Dear Madeleine,

I am a supervisor and team leader in a technology company. We have several products on the market that are doing well. All my projects are in new products—a combination of market research and product testing; and all my teams are cross-functional—project management, software developers, marketing and customer support, and designers. The timelines for going to market keep shrinking and the demand to get high-quality products to the testing stage (i.e., in perfect condition) keeps growing.

I have noticed a shift in my teams. People are getting quieter in meetings, though the volume of general grumbling is growing. I finally asked someone I trust if they have noticed it, and she told me that people have developed a fear of speaking up.

When I asked her opinion about why this is happening, she wasn’t able to point to one thing. I think it may be the constant pressure to get new products to market faster—because to innovate, we have to experiment and make mistakes.

I have spoken to my boss about it and he said the only solution is to innovate faster. I get that, but I also know that getting new things right takes the time it takes. I’m not at all sure what to do to get us back into the rhythm that always worked well before.  

I would appreciate any ideas you have.

Faster & Smarter

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Faster & Smarter,

Well, something happened. Is this all your teams? Something is off here. This doesn’t sound like a response to the constant “better, faster, cheaper” refrain that anyone working in business is now accustomed to. People don’t disappear like snails into their shells for no reason.

Your people are acting as if they feel threatened. You can waste a lot of time and energy speculating about what it is, or you can come right out and ask them. Britney Cole, our chief innovation officer, says that Enemy #1 of innovation is fear, so getting to bottom of what people are afraid of is one possible avenue for you. Either they are afraid of something you haven’t registered, or they are afraid of you.

You can meet with each whole team or with individual people, share your observation that something has changed, and simply ask questions:

• Did something happen that I am unaware of?
• What am I missing here?
• Is there something I have done or said that has made an impact I did not intend?
• Is there something that someone else has done or said that has resulted in people feeling uncomfortable or unsafe?
• Is there something you think I should know about?

Our Fearless Innovation program proposes that leading innovation calls for grace, curiosity, and proactivity, and that the environment as a whole needs to support innovation. Your investigation will reveal that there is something you can do to be a more effective leader, or that there is messaging/feedback from the organization that is causing the dampened spirits.

This article about leading innovation might spark some ideas for you and help you shape more targeted questions. And here is an eBook that details the factors that encourage innovation in organizations.

You may not like what you discover. Either you will hear something about yourself that you need to work on or you will see a larger pattern in the organization that will require you to step up and advocate for your teams. Hopefully, you will uncover enough intel to help you craft a plan to increase the sense of safety and trust and get your teams back on track.

It will take a lot of grace and curiosity. It will require action on your part, which will require grit and courage. If your team sees you being proactive and speaking up, it will give them permission to do the same. And hopefully that will help you all get your groove back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Intern,

I just got hired as head of sales for a marketing services firm. I’m really excited to drive the future growth of this small and mighty company.

My new team includes several very young team members. For some, this is their first professional job. I have always led more senior sales professionals and leaders of sales teams, so to lead individual contributors—especially at this junior level—makes me a bit nervous. I have children the same age as these employees, and it is a big challenge to engage and motivate them.

I’ve noticed they seem to get frustrated easily. They have a hard time dealing with the pressure of deadlines and don’t like receiving negative feedback or criticism. Also, I already see them taking advantage of our flexible time off and work from home policies.

How am I supposed to help them grow if they can’t accept that they have to change? I want to develop them into productive team members, but the level of work I need to do makes me think it’s not worth it. I’d rather just manage them out and replace them with more senior roles. Any advice before I bail on them?

Stressed-Out Boss

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Stressed-Out Boss,

It’s totally normal, no matter who your employees are, to have communication gaps and growing pains when leading a new team and establishing new team roles and norms.

Don’t get too nervous about your new employees; I’m sure they are just as nervous as you are. If you think back to when you started your first corporate job, I’d guess it was nerve-racking for you too! Just try to put yourself in their shoes.

You talk about how your new members become easily frustrated and have a hard time with the pressure of the deadlines they are given. Pressure is a common stressor for all of us, emerging and established professionals alike! Have you tried talking to them about this issue? There is a possibility they don’t know they can go to you with their problems. They may not want to disappoint you by coming to you with these issues, so they just sweep them under the rug in the hope they will be resolved on their own.

If I was in their situation where I felt I was struggling but was too nervous to tell my boss, hearing something like this would have gone a long way: “I notice you are having a tough time keeping up with deadlines lately. Why do you think you might be falling behind? What can I do to help you?”

If I know anything about my own generation, it’s that we are generally aware of our flaws—but we don’t always know how to ask for help so that we can rise above them.

Let’s be honest: nobody likes to hear that they’re doing something wrong, no matter their age. If your team members see you as someone who isn’t there to support them, they won’t open up to you—and this could become an ongoing issue. On the other hand, if your people see you as someone who wants to help them get better, they will be more likely to come to you for help in the future.

In my experience, most young professionals will respond positively once their leader cracks through that shell and listens to their needs. We really are driven by purpose! Gen Z sometimes has a reputation as difficult to manage—but in reality, we just want to make a difference in our workplace and feel that we are being heard.

As someone who works from home, one important factor that I always appreciate being set in place are the expectations my boss has for me. For example, you could try saying something along the lines of: “I would like you to start coming to the office Monday through Wednesday. On Thursdays and Fridays, you can choose whether you want to work from home or the office.” I think by solidifying these expectations you would see the results you are looking for from your team.

The same thing goes for flexible time off, although this one could be a bit trickier. When employees get their work done and demonstrate good time management skills, time off isn’t a bad thing. This situation also would benefit from a good conversation if you feel they are taking too much time off.

All this to say, don’t bail on your new team without at least trying to talk to them. Yes, they may operate in a way you aren’t quite used to yet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good workers! You just need to find what clicks for them when you bring your concerns to their attention.

I hope this advice helps you so that you can feel confident in the future when you get your next round of young professionals in the workplace. I know your new team will appreciate the extra time and attention you are putting in to try and become a better boss for them!

Best of luck!

Jaida the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Jaida Hess, Intern for Blanchard Innovation Lab.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a Boomer who is three or four years away from retirement (I hope). Over the last few years I have been working with many people who are much younger than my own children. I went from noticing that I was old enough to be the parent of my direct reports to now realizing I could be their grandparent.

I was comfortable navigating people who were the age of my own kids—after all, I was heavily involved in how the world was changing as they came of age. However, now I find myself a bit at sea. I am always worried about saying the wrong thing or doing something that will be interpreted as clueless. (I even worry that words like clueless are passé!)

I wonder what wisdom you might share that will help me relate more effectively to the kids just now entering the workforce.

Okay Boomer

____________________________________________________________

Dear Okay Boomer,

First of all, thank you for reaching out and for being open to learning and adapting! It’s awesome that you’re actively seeking ways to connect with younger coworkers. I can totally understand why it might be hard to connect with my generation, especially because the development of new technologies played such an integral part in our growing up. I’d love to share with you a few ideas on how you can develop stronger relationships with your younger co-workers.

One extremely important thing my generation values is authenticity. We are very big on being real and we see insincerity as a poor quality in anyone. When a young professional senses that someone is insincere, it can be a huge block in developing a relationship with them.

I get that you may want to connect with us—and we want to connect with you! So if there’s something you don’t know about us, it’s perfectly okay to ask. Most of us appreciate when someone makes an effort to understand us rather than pretending to know us. Being upfront about your experience and expressing a genuine interest in learning from us can create a strong foundation for positive interactions.

Bouncing off that, keeping somewhat up to date with current events, pop culture, and technological trends can be a great way to start a casual conversation with us. You definitely don’t need to be an expert, but having a general awareness can help you relate to conversations and references. We get a lot of our information from resources online, especially through social media. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider creating a social media account for yourself and following some popular new sources. If not, no biggie—a quick Google search on current events can go a long way!

On the other hand, we want to get to know you! We value your insights and can learn a lot from your career and life story. Don’t shy away from sharing your wisdom and experiences—but please do so in a way that is open to discussion.

Being a mentor to a younger colleague can provide them with guidance and insights, and it also allows you to learn from their perspective. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship that can foster deeper understanding and respect on both sides.  Reverse mentorship, where younger employees share their knowledge on emerging trends and technologies, can be a great way to bridge the generational gap. For example, when giving advice on a work-related project, share what you have done in the past but allow the other person to make suggestions as well.

In regard to communication, clarity and directness are essential. We value straightforwardness and appreciate when feedback is given honestly and constructively. Avoiding language that might be outdated or overly complex helps in maintaining clear and effective communication. Words like clueless aren’t necessarily passé, but it’s good to be mindful of context and the evolution of language. Additionally, utilizing digital communication tools such as instant messaging or project management platforms can help streamline interactions and make collaboration more efficient.

It’s important to recognize and celebrate achievements, both big and small. Acknowledging the hard work and accomplishments of younger co-workers can boost morale and create a positive work environment. Whether it’s through formal recognition programs or simply expressing thanks in day-to-day interactions, showing appreciation and gratitude can go a long way in building strong relationships.

Flexibility, adaptability, and ability to understand our values are also significant qualities we look for. The workplace is changing rapidly, and being open to new ways of doing things can make a big difference. For example, many of us are accustomed to using various apps and software for everything from task management to team collaboration. Showing an interest in these tools can help you stay connected and integrated with the team’s workflow. Additionally, understanding that my generation highly values diversity, inclusion, and mental health is powerful knowledge. Recognizing and supporting these values can create a more inclusive and harmonious work environment. Simple actions, like ensuring everyone’s voice is heard in meetings or supporting initiatives that promote well-being, can show that you’re in tune with what matters to us.

Remember, the goal isn’t to completely change who you are. It’s to find common ground and build mutual respect. So don’t worry too much about making mistakes. Everyone does, and what matters is the effort to connect and improve. Your willingness to adapt and learn is already a significant step toward building better relationships with the younger workforce. By being authentic, communicative, flexible, and supportive, you can create a more inclusive and collaborative workplace that benefits everyone!

Best of luck!

Maci Kate the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies. 

This week’s response is from Maci Kate Rehborg, Blanchard Community Experience Intern.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a financial analyst and have always been very good with numbers. I am young and this is my first job out of college. I was happy to get the job.

My problem is that my boss is just mean. If I can get through a week without crying, it feels like a miracle. I strive to do everything perfectly but she finds things to criticize no matter what. One day she is okay with the way I do something, and the next day she finds fault with it. I don’t make errors because I always review my work.

I can never really anticipate what she will pick on. The inconsistency is confusing, but it is the sense that she is committed to always finding something wrong that is demoralizing. I just can’t ever win.

I just hate the idea that I am flunking out of my very first job. With the job market the way it is, I don’t feel confident that I will ever be able to find something else. I feel like such a failure.

What advice do you have for me?

My Boss Is Just Mean

________________________________________________________________

Dear My Boss Is Just Mean,

I am sorry. This sounds hard. It is just true that some people think being a boss means catching people doing things wrong. All the time. Some have good intentions and actually believe that is the job—the constant critiques will make you better. And then there are some people who enjoy lording their power over others to make them feel cruddy and who relish the act of keeping people off kilter. I am not a big fan of speculating about the intentions of others, but in this case there might be some value in establishing what your boss’s intentions are.

Here are some questions:

• Are you sure there are no patterns to her feedback? Does she focus on content, or process, or style? There may be more method to her madness than you have been able to decipher. Since you are careful about errors, is it possible she prefers that you submit your work a certain way, or set up your formatting differently—and then maybe forgets or changes her mind?
• Is the criticism personal? Does she berate your competence? Call you names? Threaten your job? Or is the feedback always simply focused on the work itself?

I am trying to get at whether your boss is really mean or just flaky and clueless. That will help you to manage yourself around her, and to make a decision about what you are going to do about it.

In the meantime, let’s talk about you. Because here’s the thing—this isn’t the only terrible boss you will ever have. The opportunity in this situation is for you to develop a thicker skin, work on a practice of taking nothing personally, and learn to protect yourself from other people’s horribleness so you don’t end each day in a puddle of tears.

In the quest to develop a thicker skin, it can be helpful to remember that criticism is just information. If it is inconsistent and has no discernable patterns, in the end it is just noise. So, instead of seeking to avoid it, you can anticipate it and assign it no meaning. You can also ask questions. For example, if she approved of something last time, but today it isn’t working for her, you can ask what changed. You can try to get more detail on the criteria you should use to exercise your own judgment. You can even say something like: “I strive to make you happy, but I am finding it difficult to anticipate exactly what will do that. Perhaps there are some general guidelines I might need to follow so I can do a better job.” Keep track of what she says and refer back to it in the future. If she really is trying to make you crazy, you will know for sure.

Either way, remember that it is almost never about you. Which leads me to the practice of taking nothing personally.

In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz says “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.”

Take whatever you can from any feedback (from anyone, not just Meany) and see what there is to learn from it—what glimmer there might be in it to increase your effectiveness as a colleague, to contribute, to achieve mastery. Everything else is just noise.

A useful technique when other people behave badly, especially when it is directed at you, is to practice compassion for the person. To wonder, “Huh, if she is that critical about me, I’ll bet she is that critical of herself. Wow, that must be hard.” I know, it’s a stretch. But it is worth a shot, and with a little practice you might get the hang of it and find yourself crying a lot less.

I spent two years being beaten up by people who, I found out later, saw trying to get consultants to quit as a competitive sport. Crying in the ladies room almost daily, but sticking with it, really did make me stronger. Some days you will be better at it than others. Think of the rest of your time with Meany as training to toughen up. It will serve you well for the rest of your working life. Try to get a bead on Meany’s intentions. If she really is out to get you, you probably should try to find another job. I know the job market is daunting, but there is always a job for someone who works hard and is competent. Just take your time, be persistent, and don’t give up. But if Meany is just kind of oblivious, you might be able to learn to be okay with it. Give her the benefit of the doubt, continue to do excellent work, and ride it out. Others are probably having the same experience, so chances are Meany will be promoted out of your area (yes, it happens, the senior executives in some organizations are so conflict-averse—I see it all the time) or fired.

 You can dig deep and find your courage. You can get stronger. Remember what you are good at, and the value you bring. Breathe. Cry when you must, laugh when you can. Keep showing up.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team that provides services to the professionals in my company. In my last performance review, my boss told me I needed to find new ways to add value to the organization.

At first I thought, okay, I can do that. But then I realized I really have no idea what “adding value” really means.

My boss is extremely busy and rarely shares insights about the organization. I feel like I can’t come up with good ideas in a vacuum, but I am also trying to figure out how to exceed expectations for my next performance review.

What do you think my boss means by this? Where should I start?

No Clue

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear No Clue,

The tricky thing about trying to exceed expectations is that it often involves being able to read people’s minds. For many high performers, it can be hard to know how to do that without going out of your swim lane and potentially causing chaos.

I agree that it is hard to tell what “add value” means to your boss. And without some idea of what your actual job is, it is hard for me to provide ideas. But when has that ever stopped me?

The question is: how can you get clues that are not forthcoming from your boss? They will have to come from your own experience, your team, and the people you serve.

You don’t want to launch into action without clarity about what a good job would look like. So start with yourself. Ask yourself: “What ideas have I had about how we might be more useful to our stakeholders? What perpetual issues keep cropping up? What do people complain about around here that my team and I might be able to do something about?” You may be surprised by how many ideas come to you.

Then ask your team: “In the course of your work, what do people seem to need or want that is currently not on our radar screen?” As the people closest to your customer base, they probably hear things you may not.

Finally, you might think about creating a survey to send to the people who use your services. Ask questions about what you currently do to assess whether their expectations are being met. Ask what might improve their experience. Then ask what other services might be useful to them. Of course, you may hear suggestions that fall outside of your remit, but you might also get some ideas of how you might “add value” to them. Those you ask will at least get the impression that you care enough to ask them.

Take all of the ideas that make sense to you and that you think might be viable for your team, and share them with your busy manager. Maybe put them in order of priority of what is simplest to implement while providing the most value. What could you offer at the lowest cost for the highest worth? She hopefully will be attracted to one or two of them, and, even better, may provide some suggestions of her own. At the very least, she will know you heard what she said and you are acting on her vague request.

If the whole effort is way off base, with any luck she will redirect you and you will have a little more to go on. Either way, I don’t think you will feel like your efforts are wasted.

It seems to me that it would be your boss’s job to provide strategic direction for your team’s performance. There is a chance she is too far removed from what you do to have any good ideas. We can speculate but we have no way of knowing. You can show initiative by doing something.

It takes a certain kind of confidence to take initiative in the absence of any direction. It shows leadership qualities. You may very well have more intuitive awareness than you give yourself credit for, but have not given yourself permission to trust it.

Make your plan and execute it slowly, keeping your boss updated as you go. Take any and all feedback under advisement and revise your plan accordingly. Action begets action, and that is what creates momentum.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a business unit for a global manufacturing company and have been in the role for about 18 months. I took over for someone who was completely checked out and it was a bit of a mess. It has taken me this long just to untangle the log jams and uncover all of the critical tasks that weren’t getting done. I had to replace a few key managers who weren’t enthusiastic about being held accountable.

All of the processes and systems are now up and running, and things are smooth enough that I have devoted some time to doing skip-level meetings with people who report to my executive team members. These have been enlightening, to say the least. It has become clear to me that one of my team members, who has delivered stellar results, has also created a toxic work environment. He yells at people in front of others and his team members live in fear of making a mistake. I believe it is only a matter of time before they start quitting in droves.

I was put in this job because my strength is process, so I am a little at sea about what to do about this situation. My instinct is to call him out in front of the rest of the team so he knows what that feels like, because that’s exactly what he is doing. I am so mad that this is the only thing I have come up with so far. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Process Master

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Process Master,

Congratulations on your success.

Skip levels can indeed be illuminating. You have somehow earned enough trust in the organization that people are willing to tell the truth about their experience. The problem is now that you know, and people know you know, you do need to do something about it or you risk losing that trust.

The question is: what?

Your instinct is understandable and your hesitation is smart. You don’t want to role model the exact behaviors you are trying to curtail. You have already shifted the culture of the organization to be process focused. What else do you think is important to the culture? If culture is values in action, what are the values you want to see? There are clues in your allergic reaction to the way your direct report is treating his people.

If you see yelling at people—especially in front of others—as unacceptable, what should replace that behavior? Possibly this indicates that you think leaders should treat their people with respect and should give feedback in private. What exactly would that look like?

If people live in fear of making a mistake, how should mistakes be dealt with? The way you answer this question reveals the value you want your leaders to embody. Perhaps you think that mistakes reveal a lack of competence that needs to be addressed. This might represent the value of preparedness. Possibly you feel people have too much on their plates and need help to balance their workload. That might represent the value of fairness, say, or load balancing.

What else did you hear from your skip levels that leads you to diagnose the environment their leader has created as toxic? What exact specific things did you hear that the leader does that makes you believe people will quit in droves? This is the only way to shape the requests you can make of your direct report. It should be direct and straightforward, so that there is no confusion about the message you are sending.

It might sound something like this:

• “I understand you routinely yell at your people in front of their peers. That is not an effective way to build trust among your people. I request that you never raise your voice and offer redirection in private. Keep things matter of fact, never personal.”
• “I heard your people live in fear of making mistakes. I request that you treat people with respect and treat mistakes as information that something is not quite right. Get to bottom of what is causing the mistakes and fix it.”
• “Your results have been excellent, but you won’t be able to sustain them if everyone quits. So I need to see if you can produce the same results while creating an environment that people enjoy working in.”

Write down your requests, and, if possible, practice with someone safe. Do not allow yourself to make room for excuses or get drawn into a debate. That will take you down a road that will not serve you.

Once you make clear requests, make sure your direct report knows you will be following up to check on his compliance with them. Be ready to share the consequences he will face if he does not change his behavior. He has already seen that you will not tolerate lack of accountability, so that should work in your favor.

As the leader of your unit, it is your responsibility to share the values you expect your team to use as they lead their people. You seem to have gotten the message across that process alignment and task completion are the most important. Now you can add other values—maybe respect, or kindness, or appreciation for employees. One leader I worked with had a value he called “No Jerks.” His people knew exactly what that meant.

I can’t tell you what your values are—only you can sleuth those out by noticing what you don’t want. That will help you to articulate what you do want, what is most important, and what is unacceptable. Those are your values. Once you figure them out, share them with your people regularly. Use them to shape the feedback you give. Track the extent to which your leaders are guided by those values in performance reviews. As you know, anyone can get great results through bullying in the short term, but it will tank results in the long term.

I suspect you will rise to this new leadership challenge.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team of eight employees. One of them is dealing with a personal crisis outside of work and I can see he is struggling. This isn’t the first time I’ve had an employee dealing with crisis, given COVID, but somehow I have managed to get by.

I want to be the compassionate, supportive leader he needs, but I also don’t want to pry too much or blur the lines on our professional relationship. I just don’t have training to be a therapist or counselor and I need clear direction.

Can you help?

Wanting to Up My Game

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Wanting to Up My Game,

The problem with managing humans is that they are—well, humans. Being human is complicated and often hard. No one is immune from accidents, illness, addiction, mental health crises, emergencies, or acts of God (Fire! Floods! Earthquakes! Tornadoes!) that happen to them or a loved one. Most employees will have a spouse/partner, children, and/or aging parents who will inevitably need the kind of attention that will bleed into workdays and cause distraction. On my own team of seven we recently had one person whose husband, a police officer, was shot and killed in the line of duty, one person whose mother was in hospice care, one whose brother-in-law died suddenly, and yet another whose brother was in a tragic accident. And the rest of us all had happy distractions—graduations, engagements, weddings. As you can imagine, getting the work done was chaotic and a team effort.

My experience is that as organizations seek efficiencies, teams get leaner and leaner and there is absolutely no wiggle room. People can’t take vacation time because there is no backup for them. Employees can’t afford to get sick, can’t afford for a child to get sick, and don’t have the time to deal with a parent who has fallen and been rushed to the hospital with a broken elbow. So not only are employees stretched to the max with work commitments, any added personal commitments can feel completely overwhelming.

How, as a manager, do you address this?

The first order of business is to get very familiar with whatever support is available to employees through your EAP. I will admit that I don’t pay any attention to all the emails I get from HR about the amazing benefits available to me and my dependents until I need to. This will be true for most people. So the more you know, the quicker you can direct people to the kinds of support that is probably free for them, and the better.

The next step is to build your relationship with your HR Business Partner (HRBP), if you have one. Again, most of us don’t think about them until we need them, but it is literally their job to help you navigate difficult situations and avoid potential legal traps. In my career as a manager, I have lost two employees to cancer and the cases were totally different. One employee wanted to come to work until she literally couldn’t anymore and another wanted to step out of the job right away. In both cases, our HR team was with me every step of the way to offer clarity on short-term and long-term disability insurance, honoring the wishes of the stricken employee as much as possible, and making sure they were properly taken care of all the while juggling the need for backup resources so the work still got done.

Once you know what your options are in terms of where and how to direct people who could use help, you need a clear guide to diplomacy so you can have the hard conversations. There is a fine line between being empathetic, having compassion for someone, and giving them the space they need to take care of a personal issue—and feeling taken advantage of. Here is an article about Leading with Empathy that sheds some light on how to avoid crossing that line.

In Leadership is An Art, Max de Pree said “The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality.” The last thing you want to do is pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t, so ultimately it will be up to you to gather your courage and take the plunge to address the situation head on. For this, I would direct you to our wonderful Conversational Capacity model that urges finding the sweet spot between candor and curiosity.

You don’t mention in your letter just how much your employee’s “struggling” is affecting his performance, so it is important for you to assess your own needs and needs of your team before you have a conversation. You want to be crystal clear on what you hope to achieve by having the conversation. So—what do you want?

• Do you want to simply extend empathy? Do you want to let your employee know that you have noticed that he is struggling, you can see that he is valiantly trying to cope, and you want him to know you are there for him if he wants to talk?
• Do you hope your employee will get help? And you want him to know about and take advantage of the support available to him? He might be insulted, but the fact is that it is your job as a manager to make sure that employees know and use their benefits.
• Do you need to make a request for your employee to get back on track performance-wise? Hard to do without feeling like a monster, but again, reality is reality.
• Do you think your employee should take time off? Be ready with details on short-term disability options.
• Something else?

The clearer you are about what you want to achieve going into the conversation, the better off you will be. So, in your case you might plan the conversation like this:

Start with Candor

State your position: This is what I am noticing, this is the impact on your work, this is the impact on the team, this is the impact on our ability to meet our deadlines and commitments, and something needs to be done to address the situation. Focus on what’s true with no judgment or blame.

Explain your thinking: Share the evidence you used to arrive at your position and how you have interpreted that evidence. Keep things strictly evidence-based and not personal. There is no reason you can’t say to your employee exactly what you said in your letter: “I want to be the compassionate, supportive leader [you] need, but I also don’t want to pry too much or blur the lines on our professional relationship.”

Follow with Curiosity

Test your perspective: Ask if there is anything you have missed, if you might have a blind spot, or if there is something you should know.

Inquire into the views of others: Ask if there might be another perspective. Encourage your employee to be truthful and candid without sharing anything that doesn’t need to be shared. Invite ideas on how the situation might realistically be addressed. You might say: “I need your help to brainstorm the best path forward so that you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself and I can do what I need to do to take care of the team and meet our deadlines.”

It may be very hard for your employee to face the reality of his situation and to admit his struggling is affecting his performance. It is possible that the hard conversation will help him face the truth and leave him open to considering options. If he seems to feel exposed, is sensitive and thoughtful, and seems unprepared, you will want to be ready to offer him time to think about his options and come back for another conversation. Take it step by step.

I have been teaching coaching skills for almost 30 years to managers in organizations and I have lost count of the times I have heard the statement: “It sounds like you are asking us to be therapists.”

No. Asking managers to be able to have personal conversations with other humans about the human condition, and their human experience in particular, is simply asking them to be human. Just listening to someone does not constitute therapy. You are not required to offer therapeutic services or counseling. You are required to listen, understand, offer any options and available solutions, and craft a reasonable go-forward plan to best meet the needs of all stakeholders.

Just because people experience emotions when talking about what they are going through doesn’t mean you are now a psychologist. It just means they are having emotions. It took me a long time to remember to always have tissues available in my office, but I finally got that memo. Let’s face it, we are asking our people to bring themselves—their whole selves—to work. This is how we get the passion, the innovation, the commitment, and that magical discretionary energy. We can’t then turn around and ask them to leave parts of themselves at home (or these days, in another part of the house).

And just for the record, you managed to “get by” through COVID, so I would argue that you are already doing something right.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I am a VP in an organization and I have a decent team, all of whom I inherited when I joined the organization two years ago. Everyone on my team is experienced and considered senior.

I have done everything I can think of to make everyone’s role and responsibilities crystal clear—yet I find myself constantly disappointed in my people. Examples of shenanigans I run across: one team member consistently fails to upload a weekly report that is required and needed by others and has to be reminded. Another creates emergencies where no emergency should be. And yet another recently failed to prepare adequately for a presentation to a team of my peers and my boss.

Am I overly critical? Are my standards too high? Should I be giving passes when I know people have a lot on their plate? Is it me? Is it my team? What is going on? Any light you are able to shed would be great.

Disappointed

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

It’s you. Sorry.

You know this isn’t personal because I don’t know the details. But it is always the leader. Always. When a leader is complaining about their people, it is time for the leader to look in the mirror. You’re the leader, so, yeah, it’s you.

So let’s look in that mirror. Have you always been disappointed in people on your previous teams? If the answer is yes, it means you have high standards that you have not properly shared with the people who work for you. If the answer is no, it means you have not done a good enough job of sharing your standards with this particular team. It isn’t that your expectations are too high; it’s that your people aren’t aware of what they are.

Somehow, although you have been clear about roles and responsibilities, you have not been explicit enough about your expectations. Somehow, you have sent the message that it is OK to miss deadlines with reports; you have sent the message that creating an emergency where none should exist is a judgment call that can be made without your input; and you have allowed your team members to think that showing up inadequately prepared is acceptable.

It is a common mistake to think that just because people are experienced and, as you say, “senior,” it means they will have the same professional standards as you. That just is not the case—standards for professionalism are all over the board. If you want your team members to rise to yours, you must tell them what they are.

I recently had a client ask “Do I really need to tell people I expect them to show up on time to meetings?” The answer is yes. Yes, you do. These days there is such diversity of culture, context, generations, and backgrounds that you just can’t expect everyone to read your mind. There is a good chance your team’s last boss either had different standards than yours or didn’t hold people accountable for the same things you think are important.

Just because something is obvious to you does not mean it is obvious to everyone else. So here are some examples of expectations you might want to share with your people:

• If you are presenting to people outside the team, please schedule time to review the content with me and make sure you do a practice session with the technology before go time.
• If you are considering escalating anything to emergency status with another department, please consult with me on the tactical approach first.
• Do what you say you are going to do.
• This report needs to be submitted on time and here’s why ________________.
• Submit all work at or before deadline or inform me you will be delayed and negotiate for more time.
• Be on time for meetings or let me know you will be late.
• Proof all final work before sharing it with anyone outside the department.

I just kind of made these up based on what you shared and some whoppers I have heard from clients. The beauty of disappointment is that it is data—it is information about something you think is obvious to others that, in fact, is not. Every time you are disappointed, it points to a standard you have that you have not made explicit.

Assuming you have good rapport with your people and they know you have their back, you can share your expectations and remind them as needed without judgment. In most organizations, people have more work than they can handle, so they will always look for places where they can cut. If they know you are paying attention, they won’t choose the places that matter to you if they know what they are.

Your job is to help your people do their best work and help them shine. As long as your standards are designed to do that, you will be just fine.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I started working for a US-based company about nine months ago. It is a hybrid role where I go into the office two to three days a week and work from home the other days. The job is perfect for me—just challenging enough. I feel that I can do my best and do well.

My problem is an older male colleague. I am female in a predominantly male industry and role (environmental engineering), and every time I see this colleague, he says “Smile, Danika (not my real name but I am from Denmark), things can’t be all that bad.”

Now, I have been told that I have resting b*%*# face. It is true that when I am thinking hard about something or simply paying close attention—which is all the time—I tend to frown. Ever since I moved to the US for graduate school, people have been telling me to smile more.

I. Am. Sick. Of. It.

It is only matter of time before I tell my jolly colleague where he can shove his remarks, which I know will not win me friends. What to do, though? Any ideas?

RBF

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear RBF,

Oh, how I can relate, my friend. I grew up in France and Belgium and also have been hearing “Smile!” since I moved to the US. It is definitely an American thing. I just spent three weeks with a bunch of South Americans and noticed that the women only smile when they really feel like it. The rest of time, their faces stay quite neutral. I felt out of place with my bizarre American habit of smiling all the time just to keep from putting people off. Some members of my group looked at me askance.

I am pretty sure it is only women who are told to smile constantly. I actually got a comment that I should smile more on a 360-feedback report that I engaged in recently. I was shocked—at this point in my career and life, someone (I am certain, a man) still feels the need to tell me to smile more. And I make an effort already! Honestly, it is enough to make a woman scream.

To be fair, I have worked with some male leaders who are terrifying to their team members due to their seniority, physical stature, authority, or sheer IQ. These men have benefitted from simply remembering to smile when they see others in the office or on zoom, or when they ask how someone is. It makes people relax a little bit and remember that, brilliant and authoritative as the boss is, he is still just a human being.

And you are right—a witty comeback will not serve you, as satisfying as it may feel in the moment. So here are some ideas:

• When you greet people and are perfectly happy to see them, tell your face. Remember that you might be intimidating to some. Reminding everyone you greet that you are just a regular person who cares about them as a person can’t hurt. It takes some practice, but it is worth a try.
• If someone continues to be annoying with their reminders, practice a comeback that is the truth—something like “Hey, I grew up in a culture where people don’t smile all the time, and I am trying to get used to this American smiley thing” or “Oh, hi, I was just noodling on the intractable water purification problem we are wrestling with on the Sanoz Project,” Or “I’m trying, but I hate Mondays, don’t you?” And if they keep it up: “I am trying, I really am! Thanks for the reminder!”
• Share one of my favorites: Substitute your own country of choice and say “You know why (French) women have no wrinkles? They never smile!” Haha. Not to insult anyone, but you get the idea.
• Put a sticky note on your computer screen to remind you to smile, especially on web conferences.
• Put up a little mirror at your workstation to remind you to smile. I have seen this done in call centers because even with zoom, people can hear it when you smile.

Americans are just weird with the smiling thing. I could go down the rat hole with the whole gender and culture thing, but we aren’t going to solve those issues today. Remember that you are working in an American company with American people, so doing what you can to fit more comfortably into their culture will probably ease your way. There is also research that shows that smiling lifts your mood—strange but true. So as long as you don’t resent feeling like you have to smile, it might actually feel good.

Clearly, you are serious about your work and you tend to focus hard, so this will be a stretch for you. But in the end, you are working with people and you can’t get anything done without them, so whatever you can do to get them to warm up to you will help you achieve your goals. At the end of the work day you can go home and do whatever you want with your face.

You might feel that your intellect, problem solving ability, and work ethic should be all people should care about. And I would agree—but that just isn’t the way things are. Since I also need to take this advice, I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. Worth a try, though? I guess you’ll have to find out.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Dear Madeleine,

I supervise a number of educational professionals who are required to report to a team (including parents) regarding their evaluation. A recent hire, with more than 25 years’ experience in the field, uses phrases such as “um” and “you know” excessively when giving his evaluation results to the team. At a recent meeting, I counted over 45 such instances in 3 minutes. I find it very distracting and feel it does not reflect well on our department.

What do you recommend that I do? He was hired by my boss, so I hesitate to say anything.

Distracted

Dear Distracted,

Oh dear. My daughter and I once attended a college orientation and the admissions staff member who spoke to our tour group had the same problem. My daughter and I exchanged glances and both started counting (a brief search on Google reveals this as the most common response) while suppressing our giggles.

The woman’s presentation was 30 minutes long and by the end of it we were barely able to contain ourselves. We didn’t hear a word she said. We were both mystified that no one had told her about the problem, given that she was the face of the institution to prospective students. I can only speculate that her boss didn’t care.

But you do care—so say something you must. It is distracting and it does reflect poorly on your department—but maybe even more to the point, on your new hire himself. I don’t think it matters that he was hired directly by your boss; your job is to make sure he is successful. And if you don’t help him to be more polished and professional, you are failing both of them.
Here’s the thing: it’s a habit, not a character flaw. It’s a small, common habit, born from a deep discomfort with silence, that has turned into a monster. And there is something your employee can do about it.

The first step is self-awareness. You have to call it out and ask him to notice it as he goes about his business. The next step is for him to decide to do something about it and practice another way.

How to go about this? Directly. Be kind and be brief. Here is an outline of what you might say. Practice out loud and find your own language—this is simply a suggestion.

The Self Awareness Piece:

“Hi Dan. I want to help you be as successful as possible and to leverage your wealth of experience and expertise. I need to share an observation and make a request of you. When you do your evaluations, you use filler words excessively. I think it detracts from your credibility and excellent work. My request is that you pay attention to this during your next presentation. After that, we can discuss it further.”

Do not ask for his opinion on this. You’ll have the urge to say “Have you noticed?” or something like that. If so, you will be doing a version of what he does—substituting filler because you are uncomfortable with silence. Don’t do it.

The What to Do About It Conversation:

“Hi. Did you notice? Good. Are you willing to do something about it? Great!”
I did a little research on this (it’s such a common problem that there is a ton of help out there) and I found a short, easy video that I think might really help. Watch the video together and offer to have him practice with you. (Note: Notice your own filler words and work on them as well.) Many people start every sentence with “So…” My husband drops in “it’s so interesting” where it doesn’t belong. He has to pay attention, still, after 25 years of public speaking. Your employee is not alone! Be his partner as he goes through the discomfort of changing his habit. He will get there with your support—and your boss never has to know.

I guess there is a chance he might disagree with you that his habit is a problem and decline to make any changes. Then you have a bigger problem, one that will require a hard conversation. If he won’t change, at least you’ll know you’ve done your best. If you really think his performance is lowering the quality of your service, at that point you will have no choice but to escalate to your boss.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is amazing. She has been a mentor for me and I admire her and learn from her every day. She has freakish stamina, is extremely bright and creative, and has a ton of experience and a huge grasp of strategy, management, and execution. There is nothing I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking her.

She is also nuts.

She wasn’t always nuts. But about eighteen months ago, she started having hot flashes in meetings and using a little iPhone-powered fan. I have also been witness to memory lapses and occasional irrational behavior. One minute she is totally normal and the next thing I know she is contradicting something she said the day before, not making sense, and seeming just plain nuts. A few days ago when I pointed out to her that she was telling me to do the opposite of what we had agreed on, she blew up at me.

I mentioned this to my mom and she said, “Oh yeah, the wild hormone shifts in menopause can make women go crazy.”

So I’m pretty sure my amazing boss is in the throes of menopause. I am hoping you can help me figure out how to deal with her when she goes off the rails. She doesn’t seem to be aware of how unreasonable she can be. Help!

My Boss is Having Hot Flashes

Dear My Boss is Having Hot Flashes,

Ah, my favorite thing: amateur family member diagnosis! And such a politically incorrect diagnosis it is! Your boss may indeed be suffering from hot flashes, mood swings, memory loss, brain fog, and insomnia—all of which are, indeed, classic symptoms of peri-menopause and menopause. Who wouldn’t be cranky? I am probably around the same age as your mom, so I happen to know all about this topic.

But really, so what? I guess it would be easier to deal with if you thought this was a finite situation that would eventually go away on its own. But the fact is, your boss’s behavior could be caused by any number of conditions or situations that are really none of your business. She might have something terrible going on at home, or she might be dealing with a serious health issue. You just don’t know, and you can’t assume.

So the question is this: how do you cope when someone who is normally a paragon of sanity behaves irrationally?

Strike when the iron is cold. One terrific book that really helped my husband and me when we were raising teenagers is Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!. The author advised readers to “strike when the iron is cold.” This means that you shouldn’t try to engage in the heat of the moment, which I think applies when anyone is acting crazy. In the moments your boss is behaving oddly, just stay calm and breathe. Don’t react or try to reason with her when she is hot under the collar. But pay attention to errors or inconsistencies—even take notes if you need to, so that when the time comes for you to talk about it, you can be super clear.

Have that hard conversation. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boss, so in a calm moment, ask for some time and permission to share some observations. Be neutral and non-judgmental, but outline as objectively as possible what you have seen. Include the effect her behavior has on you—that it has made you confused and worried. She will probably be appalled and embarrassed. She must know her behavior has been erratic. It is really hard to watch yourself from the ceiling acting like a lunatic—unfortunately, I know this from experience. So hopefully, acknowledging it will help her. But if she shuts down the conversation and refuses to discuss it? Well, at least you tried.

Take notes and send them out. No matter what she does, try to maintain clarity about your job. One way to keep things really clear—and avoid he-said-she-said arguments about what was decided—is to take notes in every meeting, including a list of agreements, and send them to all meeting attendees. That way, you have a record and it isn’t just your memory vs. someone else’s. This is a good discipline to develop anyway, and will serve you well for your entire professional career.

Document the behavior in question. It’s possible that things may not improve and you eventually will have to go to HR. If this happens, you will need a record of incidents with dates and clear accounts of what happened. Even if you never need this record, it might help you find patterns or clues that will enable you to cope more effectively. I did this once with an employee and it helped me realize that Mondays were not good days to try to have planning conversations with her. I never could put my finger on why, but I just steered clear of anything taxing on Mondays. Apart from that quirk, she was a stellar employee.

For the love of Pete, don’t crack any jokes about menopause. We middle-aged women are not amused by being the source of others’ entertainment.
Given the high regard in which you hold your boss, I would say you can probably find it in your heart to cut her some slack while also taking care of yourself. Be kind, be patient, and keep your sense of humor.

If your diagnosis is correct, this too shall pass.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

About three months ago, my boss told me that I was in line for a promotion. It is now the middle of December and I haven’t heard a word. I asked about it at my last one-on-one and he looked at me funny and then changed the subject. I don’t think he remembers the conversation.

My boss is usually great and nice, but also sometimes moody and weird—and he often doesn’t remember conversations. I once submitted a report he had asked me to create – I spent four nights and a weekend putting it together. Again he gave me that blank look and it was obvious he had no idea what it was and no memory of having asked me to do it.

In the meantime, I really want that promotion. What do I do now?

Boss in a Fog

Dear Boss in a Fog,

Wow, this is tricky. We all have memory lapses and stress can make the problem worse, but this seems beyond the norm.

It doesn’t appear that the behavior comes from bad intentions, so you are going to have to prioritize which is more important to you right now: that your boss gets the help he needs to be clearer, or that you get the clarity you need to be as effective as possible in your job.

It all depends on the relationship you have with your boss. Clearly he has a problem, and some would tell you to go to HR to report it. The key, if you want to go with that course of action, is to keep track of incidents with dates and details.

I would only recommend this course of action if you don’t feel like you can have an honest conversation with your boss. I can tell you that if my employees noticed that I was being odd and inconsistent, I would very much want them to mention it to me. This option would require some practice and courage. I am a big fan of Susan Scott’s method from her book Fierce Conversations.

1. Name the Issue. He has said specific things which he then does not seem to recall.
2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior. The ones you shared here should do it.
3. Describe your emotion about this issue. You feel you do a lot of work that doesn’t make any difference to anyone. You got all excited about a possible promotion and now have no idea what is going on.
4. Clarify what is at stake. This is tricky. You can stick with how it is affecting you personally, or you can go out on a limb and share that you are worried about your boss’s health. The angle that you are worried about him can easily backfire, though, so take stock of the relationship. If you don’t have the history, he could easily get defensive.
5. Identify your contribution to this problem. Is it possible you are misinterpreting things? Be honest.
6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue and be specific about what “resolved” looks like to you. This is critical and will provide both of you with a measure so you will both know that the fix is successful. In your case, I would suggest repeating back what you hear to make sure you got it right. Then document all conversations and email them to your boss for confirmation on what was agreed to.
7. Invite the other person to respond.

The thing I like most about this process is that it forces you to prepare for a conversation about one problem, and one only. You can’t pile on with everything your boss does that drives you crazy, but you can, maybe, make an impact on one thing he does that is impacting your success.

Maybe try a conversation first. If that doesn’t yield anything, then go to HR. You are not the first person to notice this, and this may even be a known problem. Regarding the promotion, you may just have to deal with the fact that it was never a real possibility in the first place. You won’t know until you tackle the fundamental problem with your boss or talk to someone in HR about it.

Happy holidays to you. I hope you get your promotion, and I really hope your boss is OK.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

Dear Madeleine,

I know I am supposed to have regular one on one meetings with my employees and I have been doing it for a long time. It works well—I feel more connected to each of them and they are all doing really well.

Except one.

I have one direct report who is very good at her job—but during her one on one meetings with me, she literally never stops talking. I can’t get a word in edgewise. It is a one-hour wall of words. In fact, she often can’t stop so the meeting goes late. Worst of all, she doesn’t seem to leave these meetings the better for having had them.

Not surprisingly, I have begun to dread our one on ones. She repeats herself and goes in circles and it is just so tedious. Every meeting with her feels like a colossal waste of time for both of us. How can I fix this?

Swamped by Words

Dear Swamped by Words,

Congratulations on doing one on ones—this process will serve you well for the rest of your professional life.

It is important to remember that a key differentiator of a one on one meeting is that it is the employee’s agenda. So in the end, if that is how she wants to use her time, it really is up to her. But you can try to help her get more out of the time.

You will need to be patient at this point, however—because by allowing this behavior, you have accidently trained it. And you will now have to un-train it.

The first step is to tell your direct report you are concerned she is not getting as much value from her one on ones as she might. Ask her if she would be interested in making them more valuable. If she says no, well, there you have it. If she says yes, you can ask her to prepare for them by thinking about the following questions:

• What have you accomplished?
• What did you want to accomplish that you didn’t?
• What are you proud of?
• What could you use help with?

Share that the people who get the most of out their one on ones keep a running list of topics throughout the week and submit a short, written agenda prior to their meeting, which keeps them on track.

Also, during the meeting you can gently stop your employee when she is ranting by asking her “What is most important for you to express right now?” This can help with prioritization.

When she repeats herself, one strategy you can use is to repeat back what she has said so she knows that you have fully heard her. If speed and flow of words continue to increase, you can help calm her brain down by literally saying, gently: “Stop. Let’s take a breath here.”

The key—and this requires discipline—is to stay calm, be kind, park your judgment, and stay neutral.

Finally, I have to ask if this employee does this elsewhere at work. Is she driving her coworkers crazy? Are her clients avoiding her? Because if this is the case, you have a whole other problem and you need to give her direct feedback and possibly even recommend some help.

But let’s stick with this first step for now. One on ones are an important communication tool and it’s important to get this right.

Good luck,

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

It doesn’t have to be an adversarial relationship, says Craig Spitz, CFO at The Ken Blanchard Companies.

“As gatekeeper of the financials, the CFO asks the questions. The learning and development professionals provide the models and numbers that make the case for a training expenditure. It’s about connecting the dots. CFOs love to have that kind of help during the budgeting process—it makes their job much easier.”

Connecting the dots is especially important for discretionary budget items such as training, says Spitz.

“Budget-wise, a lot of expenses are pretty standard from year to year. But purely discretionary items such as travel and training are the ones CFOs need to look at more closely. For these items, we use a zero-based budgeting approach.”

That means identifying not only what the money will be used for, but also some of the reasoning and rationale behind the request.

“If we can quantify some ROI and demonstrated impact through lowered expenses or increased revenue, we can examine the request further. The bottom line is, if you’re going to spend these dollars for training, you need to show a positive financial result.

“The only time this wouldn’t apply is when we have a directive from the top that says we are going to target a specific culture problem or engagement score. That’s a mandate where the board or CEO says, ‘We need training in this budget to address those issues.’  In that case, we are dealing with an untouchable budget item and will have to find cost savings elsewhere. But most of the time, discretionary spending like training needs to be connected to financial impact.”

Learning and development professionals can increase the odds of CFO approval if they identify the expected bottom-line impact ahead of time. And having the VP of human resources on board with the proposal is key.

“That’s your first person to convince,” says Spitz.  “Training initiatives will funnel up to budget discussions through the VP of HR. As CFO, one of my first questions is going to be to ask the VP of HR what they think. If that person is not on board, the training initiative is going to be a nonstarter.

“Ultimately, everybody is held responsible for delivering the identified operating profit. If the CEO believes an important expense or revenue item will be positively impacted by a training initiative, then that initiative will be part of the plan.”

It’s about connecting the dots, says Spitz. Anytime learning and development professionals come prepared with models, numbers, and rationale that help to make the case for training, they make the CFO’s job easier.

Would you like to learn more about successfully communicating to your CFO?  Then join us for a free webinar!

Making the Business Case for Training: Talking to the CFO

October 27, 2017, 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

One of the biggest challenges learning and development professionals face is making the business case for a proposed training initiative. It’s easy for a CFO to cut or delay funding when they don’t have a clear sense of the positive business impact a proposed initiative will provide.

In this webinar, leadership, learning, and talent development professionals will have a chance to ask questions and get coaching on how to build a sound financial rationale to go along with a proposed training agenda.

Craig Spitz, CFO at The Ken Blanchard Companies, will share some of the elements he looks for and some of the common pitfalls HR and OD professionals encounter when proposing new projects.

Participants will learn:

• How to enlist senior executives as champions
• How to calculate return on investment
• How to present information
• What to focus on—and what not to focus on

Participants will also have an opportunity to ask Craig questions and get the valuable perspective of a seasoned and successful CFO.

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn, together with peers, how to tackle the budgeting and approval process—and give your next training initiative its best opportunity for approval!

Register today!

I am a senior leader in a large commercial services organization. I spent many years learning how to make good use of an assistant and I’ve always made sure I had a great one. Over the last few years, the company has been reducing the size of the administration group and I have had to share an assistant with other executives. That was okay because I was self-sufficient, had my act together, and would set things up so my stuff always got done.

Until now. Two other executives and I were recently given a new assistant and he is a walking disaster.

He doesn’t write things down, he doesn’t remember anything, and he doesn’t seem to understand the most basic office software—for example, I had to teach him some basic calendaring skills and then he didn’t remember. Some days I think he is on some kind of drug because he is so laid back and spaced out.

My problem is I have started to take back all the tasks I would usually delegate, which is adding an extra 90 minutes to my already packed days. Why not just go to HR and replace him, you ask? He is the nephew of the CEO and sucks up shamelessly to the other two executives, who don’t really know how to use an assistant so they don’t really care that he is incompetent.

I need help! What do you think?

My Assistant is Terrible

Dear My Assistant is Terrible,

Wow—I am so sorry. I tell my clients all the time that they are only as good as their assistant, so I can certainly understand your predicament. It sounds like you are dealing with a bunch of different issues here—and one of them is political.

Your first line of defense is to sit down with your new assistant, explain what a good job looks like, and create a step-by-step plan for him to get up to speed. Be kind and patient—we can’t have nephew Fred reporting negative things about you. Document each and every interaction, task, and goal, every dropped ball, every instance of incompetence. You might be surprised that he is not the numb nut you think he is when he has proper direction. On the other hand, if he IS what you think he is, you will have flawless documentation to support your case. The most entrenched nepotism can’t ignore terrible performance, but you must have your documentation.

In the meantime, do meet with HR to lodge your initial complaint and let them know what you are doing. You can ask nicely to be reassigned to a real assistant as well. Are there any terrific assistants working for others? Maybe get yourself moved to one of them. You might also make the case for needing your own full-time assistant if you can show how much more you produce when you have the right kind of help. That 90 minutes a day adds up to more than a week’s work each month—and goodness knows what else you could be doing with that 45 hours. One more option, and I know this sounds nuts but I have seen it done: consider hiring a virtual assistant outside of the organization and paying for that person yourself. It may be impossible because it would require access to calendars and email, so the organization would have to approve, but there may be a variation on the idea that could work.

Don’t despair. If the nepotism situation is as out of control as you think, your guy will be promoted soon. If it isn’t, he will be gone, and you will still have your reputation.

Love, Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

“Rarely do we hear each other’s voices these days,” says Pat Zigarmi, leadership expert and founding associate with The Ken Blanchard Companies. “Communication becomes a series of one-way texts. It’s kind of like a ping-pong ball going back and forth.”

In the April edition of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Ignite newsletter Zigarmi questions whether this ping-pong approach encourages bad communication habits among managers—especially when it comes to providing direction and support.

“A basic principle of our approach to leadership is that a portion of managerial conversations should be focused on other people’s needs, not just the manager’s needs. But today’s communication is often all about whatever agenda the manager is pushing.”

“In our Situational Leadership® II training program, we teach that leadership is most effective when it is done side by side. That doesn’t happen with one-way communication such as ‘Answer my questions right away!’ or ‘Get me what I need now!’

“In rapid-fire, back-and-forth communication, there is no opportunity for the leader to ask ‘How is this sitting with you?’ ‘How does this stack up with your other priorities?’ or ‘What else do you need to know?’”

Zigarmi explains that if productive conversations aren’t happening between manager and direct report, competence is not going to be built, motivation is not going to be addressed, and confidence is not going to be developed.

“Real conversation is give-and-take,” reminds Zigarmi.

In today’s busy work environment, we must maintain a balance between the quick transfer of information the leader needs and meaningful conversations that focus on the needs of others. Communication at its best helps team members build their competence, motivation, and confidence on the goals and tasks they need to accomplish.

Would you like to learn more about improving the performance related conversations taking place in your organization?  Join us for a free webinar!

Situational Leadership® II— Keys to High Quality Conversations at Work

Thursday, May 4, 2017, 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

To improve the level of engagement and performance among team members, managers must increase the quality of their conversations with the people they lead. That’s the message best-selling author and leadership expert Dr. Patricia Zigarmi will be sharing in this webinar that looks at the ways managers—new and experienced alike—can improve the way they communicate.

Drawing on three decades of experience co-authoring, teaching, and measuring the impact of Blanchard’s flagship program Situational Leadership® II, Dr. Zigarmi will share how leaders can increase their effectiveness directing and supporting the work of others.

You’ll learn:

• How to help leaders be more purposeful and intentional in their conversations
• How to create a sense of partnership with each direct report by aligning on goals, development level, and the matching leadership style
• How to create a work environment that is optimally motivating
• How to use a common language of leadership to develop trust

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn how to partner with team members, peers, and colleagues in a side-by-side relationship. Discover how the focused conversations of a Situational Leader, tailored to each team member’s individual needs, can greatly improve engagement and performance.

Register today if you:

• Don’t know much about Situational Leadership® II, (SLII®) the most widely used leadership model in the world
• Know about SLII® but want to see what’s new
• Want to learn more about best practices in implementing Situational Leadership® II in your organization

LEARN MORE

Why don’t more managers schedule regular one-on-ones? Time pressure is one factor but sometimes uncertainty on what to discuss can also be a problem. But as this story explains, managers are not expected to have all the answers.

Ready to take a second look at one-on-ones? Here are three posts to offer you help and encouragement if you are ready to make one-on-ones a part of your management skill set in 2017.

Could You Be More Coach-like in Your One-on-One Conversations? Consistently, the data shows strong correlations between a leader’s coaching effectiveness and measures of employee commitment…

Need More Time? How Recurring One-on-One Meetings Can Help I recently coached an ambitious sales person with ten direct reports after he attended a three-day Managing People workshop…

Getting the Most from Your One-on-One Conversations: 6 Tips for Managers and Team Members A recent survey conducted by Training magazine found that 89 percent of those polled want to meet with their manager at least monthly, and 44 percent want …

This post is by Paul Murphy, Director of Channel Sales, Asia-Pacific.

It is commonly assumed that leadership behaviors are driven by the cultural norms of a given country or region. But research shows that organizational culture is actually a much stronger driver of leadership behaviors than is country or regional culture.

For example, an employee at a large US multinational in China is far more likely to use the behavioral norms of that organization than those of her home country. Similarly, an English manager working for a local Japanese firm is much more likely to embrace the behaviors of that firm than those of his home country.

What does differ dramatically inside multicultural organizations is the way people communicate. A US manager wanting to take a directive approach with an employee will likely use very clear and concise language, whereas a Chinese manager in the same location may use a more subtle and circular message to direct an employee. Both managers are being directive, but their communication styles are very different.

It is easy to confuse leadership style with communication style. In Situational Leadership® II, we learn that leaders must apply differing degrees of directive or supportive behavior depending on the development level of the direct report.  The challenge is not to look at which style of leadership (directive vs. supportive) is most appropriate in a certain culture, but to take a closer look at how we communicate that style with each other.

Here are a few things to remember:

• All cultures have both supportive and directive leadership. However, the way these styles are perceived may differ. Just because an employee perceives that their manager isn’t being clear doesn’t mean the manager isn’t being directive.
• Pay attention to leadership style and communication style. It is possible to act in a supportive manner while communicating in a way that may be perceived as directive.
• Position your organizational culture as the key driver of behaviors. Make allowances for communication styles, but still identify desired directive and supportive behaviors for leaders.

Leaders from any background, though they inevitably have a preferred leadership style, should be able to learn to flex their style with a bit of training. However, their communication style may still be misunderstood by colleagues from different backgrounds if their communication styles are misaligned.

Use these tips to keep your focus on communicating the right leadership style appropriately!

About the Author

Paul Murphy is the Director of Channel Sales, Asia-Pacific, responsible for all aspects of the indirect channel business within APAC for The Ken Blanchard Companies. Paul is based in Hong Kong and can be reached at paul.murphy@kenblanchard.com

This guest post is by Lynn McCreery.

Managers sometimes have difficulty focusing on both people and results.  They want associates to feel excited about their work, but also need them to perform. Many managers feel they have to choose—and most choose results, focusing on people only when improvement is needed.

If organizations want to create a more balanced coaching culture, leaders need to change their mindset and behaviors. They must acquire the skills to have effective conversations with their direct reports—conversations that not only make people feel safe and valued but also lead to decisions and actions that help them grow and unleash their full potential.

Madeleine Homan Blanchard, Scott Blanchard, and Linda Miller of The Ken Blanchard Companies have created a simple framework and key skills that enable managers to master four basic conversations.  Professional coaches use these skills all the time. They can help any leader focus on helping people develop and move forward with planned actions.

• First, create a safe context for a discussion by building rapport through being present both nonverbally and verbally.
• Second, get the conversation focused around the direct report’s needs by identifying what will be most useful for the person. Be specific about the topic to be discussed without conveying judgment in tone or words.
• Third, involve and engage the direct report in finding solutions and determining next steps by asking open-ended questions that encourage problem solving.
• Fourth, reach clear agreement with the person about timelines and help them take accountability for their actions.

With a little practice, leaders can make a positive change—from focusing judgmentally on what is wrong and listening only with the intent to solve the problem at hand to having safe conversations about development and action.

Identifying areas for improvement is a necessary part of coaching. But don’t get so wrapped up in results that you forget about developing your people and helping them move forward.

About the Author

Lynn McCreery is a Senior Consulting Partner for The Ken Blanchard Companies. Check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 150 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services.

These gaps are found in performance planning and performance review discussions as well as day-to-day coaching. According to a supporting white paper, this disparity translates into lowered employee intention to perform at a high level, apply discretionary effort, or even stay with the organization.

It’s a problem that needs to be addressed immediately, says Scott Blanchard, principal and EVP with The Ken Blanchard Companies. From Blanchard’s perspective, managers should meet with their direct reports weekly or at least biweekly to review progress, give feedback, and provide additional direction and support as needed.

“All good performance begins with clear goals. It’s about getting people focused and setting their priorities so that they know where they are going,” says Blanchard.

“Next, it’s about identifying the skills and motivation a direct report brings to a particular goal or task. Is it something brand new to the person that will require a lot of direction, or is it something they have experience doing? The manager needs to provide the right combination of direction and support to match the employee’s level of competence and commitment on the goal or task.”

In a recent article for his company’s Ignite! newsletter, Blanchard explains that the challenge for a manager is to be able to provide all four of the different styles of leadership people need based on their ability to accomplish a task. He points to research that shows most managers are adept at delivering only one style of leadership out of the four—for example, only directing or only supporting.

“Only 1 percent of managers we’ve worked with were already able to adjust the levels of direction and support they provided their direct reports based on specific needs. The good news is this is a skill that can be learned.”

Blanchard believes job one for a manager is to create commitment and clarity with people about where they’re going and what they’re doing. After that, the manager must make time to check in and evaluate progress on a regular—think weekly—basis.

“The best managers conduct these check-ins frequently by way of structured conversations with each direct report. This is more difficult than it sounds. Consider all of the projects being worked on by all of a manager’s direct reports. The manager needs to make sure they know which project is being reviewed. They may need four or five different conversations with a given employee depending on how many projects need to be discussed.”

Blanchard explains that the smart manager takes a situational approach to communication: they look at competence, confidence, and motivation to decide which management approach works best.

“It’s about flexing your leadership style based on what the direct report needs in a specific role. More than ever in today’s world, managers need to stop for a moment and think about the individual they are speaking with, the type of conversation they are having, how productive the conversation is, and how the direct report feels—and then decide on the best words to say.”

Getting Started

Blanchard encourages leaders to take the time to develop additional management skills.

“It can be a challenge at first, but it can be learned. We believe the success or failure of a manager hinges on the quality of the conversations they have with their people. Great managers know how to have useful conversations—how to talk things through, resolve issues, create clarity, and keep things moving forward. The capacity to learn how to have successful performance management conversations creates the foundational skill all managers need to succeed.”

Interested in learning more? 

Learning and talent development executives are invited to join Blanchard for a free special online event October 26.

Leadership 201: Developing a Leadership Curriculum for Midlevel Managers

October 26, 2016, at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time

In this webinar, Scott Blanchard will share the advanced skills needed in any leadership development program aimed at midlevel managers. Drawing on the key principles from Situational Leadership® II, Blanchard will share the recommended components learning and talent development professionals should focus on when they create a midlevel manager curriculum, including:

• The Five Elements of Advanced Goal Setting: A new take on the popular SMART Goal model that puts a special emphasis on motivation. Managers draw people into aligned goals instead of constantly having to hold them accountable to overall organization objectives.
• The Four Stages of Development: How to identify the starting mindset of direct reports on new tasks; also, the four stages of development all people pass through when taking on a new goal or project.
• How to Flex Your Leadership Style: The steps required for a leader to develop beyond a comfortable, default leadership style in order to provide appropriate direction and support for every direct report.

Don’t miss this opportunity to learn about the essential skill components midlevel managers need to succeed in today’s diverse and fast-paced work environment. Discover the components you should be considering as a part of your leadership development offerings.

Effective leaders must know how to conduct difficult conversations with employees. Because of the common perception that conflict at work is bad, it’s no surprise that so many leaders shy away from having these discussions.

I don’t know that I’d ever want to jump out of an airplane, but I recently had my first difficult conversation with a direct report. I knew if I didn’t address the problem, things could escalate and become worse than they already were—but knowing that didn’t make the task any easier. This was new ground and I felt uncomfortable. But because I knew how important it was, I took a deep breath, closed the office door, and we had the discussion.

Now, having made it to the other side of that conversation with the working relationship still intact, I want to share 9 things I wish someone had told me to help me prepare for the experience.

1. Don’t let fear hold you back

Before resolving to have that necessary yet uncomfortable conversation, I found myself silently seething about issues I could have easily done something about. Looking back, I know this wasn’t healthy for me or for my working relationship with the team. My regret is that I held off taking action because I didn’t want to be seen as overstepping the mark—especially because I was new to the team.

2. Manage your emotions and preconceptions

Many people have worked in environments where emotions had to be left at the door. In fact, I got in trouble at a previous job when I came to work in tears after being in a car accident! As human beings, sometimes it isn’t possible for us to hide our emotions—particularly if they are strong or have been stewing for some time. A challenging conversation is more likely than others to become emotional. What starts as annoyance may escalate into sadness, frustration, or even anger. If you notice this starting to happen during a difficult discussion, as the leader you must manage your own emotions, be professional and mindful of the direct report’s feelings, and keep things under control. Remember, the other person deserves respect—even if you disagree with what they say.

3. Preparation is key

When a challenging conversation is necessary, take time to plan how you’re going to open the discussion and approach the subject, as well as what you want the outcome to be. I found that making a few notes and having them for reference helped me remember my key points and kept the conversation from veering off topic—so don’t be afraid to use notes.

It’s important to open the conversation with the exact topic and behaviours you need to address. This allows the conversation to move forward and clarifies the reason for the meeting.

Imagine the ideal outcome for the conversation. Focus your notes on everything that needs to be covered and the meeting is more likely to come to a successful conclusion.

4. Keep things friendly, relaxed, and conversational

I asked some of my close friends with leadership experience what they would do to make a difficult conversation more successful. The resounding answer was “Have tea or coffee, and biscuits.”

If this is the first time you have had a particular conversation, it should be informal, relaxed, and conversational. Talk to your direct report as a friend, not as their manager. This first discussion is about raising the other person’s awareness and nipping the situation in the bud. It’s about redirecting, not reprimanding.

5. Ask the right questions

Ask open-ended questions—ones that require more than just a yes or no answer. You might find that the issue is not as straightforward as it seems. Also, this gives the person a better chance to express their viewpoint and maintains a relaxed atmosphere.

6. Listen carefully

It’s all very well and good to ask the right questions, but it’s useless unless you are giving your full attention to the responses coming from the direct report. Listen with the aim of understanding. If you don’t understand, ask clarifying questions.

7. Cooperate, support one another, and agree on how to move forward

The final part of your conversation should be positive. Work together to learn how you can best offer support to your direct report and what specific behaviours of theirs need improvement going forward.  If necessary, set up another meeting to review progress.

8. It might not be as bad as you think

Generally, people want to do well. Team members want to achieve and to do the right thing. Don’t underestimate the human need to succeed and to be liked. You may find that your direct report didn’t even realise their behaviour was off track. Often, poor performance or misbehaviour is a result of misunderstanding and not intentional.

9. Get higher level support

You don’t have to do this on your own. Ask someone at a higher management level if you can go to them when you have questions or need support in this area. Knowing someone has your back can work wonders, especially when it comes to gaining the confidence you need to have challenging conversations. The person doesn’t need to participate in the discussion, only to be available to give guidance when you need it.

Telling a direct report they are not meeting expectations is not an easy task but is an important part of leadership. Use these tips to help you tackle those all-important conversations with team members—no skydiving involved—as soon as problems arise. You will gain the respect of your team members by showing them you won’t shy away from conflict when a challenging conversation is necessary.

Do you have any other tips or advice for leaders about conducting difficult conversations and redirecting people’s behaviour? Make sure you share them in the comments!

A new book by Michael Bungay Stanier, The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever, just might be the solution every well-meaning manager has been looking for. I finished the book during my recent vacation. (I can hear the groans—Reading a business book on vacation; really?—but it was definitely worth it.) Stanier, an acclaimed executive coach and former coach of the year in his native Canada, shares seven questions any manager can use to increase their leadership effectiveness—especially during One on Ones.

I don’t want to give it all away here—you really need to read the book to appreciate the nuance and genius of what Stanier shares, but in a nutshell the seven questions are

1. What’s on your mind? A brilliantly simple way to open up a one-on-one conversation, invite people to share, and get at what is most important in the moment
2. And what else? Three little words that open up possibilities, insights, and increased self-awareness
3. What’s the real challenge here for you? The question that slows down the rush to find the first answer instead of solving the real problem
4. What do you want? Taking the time to discover the need and the desired outcome that makes charting the journey easier
5. How can I help? Insisting on a clear direct request that you as a leader can respond to
6. What will you say no to if you’re truly saying yes to this? Life is about choices. This question identifies the tough trade-offs.
7. What was most useful for you? Gathering feedback and extracting value from the conversation

If you are a well-meaning manager who wants to have more-productive conversations with your people, try these questions. Bonus: They also work great for those work-related conversations at home—you know, right after you ask, “How was your day?” You’ll see the power of these questions immediately.

For those interested in learning more about the method behind the magic, be sure to check out all the praise and positive reviews on Amazon. See why Dan Pink, Brené Brown, and Dave Ulrich, along with 300 other positive reviewers, are so excited—including me!

Conducting successful One on Ones are a key leadership competency. Learn how asking these seven questions can help you be the manager you want to be.

About the Author

David Witt is the Program Director for The Ken Blanchard Companies. A business-focused writer, researcher, and speaker, David is the editor and lead columnist for The Ken Blanchard Companies Ignite! online newsletter, moderator of the company’s LeaderChat blog, and host of the company’s monthly webinar programming.

We were correct. Our guide, Joe, had been a whitewater guide for twenty years. He had knowledge, experience, and a passion for his work.

Joe’s approach was completely different than that of the less experienced guides. He started with the basics: front paddle, back paddle, right and left turns, and the term brace, which means to lean in and hang on for dear life. We got really good at that one!

The other guides also went through the basics at the start of the trip, but what separated Joe from the pack is what he did once we were on the river. Before each set of rapids, Joe had us pull over into an eddy—or, as we liked to call it, a parking spot. Each time we did this, we spent at least five minutes in the eddy before going into the rapids.

First, Joe studied the water, making note of obstacles and how the water was flowing—or not flowing—around them. He looked for holes, logs, and anything else that might be a hazard for our boat. Joe had a plan in place for each section of rapids.

Then he focused on us. He went over all of his original instructions and had us practice each maneuver. He emphasized that when he yelled “Stop!” he meant it, and we needed to lift our paddles out of the water.

As we were going over these details, we watched the boats with the less experienced guides go by without stopping. Most were paddling full speed into the rapids without pausing at all. We saw many of them tip over, get stuck, or experience what’s known as unscheduled swimmers—the term used for people who fall out of the boat. Fortunately, nobody got hurt, but there were some close calls.

In contrast, our boat moved slowly and quite gracefully through the raging water as we followed Joe’s directions as closely as we could. Each time, we took the safest route—which, by the way, was usually the most fun as well. None of our crew fell out of the boat, nor did we hit any rocks. The boat stayed flat in the water just like it was supposed to. Joe was master of the river and we were a high performing team.

So what lessons for organizations can you take from whitewater rafting with a skilled guide? Here are a few:

• When you are looking for a guide or mentor, look for the person with the most expertise. They may not be someone you necessarily would choose for a friend, but you can learn from them. Remember that with age often comes wisdom (okay, not always) so don’t discount the ones with grey hair.
• Take time to plan and practice before you get into the whitewater. Be clear on your roles, your communication plan, and your purpose—ours was to be safe and have fun. This can be time consuming, but in the end it will help you move more quickly through the challenges. Also, be sure to have more than one contingency plan in place before you begin.
• Train your team on the knowledge and skills they need to safely navigate the whitewater, then reinforce often. Many times, training becomes a check-off-the-box activity without any reinforcement. This also takes time, but it will make the process flow much easier.
• Give yourself permission to hurry less and plan more. It is not always easy to stop action, but it is well worth the effort.
• Enjoy the whitewater! You always have a choice in whether to feel stressed or exhilarated. Why not choose the latter as often as you can?

About the Author

Kathleen Martin is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Martin’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

A good way to address this situation is to provide real life examples by sharing success stories. At The Ken Blanchard Companies, we call these behavioural examples. An example provides a concrete picture of the desired behaviour.

Let me share my recent experience of great customer service I received. Consider how many details this example provides for employees at this company who might be wondering what legendary service looks like.

My customer service story

I purchased a skincare product from a well known luxury brand and the product reacted badly with my skin. I purchased the product four months ago from an airport store and had no receipt.

I emailed the luxury brand, explained the situation, and asked for a refund or exchange. I received a reply within an hour. The representative not only explained how the products were made and what ingredients were used, they also acknowledged that the formula may not suit some customers and offered an apology. They sent me a stamped, self-addressed envelope so that I could send the product back to them and offered me an alternate product of similar value free of charge.

What are some of the details about customer service that this story illustrates?

• How to acknowledge: Instead of making excuses, they conceded their product doesn’t suit all skin types. They also acknowledged and appreciated my feedback.
• How to respond: Within an hour, I had a reply. They immediately sent a stamped self-addressed envelope for the return.
• Rules of empowerment: Purchased over four months ago? No receipt? No problem. My customer service rep was able to offer a solution to my dilemma. Then she went beyond my expectations and sent an alternative product of similar value, free of charge.

Stories bring strategies to life

Stories of real life customer service experiences are a great way to articulate what customer service means for your company. So much can be said with a simple story.

Think about what customer service means to you. Consider how you could use stories to fill in the gaps and provide behavioural examples for your people. It’s a positive way to define what good service looks like in your organization—and celebrate it.

And me? Due to my positive customer service experience, I am 100 percent sure I will purchase another product from this luxury brand and will tell this story to my friends and family. Why? Because I have confidence that I can trust the company and the brand in the future.

Dear Madeleine,

I’m a general manager at a big consulting firm. I’m doing well and I’ve been working with a coach for about four months. My biggest issue is although I’m on track, I don’t yet have a win under my belt.

I’m involved in some big deals and my peers would say I’m adding value. My concern is that my boss—and his boss—may not see the direct link between the work I’m doing and how it puts our firm in a position to win more business.

I’m afraid my time might be running out. My coach suggested I sit down with my boss and renegotiate agreements about what I’m doing and timelines to success. I’ve tried to do that, but am not getting any clear specifics from him. Any suggestions?

My Time is Running Out

Dear Time Running Out,

You seem a little paranoid.  Big wins at consulting firms take a long time to build to. I can’t believe your boss wouldn’t be aware of that.  Have you seen other people let go because they didn’t have enough wins? What evidence do you have that makes you feel so on edge? If you don’t have any and are just feeling insecure, I would say you need to stop obsessing about this and focus on the work.

If you do have legitimate reason to worry, though, I have an idea for you.  If your boss isn’t giving you specifics it may be because he hasn’t articulated what a good job looks like—or he just figures he’ll know it when he sees it.

The big consulting firms tend to be driven by metrics, so find a way to communicate what you are doing in terms of a scorecard. Build a report so that you can share with your boss on a regular basis—weekly or biweekly—all the different things you are doing, but in context of the potential deals you are working on.

Anyone with experience appreciates the amount of time and hard work that goes into landing deals. You might organize your report into activity by potential client. You could even build a little gauge that shows how much closer you are to closing business because of your activities.  If your firm used some kind of CRM system, your boss probably would be using that to track your activity.

The best you can do without an actual contract to show for your hard work is to make a consistent case for the value of your activities.  This way, your boss will have a clear view of your progress and you won’t have to worry about him wondering what the heck you are up to all day.

Good luck,

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

This Coaching Tuesday guest post is by Lynn McCreery.

In a world that sometimes seems increasingly divisive, wary, and isolating, I often think about the role coaches and leaders play in creating the proper environment for the people we lead and influence. We are there to help them feel safe and confident in knowing our primary focus is to help them—and the organization they serve—reach their potential.

I always smile when Ken Blanchard asks audiences “How many of you want to make the world a better place?” All the hands go up. “How many of you have a plan for making that happen?” All the hands go down. It may sound simple, but if we really want to make a difference in the lives of people around us, perhaps we need to start by looking at the quality of our personal interactions.

• First, consider if we are helping others move forward. Our goal is to help people grow; help them figure out what they need to be the best they can be; and help them unleash their power, their potential, and their passion about themselves and what they can accomplish. We want people to see not only the specifics of what they are trying to accomplish but also the relevance and attainability of the goal. We also want them to examine their motivation. Where do they want to be—and how do they get there?
• Second, are we listening? Do we listen with the intent to understand and to be influenced? Do we explore and ask questions to discover the real issues? Do we acknowledge what we have heard before jumping in with what we think? Coaching and leading are all about helping people discover their capabilities and what they need to move forward.
• Third, let’s all take a closer look at the language we use when we try to help. Are we being specific and non-judgmental? Often times, we use words and phrases that sound a lot like judgment and evaluation: You don’t take initiative. You don’t put in enough effort. You don’t take ownership. Sometimes we make matters worse by suggesting non-specific ways to change, such as You need to be more accountable. You need to improve your leadership. You need to get better. Evaluating someone’s performance without providing a clear picture of how they can improve leads only to defensiveness.
• Fourth, do we as leaders and coaches always affirm the other person? Do we convey that we value and respect each person we are talking to? Do they leave the conversation knowing some actions to take and believing more in their ability to improve and achieve their goals? Do they walk away with an enhanced sense of self?

Many people will tell you that the world is in need of a new leadership model. I agree. The question is whether we have a plan for making that happen. Maybe if our actions and words convey that we listen, care, and are available for support, we can help our part of the world move forward. Your thoughts?

About the Author

Lynn McCreery is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.

A survey of 450 human resource and talent management professionals by Training magazine and The Ken Blanchard Companies found gaps of 24–39 percent between what employees wanted from their leaders and what they were experiencing in 10 key areas.

Performance management is a key leadership responsibility. This survey suggests that significant gaps exist between employee expectations and what they are experiencing at work. And research shows that left unaddressed, these gaps represent a drain on overall organizational vitality through lowered employee intentions to stay, endorse, and apply discretionary effort as needed.

Better Communication Is the Key

For leadership development professionals, these survey results point to the need for including workplace communication skills as a key part of any leadership curriculum. For example, in Blanchard’s First-time Manager program new leaders are taught four key conversations:

Goal Setting: All good performance begins with clear goals. New managers usually prefer to be seen as supportive and try to avoid appearing overly directive—but that approach can backfire as soon as the first project deadlines are in jeopardy or performance standards aren’t being met. Being skilled at goal setting helps people start off on the right foot.

Praising: Ask some people how they know they are doing a good job and they will say, “No one yelled at me today.” Don’t make the mistake of not noticing. Are managers taking the time to catch people doing things right by calling out a team member’s specific behavior and the positive impact it had when they do things right?

Redirecting: When managers are not skilled at redirecting, they tend to be either unduly critical or so vague that the direct report walks away not sure what to do next. Do managers know how to use open ended inquiry questions to get the other person to talk about what is happening and ways to get back on track? Redirecting conversations are best when the direct report is doing most of the talking.

Wrapping Up: Are managers providing feedback on a frequent and consistent basis? A wrapping up conversation allows managers to measure success, review performance, and keep things moving forward. This is not a once-a-year conversation—it has to happen after the completion of each task or project if you want good results.

A renewed focus on improving workplace communication can have significant results on the performance of an organization. How’s the everyday leadership in your organization? Strong operational leadership with a focus on better communication is the key.

“Ethical behavior is doing the right thing when no one is watching – even when doing the wrong thing is legal”. – Aldo Leopold

* * *
Ethical
adjective
Avoiding activities or organizations that do harm to people or the environment.
* * *
Examples of non-ethical behavior in business and leadership are all around us; and recent well-publicized ethical breaches in organizations have brought a great deal of attention to the issue of ethical behavior – from political campaigns filled with half-truths or outright lies, and distortions to support a viewpoint; to examples of business tax evasion; to politicians submitting fraudulent expenses. The lack of integrity around the world is alarming. Even Patricia Wallington writing for CIO identifies that 82% of CEO’s admitted lying about their golf scores.

Ethical behavior is essential in leadership – good leaders have integrity, honesty, and are inclined to do the right thing (which is not, necessarily, the easy or quick choice). Ethical leaders will display self-confidence, and the people around them will be more inclined to work for a leader they know they can trust to make the right decisions. A paper published by Johnathan K. Nelson, George Mason University explains that ethical leadership is associated with a number of desired outcomes related to employees at the individual and group levels, including willingness to exert extra effort and help others; better task performance; increased job satisfaction and commitment to the organization; perceptions of an ethical climate; optimism in the future of the organization and their place within it; perceptions of task significance, autonomy, and voice – including a willingness to report problems to management.
But how can we work to become ethical leaders?
Before we look at how we can become ethical leaders, we need to look at a bigger-picture approach of identifying ourselves as moral people. Jonathan K Nelson’s paper goes on to identify key traits of ethical people:

• Ensure that ethical behavior in their private life is consistent with the moral standards they publically promote. Ensuring that their actions are not hypocritical of their words.
• Take responsibility for their actions.
• Show concern for other people.
• Treat others fairly and with respect.
• Use personal and organizational values to guide their behavior and decisions.
• Implement decisions that are objective and fair, based on fact and not opinion.

Ethics in leadership, however, goes beyond simply acting as a moral person. Being an ethical leader includes recognizing that employees are looking for guidance in their decision-making, and they need to recognize that they have power of influence over the behavior of others. Ethical leaders:

• Demonstrate examples of ethical behavior and ethical decision-making.
• Explain decisions not only in making a business case, but in ethical terms as well.
• Discuss ethical issues in their communication with employees; and encourage ethics-centered discussions, where they can encourage subordinates to speak up about their ethics-related questions and concerns.
• Explain ethical rules and principles.
• Give subordinates a say in decision-making and listen to their ideas and concerns.
• Set clear ethical standards and enforce those standards through the use of organizational rewards, and holding people accountable when standard are not met.

EthicalSystems.Org also provides gives us some ideas we can apply to our leadership role to empower us to act more ethically on a day-to-day basis:

Make ethics a clear priority
Ethical leaders make ethics a clear and consistent part of their agendas, set the standards for those around them, set examples of appropriate behavior, and hold everyone accountable when those standards aren’t met.
Make ethical culture a part of every personnel-related function in your organization
Leaders need to work hard through the hiring process, training new employees, and continuing performance management to bring in the right employees in the first instance, and then help them to work within the organization’s underlying values on ethical business.
Encourage, measure, and reward ethical leadership.
Ethical leadership from the top down is very important – not only because it creates an environment in which lower-level ethical leaders can flourish and grow – but ethical leadership at the supervisory level will guide and encourage followers’ attitudes and behavior.
Ethical leadership, at all levels of an organization, not only encourages employees within a business to act with moral integrity and make the right decisions by providing the right guidance and support on decisions and empowering employees to raise concerns when they feel something isn’t right, but this in turn will support the ethical view of the business, both internally and externally. Ethical leadership has an associated positive effect on employees. Ethical leadership supports the organization in their stead within society ensuring that the business as a whole is able to operate ethically and fairly.
For further reading on ethics in leadership, the Community Tool Box has an article which clearly defines ethics and ethical leadership; and looks at further suggestions on practicing ethical leadership; and Jack Zenger, writing for Forbes looks at ways to prevent corruption (and in turn, develop ethical behavior) in the top leadership levels of an organization.

Crowe shared data from 860 project managers who had completed a 360-degree assessment on eight dimensions.

I was surprised to learn that the Alphas—the top 2 percent of these managers as rated by stakeholders—believe communication to be the key deliverable until the product is in customers’ hands.

Communication Is Key

The Alphas emphasize the importance of understanding their audiences and the need to tailor their communication to be effective throughout the project cycle. One key trait required is self-awareness. The best project managers are aware of their natural behavioral tendencies and know when to flex their style.

As I was listening to Crowe speak, I thought of coaching conversations I’ve conducted with clients on communication. Many clients want to increase their communication effectiveness with senior executives, team members, and peers.

When looking to improve your communication effectiveness, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Who is my audience?
• What information does my audience need or want to hear?
• What is my purpose for communicating?
• What is the best approach or style for my audience?

A little bit of introspection during coaching sessions increases clients’ understanding of effective communication behaviors and approaches. This self-awareness allows clients to tailor their communication to each audience and helps them improve in areas such as being concise, stating clear expectations, and listening for understanding.

Alpha project managers, as Crowe shared, are strategic about communicating information in a way that will be quickly understood by every stakeholder. This leads to stakeholder buy-in, transparency, conflict resolution, and proactive problem solving.

Effective communication is the foundation for success—and communication is the first deliverable!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I couldn’t find a great quote on feedback; let me know if you find any. I will leave you with my thoughts on giving praise:
 Being able to give praise purely, simply and honestly to others is the greatest gift you can give. Be the person who steps forward and has the strength to give this gift where it is deserved. You will inspire and bring joy and appreciation to those who are giving their best.

]]> https://leaderchat.org/2016/02/26/praise-where-praise-is-due/feed/ 1 3614 https://leaderchat.org/2016/02/12/want-to-lead-more-effectively-have-fun/ https://leaderchat.org/2016/02/12/want-to-lead-more-effectively-have-fun/#respond Sat, 13 Feb 2016 00:15:57 +0000 http://whyleadnow.com/?p=3595 Do you have fun at work? Do you try to promote a laughter-filled workplace?
These are questions I ask myself on a daily basis. And honestly, who doesn’t to work in a positive, fun, happy work environment? The results are clear: Less stress, more engagement, higher commitment. Plus, when you create a culture of fun, you’re promoting well-being for not just yourself but for everyone around you as well.
Though, it’s true that not everyone wants to stretch outside their comfort zone to accomplish this. I mean, this is the workplace we’re talking about after all. But as a leader, by doing this, you tend to display a more genuine side of yourself, a more authentic persona that direct reports appreciate. When was the last time you pulled an office prank, or sent a funny email? When was the last time you told a funny story, or did something silly to make someone laugh? Of course, every work culture is different, so you may have to find your own version of fun that works. But remember, you are part of the workplace. And as a result, you help shape and create the workplace experience.
Perhaps you can simply start by responding to spam email. You never know what funny story you’ll get out of it:

I am sure everyone has experienced talking to someone who was not present. Conversations with a spouse or partner come to mind. I know at times I have shared something with my spouse that I was really excited about or thought was very important and did not get the response I was looking for—or any response at all—with the computer or television taking precedence. I realized my spouse was not fully present with me at the moment.

I have also experienced another’s lack of presence in a work setting. For example, recently I was talking to a colleague while several people were moving and interacting around us. My colleague was barely responding to what I was saying. I felt my colleague was more interested in the people interacting around us and preferred to be with them.

In both of these experiences, I felt disconnected with the person. I also felt that the information I was sharing was not important enough. And I walked away both times feeling deflated.

Have you had similar experiences? How did you feel?

As a professional coach, I’ve learned how important it is to avoid being distracted by my own thoughts in order to be present with another person. As a leader, you need to do the same. When you are fully present with team members, you listen more deeply and also from a curiosity perspective. As a result, team members—like clients—feel heard, understood, and acknowledged. This leads to people feeling safe and secure in their partnership with you. It also increases trust.

Ready to increase your ability to be present with others? Here are four tips for getting started.

• Recap or summarize what the person is sharing. This forces you to listen for understanding and to be curious in your questions in order to understand deeply.

• WAIT (Why Am I Talking?) Stop yourself from prematurely forming opinions and responses. Instead, focus on quieting yourself.

• Do not multi-task. Give the person your full, undivided attention. If the timing is not good, schedule another time to speak with the person.

• Breathe.  In the beginning, spend a few seconds on your breathing to center yourself in order to be present. This will allow you to focus on what is most important at the moment—the person in front of you.

As a coach, I am keenly aware of the importance of being present with my clients. To alleviate distractions before a coaching call, I take conscious steps such as turning the volume off on my phone, closing down my email inbox, shutting my office door, and taking a few deep breaths to center myself. The key for a coach is making the client a priority and closing out everything else to be fully present.

How are you at being present with your direct reports, colleagues, and family members? Try these four tips. I’m sure it will help you in your interactions with others just as it helps me in mine.

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a coaching solutions partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

In these conversations, I’ve learned that a leader believes she’s been clear about what needs to be done, or a direct report thinks he knows what is being asked of him. But then the deadline comes and goes without delivery. Or the project is presented, but only in the most rudimentary manner.

What happened?

In reviewing these situations with clients, regardless of whether the client was in the role of leader or direct report, the expected steps emerged: goals were set and deadlines were mentioned—but what didn’t happen also surfaced. Missing in these conversations was the opportunity to review and confirm what was discussed. The leader stated the deadline, but did the other person hear it? Did the leader mention the milestone delivery dates? Did they define the elements of the presentation? Did the direct report know how to deliver on what was expected, who to consult with, and what was not to be done? Did they know what a good job should look like?

To support someone in achieving a goal, it is essential to move from the implied to the specific. Almost everyone has the best of intentions. But to achieve success, people need more than good intentions—they need clarity.

Leaders need to make time in work conversations to add the essential step of reviewing what is expected. For best results, the person who received the assignment should do most of the talking during the review— this will clarify what they see as their responsibilities while illuminating any missing steps or misunderstandings. Remember, the person who does the talking learns the most. Finally, this kind of review will allow the leader to listen and endorse the direct report.

Taking the extra step to review and gain clarity before work starts will position both leader and direct report on the side of success. There is a huge difference between almost complete and complete. Leaders who take the time to review will enjoy the satisfaction of hitting the target every time.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Dear Madeleine,

Help. I am confused. I have a great job and I really like my boss. We have been working together for years—in fact, I followed him to our current company.

The trouble is that he tends to always give me, and everyone else who reports to him, really nice presents at the holidays. For example, one year he gave all the women Kate Spade handbags. Last year, he gave each of us a half case of really good wine. I am always caught a little by surprise.

It is really nice, but I do not have the budget to reciprocate. Other people on the team don’t seem upset by it; in fact some say mean things about how pretentious they think it is. They think he is lording over us how much more money he makes than we do. The holidays are coming up and I am getting anxious already about what to do.

Dear Anxious,

I totally get how the disparity between your boss and yourself can throw you for a loop. So let’s break this down and see if we can’t raise your comfort level with this situation. The first thing I wonder is whether you feel you need to say something to your boss about how snarky your peers are about the gifts. And to that I would say, emphatically: no. Just let that one rest, because as we have discussed in this column recently, no good deed goes unpunished.

Now—how can your reciprocate without blowing your holiday budget before you’ve even gotten to your personal list? Clearly your boss doesn’t expect you to come through in the same price range, so the only way to really compete is to make your gift totally personal. For example, you could bake cookies. Even if you aren’t a cook, you can make chocolate truffles; I used to do that long ago and it requires only the ability to read and follow simple directions. You could also give him a homemade Christmas card telling him three things that make him a great boss. He must have a lot going for him if you followed him from another job! If both of you are readers, you could get him a copy of the book that was your favorite read this year. Even just a framed photo of his team would be fun, and not very expensive. Nobody prints and frames photos anymore! My point is that you can’t let the monetary value throw you. Focus on how much you care about your boss and what is important to him, and a good idea will come to you.

Finally, I would say enjoy the largess while it lasts! And of course, Happy Holidays.

Love Madeleine

About the author

Madeleine Homan-Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!

In an article titled, Conflict? Talk It Out, they explain that while most leaders recognize the importance of open and direct communication, many are reluctant to enter into these challenging conversations. That’s a mistake, according to the authors.  Withholding information or avoiding difficult discussions tends to make things worse. Dealing with conflict always calls for more communication, not less.

To help leaders more easily succeed with challenging conversations they face, the authors suggest a five-step process that can help both parties speak up without pushing the other person away.

5 Steps for Tackling Tough Conversations

1. State concerns directly. Communicate in a way that doesn’t alienate the other person. Use “I” statements to describe your experience of the behavior you are seeing and to understand the essence of the issue.
2. Probe for more information to gain a deeper understanding. Be patient and ask open-ended questions. Create a safe and supportive environment that is free of fear.
3. Engage the other party through whole-hearted listening. Listen even when it is uncomfortable. Focus and understand what the other person is saying. Quiet your inner thoughts. Be fully present throughout the conversation.
4. Attend to body language. Be able to spot discrepancies between what you are hearing and what you are seeing. If you notice body language that is inconsistent with what you are hearing, take an extra minute to explore further.
5. Keep forward focused. Resist the urge to move ahead before everyone is ready. It is a delicate balance to make sure everyone has been heard while also keeping the focus on moving the conversation forward. Don’t be in a hurry—sometimes going slower is faster.

Leader who are able to resolve conflict in the workplace and who appreciate the value of different perspectives create a better place to work and live. Leaders who model these qualities demonstrate through their behavior how to convert potentially challenging situations into positive experiences. To learn more about Kalish and Zigarmi’s approach to dealing with emotionally charged conversations, be sure to check out their complete article in the October issue of Talent Management magazine.

And while managers never intend to have unproductive conversations, bad conversational habits can often get in the way of effective communication.  Here are three they recommend that leaders keep an eye on:

Intentionality lapses. Leaders sometimes plunge ahead in an inappropriate setting with negative consequences. For example, you bump into a direct report who has a question, and before you realize it the dialogue touches on topics that are potentially sensitive, emotional, or confrontational. Instead of plunging forward immediately, consider quietly framing the issue in the present and planning a time and place to continue the talk later in the future when it is more appropriate.

Not staying focused on the topic at hand. As a rule, leaders should focus on one subject at a time—especially when a conversation is about feedback or necessary behavior change. Managers need to know how to skillfully address one topic, and if another topic comes up that threatens to derail the first, to stop and say, “That’s a separate conversation.” You needn’t be dismissive when the other person gets off track, however; just let them know they’ll need to take up the separate issue with you at a different time.

Poor listening or an inability to find common ground. When leaders don’t listen well or are unable to reach a shared understanding, they tend to focus on only their side of the conversation. A tell-tale symptom of this bad habit is when managers repeat themselves. Instead of listening and seeking common ground, they say things like, “Like I said before…” or, “As I was saying…” Poor communicators tend to fall into this habit and it cuts off the conversation. A successful work conversation involves listening intently and carefully—a big part of being a great conversationalist is being an exceptional listener.

Leadership as a Conversation

As Ken Blanchard and Scott Blanchard explain, “Leadership is an influence process. Progressive managers build strong relationships with their people through the quality and frequency of their conversations.”

Are your conversations with your direct reports as useful as they could be? Or are bad habits keeping you from being the communicator you want to be? Take a second look at your intentionality, focus, and listening skills. With a little work in these three areas, you’ll make great strides toward becoming an excellent communicator and leader.

So what’s going on? Well, leaders can sometimes be unaware of what they should and should not be doing. And this lack of awareness separates good leaders from great leaders. Great leaders know that leading is a never-ending journey that can be filled with treacherous obstacles.

So what do you need to know to become a great leader?
 

1. People are unpredictable

Your direct report may not necessarily react the same way each and every time to you. And you yourself may also change from day to day. So always using the same style of leadership may not always yield the best results. Instead, great leaders tailor their approach to each task, situation, and individual to effectively meet the direct report’s needs. So find out how your direct report is doing and what’s going on in his/her life, and then use that knowledge to better inform how you lead him/her.

2. It takes skill

It’s easy to fall into a routine. That’s why we have habits. But as people are unpredictable, you must also be flexible in your style of leadership to be able to match in each unique situation. The best way to do this is to have a learning-oriented mindset, by being on the lookout for new approaches, practicing other styles of leadership to be more flexible, and keeping up-to-date on what’s going on with your direct reports, your organization, and beyond. A great leader will always say, “I have so much left to learn in being a leader!”
 

3. It takes time

Don’t be discouraged if you aren’t able to immediately improve your effectiveness as a leader. Remember, it’s a life-long journey. As with anything, leadership takes time and patience to perfect. And this means you should constantly be trying to improve and grow as an individual. There’s no finish line, but instead a continuous evolution of who you are as a leader, being able to serve your direct reports more and more effectively with each passing day.
 
Image Credit: 1 | 2 | 3

We have been building on the idea I have always used as a coach, which is that an interaction is either useful or it’s not.

A useful conversation leaves you clear and ready to take action. A conversation that is not useful leaves you muddled and feeling a little paralyzed. A useful dialogue results in your feeling confident and good about yourself. A dialogue that is not useful leaves you with a lingering sense of self doubt.

As a coach, I strive to engage in useful conversations where my clients can say “yes” to three questions.

1. Did I feel heard and understood—does my coach really understand who I am and what I am up to?
2. Did I learn something—either from the coach or from my own thought process?
3. Did I leave the coaching session feeling ready, willing, and able to take the action I committed to?

As a manager, you may want to use this same measure for the conversations you have with your direct reports. How can you be a better listener? How can you promote more self-discovery? How can you provide the direction and support that sets people up to take self-directed action?

Could your conversations be more useful? Challenge your people, hold them to high standards—but never in a way that makes them feel undermined. Try the coach approach.

About the Author

Madeleine Blanchard is the co-founder of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

• Some feel unprepared for ad hoc phone calls, and prefer to feel in control. Emails help them document a conversation.
• Some are apprehensive about dealing with emotions on a phone call, and they don’t know how to end a phone call conversation.
• Interrupts their flow.
• They can hide behind emails and texts.
• Phone calls can take too long, and people feel emails are quicker.
• Different time zones making it hard to communicate at certain times.

Why Talking on the Phone is Important

• You get a response there and then. If you have an urgent issue that needs to be addressed talking about it will give you a quicker response.
• Talking helps build relationships. Yes a perk of email is that you don’t deal with emotions, but we are human, emotions are part of our DNA.
• It prevents conflict. Ever sent an email which didn’t get the response you were looking for? You should have phoned the person instead.

Just a few Facts for you!
Text Messaging: Results by ofcom report that text messaging is the most popular form of mobile communication. People send an average of 200 texts per month. Take a look at your phone contract, and tally the amount of minutes you used versus the amount of text messages you sent.

Emails:  By the end of 2017 it is estimated that there will be over 4.9 billion email accounts. There are over 132 billion emails sent per day worldwide.

There is so much debate about what mode of communication is best. The truth is they are all good in the right situation; normally a mixture of communication methods is best. When you go to send your next text message or email, think would it be quicker and more beneficial for both parties to pick up the phone and talk?
It might be time you lay your assumed constraints of talking to someone to bed!
Sarah-Jane is the EMEA Channel Solutions Consultant. 
Statistics Taken from Radicati Research 2013.

The article describes the results of a Gallup study showing that employees want communication, a trusting relationship, and clear measurement standards from their immediate supervisor.

I messaged some of my friends to learn why they posted the article. They all replied that the findings matched their own experience and they wanted to share. In fact, each of them told me about how a negative experience in one of these areas had resulted in their search for a new place to work.

That’s pretty sad.

The findings identified in the Gallup study are consistent with those uncovered through research by The Ken Blanchard Companies on the subject of Employee Work Passion. We frame these elements as Connectedness with Leader, Feedback, and Performance Expectations. Blanchard research shows that when there are significant gaps between what employees expect and what they actually experience at work in these areas (as well as nine others), their intentions to stay with the organization, perform at a high level, apply extra discretionary effort, be a good organizational citizen, or endorse the company to others are lowered.

That’s even sadder!

Here’s the good news. Leaders can help create the type of environment people are looking for at work. One strategy we recommend for all leaders is to increase the frequency and quality of their conversations with their direct reports.

A good way to start is by scheduling a special type of one-on-one meeting in addition to performance review meetings.  In this meeting, the direct report is responsible for setting the agenda and capturing the required action steps. The manager’s job is to simply show up and listen.

This kind of meeting helps in many ways. The leader shows an interest and commitment to the employee’s success by listening to what is working well and providing feedback in areas where the employee needs help. And by taking the time to clarify performance expectations, the leader demonstrates to the employee that not only is their work important, it also plays a valuable role in achieving overall organization objectives.

What can you do to create connection, provide better feedback, and set clearer performance expectations with your people? As my Facebook friends point out, we all could benefit from better communication with our leaders.

For more ideas, be sure to read the Blanchard white papers, Ten Performance Management Process Gaps, Are Employees’ Needs Being Met by One-on-Ones?, and Employee Work Passion: Connecting the Dots. They are all available, free of charge, from the Blanchard research archives.

About the Author

Mary Ellen Sailer, Ed.D., is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team. Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

I worked with a client who was unsuccessful in communicating with upper management during the course of several meetings. His intention was to inform some high level managers about the positive and negative results of a recent project—information he believed the managers could use to benefit future projects.

My client staged a detailed slide presentation but was frustrated due to the managers’ lack of attention, which resulted in the topic being derailed. My client felt the managers not only didn’t see the information as important but also didn’t really hear his message. His style of communication was not effective.

Here is what I suggested as a starting point.

1. Know your audience. Think about the other person’s perspective. To help people be more receptive to his message, my client needed to adjust his communication style to be less academic and more conversational. He also learned to start with the main points of the information he wanted to share, provide additional details when asked, and speak from a strategic perspective.

2. Practice active listening. Active listening promotes a two-way conversation by asking questions and focusing on the needs of the other person. By doing this, my client could understand what was truly important to upper management regarding his project. He responded in a way that aligned with the focus of the managers and was able to change his perspective from a one-sided advising style to a two-way engaging style.

3. Have a clear purpose. What is your desired outcome for yourself and for the other person? Be clear about your objective. My client’s desired result for the discussion was to communicate to the managers exactly what he needed to be able to move forward with the project.

Effective communication leads to strong relationships, clear expectations, trust, problem solving, and knowledge. Use these three steps to enhance your communication today!

About the Author

Terry Watkins is a Coaching Solutions Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Coaching Services team.  Since 2000, Blanchard’s 130 coaches have worked with over 14,500 individuals in more than 250 companies throughout the world. Learn more at Blanchard Coaching Services. And check out Coaching Tuesday every week at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

Looking past the viral-oriented nature of this video, the main concept presented is critical for leadership. Thoughts, when attached to emotions other than sadness, generally have higher “infection” rates.

Thus, it is important to generate more emotion (hopefully positive and not anger-inducing) around messages that you want your direct reports to remember or share. It seems idea is lost at times in the data-driven world of today, where it’s more important to get across the numbers and metrics than it is to tell a story.
So communicate with feeling and generate positive emotions in your direct reports. Make the topic relevant to them. They will be more receptive to your messages and will remember them better. Let’s infect the world with the good germs to promote healthy thoughts.

Just don’t anger them… or you may end up on the wrong side of a thought germ!

Reasons for bold conversations can vary widely. You’re in a relationship that is getting in the way of your success. You want to position yourself for a promotion or a raise. You and your manager have a difference of opinion about the strategic direction of the company. You get the idea.

Do you have a bold conversation in your future? Here are three steps we recommend to increase your chances of success.

• Prepare. Make sure you’ve done your homework. Do you have all of the information you need? Have you identified and considered the style of the person you will be talking to? Is the person results oriented or people oriented? What questions and concerns might the other person have? What points must be covered? What outcomes are possible and desired?
• Practice. Enlist a coach or a trusted friend so that you can actually speak what needs to be shared, and get their feedback. Pay particular attention to the opening of the conversation. Often a coach or friend doesn’t need to say anything because the executive will notice on their own what worked and what didn’t sound right. Practice builds confidence going into the conversation.
• Deliver with Passion. This is where the work of preparing and practicing comes to fruition. Enter the conversation with intention and know that you are putting your best foot forward.

Practice Leads to a Positive Outcome

Having a “bold conversation” is not something leaders do on the fly—it’s something they prepare for, practice, and deliver with passion. These three steps can be learned. The outcome of a bold conversation can’t be guaranteed, but with careful preparation you can be confident you have the highest possibility for a positive outcome. Go for it!

About the Author

Joni Wickline is Vice President, Professional Services with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read Wickline’s posts as a part of Coaching Tuesday here at Blanchard LeaderChat for ideas, research, and inspirations from the world of executive coaching.

• It doesn’t matter who made the sale, the client is your customer and you must help them – When Mark asked me who sold me the clubs, he said ‘he isn’t in today, but I can help you’. So often in sales roles we are concerned with ‘MY’ client rather than ‘OUR’. We look out for self interest rather than the company’s interest. It is vital that an organization creates a team culture, rather than an ‘I’ culture.

• You need to know what you are talking about – When Dan was swinging the golf clubs into the net, Mark was making notes. He could tell instantly what Dan needed, however he still followed the process of checking each detail to make sure that they altered the golf clubs just right. (If you are interested in the fitting process please see the below YouTube clip) 78% of customer satisfaction comes from a competent service rep.

• The manager needs to train you up and let you go –  I asked Mark how he had learned what he had. He mentioned that when he first started, his manager told him all he needed to know (direction). The manager then asked him to fit him with the right golf clubs following the process and equipment they had. He also mentioned that the manager encourages them to play golf and to always be on the lookout for opportunities of watching friends using their clubs.

When I was in American Golf the manager didn’t get involved once. He let his employee who obviously knew what he was talking about get on with it. This showed to me as the customer, that the manager trusted Mark to do a good job, and he did.
Why am I telling this story?
Customer service isn’t rocket science, yet it can create huge financial benefits to your company. 7 out of 10 people say they would spend more with companies who offered excellent customer service.
American Golf created a culture where employees feel empowered and trusted to do a good job. It also showed me there is a strong link between leadership and customer service. Without the right environment, Mark wouldn’t have been able to offer the great customer service that he did. The outcome of this great customer service is that I will always shop at American Golf and I will strongly recommend them.

All statistics are taken from helpscout . The American Golf store is in Guildford, UK.

• “An idea or theory that is not proven but that leads to further study or discussion”
• “An assumption or concession made for the sake of argument”
• “A tentative assumption made in order to draw out and test the logical or empirical consequences”

Notice that a commonality across these definitions is the element of making an assertion for the purpose of verifying or validating it. A hypothesis is ground for further action; it is an antecedent and not an end result. Miscommunication is often attributable to misinterpretation, but we can avoid this fundamental error by noticing our assumptions and investigating them with a sense of openness and curiosity. The challenge in any interaction—whether your role is a coach, manager, advisor, teacher, peer, or friend—is to become truly curious about the other person’s experience so that testing our assumptions is an act of gaining clarity about that individual’s experience from their perspective rather than from our own.

Contrary to common belief, hypothesis testing is not a function of proving our theory, but rather it is a function of trying to uncover whatever truth exists. Yes, in scientific pursuits, we hope to furnish evidence in support of our hypothesis, but this is not the case in pursuits of human relations. True communication and connection with others requires humility and acceptance of the fact that our assertions and conclusions may be incorrect. If we are always hypothesizing then we must also be ever curious and open to alternatives, asking, “What else might explain this? What might I not be aware of?”
Thich Nhat Hanh (pronounced Tick-Naught-Han), is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk, author, teacher, Zen Master, and Nobel Peace Prize nominee for his activism and advocacy of nonviolent solutions to conflict. You do not need to endorse Buddhist philosophy in order to appreciate Thich Nhat Hanh’s approachable writing style and germane messaging. In one of his seminal books, Being Peace, Thich Nhat Hanh uses the quote above to explain what is needed in order to achieve true understanding in communication. If we only seek to validate our own preconceived notions without acknowledging that our way of thinking might be flawed, then we will not be able to truly understand whatever we are facing.

Each interaction, each conversation, each moment of life is associated with some image in our minds. We create a story about that image, and Ansel Adams reminds us that we are not the only ones looking at our pictures. Others are involved in those interactions, conversations, and moments.  Two photographers can stand aside one another taking in the same landscape, but the images they see and capture through their lenses will be different depending on what and where they choose to focus. Two viewers may look upon the same photograph and see or describe it in very different ways depending upon their interpretation and the meaning they assign to what they see. It’s all about how you make sense of what you observe.

In the art of communication, the skilled performer is ever conscious that the image seen may not reflect the one captured, and the story created by the viewer may not match the one being projected by the sender. If you truly seek to understand another person’s point of view, you must be willing to see the world through their lens. Like photography and all fine arts, perspective-taking is a skill which is developed over time through diligent practice, keen observation, acute trial and error, and endless wonder about the natural world. You are always creating images and painting pictures from your own pallet of interpretation. How might someone else see it differently? What would it be like to view the world through another lens? What is the potential benefit and beauty of considering another point of view? What else might be present? What else could sharpen your image? What are you not seeing? In what other ways could this situation being conceptualized or understood?
Remember that you are always hypothesizing, so ask yourself, “what am I not yet aware of?”

About the Author: Sarah is a Professional Services Intern at The Ken Blanchard Companies. She is pursuing a Ph.D. in Consulting Psychology, and her research is based on mindfulness. Contact: sarah.maxwell@kenblanchard.com.
Image Credit: 1, 2, 3, 4

When Ken arrived, he was briefed on the situation and the inability to determine a cause.  After reviewing the data, Ken thought about it a minute and then suggested that a good next step would be to talk to front line employees to see if they could shed some light on the situation.

“Why do you want to talk to them?  What would they know that we don’t?” was the general reaction of the senior leadership.

But Ken persisted. He conducted a number of interviews and found out that people thought that the plant was a good place to work and that wages were competitive as management had shared.  However, he also quickly found out that the air conditioning in the plant didn’t work very well.  As one worker told him, “It’s hotter than heck down there—and after a while you just can’t take it anymore.  That’s why people leave.”

Ken reported the information back to the senior leaders who were surprised. They hadn’t thought to ask the people closest to the situation. They quickly improved the air conditioning system and saw the retention rate return to normal levels.

And even though Ken’s mom exclaimed, “And you get paid for this?” when he first shared the story, the problem is more common than it might seem at first.

Here are three questions to ask about your own organization:

1. Are their opportunities for improvement in your organization that are well-known to frontline workers but may not be known to senior leaders?
2. What aspects of your company’s culture might keep people from sharing what they know?
3. How can you, as a leader, make it easier for people to share information with you?

It is easy for senior leaders to become isolated and removed from the day-to-day activities happening within their organizations. Talk to your people. Ask questions. You might be surprised by what you learn.

But leaders still play a vital role. The next advance needed in today’s organizations is to develop motivation into a strategic leadership capacity. When leaders treat employee motivation as a strategic issue, they create a distinctive advantage that is not easily matched by competitors. This strategic approach results in higher quality individual performance on everyday goals and projects, more “out of the box” thinking, faster innovation, greater acceptance of change, and greater “idea velocity.” Sustaining high quality motivation as a strategic capability also creates a magnet for talent.

Where to start?

The path to competitive advantage is paved with autonomy, relatedness, and competence. Focus on honoring employees’ legitimate needs for a sense of freedom in their work, their natural desire for warm relationships that are free of manipulation, and the natural striving for ongoing competence and growth.

One powerful place to start is with what you write and say to employees.  Here are three simple upgrades that you can make to your communication style to build more autonomy, relatedness, and competence in your interactions:

1. Offer as many options as possible when making requests for action, and make them true options. Employees need to feel a sense of freedom and control over their work. Try to avoid false options that really pressure them toward the single outcome you think is best.
2. Highlight the extraordinary learning that everyone is doing, particularly when times are tough. People are less afraid of difficult challenges when they realize they are successfully learning their way through them.
3. Balance focus on final results with focus on team, community, and collective effort. Be sure not to bang the table for results without expressing your gratitude for individual and team effort along the way.

Distinctive motivational capacity across the entire organization, in all functional areas, and among every level of executive, can be built by more carefully cultivating the work environment. Optimal motivation is fostered when you upgrade the quality of the language used in everyday meetings, in email, and even in how senior leaders speak to the financial markets. Such improvements tell employees what matters most—and whether employee well-being is really a central management focus.

The more you show that you genuinely care about your people as human beings, and are thankful for all they strive to achieve every day, the more likely you are to set your organization apart from the rest.

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.

A very accomplished friend and colleague of mine presented for our table group and when she sat down the first thing she did was ask us, “How’d I do? Was that okay? Did it make sense? I didn’t make a fool of myself, did I?” (Okay, she actually said, “I didn’t look stupid, did I?)

Well of course she did just fine, it was better than okay, it made sense and, no, she didn’t make a fool of herself. Nor did she look stupid. We all chuckled and didn’t think much of it. But apparently, it was a bit more serious to her.

During the break, which followed shortly after her presentation, she told me she’d seen a snippet of the commencement speech Oprah Winfrey made at Harvard this year (May 30, 2013). Oprah talked about one thing her interviewees had in common: one of the first questions they asked when the interview was over was a version of “How did I do? Was that okay?” Interestingly, this question cut across all categories represented by her interviewees—Heads of State, business moguls, entertainers, criminals, and victims alike. They all wanted to know: “How did I do? Was that okay?”

I was so intrigued, I went online and read the entire speech. Oprah said the common denominator she found in every interview is that people want to be validated. People want to be understood, “I have done over 35,000 interviews…and as soon as the camera shuts off everyone always turns to me and they all want to know: Was that okay? Did you hear me? Do you see me? Did what I say mean anything to you?”

Think about these questions being in the minds of people you encounter—people in your community, in your workplace, and at home. In some ways the nature of the relationship doesn’t matter and in other ways the more intimate that relationship, the more important the answers to these questions become.

Was that okay? / Do you see me? / Did what I say [or do] mean anything to you?

The world is full of messages that tell us we’re not okay. All the devices we use to stay connected disconnect us in so many ways. Take the opportunity to let someone know that they’re better than okay; you know they’re there; and yes, what they say and do does mean something to you.

Never underestimate the power of validation.

About the author:

Ann Phillips is a Senior Consulting Partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies where she specializes in consulting and keynoting on customer loyalty, employee engagement, leadership, organizational change, and team building.

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Here’s a question I have asked in numerous workshops over the past few months: How many of you have had formal training in listening?

It never fails to stun me when only about 10 percent of the attendees raise their hands. Listening is such a critical skill—and yet so few have been trained in how to do it. Here is a short course.

What does it mean to really listen?

Dictionary.com defines the word listen as follows:

lis·ten [lis–uhn] verb

1.  To give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing

2.  To pay attention; heed

Yes, it means to hear; but it also means to pay attention—with our ears, our eyes, and our hearts.

Listen to more than the words

True listeners look beyond the words themselves—they search for meaning in the speaker’s tone and body language. This is especially important when the communication has an emotional component.

A study done by Dr. Albert Mehrabian at UCLA looked at the degrees to which emotional messages are sent through words, tone, and body language. Regarding the true meaning of an emotional message, Dr. Mehrabian found:

• 7 percent of meaning is in the words that are spoken
• 38 percent of meaning is in the tone of voice—the way the words are said
• 55 percent of meaning is in facial expression

If what we are hearing is different from what we are sensing from the tone or the facial expression, guess which one is correct! 

Show You Are Listening

Part of really listening is responding in a way that shows the other person we are paying attention. We can demonstrate we are truly listening in four different ways. For example, if a coworker comes to you and complains about their micromanaging boss, you could show you are listening by:

• Reflecting back the content

Example: As you see it, your boss is micromanaging you…

• Reflecting back the feeling

Example: So you feel frustrated because…

• Reflecting both content and feeling

Example: You feel frustrated because your boss is micromanaging you…

• Being silent and attentive

A helpful phrase to show you are listening might be:

So you feel ___________________ because ______________________.

Other helpful phrases might include:

• You seem…
• You sound…
• What I’m hearing is…
• As you see it…
• Tell me more…
• Is there anything else…

Not only is listening to others a key life skill, it can also have a tremendous impact on building trust in a relationship. When we take the time to listen, we show the other person that we care—that we are interested in understanding their perspective. That can go a long way toward building, or rebuilding, a relationship.

“The purpose of life is to listen – to yourself, to your neighbor, to your world and to God and, when the time comes, to respond in as helpful a way as you can find …  from within and without.”          ~ Fred Rogers

“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.”               ~ Wilson Mizner

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.

Back to the pain in my foot – the PA walks into the exam room, takes a look at my foot and says, “What happened? This looks like edema.” I told her I was walking and something happened in my foot – something broke, snapped, pinched, and it really hurts; I can’t walk on it.

“Well, you’ve got some edema going on,” she replied. “Which could be because when you turned your foot it aggravated something.”

“But I didn’t turn my foot. I just took a normal step and something happened,” I explained. “I felt it, and then the pain.”

She sent me next door for an X-ray and gave me a prescription for pain.   Back to the doctor’s office – the X-ray didn’t show a break. The PA calls in my doctor to have a look.

“Yes, looks like edema, could be something vascular going on, I’m going to recommend a vascular specialist.”

“But doctor,” I tried to explain. “Something happened in my foot when I was walking, something snapped, broke, pinched – I felt it.”

“The X-ray doesn’t show a break; let’s get you to the vascular surgeon,” she concluded.

At this point I had been walking/limping on this foot for about 8 days. I couldn’t do it any longer. I arrive at the vascular surgeon’s office and prop my foot up on a chair.  The surgeon walks in looking at my chart – not my foot – and says, “Why are you here Barbara?”

Once again I tell her what happened to my foot and that my doctor and her Physician’s Assistant don’t seem to think so. She said, “You’re right, something did happen in your foot. There is an excellent podiatrist across the street.  I’m going to call him right now and send you over. I’m sorry you have been so misdirected.”

A quick X-ray, taken while I was standing up (which is how it should have been ordered the first time), showed a stress fracture. It took less than 12 minutes from start to finish having the diagnosis and the black boot strapped on. Then the pain was gone.

Lessons learned

Being a very loyal consumer, it is hard for me to make a change, especially when I think there is a strong connection. But I did make a change to a new doctor.

What could these health care professionals have done differently to keep me loyal?

• Listen to me. Hear what I’m telling you. (Something happened in my foot when I took a step.)
• Acknowledge what I’ve told you. Respond as if I know what I’m talking about. (I can’t walk on my foot, and it’s swollen.)
• Care about me. Let me walk out feeling like I came to the right place and got the right answer.
• Take some action to relieve the problem.
• Follow up.  

These simple things can apply to anyone serving others in any industry. Are you leading a team of people who serve others? Are they creating loyalty?  Listening. Acknowledging, Caring, Taking Action, and Following-up are a great way to begin evaluating and building a process that keeps people coming back.

About the author:

Barbara Notre is Director of Corporate Communications and Initiatives for The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read Barbara’s posts as a part of our customer service series which appears twice a month here on LeaderChat.

In an extreme case, maybe they actually punished you for offering an opinion that they didn’t want to hear. In fact, at some point in the “conversation” you actually wished you could close that open door, because with it open, the whole world could overhear the public flogging you were receiving for voicing your honest opinion.

Ever been there?

For starters, decide that you are not going to behave that way. Decide that you are not going to be the kind of leader whose door may be open, but that’s the only thing that is.

People are understandably uncomfortable dealing with opinions different from their own. It is an unusual person who looks forward to hearing what they didn’t want to listen to in the first place. And we all learn that it just isn’t worth the risk of being candid with others, particularly if they’re more powerful than we are. In short, political behavior trumps productivity improvement.

So what can you do to address this? Here are three recommendations:

1. It’s about opening your mind, not your door. Force yourself to listen to what people are telling you. As they’re talking, keep telling yourself that there is at least something correct in what they’re saying. Listen for it. Unfortunately, many of us do the opposite: we listen for the weak link in the logic chain of what people are saying. It’s fun, isn’t it, to suggest an improvement to someone else’s viewpoint or plan. It makes us feel good about our contribution, our value added, our incredible wisdom, insight, and—now that you mention it—genius. But are we reducing the personal commitment level of the person we’re talking to? And is a 5 percent improvement of the strategy worth a 20 percent reduction of the activation energy it will take to get the idea off the ground?

2. Your door may be open, but you don’t have to know everything about what’s going on.  The only thing worse than not having an open door policy at all is having one, and there are people standing in your threshold all the time. Make it clear that you want people to take responsibility for doing the right thing, not sharing it with you. Decisions should be made at the lowest operational level, by people who are closest to the action. You’re not protected by a policy that was made by someone who isn’t involved in what’s happening right now. If you are executing on something that you think is bad, even though the order came down from the top of the organization, you are abdicating your moral responsibility. Napoleon said such a leader should be seen as a criminal.

3. Tell people you really do want their best. A strategic use of the open door can be quite helpful. But you want spontaneity and candor. You want it with the bark on. Political correctness is of course appropriate, but it should be used sparingly. The focus here is getting the job done, to specification and on time.

Open doors should prompt people to collaborate appropriately, not abdicate their responsibility. These should be occasional opportunities to give and receive feedback and suggestions. Properly used, they can expedite progress. But improperly used they can be more trouble than they’re worth. As Drucker said, more or less, “So much of what we call leadership consists of making it harder for people to do their work.”

About the author

Dr. Dick Ruhe is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, and senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read his posts here on LeaderChat the fourth Saturday of each month.

The question they were asking was, “How do we keep our people motivated?”  I asked why they think they have an employee motivation problem.  They explained that while same-store and company-wide performance has been terrific, it is slowing, and some employees are becoming less enthusiastic.   Those employees are becoming more frustrated when they do not delight a customer and earn a sale.

“What do you currently do when an employee gets upset that they did not fully satisfy a customer?” I asked.  One regional sales manager explained that they talk with the employee about things the employee could have been done better.  After all, I was told, “the employees need to be accountable for the results.”

The most important detail here is that the employee in that example works in a successful store, and is already disappointed to have not delighted a customer.  The sales associates—often in their late teens and early twenties, and highly skilled—take great personal pride in delighting customers.  The managers said they work hard to make the in-store experience fun for their child customers and their parents.  So, the motivational question here is: What are the best ways to help a salesperson (or any employee) who is already eager to delight a customer do it better in the future after they fail to meet a high standard held by both their organization and themselves?

First, let me say that the accountability approach is the last appeal you want to make.  No matter how skillfully we parse it, and no matter how sweetly we explain the situation, the accountability discussion is a thinly veiled form of control.  It says very clearly: You are responsible for this and I need you to really get that. Do you understand?  I have met very few employees who walk away from accountability discussions feeling good about themselves, their managers, and the company.  Instead, try using a less controlling, autonomy-supportive approach.

Here are some methods you might consider.  Research shows these approaches are much more likely to stimulate positive motivational responses than emphasizing accountability.

1. Take the employee’s perspective.  Listen carefully to the employee’s experience so you understand it deeply.  In this case, recognize that the employee is already disappointed and desires to do a great job.
2. Encourage initiative and choice.  Help the employee discover several new options for future action.  Be careful not to tell them everything they need to do.  Encouraging initiative means listening and guiding first and foremost, not pushing your formula.
3. Help the employee take on more challenge—but not too much.  One or two more challenging steps at a time will generally work well.
4. Provide a logical rationale for any direct requests you have.  They need to make their new actions their own.  The more you push the less likely they will experience optimal motivation. 
5. Minimize use of pressuring language and controlling tone of voice.  Dialing down fear, concern, and pressure is vital to tapping into the employee’s natural desire to improve, grow, and perform at high levels.

All of the above approaches have been shown to result in positive behavioral responses because they help people feel validated, safe, and free from unnecessary controls.  They are like honey to accountability’s vinegar.  After all, which would you prefer?  Honey or vinegar?

About the author:

The Motivation Guy  (also known as Dr. David Facer)  is one of the principal authors—together with Susan Fowler and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.

You demonstrate you are fully present by the use of attending behaviors. One of the simplest ways to learn these attending behaviors is to observe others who model these behaviors. Think of someone in your life who makes you feel as if they are fully present during conversations. What do they do? Please share in your comments.

The movie Dead Poets Society contains a critical scene in which Robin Williams’ character, Mr. John Keating, gets a visit from Neil, a young man in his English class who comes to him with a problem. I encourage you to rent this movie and watch how in this scene Mr. Keating beautifully models the following attending behaviors:

• As Neil comes into his office, Mr. Keating stops what he’s doing and gets up from his chair.
• He makes his guest comfortable by getting him a cup of tea.
• There is an appropriate distance to show interest—but not too much interest. Personal distance is cultural, but you can tell if a person is uncomfortable.
• He squares up. By facing the person directly, you show your focus is on them.
• Mr. Keating gets the conversation started but then stops and listens.
• He makes good eye contact throughout the conversation.
• He lets his emotions show without calling attention to himself when he observes the young man’s pain.
• During pauses, he remains focused while waiting for Neil to continue. Note that Mr. Keating doesn’t look like he’s thinking about what he should say next.
• He leans in. Leaning back can appear defensive, evaluative, or disinterested.
• While you can’t see it in the frame, you can tell from Mr. Keating’s posture that his arms and legs are uncrossed. This is a universally recognizable sign of openness.
• When there is a good opportunity to say something, he asks a question rather than immediately handing out advice.
• He keeps his comments short and to the point.
• Mr. Keating keeps his voice down—not monotonous, but without dramatic fluctuations in tone or pitch. A voice that is higher pitched than one’s normal voice denotes tension. A lower tone is calmer. Calm is good. In fact, he becomes even quieter when things get emotional, but he never loses focus.
• He waits for the answer. Note that he doesn’t make a point until the answer comes back empty.

Demonstrating that you are fully present is critical to challenging conversations. Not only does it show that you are interested and that you care, it also provides you with a wealth of information from the other person’s nonverbal behaviors—body language, facial expressions, and tone. It involves engaging both your eyes and your heart in the conversation.

About the author

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  This is the third in a series of articles on Challenging Conversations.  For more on this subject, be sure to read John’s first two posts, Preparing for a Challenging Conversation  and  6 Ways to Get Rid of Emotional Baggage BEFORE a Challenging Conversation.

The more that virtual teams become our normal way of working, the more we realize how difficult it is to build the positive relationships so critical for team success.   A face-to-face meeting for team building is best, yet most teams can’t afford that luxury.

So how do you build team spirit when you can’t have a retreat or even just meet for coffee at the end of the day?   The key is tapping into the creativity and lighthearted nature buried within our business minds.   Here are three enjoyable activities to build relationships and team spirit.

How do you celebrate?

• If you search world holidays on the web you’ll find that almost every day is a holiday somewhere in the world. Holidays are culturally important, and how we celebrate reveals a lot about us as individuals.
• Ask one or two team members to share a few photographs and chat for five minutes in your next team meeting about how they celebrated their latest holiday.  What foods did they eat, what were the activities, what was being celebrated?

Guess the desk. 

• Ask team members to send in a photograph of their office (or home office) desk.  Show the photo and discuss what the desk reveals about its owner.
  • Does a bowl of fruit mean the person is health conscious?
  • Are there family photos?
  • How many technological gadgets are on the desk?
• After the discussion, ask team members to guess the desk owner’s name.   The owner then gets an opportunity to reveal him/herself and to clarify or explain anything noticed by the team.   

The most unusual thing …

• Use this as a conversation starter for the team.  When you send out the meeting agenda ask them to be prepared to answer a question. For example:
  • The most unusual thing I ever ate …
  • The most unusual place I ever visited …
  • The most unusual event I witnessed …

When building a virtual team, encourage that fun-loving side of you to emerge. Relaxed creativity can provide just the lift needed to build the positive relationships and esprit de corps that are the keys to successful virtual teams.

About the author

Carmela Sperlazza Southers is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. Her posts on increasing organizational, team, and leader effectiveness in the virtual work world appear on the fourth Monday of every month.

Here are a few creative ways to get the emotions out. Any number of these may work for you—so pick one you like, or try them all.  (Preparation is also important—if you could use some help in that area, see my earlier post on Preparing for A Challenging Conversation.)

Fast Writing

This is a 30-minute “brain dump” in which you simply write down anything and everything that comes to you. This stream-of-consciousness style keeps you from making a real discourse out of your thoughts, and frees you to just “get the emotions out,” regardless of how incoherent they may be. Most authors suggest doing this writing longhand as opposed to on a keyboard. The purpose is to clear your mind.

Write whatever your head says and don’t edit yourself. If you go blank, write dots on the page until something comes into your head, and then write whatever shows up. Keep writing. Then, when you’re done, throw it away. Physically destroy the paper. Sometimes the more physical action feels more “real.” Burn the paper, if it helps.

The process is the important thing, not the product. The point is to do something that gives you enough relief that you can have the conversation without the distraction of strong emotions that you haven’t addressed yet.

Email to No One

This is similar to fast writing in that you won’t be keeping it, but here you are writing the email intentionally and specifically—as if you were saying all the hard things you need to say to this person or telling your best friend how you feel. Having those thoughts and feelings out where you can look at them helps dissipate the emotional impact of them. It may also clarify any still-foggy areas.

IMPORTANT: Make sure you don’t put anyone’s address in the “To:” box!

The good thing about email is that if you don’t save it, and you don’t send it, it goes nowhere. Once you’re done writing and you feel some relief, delete the email permanently. Then when you have the actual conversation, you can set these feelings aside, knowing you’ve already gotten them out and dealt with them.

Journaling

When you can take the time to write down your thoughts on paper, sometimes they become clearer. Even a little bit of this can be useful. The difference between journaling and fast writing is that the journal is intended for future review. You may find it useful to reflect later on what you were thinking before the conversation and how things changed afterwards.

Your journal entry doesn’t have to be shared with anyone. This can be especially helpful for more introverted people who really aren’t comfortable letting others in on their personal thoughts and feelings.

Talking to a Trusted Friend

All of us get by with a little help from our friends. This is one of those things a good friend can do for you. Make sure the friend isn’t entangled in the issue you need to talk about—just someone you trust to help you get your emotions out without judgment. What you need is a chance to work things out verbally. If you want advice, that’s fine, but if it’s not useful at this point, let your friend know what you need before you start.

A Picture Paints a Thousand Words

Even if you believe you have no artistic talent, making a picture of what you’re feeling can go beyond trying to talk about it. You may just be scribbling, but you can express your feelings deeply by scratching out lines or painting colors on a receptive surface. If it feels dark, make it dark. If it feels sharp and angular, make it sharp and angular. You can make it look angry, hurt, frustrated, afraid, concerned—whatever you’re feeling.

Then, when you’re done, once again, leave your emotion there. Now you can set the art aside, or destroy it—whatever feels best.

Physical Activity

Lots of people feel great emotional relief when they do something physical. A good workout can help clear your head before a difficult conversation. Go for a run or a bike ride, or shoot some hoops. Swimming always helps me clear my head.

I hope these ideas have helped. What other ideas do you have to let go of the emotional baggage prior to having a challenging conversation?

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

But what happens if the environment is altered and obstacles are added? Researchers experimented with just that by lowering a glass barrier into the aquarium separating the pike on one side from food fish on the other. When the pike goes after a nearby minnow, it runs into the invisible divider. And after a while, the pike stops trying.

But this gets even more interesting. The observers next remove the glass, and the pike continues to avoid going after its natural food.  The learned behavior is so strong that some pike have actually died of starvation during the experiment even while minnows continue to brush up against them.

This same type of learned behavior can sometimes be seen at work. It’s a learned helplessness that occurs when you, or someone with influence over you, decides that something can’t be done, or perhaps in the case of business, can’t be done right. In short, the Pike Syndrome is a debilitating situation.

For example, if someone approaches you for feedback on a project or job they’ve been working on, and rather than emphasizing what was done well, you point out what could have been done better. Even if you were right in your critique, almost inevitably there are potential negative consequences.

Or, possibly you are the type of manager who tells people, “If you’re doing your job, you’ll never see me.” When that’s the case, good work goes unrecognized and it is only shortcomings that draw a response from the supervisor.

When good performers experience that type of environment, they learn to avoid their leader’s dissatisfaction rather than risking new behavior that might lead to better results. In the longer term, it may be difficult for them to unlearn that.

So avoid being part of the problem. Give your people their best chance to succeed by removing barriers to performance.  Next, acknowledge them when they are making progress. One more thing … it’s critical to get your own behavior in line, before you can help others to do the same.

About the author

Dr. Dick Ruhe is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, and senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. You can read his posts here on LeaderChat the fourth Saturday of each month.

Most challenging conversations are more effective when we take the time to prepare for them. I’d like to suggest five things you can do to be better prepared to guide your next challenging conversation to a successful outcome.

Gather the relevant information.

First of all, collect the relevant information pertaining to the topic of the conversation—the who, what, and why. Ask yourself:

• Who do I need to talk to?
• What is the problem?
• Why might this problem be occurring?

Envision the desired outcome.

Imagine the best possible outcome. If the conversation goes well, what will be the result? Be specific as you visualize this. Being keenly aware of your intentions will make preparation easier—and keeping those intentions in mind will guide the conversation in the direction you want it to go.

Anticipate the other person’s reactions and your response.

Think about ways the other person might react to the conversation to guard against the possibility of being blindsided by their words or actions. If you have considered their probable reactions and determined how you will best respond , you will be ahead of the game. Remember, though, that you can’t predict every reaction—even from someone you know well.

Pay attention to logistical issues.

The environment surrounding a difficult conversation can affect its outcome. A bit of forethought and preparation can have a significant positive impact. Here are some best practices for handling the logistics of the conversation.

• Schedule more than enough time – 30 minutes more than you expect.
• Hold the conversation in a private, safe, neutral location if possible.
• Make sure you will not be interrupted.
• Turn all phones and devices off.
• Have tissue available if tears are a possibility.
• Have a glass or bottle of water handy.
• If the conversation is with a direct report, be prepared to give the person the rest of the day off if needed—and do not have the conversation at the end of the day on Friday.

Decide if the conversation is worth having.

Note that I put the decision about actually having the conversation last.  Sometimes you find that the conversation itself is not as important as the deliberations you went through to prepare for it. What you really needed was to sort out your own thoughts and feelings. After all of your preparation, if you determine that you don’t need to have the conversation, you will lose nothing by changing your mind.

What other ideas do you have for preparing for challenging conversations?

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

In a special presentation on The Leader’s Guide to the Executive Brain Homan-Blanchard will be sharing the latest findings from neuroscience research and its impact on leader behavior.

You’ll learn:

• The Six Surprising Truths about Your Brain—find out what your brain needs for optimal functioning, what stresses it, and how to manage situations when you are overwhelmed or exhausted.
• Seven Laws of Extreme Brain Care—how you can arrange your workday to make better decisions and achieve new levels of self-control.
• Creating the Brain-Friendly Environment—the six critical dimensions that must be managed to help you—and your people—fire on all cylinders.

The webinar is free and seats are still available if you would like to join over 800 people expected to participate.

Immediately after the webinar, Madeleine will be answering follow-up questions here at LeaderChat for about 30 minutes.  To participate in the follow-up discussion, use these simple instructions.

Instructions for Participating in the Online Chat

• Click on the LEAVE A COMMENT link above
• Type in your question
• Push SUBMIT COMMENT

It’s as easy as that!  Madeleine will answer as many questions as possible in the order they are received.  Be sure to press F5 to refresh your screen occasionally to see the latest responses.

We hope you can join us later today for this special complimentary event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.  Click here for more information on participating.

For those of us who work at home or remotely, or even in an office, it’s a great time to refocus on what we do—consciously or subconsciously—that looks like work but often isn’t.

Here are three ways that people pretend to work.

Attend meetings

Our egos tell us that it is critical to stay fully informed on any project that has the potential to even slightly impact us. Even though meetings are largely ineffective, attending lots of them keeps you very busy. When you attend lots of meetings your calendar stays full—and yet you accomplish very little. This is perhaps the best way to pretend to work without really working.

Be hyper-responsive on emails and phone calls

Don’t read or think too much about each email, just respond quickly. In fact, responding to emails while passively attending a meeting can ensure that neither activity is truly productive. When you keep your email up all day and respond immediately, you can feel a great sense of “pretend” accomplishment. Since sending emails results in receiving more emails, you can honestly say, “I got 150+ emails today. I am exhausted!” This is probably very true.

Focus on speed and quantity, not quality, of communication

The accepted best practice around emails is this: If the third email hasn’t clarified the issue—pick up the phone. Ignoring this rule means you can have long strings of emails that show activity without really accomplishing work. Make sure you have an email trail that recaps every action taken. This ensures that you can always justify your lack of productivity by pointing to a flaw in someone else’s email.

Have you been caught by any of these strategies? Although I don’t know anyone who deliberately uses these strategies to avoid work, I suspect we have all had extremely busy days when we questioned our productivity and accomplishments.

Just in case you want to be very productive (which you do), here are some tips:

• Carefully choose which meetings, and how much of each meeting, you will attend.
• Focus on the quality of your communication, including reflecting or researching before you respond.
• Let others know your priority to set aside times for focused concentration, professional development, process improvement, and idea generation. Let people know when you will and won’t be available to respond quickly.

Using these strategies will require less energy, less activity, and fewer emails, and therefore will result in higher productivity.

Well, okay … you can still pretend to be tired, even if you‘re not!

About the author

Carmela Sperlazza Southers is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies. Her posts on increasing organizational, team, and leader effectiveness in the virtual work world appear on the fourth Monday of every month.

The world is indeed getting flatter. Like many organizations, at The Ken Blanchard Companies we regularly interact with coworkers and clients around the globe. In my workshops, cross-cultural communication is frequently cited as a significant challenge for leaders who have teams spread throughout the world.

Communication involves an exchange of meaning through sending and receiving of verbal and nonverbal messages, either consciously or unconsciously. For a message to be understood correctly, there needs to be a vast amount of common ground between the sender and receiver. This makes cross-cultural communication difficult, because two culturally different individuals tend to have less in common than two people who are part of the same culture.

Many variable factors get in the way of mutual understanding within cross-cultural communication—differences in language, in communication styles, and in the interpretation of nonverbal behaviors. Within each of these differences are numerous subcategories that add further difficulty.

However, effective cross-cultural communication is possible. I suggest four approaches to increase understanding:

1. Start with the assumption that you may not understand the situation or message and that cultural differences may get in the way.
2. The most accurate way to gather information is to observe and describe what is actually said and done, not to evaluate or interpret words or actions. Evaluation and interpretation are influenced by each person’s own culture and background.
3. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, boots, or sandals. Try to see the situation from the other person’s cultural perspective.
4. Treat your explanation or interpretation as a best guess. Then, when you think you understand, check with the other person to see whether you’re on the right path or whether you need additional clarity.

What other suggestions do you have to increase understanding in cross-cultural communication?

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

Can you determine at least three important take-aways in this story from a plant manager in India who recently learned the skill of conducting Motivational Outlook Conversations?

On his first day back after his training, the plant manager noticed a Technical Service Executive in the lab having a discussion with an external contractor. While she was wearing safety glasses, the contractor was not. The manager has a no tolerance policy as far as safety is concerned and his normal response would be to call the technician to his office and in his words, “read her the riot act.”

According to the manager’s self-assessment: “I am known to blow a fuse (or two) when safety rules are flouted, however, I managed to keep my cool and decided to test my training.”

He asked the technician to his office and could see that she was worried about his reaction. But instead of leading with his dismay and disappointment, he started by explaining that he had just received some training on motivation. He shared key concepts with her. He then asked her if she thought that the rule to wear safety glasses, even when there was no experiment on, was “stupid” as there is no danger to the eyes. Did she feel imposed upon to wear safety glasses as she had no choice?

Since the technician was invited to have a discussion rather than “dressing down,” she was open and candid. She explained that she had a two-year old child and she was extremely concerned about lab safety as she wanted to reach home safe every evening. To the manager’s great surprise, she also shared that in certain areas, she would prefer even more, not less, stringent safety measures. For example, she suggested that safety shoes should be required for lab experiments that are conducted at elevated temperatures.

But when it came to wearing safety glasses when no experiments were being conducted, she just could not understand the rationale and did, indeed, resent the imposed rule. As a result, she didn’t feel compelled to enforce it, especially with an external contractor. The manager said he understood her feelings and went on to provide the rationale that the intention was that wearing glasses would become a force of habit, just like wearing a safety belt in the car.

The manager said he saw the light dawn in her eyes.

When it comes to your leadership and the motivation of those you lead, consider:

1. Self-regulation is a requirement if you want to lead differently—and better. Challenging your natural tendencies and patterns of behavior provides you with more options on how to lead. The new choices you make can be rewarding and productive for you, but especially for those you lead. As the plant manager reported: “I am sure if I had just followed my normal instincts and given her a piece of my mind, I would have been met with a hangdog look, profuse apologies, and a promise not to ever do this again. And it probably would have happened again. She would have gone away from my office with feelings of resentment and being imposed upon and I would also have had a disturbed day due to all the negative energy.”

2. Admit when you are trying something new. Be honest about expanding your leadership skills. People will appreciate your sincere and authentic efforts. Says the plant manager: “Suffice it to say that in my view, my little experiment was a success. I have since shared what I learned with many of my team members and plan to have more Motivational Outlook Conversations with them in the coming weeks.”

3. Remember that as a manager you cannot motivate anyone. What you can do is create an environment where an individual is more likely to be optimally motivated. Ask (and genuinely care about) how a person is feeling, help them recognize their own sense of well-being regarding a particular issue, and provide them with rationale without trying to “sell” it.

Other take-aways? Please share!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

About the author:

Susan Fowler is one of the principal authors—together  with David Facer and Drea Zigarmi—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ new Optimal Motivation process and workshop.  Their posts appear on the first and third Monday of each month.

So what do you do when you have a manager who is not providing the leadership you need or deserve? I suggest three key strategies for managing your boss.

Key #1: Manage Yourself First

What? “I thought this was about managing my boss,” you say? It is difficult, if not impossible, to manage others if you’re not managing yourself first. That means being accountable, keeping commitments, supporting other team members, and doing what you can to make a contribution—to add value. The more you are seen as a valued member of the team, the greater influence you will have in managing up.

Key #2: Communicate Regularly

If you don’t do this already, I recommend that you schedule regular one-on-one time with your manager. At least once every two weeks, sit down together for fifteen to thirty minutes and share progress reports, obstacles and concerns you face, and needs you have for direction and support. Start each one-on-one meeting with an update of commitments both you and your manager made during the previous one-on-one.

Key #3: Ask for What You Need

Managers are not all-seeing, all-knowing human beings. Just like everyone else, they are generally horrible guessers when it comes to what others need. Do you need more clarity about a recent assignment? Do you need direction on where to start? Do you need your manager to trust you and give you the autonomy you deserve on this assignment? Then ask. Be clear and specific and ask for what you need. For example: “Hey boss, do you have five minutes to provide some more detail about what you need from me on this assignment?” Or “Hey boss, since this is something I have done before, I would really like to lead this activity.” Most managers are willing to help but wary of micromanaging so they don’t offer. Remember to just ask.

What if Your Boss Refuses to be Managed?

You can be a solid performer with superior communication and people skills and your manager can still choose to be unsupportive, or even worse: A seagull manager. Seagull managers are never around until you make a mistake. Then they fly in, make a lot of noise, dump all over you, and fly away again. If you have done everything you can to get the leadership you need and it is not working, you have two choices: (1) accept it and let it go; or (2) remove yourself from that manager.  (See an earlier blog post for more information regarding these options.)

What other strategies do you use to manage your boss with integrity, in a way that builds the relationship? I’d love to read your comments.

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies who specializes in performance and self-leadership.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of each month.

Their conclusion?

“Cutting yourself off, or choosing not to focus on the people side of the equation, can—and will—be a problem that will impact your development as a leader.”

Have you inadvertently cut yourself off from your people?  Many leaders have.  It’s usually because of time pressures, or a single-minded focus on results—but sometimes it’s also a conscious choice to create “professional distance” that allows you the emotional room to make tough choices.

That’s a mistake say the Blanchards. “The best working relationships are partnerships. For leaders, this means maintaining a focus on results along with high levels of demonstrated caring.”

They go on to caution that, “The relationship foundation has to be in place first. It’s only when leaders and managers take the time to build the foundation that they earn the permission to be aggressive in asking people to produce results. The best managers combine high support with high levels of focus, urgency, and criticality. As a result, they get more things done, more quickly, than managers who do not have this double skill base.”

Don’t limit yourself—or others

Don’t limit yourself, or others, by focusing on just one half of the leadership equation.  You don’t have to choose.  In this case you can have it all.  Create strong relationships focused on jointly achieving results. To read the complete article—including some tips on getting started—be sure to check out Getting Your Team Emotionally Engaged Is Half The Leadership Battle. Here’s How To Do It

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Judy Garland’s line from The Wizard Oz could appropriately capture the feeling of many leaders when it comes to managing Millennials in the workplace – it’s a whole new world! Millennials, or Gen Y (born 1982-1995), are rapidly becoming a greater share of the workforce and some studies have estimated that by 2025 they will comprise 75% of the working population. Like each generation before them, they bring a unique blend of attitudes, traits, and characteristics that define how they “show up” at work. Building trust with this generation and leveraging their strengths in the workplace is a pressing priority for today’s generation of leaders.

Last week I had the privilege of participating in a panel discussion on the topic of Trust in Millennial Leaders, on the Trust Across America radio show, hosted by my friend Jon Mertz, a leadership writer and marketing executive. Jon assembled representatives from Gen Y who are in the early stages of their careers along with a couple of “old guys” (me included!) further along in their career.

The insightful discussion produced a number of valuable learning moments, four of which stood out to me as particularly important for leaders to grasp in order to build trust with Millennials.

1. Millennials are a trusting, optimistic generation – Whenever you speak about generational demographics, there is the danger of over-generalizing and stereotyping individuals. With that said, by and large the Millennial generation has a higher propensity to trust others and they value authentic relationships. A study by Deloitte showed that 87% of the Millennials they surveyed reported that they “completely,” “mostly,” or “moderately” trust their boss, with nearly 1 in 3 falling in the “completely” category. This opens the door for leaders to extend trust to the Millennials on their team with the expectation that trust will be reciprocated. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and it’s the starting point for leaders interested in maximizing the talents of the younger generation.

2. Tech savviness of Millennials opens new doors – Gen Y is the first workforce generation to grow up completely in the world of modern computers and it fundamentally drives the way they approach work. Millennials take to technology like a fish takes to water and their use of technology is forcing organizations to reevaluate their business practices. The ubiquitous use of social media by Millennials is one prominent example. For many younger workers there is a blending of work and social community interaction through Facebook, Twitter, or other platforms. Today’s leaders need to consider ways to build trust with Millennials through the use of technology rather than viewing these new methods with fear or suspicion.

3. Millennials are quick learners – In large part due to their upbringing in the computer age, Millennials are conditioned to consume, absorb, and apply large amounts of information. (No experience with creating a business plan? Google it and have nearly 3 million options to meet your need!) Because of their fast-paced nature to learn on the fly, many in this generation have gotten the bad rap of not wanting to “pay their dues” or are “entitled” (Generation Me!) to quick promotions and pay raises. Leaders interested in building trust would be wise to avoid labeling Millennials with these stereotypes and treat them on an individual basis. As Jon Mertz pointed out, many Gen Y’ers understand that growth in organizations today is much more horizontally focused than vertically up the traditional corporate ladder.

4. Millennials know the power of community – A common trait of this generation is their focus on social causes and the strength that comes from like-minded individuals banding together to achieve a common goal. Whether it’s assisting in disaster relief, combating slave trafficking, or providing clean water to villagers in Africa, Millennials have emerged as leaders in addressing social issues. What does that mean for organizational leaders? Millennials are naturals at teamwork! Who wouldn’t want that skill in their company? Millennials are eager and ready to accept new responsibilities and have a natural inclination to partner with others to achieve ambitious goals. Rather than forcing Millennials to “wait their turn,” leaders can build trust by looking for appropriate projects and growth opportunities where they can showcase their talents.

I encourage you to listen to the recording of the radio show. I think you’ll come away from the discussion with a greater appreciation for the skills and talents that Millennials bring to the workforce and a greater hope for a bright future with this new generation of leaders.

Randy Conley is the Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies and his LeaderChat posts appear the last Thursday of every month. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit Randy at his Leading with Trust blog or follow him on Twitter @RandyConley.

For the past several weeks (and several weeks ahead for procrastinators) managers around the world have been meeting with their direct reports to review last year’s goals, measure performance, and determine pay increases.

If you are in the middle of performance reviews with your people, here are two radical ideas inspired by a recent article Scott and Ken Blanchard wrote for Fast Company, The Best Gift Managers Can Give Their Employees This Season.

In the article, Scott and Ken identified that two of the most important ingredients missing in today’s manager-direct report conversations are growth and considering the employee’s agenda.

In some ways, that’s not surprising considering the cautious way most companies have been operating during our slow, tepid economic recovery.  “Just lucky to have a job,” has become institutionalized after four years of a weak employment picture and little or no growth in many industries.

But 2013 feels different.  There’s a small, but flickering sense of optimism in the air.  (Maybe it’s because that Mayan calendar scare is over—it is, isn’t it?)

Are you ready to move forward?  Here are three new ways of thinking.  How could you add these components into your next performance management or goal setting conversation either as a manager or direct report?

1. Think growth.  Yes, GROWTH!  It’s time.  People can only tread water for so long.  Eventually, you have to start swimming somewhere.  Developing new skills in your present job—and seeing the next step on your career path are both important factors that lead to happiness, well-being and better performance at work.  What can you add to your list of skills during the coming year?  What move can you make (even a small one) that will get you one step closer to your next career objectives?
2. Think connection. Who can help you along the way?  There is only so much that you can do on your own and left to your own devices.  We all need some help.
3. Think helping others. The late Zig Ziglar (who passed away earlier this year) was famous for identifying that, “You can get just about anything you want out of life as long as you are willing to help others get what they want.” But it has to begin with you.  Who can you reach out to this week or next?  Who can you help take the next step toward their career plans?

In their article for Fast Company Scott and Ken Blanchard share an important paradox for anyone in business to remember.  The more you give, the more that comes back to you.

Add a little bit of giving into your work conversations in 2013.  Talk about growth issues with your direct reports.  Find out how you can help.  You’ll be surprised at how much comes back to you during the course of the year.

Typically this time of year people are feeling more emotional than usual. This is an opportunity for us to bring a little peace to people that we care about and help them relax and enjoy the holiday season versus being overwhelmed by it. It is important to know that the emotion zone in the brain is the same as the memory zone.  You can leverage emotions to create lasting memories.

So, how do you bring a little peace?

P stands for Prioritize and focus. Help people (including yourself) prioritize and focus on the tasks and goals that are truly important. When people are overwhelmed they are usually taking on unnecessary tasks, producing worry that keeps their brain on spin. Creating laser-like focus reduces stress.

E stands for Energize to act. Help those around you with the one or two steps that they need to take in order to get started on their task or goal. Getting started is half the battle and task completion will increase as people just take that first step.

A stands for Acknowledge emotion. What happens when we don’t acknowledge emotions? They can get bigger and bigger and less manageable. Sometimes just the mere acknowledgement of someone else’s emotion, or even your own, can provide relief and support. Remember the last time someone did this for you and you said, “Phew, so glad to get that off my chest!”

C stands for Cherish Successes. Try to notice where others are doing things right and call it out. Listen to people and really make them feel special for who they are and what they have achieved. Cherishing success can be a wonderful gift that you can give to those around you this holiday season.

E stands for Enjoy the holidays. Don’t forget to stop and enjoy the moments and the people that matter. Be grateful for all that you are blessed with by doing random acts of kindness. Sometimes it’s the little things we can do for people that really make a difference.

So give the gift of peace! Happy Holidays!

About the author:

Vicki Halsey is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read Vicki’s posts as a part of our customer service series which appears on the first and third Thursday of each month.

Managers met with their direct reports every two-weeks to discuss issues that the direct report wanted to discuss.  At the end of six months, surveys were conducted to see if the more frequent meetings impacted perceptions.

They did, but the results were mixed.

The leaders in charge of the managers who were being studied noticed a positive change in the performance of the managers and the people who reported to them.   From the senior leader’s perspective, more frequent conversations were having a positive impact on performance and morale.

The managers who were being observed had the opposite reaction.  They scored themselves lower than they had before the experiment.  The managers felt ill-prepared and somewhat ineffective in trying to solve many of the difficult issues that employee’s were facing.

The direct reports were the last group surveyed. Their reaction?  Overwhelmingly positive.  How could this be when the managers saw themselves as performing so poorly?  Hand-written comments added by the employees provided a clue, “My manager might not have all the answers, but they listen and they try.  I’ve never felt so well-supported.”

Getting started with One-on-Ones

So why don’t more managers conduct regular one-on-ones?  The top three reasons cited most often are time, lack of perceived skills, and a lack of training.  Don’t let that hold you back from spending more time with your direct reports.  Here are three ways to get started.

1. Maintain a regular schedule.  Start off meeting at least every two weeks. The meetings do not have to be long—30 minutes is a good way to begin.
2. Remember that this is the direct report’s meeting.  Your job as a manager is to listen, support, and see how you can help.
3. Be easy on yourself.  People know that you have limitations.  You don’t have to have all of the answers to be effective.  Work together with your people to identify options, access necessary resources, and plan a course of action.

Partner with your people to provide the direction and support they need to succeed.  Working together to solve issues is a great way to build relationships and improve performance at the same time. Even if you feel that you are not very good at solving all of their issues, you’ll still be having a positive impact. Don’t wait. Begin today!

One day I noticed that Sue left at 1:30 in the afternoon without saying a word. The next day, she left at 2:00. The next, 1:30 again. I started to get a little annoyed and, despite all previous evidence to the contrary, I began to wonder if Sue was slacking off. Unfortunately, I let this go on a few more days until another employee came to me to report that Sue was leaving early each day. Now I needed to handle the situation.

I called Sue into my office and said, “I noticed you have been going home between 1:30 and 2:00 every day for the last week. Help me understand.”

Notice the language. I did not say, “I noticed you have been leaving early.” That is a judgment. I simply said what I had observed. Note that a neutral tone is critical in this type of conversation.

Sue’s response: “I’m so sorry, John. I forgot to tell you that I have been coming in at 5:00 a.m. each day for the past two weeks to let our trainers into the building and get them set up. I let Julie (our admin) know, but I forgot to tell you.”

Can you imagine how that conversation would have gone if I had assumed the bad—that Sue was slacking off and leaving early? What impact would that have had on our relationship and the trust we felt toward each other? Instead, I assumed the good— that there had to be a reasonable explanation for her behavior.

The next time you encounter behavior that does not fit what you expect—an unfriendly grocery clerk, a colleague who doesn’t return your call, a senior manager who passes you in the hall and doesn’t say “hi”—assume the best. There’s a good chance that the clerk is having a difficult day, the colleague has been so swamped they have not listened to their voice messages, and the senior manager was distracted and didn’t see you.

Give people the benefit of the doubt as you would have them do to you—a good relationship may hang in the balance.

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

It doesn’t have to be this way. A key skill in managing your time (and your boss) is learning to say NO when appropriate. But, how do you say NO, especially to your boss, in a way that maintains the relationship and builds trust?

First, you need to know your commitments. In order to know when to say no, you need to know what’s on your plate. You should have a running list of all your current projects/assignments. Once you see this list of commitments, you can decide whether the new request fits into your schedule, and if it’s of high enough priority to add to your list.

The real secret to saying “NO” is to have a greater “YES” burning within you!

Next, when a request is made, take the time to listen and fully understand what is being asked and why. Then you can decide if the request fits into your schedule and your priorities.

Last, when appropriate, you need to say NO in a respectful way. Here are five strategies:

• Negotiate a later date for completion – “I would be happy to do that task. With all of my other priorities I could complete it by this date.”
• Ask how it fits into your current workload, then negotiate – “I would be happy to do that task. Would you help me see where this fits in with my other priorities?”
• Suggest someone else who might be able to complete the task for you – “I don’t have time for this at the moment. You might check with Pat or Chris.”
• Be polite, yet firm in saying “no” when “no” is your only option – “I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.”
• Pre-empt the request by keeping people informed regarding your workload and priorities.

Don’t let your work life get to the point where you feel burned out and ready to quit. Take responsibility for creating the work environment that keeps you engaged by learning to say “No” when appropriate.

Remember…

“A ‘No’, uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a ‘Yes’, merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.”

~ Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

*****

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

Last week I was with a client teaching a session on the topic of Legendary Service.  There were people in the room from six different countries and we were beaming out to three more. The participants represented a rich blend of values, generations, depth of knowledge of technology, and history with customer service content.  It was an amazing opportunity to see what service looks and feels like given different life views.  The dialogue was frequent, fiery, and focused.  Below are a few pearls of wisdom I captured from the group’s spontaneous suggestions—with important morals for interacting with anyone.

• Some of the women felt that a mentality exists that women are not as technologically savvy as men. These very smart women feel talked down to when a product or process is being explained to them. They are left feeling insulted, irritated, and humiliated rather than cared for.  Moral: When explaining a new product or process, treat every customer as if they were the smartest person you know who is simply learning something new.

• Some of the men felt that women take too long to get to the point when sharing their thoughts. These men want to know up front what women want—their specific, targeted needs or ideas—as opposed to spending time reflecting on whys, hows, and back stories. This reminded me of a football metaphor regarding the difference in men’s and women’s communication styles. Picture the players on the line of scrimmage: “64, 56, 72, HIKE!” Like football players, these men are eagerly waiting to get the ball and run with it.  Moral: Do your work ahead of time so you can speed up the focus and desired actions from conversations.

• From an international participant:  People don’t seem to listen anymore. Most attendees agreed that people have lost the talent of listening. Many act as if they have heard every question a thousand times. They don’t focus on finding out specific details, but rush to generalize the question and dive into their prepared spiel.  We had a rich discussion on the cost of NOT listening to people—it causes rework, doesn’t solve the problem, and leaves the other person feeling uncared for.  Moral: Give people the gift of listening. Listen to learn. See each interaction as the first you’ve had with that person and clarify what you heard before you share your thoughts.

• From a brilliant Latin American woman: Many people think they are being efficient with others’ time by diving right into the task—but they forget that some people need to know that there is deep appreciation for their time, ideas, and culture before they can truly listen.  Others in the room agreed that in many Latin, Middle Eastern, and Asian countries it is crucial to build a relationship BEFORE transacting business.  Moral: Build the relationship and show respect before addressing the task.

It’s exciting to live in a generation where we can learn so much about the different ways people solve problems, leverage their history, and stay energized.  Customers expect us to know their needs.  We can learn about and leverage the rich diversity of their values, ages, and ethnicities and their competence at using our products, services and processes. Let’s deliver value to all customers by listening to their voice and communicating with them in a way that ensures they feel heard.

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About the author:

Vicki Halsey is one of the principal authors—together with Kathy Cuff—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Legendary Service training program.  Their “others-focused” posts appear on the first and third Thursday of each month.

This might keep the line moving, but it is not going to do much in meeting a person’s need to be heard.

Could your listening skills use a brush-up? 

Here’s a three-step model designed to help managers slow down and focus on what people are sharing. The magic in this process is remembering to take the time to explore the issue raised by a direct report by asking clarifying questions, then acknowledging what is being said and the emotion behind it, before going on to the third step of responding.

Explore—ask open-ended questions such as “Can you tell me more about that?” and “How do you think that will go?” and “What does that really mean?”

Acknowledge—respond with comments such as “You must be feeling …” or “So, if I’m hearing you correctly, what you’re saying is ….”

Respond—now that you have a good understanding of the direct report’s point of view, you can carefully move forward with a possible response.

Use this EAR model to stop and take an extra minute to make sure you really understand the situation before responding.

You also need the right attitude

In addition to a good model, you also need the right attitude when it comes to listening.  Otherwise, you end up going through the motions but not having anything truly penetrate the noise in your own head.

To combat that, quiet yourself and focus.

Now, listen in a special way. Listen with an expectation of learning something you didn’t know and possibly being influenced by what you find out.  This is especially important if someone is sharing a new idea or feedback with you.  Remember to WAIT and ask yourself, “Why Am I Talking when I should be listening?”

Managers have to be open to being influenced and surprised by what they might hear. Sometimes it’s hard for managers to listen—especially if they have been doing the job for a long time—because they are sure that they already know what the direct report is going to say.

Remember: Listening means remaining silent. This will create a little space where you can explore and acknowledge before responding. Be sure to think about whether your thoughts are really needed, or whether a direct report just needs “air time” to process his or her thoughts. With a combination of the right attitude and the right skill set, you’ll still get to the answers, but you’ll do it in a way that allows you to make the best decisions and in a way that allows everyone to be heard.

Current research points to the benefit of employing people’s hearts as well as their hands. But to do that skillfully, managers and team leaders have to be prepared for all of the situations that occur when you truly engage people.  If you want everything that people can offer, you have to deal with everything that people will bring.

Eryn Kalish, a professional mediator and relationship expert believes that there are two keys to successfully negotiating the emotional workplace.  In an article for Blanchard’s Ignite! newsletter, Kalish identifies staying centered and open as the key skills.  But what she has been seeing more commonly is an unbalanced approach where managers and organizations go to extremes.

As she explains, “Organizations are either taking a ‘confront everything, address it, and do it now’ overly intense approach, where there is no time or space to reflect, or they are taking a ‘let’s wait and see’ tactic, in hopes that the situation resolves itself, but in reality not dealing with difficult issues until it’s way too late.”

The wait and see strategy works occasionally, according to Kalish, although most of the time things get worse. “Plus, when something is left unaddressed, there is a cumulative organizational effect where everyone starts shutting down, living in a place of fear and contraction.”

That is a huge loss, from Kalish’s perspective, because most issues in companies are resolvable.

“If issues are handled directly, clearly, and in a timely manner, something new can emerge. That’s what I see that is so exciting,” she shares. “When people normalize these types of conversations, it is amazing to see the transformations that can occur.”

Next steps for leaders

For leaders looking to get started in improving their abilities, Kalish recommends assessing where you are currently at.

“It all depends on whether you have the skills to conduct a sensitive conversation. If you have the skills, take a cue from Nike and ‘Just do it!’ See what happens. If you do not have the skills, then it is important to get additional coaching or training.

“In any case, openness and transparency is the key. Many times it helps to just be candid with staff and saying, ‘I think that we have been avoiding this and I’d like that to change’ will help.

To learn more about Kalish’s thoughts on dealing effectively with emotion in the workplace, check out Dealing effectively with emotion-filled work environments in the August issue of Ignite.  Also be sure to check out a free webinar Kalish is conducting on August 22, A Manager’s Guide to the Emotional Workplace: How to stay focused and balanced when dealing with sensitive issues.  It’s a free event courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

A few seconds later, just as we feared, the deer jumped out into the road.  Paula shouted, “The deer!” and the next thing I knew we crashed into the animal (or he crashed into us), which damaged the front end of our rental car. Amazingly, we were not hurt. The same cannot be said for the poor deer.

As we were waiting for the tow truck, we discussed what happened. It was a classic case of not being specific in our communication. When I asked Paula if she saw the deer, I was referring to the one in the median in the middle of the highway. When she responded “Yes, I do,” she was referring to a second deer, which she saw ahead in the lane to our right.

A better, more specific form of communication would have been:

JOHN:       “Do you see the deer in the median?”

PAULA:     “No, but I see the one on the right side of the car about to jump into our lane.”

Too many times we are not specific in our communication, make assumptions, and don’t double-check for understanding.  While not as traumatic as hitting a deer, here are a few examples where not being specific enough can lead to hurt feelings, unnecessary conflict, and negative outcomes.

• “I need your report as soon as possible.”  What does that mean? The manager asking for the report might be expecting it within the hour. But the other person may already have a full plate and “as soon as possible” is sometime next week.
• “I would like you to be a better team player.” What does that look like? This manager may want the person to attend all team meetings, show up on time, actively participate in team discussions, and support team decisions. The person receiving this message may think that being a good team player means hanging out with the team after work.
• (To a teenager): “I would like you to go and clean your room.”  What is the definition of clean? To you, it means picking up clothes and putting them away, making the bed, vacuuming, and dusting. To the teenager, it may mean shoving everything under the bed and calling it good.

Being more specific

One simple way to be more specific is to add the phrase “…by that I mean…” to the end of the request.  For example:  “I would like you to go and clean your room, and by that I mean…” and then include the specific details.

The level of specificity needed is dependent on the person and the task, so think about both as you clarify the request or assignment.

As you become more specific in your communication, you will be amazed at the corresponding decrease in interpersonal conflict, increase in fulfillment of expectations, and positive outcomes for yourself—and for deer—everywhere.

About the author:

John Hester is a senior consulting partner with The Ken Blanchard Companies.  You can read John’s posts on the second Thursday of every month.

Why are managers and supervisors so stingy with their recognition?  Especially when we all know how important it is to be appreciated. As William James, one of the pioneers of modern psychology said, “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.”

My guess is that most managers don’t realize how little praise they give employees—or more importantly, what their praise-to-criticism ratio is.

John Gottman, a Harvard psychologist who focuses on marital relations, is famous for identifying that to maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to have a praise-criticism ratio of at least 5:1.  That means five positive mentions for every negative.

How are you doing with your level of praise in the workplace?  If you’re out of practice, here are a couple of tips.

Be timely.  Here’s one time when it is okay for a manager to “shoot from the hip.”  As soon as you notice someone doing something worth mentioning, take the next step and actually call them out for it.

Be authentic.  Don’t go overboard, just honestly express your feelings.  You are not trying to “do” something, or manipulate the person or experience.  Instead, you are just showing that you noticed and appreciate what they are doing.

Be frequent.  Don’t worry that all this praising will go to their head—or that they will feel like you are overdoing it.  Remember Ken Blanchard’s experience asking thousands of people his favorite question. No one has ever said they were praised too much and they just wish their boss would cut it out. That’s not to say that it won’t seem like a lot of praising in your mind.  But remember the 5:1 ratio necessary for a healthy, positive relationship.

Don’t be stingy

Everyone loves to be recognized and appreciated for who they are and the good work they do.  (Don’t you?)  As long as it is honest and from the heart (and free of any ulterior motives) you really can’t overdo it.

Try it this week—and as an added bonus, I think you’ll find that giving others praise, recognition, and appreciation will make you feel better too!

What would happen if your direct reports “secretly shopped” you as a leader?  What would they report back?  Here’s an exercise to help you find out.  You are going to “meta-cognate” or watch yourself by designing a personal secret shopper scorecard.

Identify your ideal self

First, take a few minutes and think of your vision of yourself as a leader. On your best day—the one you would like to be recorded for the nightly news as a model for leaders everywhere—what do you see yourself doing? In interactions, are you focused on the other person? Are you listening to their world and trying to help them succeed in the important work they are doing? Do you recognize their effort and courage?  Do you help your people gain clarity around their purpose and goals? What exactly is your vision of YOU at your best?

Create your secret shopper questions

Second, reframe a few of your observations (no more than three) into your own secret shopper questions, such as:

1. To what degree did the leader use the word you versus the word I?
2. Were listening strategies used to enhance communication?
3. Was specific praise or recognition used to build the relationship?
4. Did the leader make the individual feel important?
5. Did the individual leave the interaction ready to act?

Create your scorecard

Third, create a small, written assessment that you can use to remind and assess how close you are behaving to your ideal self in your interactions with people. This self-assessment should include four items—the top three things you intend to do, your self-assessment of your success, the level of care the individual felt as a result, and the chances that they will come back again for a similar experience.  Here’s mine so you can see an example:

My Secret Shopper Leadership Scorecard

Upcoming interaction:  Discussing goals with Lisa

Three things I want to observe myself doing:

1. Taking some time at the beginning of the meeting to reconnect
2. Keeping the conversation focused on goals, tasks, and the work we need to accomplish
3. Reviewing agreements and letting Lisa know that I am available for direction and support

Self assessment of this interaction: (on a scale of 1 to 10)

Level of CARE the individual felt: (on a scale of 1 to 10)

Chance s/he will want to come back for a similar experience: (on a scale of 1 to 10)

Being your own secret shopper is a great way to begin the task of creating and becoming the leader you want to be. Use this scorecard  to purposely plan and notice yourself in action.  Self-reflect on each interaction with an employee.  Ask yourself the questions you generated and strive toward higher and higher ratings. With a little bit of practice, you’ll soon notice the impact that being “customer focused” can have on your performance as a serving leader.

About the author:

Vicki Halsey is one of the principal authors—together with Kathy Cuff—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Legendary Service training program.  Their other-focused posts appear on the first and third Thursday of each month.

Here are the top reasons Fournies heard most often and which he described in his book, Why Employees Don’t Do What They’re Supposed To and What You Can Do About It.  As you review the list, consider what you believe might be some of the root causes and solutions for each road block.

In Fournies’ experience, the root cause and solution in each case rests with the individual manager and employee.  Fournies believes that managers can minimize the negative impact of each of these potential roadblocks by:

1. Getting agreement that a problem exists
2. Mutually discussing alternative solutions
3. Mutually agreeing on action to be taken to solve the problem
4. Following-up to ensure that agreed-upon action has been taken
5. Reinforcing any achievement

Are your people doing what they are supposed to be doing?

What’s the level of purpose, alignment, and performance in your organization?  Do people have a clear sense of where the organization is going and where their work fits in?  Are they committed and passionate about the work?  Are they performing at a high level?  Take a look at the conversations and relationships happening at the manager-direct report level.  If performance is not where it should be, chances are that one of these roadblocks in getting in the way.

PS: You can learn more about Ferdinand Fournies and his two books, Why Employees Don’t Do What They’re Supposed To and What You Can Do About It, and Coaching for Improved Work Performance here at Amazon.  Both books are highly recommended for your business bookshelf.

One of the strategies you can use to map out all of the important relationships present in your work environment is to create a relationship map.  To get started, take a large piece of paper, find a white board (though you want to be sure to keep this work private) or use mind-mapping software.

Begin by identifying your “prime objective.”  What exactly are you trying to accomplish?  What is the goal?  (You may have several, so do a map for each objective.)

Now, draw a space for each person who might be affected by what you are doing.  Include senior leaders, colleagues in your industry, peers in other departments, direct reports, functional reports, and dotted line team leads—anyone who might matter.  Don’t worry about going overboard—you can always scale back—but you might be surprised at what you find when you get the big picture perspective.

Ask yourself some key questions

Once you have exhausted all of the possibilities, think about each person in turn and identify the following:

• What are their main goals/objectives?  How will it serve them for to you succeed?  Fail?
• What do you need from them?  How can they help you?  Hurt you?
• What is their style?  How will you need to communicate with them to influence them?  Are they visual, kinesthetic, auditory?  Do they like a lot of detail or do they want the executive summary?
• What regard do they have for you?  Do they like, respect, trust you?
• How do you feel about them?  Do you harbor judgments about this person that they might be picking up on? What assumptions might you be making about them that you haven’t checked out?

Next, create a mini-action plan around each person.  What are some of the things you can do to build relationships and better understand the people who are crucial to your success?

Action plans can include spending time together, going to the person to ask for advice, or pick up the phone simply to get their opinion about something.  You can also plan to go to lunch, drop by cubicles that are not on your regular path, or include key people in relevant emails.

If there are some past misunderstandings, and you are comfortable with addressing it, you can even consider going to lunch with others to “name it and claim it.”

Your action plan should also pay attention to how people use language.  It allows you to understand better what is important to others, what they focus on, how they think, and how they approach things.

Take the time

Thinking things through in this much detail requires a great deal of discipline, but the kind of discoveries you can make by thinking things through with this kind of specificity are rich and useful.  Even though no one likes to think of himself or herself as a political animal, I have yet to meet a leader who can afford to be politically naïve about work relationships.

Many have been sabotaged by the move from the left that they never saw coming.  Taking the time to map relationships and understand how these may or may not be serving your aims allows you to maximize your potential and the potential of others.

About the author:

This is one in a series of LeaderChat articles on the topic of executive development by Madeleine Homan Blanchard, co-founder of Blanchard Certified, For more of her insights , visit the Blanchard Certified blog or via Twitter @BlanchardCert

It’s easy for leaders to fall into the trap of thinking they need to have the answer to every problem or situation that arises. After all, that’s in a leader’s job description, right? Solve problems, make decisions, have answers…that’s what we do! Why listen to others when you already know everything?

Good leaders know they don’t have all the answers. They spend time listening to the ideas, feedback, and thoughts of their people, and they incorporate that information into the decisions and plans they make. When a person feels listened to, it builds trust, loyalty, and commitment in the relationship. Here are some tips for building trust by improving the way you listen in conversations:

• Don’t interrupt – It’s rude and disrespectful to the person you’re speaking with and it conveys the attitude, whether you mean it or not, that what you have to say is more important than what he or she is saying.
• Make sure you understand – Ask clarifying questions and paraphrase to ensure that you understand what the person is trying to communicate. Generous and empathetic listening is a key part of Habit #5 – Seek first to understand, then to be understood – of Covey’s famous Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
• Learn each person’s story – The successes, failures, joys, and sorrows that we experience in life weave together to form our “story.” Our story influences the way we relate to others, and when a leader takes time to understand the stories of his followers, he has a much better perspective and understanding of  their motivations. Chick-fil-a uses an excellent video in their training programs that serves as a powerful reminder of this truth.
• Stay in the moment – It’s easy to be distracted in conversations. You’re thinking about the next meeting you have to run to, the pressing deadline you’re up against, or even what you need to pick up at the grocery store on the way home from work! Important things all, but they distract you from truly being present and fully invested in the conversation. Take notes and practice active listening to stay engaged.

My grandpa was fond of saying “The Lord gave you two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.” Leaders can take a step forward in building trust with those they lead by speaking less and listening more. You might be surprised at what you learn!

This is one in a series of LeaderChat articles on the topic of trust by Randy Conley, Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. For more insights on trust and leadership, visit the Leading with Trust blog or follow Randy on Twitter @RandyConley.

My wife has started a new job recently.  Like many people, it involves working in a cubicle interacting with customers primarily by telephone or email.  Even though she works in a large office setting, she is by herself for the most part and doesn’t see her boss in person very often except for a short weekly meeting. Most of their conversation between those times is via email only.

A recent customer issue she was working on was something new she hadn’t done before.  She did her best to figure it out but couldn’t come up with a solution that satisfied the customer.  In the end, the customer spoke those dreaded words, “Can I speak with your manager?”  Maybe that was best, my wife thought to herself, and so she transferred the call to her manager’s voice mail.  She also sent her boss an email documenting some of the supporting information.  Maybe her boss would have some additional resources or ideas on how to handle the situation.

The next morning my wife had an email waiting for her from her manager.  Her manager had sent the customer issue back to my wife with the reply, “Didn’t you see the recent company memo regarding the procedure for escalating customer service calls?”

A pretty standard (if slightly cryptic) type of response that goes out from bosses thousands of times each work day.  A simple reminder to review some earlier policy memo detailing the steps for handling situations like this.

Off to the races

“What did this mean?” my wife thought to herself. “What was her manager trying to say?”  She had seen the memo and it described how to evaluate and escalate calls to supervisors when necessary.  She felt she had followed the procedure.  She reread the memo, looking for details she might have missed.

By the time she talked to me about it that evening after work, the issue had escalated in her mind.  “Why do they make this so hard?” she asked me.  “Can’t they see I’m just trying to help the customer?”

“Maybe I’m not a good fit for this company,” she finally told me.  “This just isn’t the way that I work.”

The solution

“Have you talked to your manager?” I asked.

“I sent her a second email, but I haven’t heard back yet.”

“Okay, let’s wait and see what she says before we get too far ahead of ourselves,” I responded.  “Give me a call when you find out.”

I never did get that call, so at dinner that night I asked how it was going.

“Oh, that’s all set,” my wife replied.  “My manager stopped by and we talked about it.”

Managing By Wandering Around

Time is a precious commodity at work these days.  Everyone has a lot on their plate.  Still, managers can do a lot of good for their organizations by occasionally getting out of their offices for a little stroll.  In addition to regularly scheduled one-on-one meetings, check in with the people who report to you at least one other time each week by stopping by their desk, checking in with them via telephone, or just making yourself accessible.

Don’t let small things blow up into big things.  Nip them in the bud and make it easy for people to get back to work. It will make your company more productive and it will increase your connection with your people too!

What are you probably thinking while they are talking?

A. What you were doing before the person ran in, even though it means only half-listening to their story?

B. Internal brainstorming on how you would handle X?

C. Preparing to respond with all the things others have done in a similar situation so you can share them as soon as the person is done talking?

D. Carefully listening to the situation to be sure this person gets the help he or she needs on X?

Answers A, B, and C are SELF-focused, and answer D is OTHER-focused.

Now, ask yourself, “Which one do you think will best meet the needs of this person, over time? Which one might make them a ‘customer’ who feels cared for?”

Yes, answer D.

Changing your focus

To improve your ability to focus on the needs of others instead of your own, here are four questions to consider when someone comes to you with an issue or situation.

1. What is the issue/focus for this person?
2. What is their understanding of the situation? Who, what , when, where, how, etc..
3. What does he or she think should be done—or what is the help he or she needs?
4. How can you help them follow through with their solution, or deliver what is needed?

Let’s replay the scenario and see how this works in practice.  Once again, someone runs into your office (or calls on the phone) and says, “I need help with X.”

Step 1: Understand the Focus—You immediately stop what you are doing, becoming present and focused on that person. Then, as the person is sharing, you are listening carefully to ensure that you understand what the issue is. When he or she is done talking, you say, ”Ok. Your situation/issue is….”

Step 2: Get Information—Before generating a list of what to do, the next step to empowering this person over time is to get him or her to share the background or other pertinent information about the situation so all are clear. Before jumping in with your solutions ask what he or she thinks is the best possible outcome for the situation.  (This is not as easy as it seems!) Reflect back what you hear.

Step 3: Identify Options—To get the best possible outcome, now you ask what options can be considered.  What does the person think or feel should be done? What does he or she need to do that? What learning is necessary? Who could help? By when could it be done? What else?

Step 4: Follow up—Your final job is to follow-up to help the person deliver the solution that’s been generated. Your follow-up is to ensure that he or she acts on his or her best intentions.  Checking in within 24 hours to see how it is going is an uncommon practice that will generate a lifetime of gratitude.

First, you engender collegiality. Second, you act as a catalyst to help the person move on his or her idea—or revisit the situation, in case the person needs additional help to move forward.  The important thing to remember is, it’s all about them.

In these days of rapid communication and overload of tasks, it is easy to forget that people like to be smart, and they like to know that others trust them to do their best work.  By being a sounding board, instead of a solution board, you inspire others to feel powerful and claim their greatness.

About the author:

Vicki Halsey is one of the principal authors—together with Kathy Cuff—of The Ken Blanchard Companies’ Legendary Service training program.  Their other-focused posts appear on the first and third Thursday of each month.

However, there are three times when it is not appropriate to praise someone.  In fact, praising in any of these three instances will often end up doing more harm than good.  In all three cases the deciding factor isn’t the situation, but instead, it’s the attitude of the manager.

When you don’t really know what’s going on. Offering general praise without any specific examples highlights the fact that you aren’t paying attention and you aren’t really sure what someone is working on.  Instead of being a positive, this type of “you’re doing great” praise only serves as a reminder, and not a good one.

When you’re using praise as a way to get something in return. This can be as obvious as buttering someone up, or it can be as subtle as using praise as a reward.  You don’t want to use praise as a carrot, and you don’t want to withhold praise as a punishment.  Praise when it is used like this is a form of coercion.  People will smell this out and resent this type of backhanded control. Eventually it will come back to bite you.

When you are hoping to use praise as a substitute for something else—a pay raise for example. People want to be recognized and know that you care, but they also want to be paid.  You need to address each separately.  Praise can enhance the good things that are going on in a work environment but it won’t cover over issues such as pay, growth opportunities, and workload balance.

Praise when it is done right should be fun, light, and spontaneous.  It should be as natural as breathing.  If you find yourself over-thinking praise, wondering how it will be received, or what the person will think and do as a result, take a minute to double-check your motives.

Genuine praise focused on the employee is always welcome.  Using praise as a means to your own ends is a subtle form of manipulation.  Don’t cross the line.  Use praise the right way.  Show genuine appreciation and let people know that you really care.

She’s been struggling to learn all of the different components of the new role and she hit a low point this past Wednesday.  With the training coming to an end, she felt she had only mastered 40% of the required skills.  As a result, she was thinking of turning down the advancement and asking to remain in her previous role.  Even worse, she was reconsidering her decision to take the job in the first place.  Maybe it wasn’t a good fit for her, she told me.

I was surprised at her reaction.  I knew my wife had been struggling to pick up the new skills, but I also knew that she was a bright, capable, woman who had mastered much tougher content in the past.  I did my best to offer a word of encouragement as I left for a 2-day business trip, but it didn’t seem to help much.  I could see the concern on her face as I kissed her goodbye.

Normal, but still painful

I thought about what she was experiencing as I travelled.  I knew that her reaction was normal and something that all people experienced when they were learning a new skill.  At Blanchard, our Situational Leadership II model called this Development Level 2: Disillusioned Learner.  It’s when people go from being enthusiastic about a task when they first start, to disillusioned when the task is more difficult than they anticipated.  However, with encouragement, and as they begin to apply their new skills and gain confidence, they finally move on to mastery.  It all sounds so neat in theory, but as my wife demonstrated, it doesn’t make it any easier for the person going through the process.  Still, reconsidering whether to stay with the company seemed an especially strong reaction.

That’s why I was so surprised when I returned home and she told me that she was moving forward with the new role and was even looking forward to the next position beyond that.

“What happened,” I asked, amazed at the complete change in her attitude in less than 48 hours.

What she told me next were two important actions that all managers need to add to their skill set when asking employees to stretch and try something new.

1. She received some positive feedback.  After two weeks of practicing her new skills (badly, in her mind) she received some outside feedback on how she was doing.  She was surprised to find out that she had received a 97 and a 98 rating on her two recent evaluations.  These scores were consistent with the scores she had been receiving in her previous role.  She was shocked that her work was so good.  She was sure that she was going to receive bad scores.  The lack of feedback up to this point had caused her mind to imagine the worst.  A little bit of positive feedback provided a different perspective and dispelled that fear.
2. She talked to her manager about her concerns.  She shared with her manager that she felt that she had only mastered about 40% of the material.  She also expressed her concern that maybe she wasn’t a good fit for the role.  Her manager reassured her that she was right on track and even shared a personal story that she remembered only being 20% confident of the material when she had completed the class years before.  The manager also shared that my wife was doing great, was one of the best people on the team, and that she had a bright future with the company. A little bit of encouragement and my wife’s confidence was restored.  In fact, she now had a “just watch me grow” attitude I hadn’t seen since she first started.

Is it time to check in with your people?

How are your people doing?  Are they knee deep in learning new skills?  Have you checked in with them lately?  It never hurts to ask.

Disillusionment is a normal stage of development.  By responding appropriately with encouragement and support, managers can help their people get through this difficult stage and move on to confident performance.  Don’t risk losing any of your best people to an extended period of disillusionment.  Don’t let a drop in confidence and perceived skill keep your people from moving forward.  Check in and see how they are doing.  Offer a word of encouragement if appropriate.  It can work wonders!

While some of the factors that contribute to disengagement need to be addressed at an organizational level, there is one action that managers at all levels can take that will help the situation.  Talking about it.  Staying quiet on the subject and hoping that it gets better on its own never works out.  In fact, usually, things will get worse.

As the late great business author Peter Drucker pointed out, “Only three things happen naturally in organizations: friction, confusion, and underperformance. Everything else requires leadership.”

First Steps

Having a conversation with someone who has fallen into a state of disengagement can be a challenge.  There is usually some history that has to be dealt with, as well as some shared responsibility for the situation.  As a leader though, you have to address the situation squarely. That means setting up some time to have a conversation.

It will also be important to put some structure around that conversation.  One great framework that you can use are the 12 employee work passion factors identified by Blanchard as the factors which most impact employee intentions to perform at high levels, actively endorse the organization, and be a good corporate citizen.   Some thinking on your part, and some gentle inquiry around these areas in your first conversation, will help to provide that structure.

It’s also important to keep things positive and assume the best intentions.  Even though things may be in a difficult spot currently, it’s important to remember that very few people want to go into work to see what they can screw up.  That’s almost always a long term reaction to the environment.

Don’t wait and hope for things to get better.  Take some action today.  Most people, if given the chance, want to be magnificent.  What can you do to help bring out that magnificence in your people?  You’ll never know unless you ask.

PS: Interested in learning more?  Don’t miss this special online event!

On January 25, over 40 thought leaders from a wide variety of organizations will be getting together to share their ideas on how to address the quit and stayed phenomenon in a unique Leadership Livecast.  This is a free online event being hosted by The Ken Blanchard Companies and over 5,000 people have already registered to hear how to address the problem from an individual, team, or organization-wide point of view.

To learn more—or to participate in this complimentary online event, check out the information on the Quit and Stayed Leadership Livecast here.

Here are three ways to honor the spirit of Dr. King’s message in your corner of the world.

Be inclusive. It’s never a good idea to create artificial divisions between people even though, as humans, we seem to love to do it.  People have a fundamental need, and a right, to be included in decisions that affect them.  No one likes to be left out.  Go out of your way to bring people into the process.

Listen.  Once you’ve brought people together, make sure that you take the next step and truly listen to them.  One of our favorite reminders for leaders is to occasionally stop and remember the acronym WAIT—Why Am I Talking? And one of our favorite recommendations for leaders is to “listen with the intent of being influenced.”  Use both in your interactions with people.

Act with integrity. Even though people may not always agree with the final outcome, it’s important that we always agree with, and respect, the process.  Leaders need to be especially conscientious in monitoring the ways that decisions are reached.  Resist the tendency to cut corners.  Ken Blanchard recommends that leaders hold themselves to a high standard by using a 3-step ethics check with all major decisions.  Start with the basics—is it legal and is it fair?  Then hold yourself to a higher standard by asking, “Would you be proud if your decision-making process and result was published and widely known?”

As you go back to work this week, take a minute to review the way you are interacting with people.  Are you including all stakeholders in the process?  Are you truly listening to everyone’s ideas and concerns?  Are you being fair and ethical in the way you are making decisions and allocating resources?

Today, more than ever, we need a process that includes, instead of excludes, people.  See what you can do in your areas of influence this week.  You’ll be surprised at the difference you can make.

• Are you an Avoider, unsure about how to deal with feelings so you retreat from the situation? 
• Are you an Ice Man, and believe that feelings don’t really have a place in the work environment?
• Are you an Over Indulger and tend to get a little too wrapped up in emotional situations?

Going too far in any of these three directions can lead to problems at work.  The best approach is to find a balance.  Make sure that people are clear on performance expectations, but at the same time let them know that you are there to help and support them when necessary.

Looking for a way to do this regardless of your personality type?  Here’s some good advice from Ken Blanchard, best-selling author of more than 50 books on management and leadership.  When asked what he hopes people remember most from his body of work, Blanchard identifies one concept that goes back to his best-selling book, The One Minute Manager, written together with Spencer Johnson. 

“Catch people doing things right.”

Take the time to notice when someone who reports to you is doing something right.  This one simple gesture says volumes.  Imagine it for yourself.  How would your day be impacted if your boss stopped by and shared a kind word about something you’re working on? How would that make you feel, impact your morale, and subsequent performance? 

Now, imagine what a kind word from you would do for your direct reports.  No matter what your personality type is, a kind word is always appropriate and appreciated.  Try it today.  You’ll be surprised at the difference it makes.

The only problem is that some of these characters don’t disappear on the day after Halloween.  Instead, they continue to haunt and torment people in workplaces everywhere.  See if you recognize some of these personalities working in your organization.  See anyone familiar?

• Frankenstein’s Monster: Functioning at a basic level. Has all of the pieces, but missing the emotional intelligence to function successfully in the work environment.
• Dracula the Vampire: Vain, self-absorbed, and elitist.  Operates in their own sub-culture, focused mostly on their own needs.   Uses people.  Sucks the life out of everyone around them.
• The Mummy: Mostly asleep. Spends most of their time unaware of what’s going on, but once you disturb them, or slight them in some way, watch out.
• Wicked Witch: Always plotting and concocting schemes.  Spends most of their time engaged in office politics and manipulating things behind the scenes.
• Werewolf: Generally destructive.  Given to emotional outbursts.  Unable to control urges. Often acts without thinking.

While these labels are seasonal, the behaviors behind them are not. If you report to one of these personality types it can be especially challenging.

If you are currently dealing with a personality like this in your work environment, authors Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster of Working With You Is Killing Me have a great four step “unhooking” process that can help you deal with monstrous behavior. Here’s their advice from an interview with Good Morning America:

Unhook physically: Release unwanted negative energy so that you can see your situation more clearly. For example, you come out of a business meeting feeling upset because your boss unfairly bashed you in front of your peers. You know you need to cool down. You look at your options. If you can grab a brisk five-minute walk outside, you go for it. If you can’t go outside, you go to the bathroom, splash your face with cold water, and BREATHE. When you’re in a distressed physical state, the last thing you want to do is calm down, but the fact is that if you want to change your life at work, you have to focus on relaxing physically first.

Unhook mentally: Unhooking mentally is the internal version of talking yourself down off the ledge. It involves looking at your difficult situation from a fresh perspective. Start with a quick inventory of the situation:

• What’s happening here?
• What are the facts of the situation?
• What’s their part?
• What’s my part?
• What are my options?

Unhook verbally: Verbal unhooking involves finding ways to say no without jeopardizing your job, speaking up when you feel overlooked, or tolerating your boss’s temporary silence immediately after you ask for a raise. To unhook verbally, you must be willing to focus on your overall goal in any situation rather than staying stuck in the petty details. It’s a high-road approach to communicating. The goal is to express your ideas and convey information in a manner that resolves problems rather than perpetuating them. High-road communication contains no judgment, no anger, and no accusations. It includes taking responsibility for your side of the situation.

 Unhook with a business tool: A business tool is any standard procedure or written document used in a business setting. It includes contracts, timesheets, job descriptions, memos, performance reviews, company policies and procedures, and other forms of documentation. Business tools help depersonalize challenging situations by providing objective ways to track events and measure performance. To unhook, survey the business tools available to you and identify which ones can help improve your situation.

Don’t let a boss’s bad behavior keep you from being productive at work. To learn more about the unhooking process, be sure to check out more information about  Working With You Is Killing Me here.

Good leaders know they don’t have all the answers. They spend time listening to the ideas, feedback, and thoughts of their people, and they incorporate that information into the decisions and plans they make. When a person feels listened to, it builds trust, loyalty, and commitment in the relationship. Here are some tips for building trust by improving the way you listen:

• Don’t interrupt – It’s rude and disrespectful to the person you’re speaking with and it conveys the attitude, whether you mean it or not, that what you have to say is more important than what he or she is saying.
• Make sure you understand – Ask clarifying questions and paraphrase to ensure that you understand what the person is trying to communicate. Generous and empathetic listening is a key part of Habit #5 – Seek first to understand, then to be understood – of Covey’s famous Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
• Learn each person’s story – The successes, failures, joys, and sorrows that we experience in life weave together to form our “story.” Our story influences the way we relate to others, and when a leader takes time to understand the stories of his followers, he has a much better perspective and understanding of  their motivations. Chick-fil-a uses an excellent video in their training programs that serves as a powerful reminder of this truth.
• Stay in the moment – It’s easy to be distracted in conversations. You’re thinking about the next meeting you have to run to, the pressing deadline you’re up against, or even what you need to pick up at the grocery store on the way home from work! Important things all, but they distract you from truly being present and fully invested in the conversation. Take notes and practice active listening to stay engaged.

My grandpa was fond of saying “The Lord gave you two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion.” Leaders can take a step forward in building trust with those they lead by speaking less and listening more. You might be surprised at what you learn!

This is one in a series of LeaderChat articles on the topic of trust by Randy Conley, Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. For more insights on trust, visit the Leading with Trust blog or follow Randy on Twitter @RandyConley.

1. How clear were you with expectations?  Don’t expect an accountability conversation to go well if there is any fuzziness about what the goals were.  If you have concerns, use the time to re-clarify expectations.
2. How is your relationship with the team member?  The right to be candid with a person about their performance is the byproduct of a strong working relationship featuring frequent conversations.  If your relationship has been more of a “no news is good news” relationship in the past, shore that up first.

If you are feeling good about where you stand with these first two questions, congratulations—this meeting should go well.  (I’m also guessing that your good work in these first two areas means you don’t have to have many of these types of conversations in the first place!) 

Now, there are just a few more finer points to consider when delivering potentially sensitive feedback.

• Only give feedback on behaviors that can be changed (not on traits or personality).  Feedback works best when it is focused on behaviors instead of personality traits.  You shouldn’t be asking your people to make personality changes like,  “be more extroverted, or more feeling, or less linear in your thinking.”  Instead, focus on the things you see someone doing, or the things you hear someone saying. 
• Remember that people are okay—it’s just their behavior that is a problem sometimes. As a manager you need to separate the behavior from the person.  Don’t be judgmental.  Keep the focus on the behavior that needs to change. Say what needs to be said and let it sink in.  Then reaffirm the person and move on with expectations that behavior will change and that the person is up to the challenge.
• Help employees monitor their own behavior going forward.   Whenever possible, you want people to learn how to monitor their own behavior.  Teach them how to solicit feedback and be “participant observers” in their interactions with others.  Your goal is to help employees become self sufficient. You don’t want to create a dependent relationship where they are constantly looking for you to tell them how they are doing.

Providing feedback is one of the key ways that managers can improve performance and make things better at work. Don’t avoid feedback—even negative feedback. Done well, it will actually enhance your relationships at work. People will know you care and that their work is important.

PS: If you’d like to learn more about the finer points of delivering effective feedback, be sure to join The Ken Blanchard Companies for a free webinar on October 19.  That’s when senior consulting partner Phil Reynolds will be speaking on How to Deliver Feedback in a Way that Gets Results.  (Over 2,000 people are registered!) Click here for details.

As Reynolds explains, “Leaders often think that people should know something through their own devices and so they don’t give them feedback, or clear expectations, or redirection toward the target that they (the leader) are looking for.” These managers are often surprised later when they find out that their people aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be doing.

By avoiding the situation and not addressing it early, managers will tend to create a lot of emotion around the issue when they finally deal with it. At that point, the tendency is to come down hard, and say things like, “You’re doing this wrong; fix it!”  Once that happens, resistance goes up.

With newer managers, Reynolds will often see behavior swing to the other side of the scale. Now the emotion centers on the relationship and how the feedback may damage it. As he explains, “Younger managers want to project a positive image and have people like them. When feedback gets tied up with emotion, these younger leaders find it difficult to give corrective feedback or to hold people accountable.”

Advice for Senior Leaders

For senior leaders recognizing these symptoms in their organizations, Reynolds recommends a 3-step approach:

• Take a look at your organization’s culture. Culture drives organizational behavior more than anything else. Make feedback a priority, recognize people who are good at feedback, and let people know that feedback is something that is valued and encouraged.
• Provide training. People can only do what they know how to do. It’s unreasonable to ask people to do something at which they don’t have the training or skill set to be effective.
• Model what effective feedback looks like. Demonstrate what positive and redirecting feedback looks like for the people reporting to you.

Read more about Reynolds’ advice for improving feedback in your organization here.  Also be sure to see the information about a free webinar Reynolds will be conducting on October 19, How to Deliver Feedback in a Way That Gets Results.  It’s a complimentary event, courtesy of Cisco WebEx and The Ken Blanchard Companies.

The SPEAK model is a helpful tool to navigate challenging conversations.

S – State your concerns directly. Speak in private and face-to-face whenever possible and use “I” language to voice your concerns, thoughts, and feelings about the situation. A common myth about handling challenging conversations is that you should be objective and only stick to the facts. While you certainly want to be factual, you also need to share your feelings, without blame, so the other party understands the impact of the situation. Don’t make sarcastic or belittling remarks and be sure to share the consequences if the issue isn’t resolved. How it sounds: “Since we missed our deadline, I’m concerned that we may not meet our project goals.”

P – Probe for information to gain deeper understanding. Talk with an open and interested tone of voice and use open-ended questions to probe for more information to help you understand behavior that may seem incomprehensible. Pause long enough to give the person time to respond and listen with the intent to understand and be influenced by her point of view. How it sounds: “I’m confused about why we missed the deadline. Can you tell me more about what you thought our agreements were?”

E – Engage each other through whole-hearted listening. Be mentally present and intentional about listening. When people feel fully heard, they are more open to creative solutions, alternatives can be explored, wounds healed, and defensiveness lowered. Paraphrase to make sure you’ve heard and understood correctly and be sure to reflect the person’s feelings and values. How it sounds: “So you are saying that when I spoke with you about your performance that I was not clear about your goals and responsibilities?”

A – Attend to body language. Make sure that your body language matches your words. Sometimes leaders force themselves to be too relaxed when the situation is actually quite serious and that sends confusing signals to the other person. Pay attention to the other person’s body language and challenge inconsistent verbal and non-verbal messages with “I” statements. How it sounds: “I’m confused. I hear you saying that you think we don’t have a problem, yet I notice you sitting in a way that I’m interpreting as being angry.”

K – Keep forward-focused when possible. Once past issues have been addressed and the air cleared, focus the conversation on what each of you are going to do moving forward. Ask directly if the other person is ready to move forward, and if she isn’t, return to step E to explore any other issues or concerns that may be unresolved. How it sounds: “From my perspective, we have cleared up past misunderstandings. I am ready to move forward if you are. Is there anything on your end that we have not addressed yet?”

Working through difficult situations is an opportunity for leaders to build trust. It’s during these times that followers can feel most vulnerable to leaders because of the disparity of power in the relationship. Leaders who use their power in the service of others by demonstrating care and concern in handling challenging conversations will increase engagement, commitment, and trust with those they lead.

This is one in a series of LeaderChat articles on the topic of trust by Randy Conley, Trust Practice Leader at The Ken Blanchard Companies. For more insights on trust, visit the Leading with Trust blog or follow Randy on Twitter @RandyConley.