how his behavior impacted you, it might be useful. But you will want to prepare really well. Some thoughts on that here. But honestly—why bother? It isn’t your problem anymore, and it doesn’t sound like you owe the bully anything. Giving feedback is a gift. I will only do it if it’s my job. No good deed goes unpunished—and, in this case, that will almost certainly be true. Perhaps you want an apology? You would need to ask for one directly, and even then, it is a long shot. If it is closure you want, you might consider writing a letter outlining your experience. Write it out point by point—what happened and how it made you feel. Then you can decide if you want to send it. Just writing it will help you get it out of your head, and hopefully let it go. The carefully crafted, heartfelt letter that is never sent is a beautiful recovery tool.

One note about your condition. Is it possible you would qualify as someone with a disability so that you would have protections in the future? It might be worth looking into. And if your condition is brought on by stress, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that you would be well served to explore stress management skills; meditation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, exercise, getting a pet. All proven to help people reduce stress.

Sail on, At a Crossroads. Take care of yourself and go forth and find your perfect spot where you can do your special job beautifully for a nice boss who appreciates you.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

The quest for high performance may be at an all-time high. With the COVID-19 pandemic turning things upside down, some people are struggling to get through the day—but others continue to thrive. How do they do it?

Brendon Burchard’s best-selling book High Performance Habits offers many answers to that question. Through extensive original research and learnings from more than ten years of being the world’s leading performance coach, Burchard has identified the six most important habits for improving performance at home, at work, and in your community.

The habits Burchard encourages everyone to build include:

1. Seek clarity. Have a clear vision, consistently set intentions for who you want to be each day, and focus on what is meaningful.
2. Generate energy. Learn to release tension while setting intention. Bring joy to your daily activities and stay physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy.
3. Raise necessity. Understand what you need to do for yourself and others to remain motivated. Build a network of peers who will support you.
4. Increase productivity. Determine the outputs that matter most to your success. Develop the skills that will help you perform at a higher level.
5. Developing influence. Ask others to challenge themselves to perform differently. Be a role model for that behavior.
6. Demonstrate courage. Learn and grow from your struggles, share your truth, and fight a noble cause for others.

Burchard describes specific practices you can begin immediately for each habit. He stresses that although these practices may be common sense, they are not commonly practiced—so it is critical to make a commitment to using these tips and techniques to start your journey to long-term success and fulfillment. He suggests people focus on one practice at a time to recognize how significant each change can be.

Each chapter is filled with thought-provoking exercises to help you integrate the six habits into your routine, and encouragement to focus on the things that will make a big difference right away. Putting it simply, this is a guidebook for people who want to get control of their lives and experience true joy. The real-life examples of people who have overcome struggles by using the practices are evidence of how powerful this work can be. They offer proof that you, too, will be able to positively impact every aspect of your life.

Burchard shares a beautiful mixture of science-backed data and heart-centered strategies to help others live a better quality life. After applying just a few of his suggestions, you’ll notice a difference—and understand how extraordinary people become that way.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Brendon Burchard, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information about Brendon Burchard, go to www.brendon.com.

Hi Madeleine,

I just got off the phone and immediately realized that I need some help. I spoke to an employee in a way I am ashamed of. I didn’t yell or flip my lid, but I was curt, demanding, and unsympathetic, and I interrupted him several times.

I have some things going on in my life that have me down in the dumps. I’m beginning to get impatient with my employees because they ask so many questions and eat up so much of my time. This is not me. I consider myself a very supportive manager and a happy person under normal circumstances.

I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to leave my personal issues at the door so that I can avoid speaking to my employees in a way I will regret.

Need to Nip it in the Bud

Dear Need to Nip,

Thank you for this beautiful letter. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I hate it when I am not my best self! Of course, it is a 24/7 job to stay on my game—as it is for most people.

You are only human. Please cut yourself some slack. These are hard times: pandemic, civil unrest, election, fires, floods, hurricanes, tornadoes. Anything extra going on in your personal life can tip the scale.

Before you do anything else, contact your employee and apologize for having a bad moment. It doesn’t have to be a big deal—but a little apology can go a long way. Just send an email or a card. I have a small supply of cards that I use for apologies. This could relieve your remorse in the short term.

In the long term, though, it is important to get to the crux of what has put you so off center. I think there are two sides to consider here. One is that your employees are asking too many questions and taking up too much of your time. The other is that you want to be better at compartmentalization so that you are able to leave your irritation at the door.

Your employees. It might be true that you had a bad day, your employee just needed to vent and whine, and it was an isolated incident. I always thought my whole team melted down on my worst days. But it is also possible that your employees are actually annoying and when you are feeling on top of your game you don’t notice it. As a resilient, high energy person, it can be easy to let bad behavior slide off your back. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Your bad days can be the gift that helps you see that maybe you shouldn’t be so easy going. You may actually be tolerating and allowing behaviors that you shouldn’t.

Ask yourself: How have I allowed my employees to become so dependent? What could I do to get them going in the opposite direction?

Perhaps you could invest some time in making sure that each employee knows exactly what their tasks are, and exactly what a good job looks like. It works really well when you have employees set up regular 1×1 meetings with you. The 1×1 is their meeting time with you and they can do whatever they want with it. Make sure they drive the scheduling of it and send you a brief agenda before the meeting. They must understand that this is their time—if they squander it by not preparing, they will have to wait until the next meeting.

If your employees are asking too many questions, it may be because they are looking for certainty. You may want to have a Q & A with the whole team about whatever is uncertain, using a team chat or email.

You. What are “normal circumstances”? What is keeping you from being your happy self? It’s one thing to leave your personal life at the door; it’s another to put it into perspective. If you are pushed so far off center, it is probably one—or a combination—of these three things:

Your needs aren’t being met. You were getting a core need met in your personal life, and something has changed and that need is no longer being met. A core psychological need is one that must be fulfilled for you to feel 100% functional. The current theory on needs is that we all share three: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Additional theories hold that every individual has needs that are specific to them as part of their temperament or their individual makeup. From a coaching standpoint, the more you set up your life to get your needs met, the more energy you have to fling yourself at your goals. Needs can be tricky. It’s hard to notice a need when it is being met, and that’s why people who have mastered getting their needs met seem so even keeled. Your meltdown moment provides an opportunity to examine what need wasn’t getting met leading up to it. You may know exactly what it is, or it may be news to you. If you do identify it as a needs issue, ask yourself how you could get it met in a new way. Ask your friends and loved ones for help. Getting your needs properly met is not really optional; it is something you must do as a prerequisite for being the person you want to be and having the life you want.

You have too many tolerations. You are tolerating entirely too much in your personal life. Ask yourself: What am I putting up with? If each toleration is a marble in your pocket, one or two is easy. Twenty-five is a problem. (You can read about how we allow tolerations to accumulate here). Make a list of everything you are putting up with and figure out what you can fix, delegate to someone else to fix, or shift to make it more tolerable. More detail on how to eliminate tolerations here.

Your self-care is out of whack. Your normal self-care routine has been disrupted. Self-regulation is 100% dependent on our pre-frontal cortex (PFC). This part of your brain is located right behind your forehead, and is the seat of judgment, choice, analytical thinking, strategic thinking, and our ability to inhibit undesirable behaviors. Neuroscientists call the PFC a resource hog. At the very least, it needs you to:

• provide it with a constant supply of glucose from high quality foods;
• stay hydrated;
• allow it to rest and sleep (two different things); and
• do physical exercise.

Now ask yourself: What can I do—even as I get my personal life under control by getting my needs met and eliminating tolerations—to take care of my PFC and thereby enhance my ability to self-regulate at work? Some ideas:

• Take more breaks
• Make sure you are drinking water
• Take a walk around the block when you feel yourself getting irritable
• Bring snacks and plan time for lunch
• Review what has helped you in the past: Meditation? Four deep breaths? Stretching?

Good luck to you. Know that you are in very good company. There is much required of all of us to stay on an even keel these days.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I am so frustrated with what I am calling the “in-person addiction” in my new company.

I started here two months before COVID sent everyone home. It was very much a traditional “everyone comes to the office” place before that. I am surrounded by people who are still struggling with the virtual aspect of our work. Everyone is complaining about working from home and all the web conferencing. Many are juggling home-schooling their children along with their work commitments.

My boss is convinced that everyone is less productive working from home—and that may be so with other groups. There is a bit of an attitude that we are going to wait this thing out but, frankly, I have doubts that anything is going to change soon. If we could just shift the mindset we could really get some very cool things done.

I came from an organization that was much more geographically spread out. In fact, my entire team was virtual and in different time zones. It worked great! I just don’t get it. I am far more productive when I don’t have to deal with a commute and the time it takes to get dressed and do hair/makeup. I do have kids at home, but they have always known Mommy has a job. We have created a daily routine that works well for all of us. I am not saying it is perfect—and I will be grateful when they go back to school—but geez. I think people let their children get away with bratty behavior.

My problem: how do I get my colleagues out of their constant moaning about our new way of working? I mean, it’s been six months now, with no end in sight. How do I prove that my new team is crushing it (because they are) despite the WFH thing? Most importantly, how do I develop the relationships I need to influence the way I need to move forward on my very ambitious goals? Many of my colleagues act like they aren’t going to trust me until we can spend time in person together. How do I get everyone to get on board with reality?

Way Ahead

Dear Way Ahead,

I understand your frustration. I led a completely virtual team in our very “headquarters-and-in-person-centric” company for years! We all worked from home for two decades before virtual was the norm, and it was a constant battle to remind people we were out in the field making things happen. Now at least the playing field has been flattened for virtual teams—but it sounds like for you, things have just gone flat.

Here are your concerns, in order. You want to:

1. Get your colleagues to stop complaining.
2. Prove that your new team is highly productive virtually, and that others can be, too.
3. Influence your new colleagues in this virtual environment.

Let’s unpack all of this and look at what you can control, what you might be able to control with some help, and what is probably out of your hands.

You can’t make your colleagues change but you can change your own attitude. I wonder if your colleagues feel your judgment and if that might be getting in the way of building strong working relationships. I am not doubting your superiority at working virtually, but nobody likes to feel inferior. If senior leadership seems willing to suffer the consequences of waiting it out, you may be asking a lot to expect the extra effort required to shift the collective mindset. I suggest you focus less on how to fix your colleagues and more on how you can add value and—without blame or judgment—be a role model for how to operate in this new environment.

Regarding the kid thing: If you are betraying your opinion that your colleague’s children are bratty, that is not going to win you any friends. You can think whatever you want, but I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself. Nothing causes people to get defensive faster than someone criticizing their kids. You got a serious head start creating a culture of “Mommy works” in your own home—and it may be a little unfair to expect your colleagues with kids who are suddenly at home to crack the whip and get everyone to behave. One thought on that topic is for you to create something you could share with colleagues about how you managed it—something like “Tips for Getting Your Kids to Respect Your Work Time.” I Googled around and, I have to say, there isn’t much out there. You must have some good ideas based on your experience! My memory is dim—my children are grown—but I am pretty sure I resorted to threats of bodily harm, which is probably not recommended.

The first stop is a conversation with your boss re: your concerns about the disdain for the virtual WFH office. There are two issues here: the fact that your boss seems resigned and unenthusiastic about how to help people people be successful virtually, and the fact that you are not able to get acknowledgement for how well your team is doing. I think the approach for both is curiosity. You might ask questions like:

• Is it your experience that people are not being productive working from home? What are you seeing that leads you to that view?
• May I show you how my team and I are handling things? Might that be helpful?
• Do you worry that our lack of productivity could hurt us long term? What are your thoughts about how might we counteract that?

With any luck, you can shift your boss’s perspective with open-hearted inquiry. Your confidence could be catching if people don’t feel belittled by it.

Now let’s talk about your need to make friends and influence people. The #1 key is to get curious and interested in each and every person—and show it. Make the time and put some real effort into it. You might check out Keith Ferrazzi’s new book, Leading Without Authority.

Some ideas:

• Set up individual time with each person and do a “Getting to Know You” questionnaire. Provide the questionnaire in advance and be ready with your own answers. You can be creative and ask whatever you want, but make sure the person knows they can choose not to answer what they don’t want to answer! Favorite book or movie, pets and their personalities, favorite job you’ve ever had, fantasy travel spot, what would you do if you won the lottery? Favorite holiday and why? What is something I would never know about you if you didn’t tell me? What is your superpower? Hobby? What is your least favorite work task? Are we all sick of Zoom calls? Yes, but this would be a fun one!
• Suggest social distancing picnic lunches or coffee or happy hour (BYOTreats) at a nearby outdoor spot.
• Create an opportunity for your team to do a group Pecha Kucha over Zoom (20 slides, 20 seconds each) and everyone gets the same assignment—again, you can make it up. A Day in The Life is a fun one, or My Life Story. The idea is to use images and photos to create a super efficient story. Stories are powerful and people remember them.
• Our company has some amazing on-demand free webinars for increasing productivity when working from home and leading virtually. You could share these with select folks who are open.
• If you think you might have already done some damage, do ask for feedback and clear the air. If people do give you feedback, do not defend your position, simply say “thank you.”

You can’t change people, but you can be a role model for the behavior you think is appropriate in the situation. And you can extend an invitation: anyone who is interested in how you are sailing through what seems like a big challenge can ask for your help.

Compassion, humility, patience, and generosity will go a long way for you right now.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I have a new team member who is constantly melting down. Our whole team is under a lot of pressure, and we’ve had to put our heads down to get the work out. Everyone has been able to do this—including me—except for my new team member who needs to be talked down from the ledge almost every day.

Lately a new pattern has emerged and I’m not sure what to do. She’s been yelling at me that I’m not doing a good enough job of managing our processes and that I don’t know what I am doing. It is kind of shocking the things she says. Then she calls me back 10 minutes later and cries and apologizes, and we walk through the process plan calmly. We make up and everything is okay until it happens again.

When she does the work it is good, but the cost is so high. Why does this keep happening? What can I do to stop it?

Constant Drama

Dear Constant Drama,

It keeps happening because you allow it. Being a manager is hard, and you do want to create an environment where people can be human, but that is different from allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.

Call your employee and tell her that you have thought about it and you realize that it is not appropriate for her to speak to you the way she has in the past—and that the next time it happens you will calmly end the meeting and remove yourself from the situation until she can calm down.

That’s it. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Just because you are a nice person and you feel bad that your employee is having a hard time with the increased workload doesn’t mean she is allowed to yell at you. If she can settle down and do the job the way it needs to be done, great. If not, she can take her drama elsewhere.

Don’t overthink this. Document each incident and if she can’t grow up and control herself, let her go. Life it too short to tolerate this kind of nonsense.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dave McKeown’s new book The Self-Evolved Leader is, at its essence, a roadmap to leadership excellence. Presented in four sections, this practical handbook guides leaders along the journey, covering everything from building a foundation of effective leadership to sustaining their newfound skills.

McKeown believes leaders are caught in a cycle of mediocrity—and he says it’s time to break that cycle by stepping up to lead with authenticity and purpose.

In the book’s first section, the author says leaders need to stop trying to be heroes who step in and take care of everything. He encourages them instead to equip and empower their people to manage day-to-day projects. This allows time for self-evolved leaders to focus on long-term strategies for their teams and organizations. Leaders must spend less time taking care of little details and more time developing, inspiring, and encouraging their staff.

In section two, McKeown introduces three key actions that aspiring self-evolved leaders must take:

• They must create a compelling team vision that aligns with the corporate vision. This provides alignment and purpose for the team.
• They must develop an implementation plan that brings the team vision to life. This plan must be clear to everyone and must come with a design—a pulse—to proactively track the team’s progress. This pulse provides focus so that the team can stay on track as it advances toward the goal.
• They must develop a discipline for focusing on their own tasks while empowering team members to perform at their highest levels.

Learning how to master leadership discipline is the focus of section three. McKeown offers specific guidelines that show leaders how to facilitate the workflow of their team while still concentrating on their own goals and tasks. He recognizes that leaders sometimes take on tasks they should delegate to direct reports because it is faster to do the task themselves. But self-evolved leaders understand that time invested in delegating and teaching is worth it. It not only adds to the skill set of the direct report, it also allows the leader to remain focused on leadership strengths they bring to the overall team effort.

Section four offers leaders advice for sustaining their new skills and continuing to make improvements in their leadership practices. Ultimately, McKeown advises leaders to take control of the things they can control—and not fall victim to the things they can’t.

The Self-Evolved Leader is a guidebook for changing the way you lead. It is rooted in decades of experience and filled with wisdom and simple techniques that will help any leader become a self-evolved leader.

To hear host Chad Gordon interview Dave McKeown, listen to the LeaderChat podcast and subscribe today. For more information about Dave McKeown, go to www.selfevolvedleader.com or www.davemckeown.com.

Dear Madeleine,

I thought I could take it, but now I am not so sure. I live in a state that is just now having an explosion of Covid-19 cases. I thought at this point things would be going back to semi-normal, yet it appears things are going from bad to worse.

My mother is in an assisted care facility and we can no longer visit her. My 87-year-old father needs me to bring him cooked meals and is going into a depression over not being able to visit my Mom.

My husband got laid off from what we thought was a secure job. There was no warning. He was told about it at work by someone in HR he didn’t know, and was walked from the building with a box just like in movies. No reason, no explanation, after fifteen years of steady promotions and top performance reviews. He is wandering around in shock. I am trying to be sympathetic but I find myself getting impatient and wanting him to start looking for another job. He’s taken out the kids’ old Xbox and is playing video games all day, and I think he’s smoking pot in the garage when he thinks I am sleeping. I want to scream.

I manage a group of project managers for a global supply chain company. Our business, deemed essential, went into a complete meltdown because of complications with China just when we were getting used to working from home and the endless video calls. I was forced to lay off half of my people. Although my company did a decent job, every one of my coworkers—those who are going, those who are staying, and my peers—are in various states of distress.

I volunteered to take a pay cut so I can only hope my job is safe, but I’m not sure if we can make our mortgage payments. My workload is insane because of the layoffs. I’m working very late every night, as are my remaining direct reports, some of whom are also dealing with young children at home. All of my close friends are also at a breaking point so I’m on the phone with them talking them off the ledge. I’m out of things to say to them.

Two of our adult children who have lost their jobs have moved back in with us to save money on rent. They are decent at the safety measures, but I just found out one of them went to a big house party last weekend—and my now-gamer husband has diabetes and asthma. You see how that might make me crazy? And our dog was just diagnosed with cancer, and there is no way we can afford the treatments.

Little things I’ve always let slide, like people leaving lights on or leaving the milk out to go sour, are sending me into a rage. I know how high the electric bill is. I know what groceries cost. We can no longer afford to be cavalier about these things.

We have had social justice riots in our town and just a mile from where I live a couple of major businesses were badly looted and my bank was burned down. My BANK! So, on top of everything else, I feel like the world is burning down and Armageddon is here.

I am exhausted. I feel like I am walking through quicksand. I know you’re going to tell me to take advantage of our EAP Therapy program—well, I did, and it didn’t go well. It took them two weeks to get back to me and another two weeks to set an appointment, and when I did get on the phone with a therapist, he was mean. He basically told me I needed to suck it up. It was everything I could do not to hang up on him.

I’ve always appreciated your answers, Madeleine, and I feel like this one is going to stump you. Are you going to tell me that I just need to suck it up? I don’t think I can. But I also don’t see an alternative.

Going Down in Flames

Dear Going Down in Flames,

Yeah. Whoa. Wow.

OK. I am not a mental health professional; I am just a coach. But more fundamentally, I am human being and my heart aches for you. Let’s just say it out loud: this is hard, hard, hard. This is the Dustbowl. This is The Blitz. Oh, wait, no. This is The Plague. It is real, and it is bad. And just when you think it can’t get worse: locusts, frogs, fire, floods.

I hope this is the hardest thing you will ever have to get through. And based on what you have already dealt with, you have evidence that you will get through it. I’m not saying there aren’t others who have it worse—there always are—but this is hard. And you have been heroic. But even heroes need time off.

So, no. I am not going to tell you to suck it up. You have had so much adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) pumping through your system that you must find a way to rest. I am going to tell you to fold.

Just fold.

Take a day, two days, whatever you need, and step away from the fire fight. Crawl into a fox hole. Forget work. Take some time away. And if they fire you for it, well, so be it. It’s only a matter of time before you lose it and start yelling at your manager anyway, at the rate you are going. I won’t bore you with the neuroscience, but take my word for it when I say that a human being can take only so much and no more. So do the opposite of sucking it up. Fold.

Make your kids go to the grocery store, cook, and take food to your dad.

Email your boss and your direct reports that you are taking some time.

Fold.

Turn off your phone, go into your bathroom, lock the door, and take a long bubble bath. Then get into bed and watch Sophie’s Choice and cry through the entire thing. If that isn’t going to work for you, choose something else—Marley and Me might do it—and have a good cry. Get into bed and cry. Cry a lot. Mourn your safety and your certainty. Let yourself grieve for the past, when power bills were not an issue. Allow yourself to feel the shock of your stalwart husband reverting to adolescence. Go to your dad’s house, stand six feet away from him, and cry about your mom together. Lament the loss of your dreams and dashed expectations of what you thought this part of your life would be. Pet the dog and cry about the cancer. Just give in and feel it all.

When I was young, I thought the book of Job in the Bible was a laughable exaggeration. No more. It really is astonishing how rough things can get, and it feels awfully personal. So, go ahead and wail Why Me? at the moon.

Go for a long walk and complain out loud to yourself. Everything you are managing, putting up with, tolerating. Every protest, grumble, unfairness, injustice.

Then, revolt.

You seem to be carrying this entire load by yourself and you must insist that your perfectly able-bodied family help out. Get your (you did say adult) children who won’t turn the lights off and your husband into the living room, sit them down, and read them the riot act. You can be nice, but be firm.

Tell them you have reached your limit. They may have noticed that you were recently sobbing in bed, so possibly they have already gotten the memo. Tell your kids they need to suck it up. Behave themselves. Put the milk away. Stop taking risks. Find new jobs. Pay rent. Tell your husband exactly what he needs to do to help and contribute. He already got to fold; now he needs to step up, get online and apply for unemployment, and look for another job. Cook the meals for your dad. Chores. Something.

OK? Don’t suck it up. First, go ahead and wallow. Then you must take a stand and insist that your family join you in the pulling the cart. Decide what you can do, and simply don’t do more than that. If you keep sending the message that you can take on more, more will be handed to you. So stop sending that message.

You will get your strength back and start to see some silver linings. Things will probably get worse, but they will get better eventually. You have to settle in for the marathon and conserve your energy.

I am really sorry that your therapist was a meanie. I just don’t get that at all, but who knows, maybe he is up against it too and was having a horrible day. It happens—therapists are only human. Could you try again and get another one? Finding a great therapist is a little like finding the prince. You have to kiss a lot of frogs.

And, I am really, really sorry about your pooch. That is just adding insult to injury.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

Dear Madeleine,

It has recently become apparent that one of my newer direct reports is lying. In one instance, he told me a presentation was proofed and ready to go and I found out it wasn’t when I went into the document on our shared drive to make a change. In another instance, I learned from a colleague that he had claimed to her team that we were further along with a deliverable than we actually were. And there have been other, less impactful, little red flags.

The crazy thing is that the lies are so easy to uncover—especially the shared drive documents where anyone can see the last time he was in the document. When I confronted him, he claimed he had completed the deck but the changes weren’t saved. We are a technology company so claiming technical failure can work when a whole system crashes, but this is just bald-faced lying—on top of unforgivable technical ignorance. It is one thing to be caught and apologize, which is what I would expect, but now it is adding insult to injury.

I am very clear about my expectations when new people join my team, but it never occurred to me to tell people they are not allowed to lie. I am so mad that I’m having a hard time thinking straight about this. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?

Liar Liar

Dear Liar Liar,

My first thought is no. Nope. No, no, no, no. Zero tolerance for lying. Then I thought about it some more, and guess what? Still no.

It is true—you wouldn’t think you’d need to tell people they can’t lie. But then something like this happens and you realize that what is obvious to you just is not obvious to everyone. It is fair to say that all implicit expectations need to be made explicit. That way, when someone does something you simply don’t anticipate, you have your explicit expectations to fall back on. Black and white. No grey area, no confusion, no discussion.

Potential expectations and grounds for dismissal might be:

1. No lying
2. No cheating
3. No stealing
4. No drinking on the job
5. No showing up to work in a bikini top
6. No showing up to in-person client presentations in bare feet
7. Do not bring your dog to a client meeting
8. No smoking in the restrooms

Numbers 5-8 are examples of expectations I wouldn’t have thought I needed to set. I’m not that creative. Just when I think I can no longer be surprised by human beings, I am surprised!

Now, there are the little fibs that many people tell to boost their egos, hide a minor infraction, or just entertain themselves. The thing is, if it doesn’t interfere with work or create static in the system, you probably don’t even notice it. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

You sound like a sensible person. You must have hired this man for a reason—presumably, you thought he was going to bring something worthwhile to the table. You may be considering the high cost of hiring, onboarding, and training someone new. In case you’re motivated to try to salvage this employee, and if you think this could help, you might share our extraordinary Trust Model with him. This model does what all truly brilliant models do: it clarifies and simplifies a deeply layered and complex issue. You might even share this step by step guide to rebuilding trust with him. It can be helpful for people who need to break lifelong trust-busting habits.

Or you may just be fed up enough to not want to take the time. It’s up to you.

Before you go firing anyone, though, I suggest you get HR involved and start documenting. Call out the behavior every time you see it and make a note of exactly what happens. Work with your HR person to decide in advance how many (more) chances you will give Pants on Fire. People lie for all kinds of complicated reasons, many of which would evoke your compassion. So you don’t have to be mean about it, but you must refuse to tolerate it.

Prior to his final chance, you can literally say “lying will not be tolerated.” If you feel like you just don’t have the heart, I can recommend the work of Dr. Henry Cloud, an authority on setting boundaries. His book to check out is Boundaries for Leaders.

Don’t get mad. That just hurts you. Stay calm, point out the lies, and your liar will either clean up his act or lie his way out of a job.

Love, Madeleine

About the Author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 16,000 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.